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Original poster

Gentle sleep training?! Is it possible?!

129 replies

Aw12345 · 05/05/2019 20:54

We have decided we absolutely have to do something to help our 9 month old sleep better. We're all completely shattered and most importantly LO is tired/grizzly all day because we can't get him to sleep anywhere near enough for his own needs.

Has full bedtime routine, bath etc, goes to bed about 7, normally takes about 2 hours rocking him in the pram to get him to sleep, wakes about 5 times a night for feeding (ebf) and then awake for the day at about 7am. Naps for about 2 hours during the day (also very difficult to get him to sleep at all in the day, feed to sleep/rock in pram/drive in car etc).

We're trying "pick up, put down" and "stay and support" but he is crying lots and it's breaking my heart 😪.

Is it normal to cry so much with these methods?

Any help/wisdom needed. We feel so guilty that he's not getting enough sleep, and feel guilty about the sleep methods too 🤷😢

OP posts:
Mississippilessly · 08/05/2019 20:29

We are following a gentle method which says he isnt ever left alone to cry. I'm told that this will take longer but is kinder.

GenevaMaybe · 08/05/2019 20:35

I would agree with that.

Thatsnotmyotter · 08/05/2019 20:42

OP, I have been gently sleep training for just over a week now. DS has gone from only feeding to sleep with me leaning into the co-sleeping cot because he would wake up the second he was put down otherwise, and waking every 1-2 hours; to being put into the cot awake, falling asleep without assistance, and having three short feeds at set times overnight (we’re now slowly cutting the length of these down).

It has been hard work but actually, we only had crying on the first few nights and never for more than about 15 minutes. The last few nights have been really easy and I’m starting to see my hard work paying off. I’m as crunchy and pro-co-sleeping/feeding to sleep as you like but I was knackered, due to go back to work, and feeling like shit. I’ve come to the realisation that children really won’t benefit from having a miserable martyr for a parent and that there are far worse things to do than sleep training.

If you want to chat, PM me.

Sunshiness · 08/05/2019 21:19

Geneva You can do whatever you want of course, but simply stating 'the whole family is happier' after sleep training, as if it were a general truth rather than just your own particular view, guilts vulnerable young parents into thinking they have to sleep train even if they don't actually want to. Sleep training is not necessary. Personally in my family we would not be happier. I'd rather have broken nights for longer than leave my baby to cry or only inconsistently (only during the day) showing them love.

Copperandtod · 08/05/2019 21:22

Rocking a 9 month old baby to sleeps is madness. If that’s been happening for 9 months it’s not going to change overnight without a hell of a lot of tears and patience

Mississippilessly · 08/05/2019 21:26

See OP? There is never a shortage of people to make you feel like crap.

My sympathies.

Mississippilessly · 08/05/2019 21:28

Copperandtod what did you hope to achieve with your post? Ive just rocked my nearly 8 month old to sleep. It's that or feed him. I dont believe OP said she thought this was an enviable situation to be in. So I'm not quite sure what you hoped to achieve other than making her feel a bit more of a failure

Copperandtod · 08/05/2019 21:35

I’m quite simply stating a fact. No wonder OP is getting no sleep and baby doesn’t know how to get themselves off to sleep if they’ve never had to.

Dermymc · 08/05/2019 21:37

@sunshines are you always so up yourself?

Believe me, sleep training is necessary when I was waking 4 times a night whilst working full time. I was a wreck of a human who was grey most of the time. A week of sleep training transformed my life.

Sunshiness · 08/05/2019 21:45

Dermymc That's great - good for you. I also work ft but decided against sleep training. Everyone has to do what's right for their own situation and their family. I just found it very upsetting at the time that sleep training is being presented as something every parent has to do for their child's sake (rather than their own). That's just not true. I'm sorry if my post was badly worded and hence came across as judgemental. I just want to counteract the misinformation, not judge anyone's choices.

Mississippilessly · 08/05/2019 21:47

Do you not think OP has tried that?
She doesnt need you to tell her it's a bad situation. She is aware of that. Imall younwill have achieved is making her feel a bit shitter than she did before.

GenevaMaybe · 08/05/2019 21:50

@sunshineness I am not sure you read my post...I am not speaking from personal experience alone. That’s my point.

stucknoue · 08/05/2019 21:55

I admit we gave up long before and co slept, it meant we got sleep. In the daytime by 9 months naps were only in the car, pushchair or on me

Sunshiness · 08/05/2019 22:04

Geneva Yes, I mean anyone can do whatever they see as the right thing for their family really. What I was objecting to is you stating 'the whole family is happier' as if that were a general truth. Even if you have observed 100 families where this may have been the case, it doesn't mean that it is a general truth, or that parents who refuse to sleep train unduly harm the rest of their family. It wouldn't be the case for my family. I got very upset when I almost sleep trained DD because of people saying I need to do it for her sake ("helping her sleep better" "teaching her to fall asleep"). When that's actually not true. You don't "teach" a child to fall asleep by leaving it to cry until it happens to fall asleep out of exhaustion. These kinds of statements just make parents feel bad or guilty, like it's their fault for not "training" their baby correctly, which plays into the hands of the sleep trainers who want to sell their services.

