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Controlled crying yes or no?

114 replies

bigmamama · 25/01/2020 18:35

Hi , so basically my LO is about to turn 6 months this week and is rapidly outgrowing his snuzpod.
My struggle I'm having right now is that after the bedtime routine and his last bottle he's struggling well I'm struggling to get him completely settled to put him down and leave him as he screams! I'm finding myself rocking him and shushing him until he's asleep in my arms n then laying him down and I really need to get out this routine as I don't want him to rely on it to get him to sleep. I also have 3 year old so it's just not practical every night. So as well as transitioning to the cot which is in his own room, do I start to leave him to attempt to self soothe and cry it out ? Or is that just really mean?! Iv tried to use the Ewan the sheep, white noise, swaddling him, patting him but nothing seems to work other than being rocked ! Please help ?!

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bigmamama · 25/01/2020 21:09

Ok so tonight went as follows. Started off with a bottle, half way through realised he didn't really want it he was too tired, so popped his dummy in rocked him and put him down. Slightly prematurely as he then woke up and started crying, I took this opportunity to Not pick him back up but to just gently shush him, pat him and let him hold my hand on his face (which he does every night) fast forward 40 minutes of this, although he didn't cry or scream he whinged, he babbled tried to get up and generally fought the sleep until I just couldn't take it any longer gave in and picked him up! And now an hour later he is asleep. This is just mentally draining!

OP posts:
GenevaMaybe · 25/01/2020 21:14

I would say he was still hungry and realised he wanted more of the bottle

sauvignonblancplz · 25/01/2020 21:16

It’s mentally draining and you’re getting frustrated, you’re getting agitated in the anticipation that bedtime is going to take too long. Maybe he’s not ready for bed yet, or maybe he’s over tired.
Irregardless I feel you need to accept that he does need you right now. What if he’s teething? Or feels scared? This will pass.
At 6months your baby is far too young to be left if he is upset.

April45 · 25/01/2020 21:27

I probably wouldn't do the two together. Transition him to his new room using the same settling techniques. Then when being in his room is the norm then try CC if that's what you choose.

We used CC at 9 months, it wasn't cruel and it hasn't meant he doesn't cry if he needs us.. he very much does and we respond to this (he's now 3). I think people who don't really know what CC is give a view about it. I've seen plenty of little ones co sleeping for a long time because that was 'best then they've been massively distressed when trying to get in their own bed.

You've got to do what suits you and your family.

bigmamama · 26/01/2020 10:38

Ok so the next question is , do I move him into his cot first while still doing the rocking and letting him fall asleep in my arms and then put him down. Or do I try get him to self soothe in the snuzpod for the week or 2?

OP posts:
Strangerthingshere · 26/01/2020 10:46

Cot first

GenevaMaybe · 26/01/2020 11:29

If he falls asleep in your arms and then you put him down, he will wake regularly and cry for you. It’s better to put him down while he is still awake and soothe him in the cot. I would do the whole cot/room/sleep training together so you are creating a complete new set of sleep associations

knightlight · 26/01/2020 11:41

I'd change the two together - like pp said it's a new set of sleeping associations. Also put down awake so he can start learning to put himself off to sleep

Ojk90 · 26/01/2020 12:13

My ds would do the same but one night, I left him to cry in his cot because I knew he was warm, feed and clean and he was just fighting sleep so I left him for 30 mins and he was asleep. I know it sounds cruel but baby/toddler are smart. They know when they cry, you as a parent pick them up.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 26/01/2020 12:15

Whilst I would have previously said I was against any CC, I felt I'd exhausted the 'more gentle' methods. I had experienced 4 months with being woken every two hours and had quite frankly had enough.

What had you expected parenting a newborn to be like?

I needed my own sleep and my evenings back.I now have a baby who naps 2-3 times a day and wakes 1-2 times a night no issue. I can function in the day and string a sentence together and have a very happy and content baby.

What a lot of “I”s.

How would you know the difference between a baby that doesn’t cry because they are happy and one that doesn’t cry because there is no point?

We trialled a variation of cc - we cuddle put down and leave baby for crying for no more then ten mins.

Good job you weren’t around 30,000 years ago (when we were pretty much the same in terms of biological need). Leaving a baby to cry for 10 mins would have been a sure fire way to get eaten.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 26/01/2020 12:19

OP, I have lots of friends who have done various methods of controlled crying, going from sitting by their child patting them to doing full on cry it out and you don’t believe it but...all their kids are fine. All happy. All settled. Not traumatised.

How are you measuring that?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/01/2020 12:23

How are you measuring that? meet their milestones, still cry in the day/night should they need something, tactical with their family, good social skills ....

Megan2018 · 26/01/2020 12:25

Massive No here. It is just not something I would do.
But I’m happy to co-sleep and BF indefinitely so probably not on your wavelength.

