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Co-sleeping. Give it a go!

167 replies

MarmaladeSun · 28/08/2004 10:42

Hi all. I've posted a reply on one of the other threads about my 6 week old sleeping with me, and knowing the reactions Mums get from other people if they co sleep, I thought I'd paste this information onto this thread. Hope it helps anyone who's struggling with the night time!

Harvard psychiatrist Michael Commons and his colleagues recently presented the American Association for the Advancement of Science with research that suggests that babies who sleep alone are more susceptible to stress disorders.

Notre Dame anthropology professor and leading sleep researcher, James McKenna, has long held that babies who sleep with their mothers enjoy greater immunilogical benefits from breastfeeding because they nurse twice as frequently as their counterparts who sleep alone.

In his book on Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, pediatrician William Sears cites co-sleeping as a proactive measure parents can take to reduce the risk of this tragedy. McKenna?s research shows that babies who sleep with parents spend less time in Level III sleep, a state of deep sleep when the risk of apneas are increased. Further, co-sleeping babies learn to imitate healthy breathing patterns from their bunkmates.

Every scientific study of infant sleep confirms that babies benefits from co-sleeping. Not one shred of evidence exists to support the widely held notion that co-sleep is detrimental to the psychological or physical health of infants.

If science consistently provides evidence that the American social norm of isolating babies for sleep can have deleterious effects, why do we continue the 150-year crib culture in the United States? Why do parents flock to Toys R? Us to purchase dolls that have heart beats, sing lullabies and snore when they can do the same for free?

McKenna suggests that there are several factors that maintain this cultural norm. Foremost is the American value of self-sufficiency. Independence is an important characteristic for a successful person in our society. We take great pride in watching our babies pick themselves up by their own bootie straps. But the assumption that co-sleeping inhibits independence is pure cultural mythology. In fact, the opposite it true.

Children who share sleep with their parents are actually more independent than their peers. They perform better in school, have higher self esteem, and fewer health problems. After all, who is more likely to be well-adjusted, the child who learns that his needs will be met, or the one who is left alone for long periods of time? McKenna suggests that it is confusing for a baby to receive cuddles during the day while also being taught that the same behavior is inappropriate at night.

The Commons report states that when babies are left alone to cry themselves to sleep, levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, are elevated. Commons suggests that the constant stimulation by cortisol in infancy causes physical changes in the brain. "It makes you more prone to the effects of stress, more prone to illness, including mental illness, and makes it harder to recover from illness," he concludes.

The best-selling book on infant sleep is frighteningly misdirected and offers absolutely no scientific grounds for its thesis. Richard Ferber suggest that the best way to solve your child?s "sleep problems" is to isolate them in another room, shut the door, and let them cry for ten minutes without interruption. Then parents may enter the room and verbally soothe the baby, but are warned against making physical contact with their baby. Shortly after, they are advised to leave the infant to cry for another timed interval a la "Mad About You."

Most sleep disorders are not biologically based, but rather, created by well-intended parents. Making oneself available by intercom is simply not meeting the nighttime needs of an infant.

Many parents argue that they tried "Ferberizing" their baby and enjoyed great success with the technique. Indeed, the infant may stop crying and learn to go to sleep on his own, but this is a short-term pay off for parents. The baby has not suddenly discovered quiet content. He simply is exhausted from his futile efforts to be nurtured. Fifteen years later, the same parents shrug their shoulders and wonder why their kids are shutting them out.

Though co-sleeping is common in most parts of the world, many American parents would not consider it because they fear it will cause them sleep deprivation. Every scientific study concludes that parents who bring their babies to bed sleep longer and better.

A few parents do experience difficulty sleeping with a baby in their bed. For them, a "sidecar" or bedside sleeper is an ideal way to meet their needs for rest and their baby?s need for co-sleep. Keeping a crib or bassinet in the parents? room is another option. A "family bed" is not for everyone, but creative solutions for co-sleep are abundant in our consumer-friendly culture.

The most common question co-sleepers are asked is about maintaining a sexual relationship with one?s partner. The answer is simple. Go someplace where the baby is not. Enough said.

For those who consider unlimited access to their sexual partner more important than meeting the needs of their baby, cat ownership is a wonderful alternative to parenthood. You can just toss a bowl of Nine Lives on the floor and frolic around the house whenever the mood hits you.

Co-sleeping is not right for everyone. Heavy drinkers and drug addicts should avoid sleeping with their babies. Of course, these folks should probably avoid parenthood altogether.

If scientific research consistently demonstrates that co-sleeping offers tremendous benefits for babies and has no deleterious effects, it?s time Americans join the rest of the world and parent our babies 24 hours a day.