Mississippilessly · 08/05/2019 22:13

I dont believe that anybody on this thread has supported a baby falling asleep out of exhaustion after crying themselves silly. Emotive language like that isnt helpful nor accurate to describe gentle sleep training.

OP I hope you're ok x

Bagelandbacon · 08/05/2019 22:16

Follow just chill mama sleep on Instagram. She is great. She's also got videos which might help

Copperandtod · 08/05/2019 22:16

FWIW I have never left baby crying but certainly put them down on their own to go to sleep and there’s no way I would have been rocking a baby to sleep as a matter of course and for months? Absolutely not. A lack of sleep affects everybody in the family including baby and a baby sleeping certainly makes the whole family happier in that regard. That’s a certainty I’m afraid. You can teach a child to sleep and you certainly don’t need to leave it crying to do that. If a parent chooses to rock baby to sleep and is happy to do that and is delighted with amount of sleep everyone is having fair play. The reality is if there is guilty feelings it is on the parent who is not happy with their own sleep arrangements management not on those who choose and make shorter term sacrifices to make it happen I’m afraid.

Mississippilessly · 08/05/2019 22:20

Ffs.

Your babies did that. Great. OOs clearly doesnt. If OPs baby did go to sleep alone without crying, one assumes OP would have continued with that.

I very much agree that you can teach a child to sleep thiugh. Mine just seems to have significant learning difficulties Sad

lorisparkle · 08/05/2019 22:24

When my lo was tiny I spoke to the health visitor who said 'it is only a sleep problem if it is a problem'. For some families co-sleeping, feeding to sleep, or however you 'do sleep ' does not cause a problem but for others what they are currently doing is causing problems.

In my case I was Co-sleeping and feeding to sleep and ds1 was waking after 1-2 hours and on many occasions was not going back to sleep after being fed. I was accidentally injuring myself by cutting myself, walking into door frames, etc I was unable to make decisions, remember words, etc and ds1 was grumpy. It was a dangerous and unhappy situation for me and ds1.

Sleep training was the only option. I tried every gentle method and had a very consistent routine but nothing worked. I eventually went for the gradual withdrawal/retreat method and whilst slow it worked. Ds1 did cry but never alone.

Copperandtod · 08/05/2019 22:27

I put babies down in cot after every feed from birth and I had to do this ever hour for first few weeks. Persevered. That’s why I had babies that slept properly on their own. They didn’t decide to do so themselves.

PerfectPeony2 · 08/05/2019 22:28

Hi OP.

I know you have lots of replies but I just wanted to say that I was going through the same thing with DD from basically 3.5 months onwards and recently she was waking every 2 hours at 9 months. She’s 10 months now and seems to be coming through it. We have had a few nights where she has only woken once.

I’ve done everything the same and just fed her to sleep each time. Or rubbed her back. I tried to ‘sleep train’ but it just didn’t work so I think in our case it’s been a developmental thing and she’s coming through. Also teething has been awful which has settled down. I don’t think she will do 7-7 but it’s definitely improving.

She didn’t start taking her dummy until 9 months but now she has it has really helped too.

Copperandtod · 08/05/2019 22:29

People rock to sleep or feed to sleep from birth and suddenly wake up nine months or even 3 years down line and wonder why their child isn’t sleeping and they can’t function. Simple really

Mississippilessly · 08/05/2019 22:31

Ok. OP gets it. Well done you.

PerfectPeony2 · 08/05/2019 22:37

Copper feeding to sleep is the biological norm and I wouldn’t change it for anything. I’m glad I spent my maternity leave cuddling my baby while she napped on me. That’s great that your babies sleep through but when you have a baby with colic and need to comfort them you do what you need to do to get through the day. So don’t be so judgemental. It sounds like you had an easy baby that you can put down ‘drowsy but awake’ tbh. It’s just not that simple for everyone.

Good luck anyway OP. I hope you will be able to find a solution. Flowers

Copperandtod · 08/05/2019 22:43

My babies had colic and reflux. They often went to sleep when feeding but not always and they were comforted each and every time they needed it and if that involved me getting up 10 times in a night that’s exactly what I did. They got plenty of cuddles too. Call me judgmental if you want but if you rock or feed a baby to sleep on every occasion that’s exactly what they will need. The amount of parents with sleep related problems due to these types of practices is quite shocking. Sleep is needed by everyone I’m afraid.