BullshitVivienne · 26/01/2020 12:25

Funny that people say controlled crying teaches your child not to cry. My toddler is currently crying (dad is dealing with him) and we did Ferber before he was aged one.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 26/01/2020 12:36

meet their milestones, still cry in the day/night should they need something, tactical with their family, good social skills ....

Not long term measures then, like adolescent/adult anxiety or depression. Interesting.

NeedAnExpert · 26/01/2020 12:38

Funny that people say controlled crying teaches your child not to cry. My toddler is currently crying (dad is dealing with him) and we did Ferber before he was aged one.

JFC. Is it night time where you are? Is he in bed? No? Then it’s not the same fucking thing, is it?

My child can snorkel. She doesn’t attempt it in the bath. Hmm

MiniMum97 · 26/01/2020 12:57

There is a big difference between cry it out and controlled crying. Nothing wrong with controlled crying. Baby knows you are there as you keep going back and helps baby learn to sleep and to self soothe. Something your three year old hasn't as she stirs in night then needs mum or dad.

Being able to self soothe is a vital life skill needed by everyone not I t something to be feared.

muddypuddles12 · 26/01/2020 13:06

With all due respect, this probably isn't the best forum to be asking for advice on CC as MN is infamously anti CC, and you will be made to feel like you don't even deserve children for even considering it.

The truth of the matter is, in my life and my (actually pretty large and varied) circle, I don't know a single person who would class their child as a "good" sleeper, who hasn't done it. At various stages, some as young as 10/11 weeks, some closer to a year - but any older and it gets very very difficult as the older they get, the more aware they are of their surroundings.

People love to tell you that CC "teaches children not to cry" which is the biggest load of BS I've heard in my life, because TRUST ME, my baby cries. When he's hungry, when he has a nightmare, when he has wind etc - the difference is, if you do CC or a branch of self settling and your child learns how to go to sleep on their own, they will cry when they need you. Not just because they don't know how to fall asleep without you, so the immediate and human response for a baby, is to cry.

I am an advocate for CC because my baby is now 9 months and breastfed and everyone told me breastfed babies don't sleep. Well, from the age of 3 months he learnt how to self settle (we did it young which resulted in v.little crying as he was simply too young to leave him doing full out CC), from 3-5 months he slept 7-11, had a dream feed at 11 and slept until 8am. From 5months he has slept solidly from 6:30-7 until 7:30am (this morning he woke at 8:45!). I'm not saying this to be an a$$hole and show off to a load of strangers on the internet, I'm saying it because it's true and if I had a penny for every time people complimented how happy, content and playful my son is I'd be very wealthy. He isn't scarred from it. He cries when he needs me and he KNOWS I will come running. Don't feel guilty for giving your child the gift of sleep, and also don't feel guilty for knowing that you need it too.

muddypuddles12 · 26/01/2020 13:10

@firstimemamma it's comments like this that I was anticipating.

the baby learns there is no point in crying as no-one will come

This is categorically untrue. My baby does cry!!!! But he cries when he actually needs me, when he's poorly or when he's teething, or when he gets his legs stuck in the bars of the cot. As opposed to crying because he doesn't know how to get to sleep without me there. If my baby cries, I will come. Please don't blanket tarnish all mothers with this garbage.

muddypuddles12 · 26/01/2020 13:12

@Boobiliboobiliboo I have 5 siblings, all grown with families of their own.
My parents did CC with every one of us. Not a single sniff of adult anxiety or depression amongst us. Don't be obnoxious.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/01/2020 13:13

Boobiliboobiliboo can I see the scientific study that links adult depression to controlled crying?

Boobiliboobiliboo · 26/01/2020 13:14

There isn’t one - yet. It’s just a theory I have at the moment.

DesLynamsMoustache · 26/01/2020 13:17

I look forward to your peer-reviewed study on the subject

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/01/2020 13:18

Boobiliboobiliboo oh then it must be true Hmm
I hereby declare I imagine a link between boys who were cuddled to sleep until 5 years old always end up divorced as no one is as good enough as their mother- or girls who were breastfed past the age of 1 end up anorexic...look I can make up crap pointless mum shaming theories too!

Thirtyrock39 · 26/01/2020 13:19

It worked well for my three. All were very 'clingy' babies, breastfed , co slept a lot didn't like being put down etc ... around 6 -9 months I did it for settling at bedtime but I didn't do cc for night waking till around 1 year. It was really tough the first evening- lots of tears from them and me but second and third evenings were much much quicker and getting my evenings back was sanity saving at the time
Good quality sleep is so so important to babies children and adults and I really believe a couple of tough evenings are worth it for the long term benefits of getting a full nights sleep and I mean this for the baby more than the parents.
Sleep is vital for both physical and mental good health.

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