Jennifer Coburn
San Diego, California
USA

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OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
gothicmama · 28/08/2004 11:41

I enjoyed reading this article altho as a co-sleeping family it says what we have found out

beansmum · 28/08/2004 11:59

I love having ds in my bed but i put him in his cot when i first put him to bed, i'm a bit worried about him rolling out of the big bed. unfortunately he has decided to sleep through til 5.30 so i only get to share for a couple of hours in the morning. i knew that something that was so much fun (and so much easier) couldn't be bad for us! good article

MarmaladeSun · 28/08/2004 12:06

Gothicmama...it confirmed what I already knew too. It's just that with all the negativity you get from people when you tell them you let the baby sleep in bed with you, I began researching the subject so that I would be armed with the relevant information to shut them up! And beansmum; people don't realise what fun it is do they? There is no better feeling than waking up in the morning and looking at your little one peacefully sleeping and utterly secure. Or even better, seeing their little smiles as soon as you wake. To me it's the most natural thing in the world.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 28/08/2004 12:12

message withdrawn

Twiglett · 28/08/2004 12:13

message withdrawn

Clayhead · 28/08/2004 12:15

Thanks MarmaladeSun, a nice alternative to all the disapproving reactions

MarmaladeSun · 28/08/2004 12:30

It's unbelieveable the way people think they can tell you you're doing things wrong when it comes to bringing up your child isn't it? My Mum is horrified also that I sleep with DD2, not for safety reasons but because she thinks it will spoil her somehow.

OP posts:
gothicmama · 28/08/2004 12:32

My family were really supportive and I don't think I encountered any negative reactions until I read some threads on MN . It's sad really but C sleeping is so positive Ithink it just depends on individuals

earlygirl · 28/08/2004 13:43

when is the time to encourage them into their own bed?
my ds is 2 and my dd is 4 months we co sleep and poor dp sleeps on his own!
the problem is that ds wont sleep in his own bed and i could do with a bit more room to move in mine(i cant get a good sleep lying between them and im breastfeeding too)
im actually begining to resent that he wont stay in his cot(though i know this is my fault)
apart from buying a kingsize bed the only solution is to get ds to sleep on his own in his own room as he cant co sleep forever i feel now is the right time to stop
at what age did you stop co sleeping?

madlex · 28/08/2004 13:58

I've got a friend who co-sleeps with her 13 yr old, 9 year old, 6 year old and 8 month old baby. And her dp is in there too - they have two doubles pushed together!!! So watch out - it could get out of hand!

hercules · 28/08/2004 16:58

We have a super king size bed. Co-slept with ds and now cosleep with dd. Bliss!

sweetkitty · 28/08/2004 17:39

I love it too.

earlygirl · 28/08/2004 17:42

does everyone intend cosleeping forever then?

twick · 28/08/2004 21:22

I co-slept with dd until she was about 6 weeks old and then refused to sleep with us any more!! She just wouldn't settle unless she was in her own space. She's still the same now at 22 months. Sometimes, especially when she's been ill, I've longed for her to co-sleep but all she does is wriggle and squirm, try to get me and dp out of the way and then give up and start to play!!

Anyway I just wanted to make a small point about the article which I found very interesting. It's in defence of Richard Ferber whose method we used once, very gently, when dd was 15 months old and having real problems sleeping. He does not for a moment say that when you go in to comfort your child that you can't touch them. He recommends that you stay with them for as long as it takes to calm and reassure them with physical contact AND words, though without picking them up from the cot. I think all kids and their needs are different but for dd this approach really worked when all else failed. She's not a cuddly baby but needed a different kind of reassurance from us.

Anyway, all you lucky co-sleepers, continue your cosy slumbers .

Piffleoffagus · 28/08/2004 21:24

I co slept with ds it was magic
dd no way she wants her own space, always has...

earlygirl · 28/08/2004 22:00

piffle how old was your ds (if you dont mind me asking) when you stopped co sleeping?

earlygirl · 28/08/2004 22:01

im just off to co sleep and cuddle my ds now it is bliss

Piffleoffagus · 28/08/2004 22:07

ds was in his own bed at age 6 most nights BUT still kipping in mine when waking in night or sometimes I would go to bed and he would have got in without me knowing this was up until 7 yrs old!!! I had no probs with it
About the time I met DH!!!
He was fine about being usurped as it turned out..

lulupop · 29/08/2004 10:35

Earlygirl, my DS ended up refusing to go back to sleep in his own cot after he woke up too. He was quite big by 2, and would shift sideways so that even with only 1 parent in the bed, the adult ended up getting shunted into a really uncomfortable position.
When I was PG with DD, and anticipating the "3 in a bed" (not including DH!) scenario, I decided I had to get tough. We got a big bed for DS, put a stair gate across his door, and explained the rules. The first few nights I ended up sitting at his bedside for hours while he went back off to sleep each time he woke, and then a decided to go up, put him back, and leave. There were a couple of nights where he screamed at the gate for so long he was sick. I just cleaned it up and put him back in bed. Sounds harsh, but I knew I couldn't cope dealing with him all night as well as breastfeeding a new baby.
He got the hang of it in the end and is now v happy in his room, and actually complains if we don't close the stairgate! If he does wake, he gets out of bed, plays with some toys, and almost always puts himself back later.
Co-sleeping is lovely when your children are babies, but I think it's impractical as they get older. For one thing, if you're a light sleeper yourself, they wake you with every movement, and for another, what happens if you and DH ever want to spend a night away from home?
As for sharing a bed with a 13 year old child as someone else mentioned... surely that's going to raise a few "issues" in the child's later life?

hercules · 29/08/2004 10:45

Why lulupop? As far as I can see it would only raise issues with other people who had a problem with it. Quite frankly that wouldnt bother me.

