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Co-sleeping. Give it a go!

167 replies

MarmaladeSun · 28/08/2004 10:42

Hi all. I've posted a reply on one of the other threads about my 6 week old sleeping with me, and knowing the reactions Mums get from other people if they co sleep, I thought I'd paste this information onto this thread. Hope it helps anyone who's struggling with the night time!

Harvard psychiatrist Michael Commons and his colleagues recently presented the American Association for the Advancement of Science with research that suggests that babies who sleep alone are more susceptible to stress disorders.

Notre Dame anthropology professor and leading sleep researcher, James McKenna, has long held that babies who sleep with their mothers enjoy greater immunilogical benefits from breastfeeding because they nurse twice as frequently as their counterparts who sleep alone.

In his book on Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, pediatrician William Sears cites co-sleeping as a proactive measure parents can take to reduce the risk of this tragedy. McKenna?s research shows that babies who sleep with parents spend less time in Level III sleep, a state of deep sleep when the risk of apneas are increased. Further, co-sleeping babies learn to imitate healthy breathing patterns from their bunkmates.

Every scientific study of infant sleep confirms that babies benefits from co-sleeping. Not one shred of evidence exists to support the widely held notion that co-sleep is detrimental to the psychological or physical health of infants.

If science consistently provides evidence that the American social norm of isolating babies for sleep can have deleterious effects, why do we continue the 150-year crib culture in the United States? Why do parents flock to Toys R? Us to purchase dolls that have heart beats, sing lullabies and snore when they can do the same for free?

McKenna suggests that there are several factors that maintain this cultural norm. Foremost is the American value of self-sufficiency. Independence is an important characteristic for a successful person in our society. We take great pride in watching our babies pick themselves up by their own bootie straps. But the assumption that co-sleeping inhibits independence is pure cultural mythology. In fact, the opposite it true.

Children who share sleep with their parents are actually more independent than their peers. They perform better in school, have higher self esteem, and fewer health problems. After all, who is more likely to be well-adjusted, the child who learns that his needs will be met, or the one who is left alone for long periods of time? McKenna suggests that it is confusing for a baby to receive cuddles during the day while also being taught that the same behavior is inappropriate at night.

The Commons report states that when babies are left alone to cry themselves to sleep, levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, are elevated. Commons suggests that the constant stimulation by cortisol in infancy causes physical changes in the brain. "It makes you more prone to the effects of stress, more prone to illness, including mental illness, and makes it harder to recover from illness," he concludes.

The best-selling book on infant sleep is frighteningly misdirected and offers absolutely no scientific grounds for its thesis. Richard Ferber suggest that the best way to solve your child?s "sleep problems" is to isolate them in another room, shut the door, and let them cry for ten minutes without interruption. Then parents may enter the room and verbally soothe the baby, but are warned against making physical contact with their baby. Shortly after, they are advised to leave the infant to cry for another timed interval a la "Mad About You."

Most sleep disorders are not biologically based, but rather, created by well-intended parents. Making oneself available by intercom is simply not meeting the nighttime needs of an infant.

Many parents argue that they tried "Ferberizing" their baby and enjoyed great success with the technique. Indeed, the infant may stop crying and learn to go to sleep on his own, but this is a short-term pay off for parents. The baby has not suddenly discovered quiet content. He simply is exhausted from his futile efforts to be nurtured. Fifteen years later, the same parents shrug their shoulders and wonder why their kids are shutting them out.

Though co-sleeping is common in most parts of the world, many American parents would not consider it because they fear it will cause them sleep deprivation. Every scientific study concludes that parents who bring their babies to bed sleep longer and better.

A few parents do experience difficulty sleeping with a baby in their bed. For them, a "sidecar" or bedside sleeper is an ideal way to meet their needs for rest and their baby?s need for co-sleep. Keeping a crib or bassinet in the parents? room is another option. A "family bed" is not for everyone, but creative solutions for co-sleep are abundant in our consumer-friendly culture.

The most common question co-sleepers are asked is about maintaining a sexual relationship with one?s partner. The answer is simple. Go someplace where the baby is not. Enough said.

For those who consider unlimited access to their sexual partner more important than meeting the needs of their baby, cat ownership is a wonderful alternative to parenthood. You can just toss a bowl of Nine Lives on the floor and frolic around the house whenever the mood hits you.

Co-sleeping is not right for everyone. Heavy drinkers and drug addicts should avoid sleeping with their babies. Of course, these folks should probably avoid parenthood altogether.

If scientific research consistently demonstrates that co-sleeping offers tremendous benefits for babies and has no deleterious effects, it?s time Americans join the rest of the world and parent our babies 24 hours a day.

