How to get 12 week old baby to sleep through?

[Belle723]

Just looking for some advice. Im a first time mum and haven’t got much of a clue about how to do things. I’m generally winging it most days (as I think many do). I’ve always let me baby bottle fed on demand and she generally goes 3-4 hours between feeds throughout the day but when I put her down at night she’s starting to do some 6-7 hour stints between her last feed to the first morning one which is obviously amazing - but it’s very inconsistent and I’d like to try and get a bit more routine out of her.

On a good day she will feed around 4am, 7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm then 8pm then go to bed around 9ish. She takes approx 6oz at each feed - sometimes she doesn’t always finish the bottle.

However sometimes she wakes up at midnight/1am for a feed and I’m not sure what I’m doing differently? The only thing I can think of is actually putting her to bed later? But I like to have an hour in the evenings to tidy the house etc and actually have a hot cup of tea!

We’ve always had a relaxed routine and a baby every other day and get changed into her sleepsuits in the evening. We use white noise and she has a dummy to help soothe her for sleep.

How do i get her to sleep more consistently? Am I doing anything wrong?

And I was completely against bedsharing, for a number of reasons (SIDS & suffocation but also I am a very light sleeper, so would not sleep at all with a baby next to me) - I prioritised DS sleeping by himself the moment he popped out.

You are leaving a small baby to cry alone for a long time however - clearly you’re ok with that but there is plenty of evidence to say that it risks emotional and attachment problems. You can tell people here that they are ignoring or dismissing risks but you are doing the same and going against the guidelines of the people whose techniques you are following.

And unless the nursery is Inn a Seperate wing of the house to you, there's lots of options between bed sharing and leaving the baby to scream for half an hour

The difference is cosleeping builds a secure and good foundation for a baby to develop. Providing it works for everyone and is done safely. But controlled crying does the complete opposite at such a young age. A bit more research and you'll see that although a baby eventually stops crying, the level of stress hormones remains. They've learnt that no one is coming to help. Not a good lesson at any stage in life! Meanwhile Mum gets her sleep and reduced stress levels. What's more important? Not a difficult question if you ask me!

I don't think 2-6 minutes is a long time, actually...

He generally stops well before the 20 minute mark (20 minutes of intermittent checking) and goes to sleep.

Sleep is crucial for his development.

I have read the evidence and think it is pretty weak as far is it goes for long term negative effects of letting a baby cry for about 5 minutes before you go and reassure it.

I do think I matter as well - I would have given up breastfeeding if I had to do it all night.

Her - yes I know, I am not following SIDS advice as he is in his own room for the first part of the night ( we sleep in same room as him from 10pm - 7am). I am following Gina's advice on crying; as she says, 5-10 minutes and then check...I go for 2-6 minutes.

I still find it annoying that people always bring up SIDS guidance when it comes to separate rooms but then recommend cosleeping!

@Alyosha

You don’t understand the research.
Safe cosleeping with no risk factors has lower rates of SIDS. Check the data.

@Alyosha

That is - formula feeding included as a risk factor for this purpose (not to say formula feeding is problematic outside of this scenario)

No one is saying sleep isn't important for development. I just personally think a feeling of contentment and comfort that comes from attending to cries is important for my baby's development.

And no one is saying Mum isn't important. I just personally will sacrifice sleep to comfort my little baby when he needs it.

At the end of the day, each to their own! We have all read the research and we can all choose what we think is best for our babies. Good luck to all the mothers doing our best and following our own instincts

And no one is saying Mum isn't important. I just personally will sacrifice sleep to comfort my little baby when he needs it
And you aren't sleeping anyway. You're sitting in a bed near to his cot counting how long he cries for before you'll talk to him then you're intermittently patting him for 20 minutes what he cries some more.

Sheep - I did...the research shows that even in the absence of risk factors, bed sharing significantly increases the risks. I'd be interested to see what evidence shows the opposite! You can find the research I reference upthread.

Sleeping - baby goes to be at 7pm, so I am up and down the stairs until he settles (most nights he settles immediately), then the rest of the night he sleeps & goes down well after a feed. It took us a while to get to that point though, until he was about 5 weeks we were doing a lot of patting lying next to the moses basket on our futon!!!

The tone of some people on MN is very much along the lines of extreme maternal exhaustion = A Good Thing.