Ds slept with us most nights until he was 7. He was perfectly capable of sleeping in his own room but prefered to be with us.

I had no problem with this.

In DH's culture this is very common and he spent many nights with his family or in his own room until a later age.
He certainly doesnt have any "issues" although I expect other people would.

Surely that is their problem not his.

Personally I wouldnt want a 13 year old in with me, mainly due to lack of room.

I'd be interested to hear what the issues are though......

Hulababy · 29/08/2004 12:19

We co-slept with DD from pretty much birth - well midwife but her in my arms in bed first night in hospital - until she was about 18 months. We had a bedside cot but she always managed to wriggle across to my arms :) And it was lovely.

She only went from co-sleeping at 18 months as we bought her a toddler bed for her new bedroom and she liked it so much. I have to say I really missed the co-sleeping to start with. She is now 2y 4m, and she still comes in for a cuddle most mornings. Nothing nicer :)

Have to say though that I wouldn't have wanted co-sleeping to hgave affected mine and DH's relationship, and I wouldn't have liked the idea of DH not being in the family bed either. If that had happened as a result I think we would have not co-slept at all and worked on a different solution.

My parents co-slept on and off when we were little, so fully supported us. My PILs didn't and I think they found the whole idea very strange - but left us to it and didn't actually comment on it as such.

Clayhead · 29/08/2004 12:30

lulupop, it might be impractical as they get older for you but not for me! I love it.

DH works shifts so sleeping in seperate beds some nights is the norm for us anyway.

Maybe the older child thing is cultural too? In dh's culture co-sleeping is also unremarkable.

lulupop · 29/08/2004 14:02

I think co-sleeping is absolutely fine if it's OK with both adults, and suits your lifestyle (e.g if you know you will never need to leave your child for a night with anyone else - my DS got so used to me in bed with him, he went mad if even his grandma tried to lie down next to him so I could have a proper night's sleep)
That said, how are you supposed to have any kind of sex life with one or more kids in your bed? Maybe there are people who think it's OK to have sex with children in the room, but I'm not one of them! I read the first post on this thread where someone says "Just go some place the kids aren't" - well, like where? Does everyone have vast houses with several comfy beds? It might sound a bit unadventurous but the days of sex on the stairs are long gone for me - I quite like doing it in my own bed thank you very much
As for any issues coming from much older children co-sleeping, I'm not really sure myself, as I haven't met anyone who's had the experience (as far as I know), but I would imagine that for a teenager to think that a normal adult relationship involves sharing a bed with several kids and therefore having no sexual contact might cause some conflict for them as they get into their own adult relationships with people who've had a more "conventional" upbringing. Also, how about when kids want to go on sleepovers with friends and then can't get to sleep because Mummy and Daddy aren't there? One of my friends had this situation when her daughter hosted a sleepover recently, and she was livid at having to have someone else's 9 year old in bed with her and her DH, keeping them both awake on the edge of the bed, having had no warning of the likelihood of this from the girl's mother! Have to say I think I'd be pretty annoyed too!
The only thing I have against co-sleeping with babies/toddlers is that my own experience was that although I loved it when DS was tiny, as he got bigger he just kept me awake for longer and longer. I imagine if he'd lain completely still all night I might have enjoyed it more for longer. Finally, though, it is nice to read here that there are so many of you with a more positive view, as the only people I know with children over the age of 12 months in bed with them seem to really resent it and the effect it has on their relationships.

woodstock · 30/08/2004 05:08

We used a co-sleeper bassinet until ds was 6 months and literally got too big for it. During that time he would typically spend part of the night with us and part in the co-sleeper. His nursery is only a few feet from our bedroom which helped with the shift to his own cot. I didn't feel comfortable with the Ferber method but did follow bits of advice from the Baby Whisperer and the No-Cry Sleep Solution when we were in the transition phase. DS wriggles around quite a bit in his sleep so it seems that we are all getting a better night's sleep this way and I think all involved have adjusted quite well. I guess I would have to say that it was enjoyable during that first 6 months but I'm glad to have some privacy again with dh. I personally can't imagine continuing on for years. Had a friend who had a husband sleeping with their 6 year old in one bedroom and she slept with the 4 year old in another. I didn't want to chance something like that.

hercules · 30/08/2004 09:35

There are plenty of places in a house to have sex apart from a bed. It doesnt have to be the stairs! Just because you cosleep doesnt mean you have sex in front of the children!

DS never had problems sleeping elsewhere and has had sleep overs at friends and my sisters.

Cosleeping does not mean no sexual contact!!

If I thought that by co-sleeping my relationship with dh would be threatened I'd look elsewhere in the relationship for problems!

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