Jennifer Coburn
San Diego, California
USA

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
twick · 01/09/2004 20:43

Really, Canadianmom, do you think this is what everyone who doesn't co-sleep does??

'the 'cultural norm' of having their babies self-soothe in a cot after a bottle of formula and a pot of food from Tesco'

If you do then you're incredibly prejudiced towards people who don't do what you think the right thing is. I'm not a co-sleeper but have never done any of the things you call a 'norm.'

I think a lot of people here are turning themselves into 'victims' unnecessarily and happily then being able to be 'holier than thou' and in fact be very unkind to non co-sleepers. I've seen this happen before on mumsnet, it's a real shame.

butwhatdoiknow · 01/09/2004 21:46

I've read half this thread and must say that this expression 'co-sleeping' is the most irritating Americanism I've ever heard.

Tortington · 01/09/2004 22:12

i think canadianmom is being picked on unnecessarily. she just saying that her health visitor wouldnt have given her a lecture if she fed the kid formula and it slept in a cot.

there is no "best" way to parent. what is good for the goose aint always good for the gander.

i actually think your health visitor was wrong to lecture and should have given her "advice" when you asked for it rather than her opinion when you didn't canadianmom.

Hulababy · 01/09/2004 22:17

I have to agree that I rarely admitted to people that we co-slept (sorry, don't know a more English term) as it did generally get negative reactions - from a wide range of places. I know MN is not anti-cosleeping but I didn't know about MN when DD was first born. But in general MY experience was negative. I loved co-sleeping. I would do it again if I had another baby, but yet again I would probaly keep it secret from most people :(

Similarly I stopped telling people that I stoped BF'ing at 6 weeks (lots of reasons) as the fact that I formula fed also got negative responses, including on a different parenting site :(

I think maybe we ALL need to be more tolerant of other people's parenting choices.

lulupop · 01/09/2004 22:17

Errr, sorry Canadianmom, but to criticise as the "cultural norm" people who allow their children to "self soothe" in a cot after a "pot of formula from Tesco" is so judgemental it beggars belief. Breastfeeding an infant of 18 months/2yrs/whatever is laudable if you want to do it, but does NOT make you superior to people who are happy to let their children gain all their nutrition from solid food. Are you suggesting that if we're not all breastfeeding our walking, talking children then we must, by definition, be feeding them a diet of processed junk?
I'm really sorry to say this here, as I hate to openly judge other people's parenting, but actually I DO think it's rather questionable to be BF on demand once your child is of pre-school age. I took DS to his nursery introduction session recently and was amazed to see one of the other mums whip out her breast FOUR TIMES during a 30 min "parents-only" talk, to her child who was 2.5yrs old. This little girl was unbuttoning her mother's blouse herself! The mother serenely continued BF as though she was some sort of Madonna figurem regardless of the fact that the teacher had made it clear that this was disruptive to everyone else in the room. I don't freely hand out snacks to my children whenever they want them, and the self-righteous attitude that breastfeeding a child of whatever age, whenever, is not only appropriate but BETTER than the alternatives really pisses me off! How about "No, darling, you can wait until we get home"? No wonder there are so many children out there who think it's their God-given right to have every whim gratified immediately OR ELSE.
FYI, I breastfed DS exclusively to 6 months, co-slept for a while (no prejudice against it but it didn't work out for us), and am doing the same with DD. Neither of my children has ever eaten so much as a shop-bought biscuit, never mind a pot of baby food, as I'm a keen cook and like to know what I'm putting into their little bodies. BUT that doesn't mean I think there's anything wrong AT ALL with children having some formula, baby food, or whatever if that suits their parents. Maybe not chicken nuggets every day, but let's be realistic here. Plenty of bottle-feeding mums feel attacked all the time by the NCT nazis, so don't put yourself into the category of victimised minority. If other people question your parenting style, perhaps you might like to think about just what it is about it that makes you feel so superior to the "cultural norm". Then maybe you can make your point in a slightly more informed, slightly less chippy, way.

Tortington · 01/09/2004 22:17

i wouldnt co sleep cos i like spontanius sex - and love my own space. but if it floats your boat well good for you is what i say. plus my dh is a fat b*stard and would squash the kid - but sex is primary reason for me!

Hulababy · 01/09/2004 22:20

custardo - cosleeing doesn't have to mean a stop to spontaneous sex. Infact it can mean the opposite as you have to me more imaginative as to location and timing at least.

hercules · 01/09/2004 22:21

I'm not a member of the nct but calling them Nazis!

hercules · 01/09/2004 22:23

I'm not sure how extended bf leads to children expecting everything as their god given right either...
Btw dd has formula when I'm at work and tesco pots!