No one thinks extreme maternal exhaustion is a good thing. Most people are on this board to try to find ways to either improve their own sleeping situation. However the majority of people who support controlled crying do not support it for babies under 6mo, or even 1yo in some cases.

People who sleep train and whose babies then sleep for long periods want to believe that it was due to their actions. Those whose babies do not sleep for long periods do not want to believe it is due to anything they have done “wrong”. It is impossible to say who is right because you can’t do it twice. Who knows how well Alyosha’s baby would have slept without sleep training - you might be in exactly the same situation, you never know. All babies are different. I am confident that my own baby would have found it incredibly traumatic to have been left to cry for minutes at a time.

Aloysha, you say sleep is important. I'm sure nobody would disagree with that. But you also say your baby still wakes in the night but is able to "self settle", correct? All babies wake at night, as do adults, how is your child sleeping any better than one who nurses back to aleep ? They're both still waking aren't they ?

Personally find it cruel to sleep train but certainly at that age. Why do you think your baby cries before they go to sleep ? Just curious

Miley - if your baby wakes up once or twice and feeds to sleep, fine! However there are people whose babies wake up after every sleep cycle and need to be fed/rocked/cuddled back to sleep every time - perhaps every 45 minutes, meaning 8 wake ups a night or more.

In that situation no one is getting very good sleep.

I don't think there is a right way and my way is the best way, it works for me, if you want to parent another way...fine. I think it is a message of hope for some parents that their baby doesn't have to wake up multiples times a night and there are things they can do to fix it - otherwise there wouldn't be a sleep consultant industry in this country!

My baby doesn't usually cry before sleep, when they do it has sometimes been...

hunger - just before a growth spurt (always fed before bed but they were extra hungry)

did a secret massive poo

overtired

alyosha as someone who's getting about 2hrs sleep a night I find your last post quite ignorant and insulting. My son wants me. Nothing else will do. So I dont have much choice.
I'd fucking love a good night's sleep.

Mississippi - why is it insulting? You are choosing to go to your son immediately (I presume?), that is your parenting style.

I have chosen to prioritise my sleep, which is a just that - a choice. You have chosen to prioritise other things.

It’s not a neutral choice though is it

It’s not like saying I choose to have a ham sandwich for lunch and you choose to have baked beans on toast. There is another tiny human who has its own feelings and needs but can do very little for itself and who is on the receiving end of our choices. I’m not especially into martyring myself but my son needed to be touching me while he slept from the day he was born (and he is slowly developing the ability to sleep by himself, at his pace) and that is biologically completely normal

My son would scream black and blue. No clue how it is a choice.

Look, I knew before I got pregnant that I would not be particularly baby-led about anything - I wanted to follow a routine, I read Gina Ford (both her sleep & CLB books), wean relatively early, prioritise my sleep & the baby's sleep as much as possible.

I think that is the best for me, and for my baby. I have looked at the research and I think it confirms my approach.

I am fully aware that I am at one end of the spectrum and that other parents want to baby wear, cosleep & be led by the baby - fine!

The only thing I am led by my baby on is breastfeeding, which I am really NOT enjoying, but continue due to latent guilt, even though I know formula is 99.9% as good.

Maternal exhaustion isn't a good thing but it's bloody better than an emotionally scarred tiny baby! My 12 week old cried five minutes after I put him down to sleep last night, it turned out he needed more winding. Babies cry for a reason, it's how they survive. Harping on about SIDS is all very well, but why do you think ignoring the cries of a 12 week old might not be a survival issue? They might be overheating and telling you to help them, for example. But oh no, mummy needs her sleep

You still aren't getting it.
This isn't a choice. I find it quite amusing that you think because your baby does one thing all babies will.

But I really dobt have the energy to argue. Do what you like with your baby but dont tell me I'm choosing to live this hell.

Agree Mississippilessly. Some babies are more accepting of a parent-led routine etc than others. Mine has only just (at 8mo) settled on a regular nap pattern - he did that himself. Trying to get him to do anything according to my schedule previously resulted in stress and misery, so I had to go with the flow. Not really much choice on my part.

Mississippi - sorry you are having a tough time.

CKfa - why did you let your baby cry for 5 minutes then? That's how long I let my baby cry for before I intervene...

She said “five minutes after” not FOR five minutes