Tortington · 01/09/2004 22:25

i give my kids all kinds of crap at weekends. i cant cook much - wouldnt deliberatly touch a herb ( so Middle class)didn't breastfeed as i didnt want to and no other reason. i didnt co sleep for outlines reasons below. but i didn't read all that into candianmoms post. i think its more about other peoples parenting insecurities. if you want to breastfeed until your kid is 2.5 and it floats your boat - who the hell am i to judge.

hercules · 01/09/2004 22:26

I guess that's why so many people keep quiet about extended bf and co-sleeping in rl anyway.

butwhatdoiknow · 01/09/2004 22:27

My friend sleeps with her twin boys (8months) and her 3 labradors all in the same bed!! And she is quite posh. So could really afford more beds. Not that you all couldn't too of course.

Tortington · 01/09/2004 22:30

think its getting a bit pedantic really this isnt it. i obviously ment spontanius in my own comfy bed - i dont like spontanius backgardens or kitchen. i like spontanius in my own bed. thought that was implicit in the post when i was talkin about co -sleeping and sex. obviously not. and remember am talkin about me not judging anyone else- if it does it fer you in a backgarden or kitchen - go for it!

Tortington · 01/09/2004 22:31

why hercules?

Hulababy · 01/09/2004 22:34

Sorry custardo, wasn't having a go - honest. Just saying it can still be spontaneous! Don't have a garden anyway - just a balcony, but I'd say that was a bit too public seeing as it overlooks one of the busiest streets round here Mind, we did have a lovely, cosy sofa bed in the lounge for a while.

Wills · 01/09/2004 22:35

I really wanted to co-sleep but after 4 months of extremely broken sleep and not daring to move even a millimeter lest it wake dd1 up I finally moved her into her own room. Unfortunately it was at that point that she started sleeping through the night . I tried again with dd2 but on the second night woke up with my arm over dd2's face and was horrified. It was about the same time as the story of the mum that was handed her baby (after a ceasarian) in hospital and basically suffocated her but turning over and smothering her. After reading that I was a mess and dd2 was promptly put into her crib next to the bed. She was beside me in the bed and I often went to sleep holding her hand or my hand on her bottom but for me I couldn't shift the fear that I might smother her. She stayed beside me until she was 8 months and like her big sister did not start going through the night until she had her own room. She's a year now but I still miss her and unfortunately am wracked with guilt that we didn't manage to co-share - but there you. I certainly tried but it just didn't work for us/me.

Tortington · 01/09/2004 22:38

lmfao hulababy, balcony hmmmm theres a thought!

Hulababy · 01/09/2004 22:40

imfao???????

hercules · 01/09/2004 22:43

Custardo - because of what lulupop said. If I witnessed someone who bottlefed do it in a way I didnt like eg a baby in a pram with the bottle propped up as it couldnt hold it itself as too young and then said that's why I dislike people who bottlefed I'd rightly be condemned here.
Lulupop witnessed one mum bf when it wasnt appropriate and then said the bit about no wonder children want everything.

beansmum · 01/09/2004 22:50

i breastfeed ds and can't really understand why people bottlefeed but today i was in town and saw a woman with one of those baby bjorn carriers, she had it half undone and was breastfeeding as she walked along the street. so weird. not sure what thats got to do with this conversation, just thought i'd add my 2c!

MummyToSteven · 01/09/2004 22:54

Beansmum - why I bottlefeed. Attempted to establish bfing with ds - feeding went very awry due to ds jaundice, resulting in ds being hospitalised with jaundice and dehydration at just over two weeks old for a few days. At that point I lost all confidence in bfing, and didn't fancy spending weeks in hospital with ds trying to reestablish bfing. as for the baby bjorn breastfeeder - sounds like great multitasking to me

hercules · 01/09/2004 22:58

I've gone shopping in Tescos and Toyrus with dd bf in a hugababy sling lots of times. It was nearly impossible to tell I was feeding and I certainly didnt reveal anything as the sling hid everything.

beansmum · 01/09/2004 22:59

i knew as soon as i posted that message that it wasn't what i meant to say! was meaning people who don't even try to bf.

butwhatdoiknow · 01/09/2004 22:59

A scrubbled together message Hercules but I think I get you. It is getting late isn't it. This thread is great. So many niggled mummies.

I bring my baby in to sleep with me when hubby is away for work as she is nice and cuddly. She likes, I like. The morning smiles are indeed the best. She couldn't sleep with both of us as hubby would squish her I think.

I am more disturbed by hubby snoring than wee babby night time bleats.

hercules · 01/09/2004 23:01

Dh works nights. If he's here he sleeps on the end as his sleep pattern is mixed up and so cant trust him to sleep next to her safely.

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