Jo Frost’s “controlled timed crying”?

[TLH0307]

Please don’t judge...I just need at least 2 hours of sleep at night. I’m currently getting none with my 6.5 month old. That’s no exaggeration, she wakes as soon as I start to nod off, she’s been waking every 45 minutes now since she was 4 months old.

I hate the idea of leaving her to cry so I’m reluctant to do it, but the timed controlled crying technique means you only extend the period of crying by two minutes each time (if I understand it correctly? My brain isn’t functioning at present) and people seem to swear by it. Has anyone done it? Does it work? I can’t imagine leaving her to cry even for 2 minutes but we do so much activity-wise during the day that I really am desperate for just a few hours of sleep at least, I’m running on empty and not sure how much longer I can cope. She nods off as soon as she’s in my arms, so she is tired - just can’t stay settled in her cot.

I co-sleep from about 5am onward and she settles but only for 90 mins or so. I feel uncomfortable co-sleeping as I want her to be as safe as possible, so it’s not an option for me overnight.

Please don’t tell me it’s bad for them, be assured I will absolutely not leave her for any prolonged period, I’m about as anxious and overprotective as a first time Mum can be... 😣 I just want to know if anyone has done it and did it work?

Thank you, from one very tired, anxious, clueless mum (who already feels like she can’t do very much right, so please don’t tell me I’m awful for considering leaving her to cry for a bit). 😣

I feel you sister. My first one was like that. We tried it, it broke my heart because it feels cruel but I was desperate. It didn't work.. We tried pretty much everything that was out there but nothing worked. Some babies just need to be close to you. Stay strong I know is exhausting, but will change eventually.

You’re coming out of one sleep regression into another, plus separation anxiety peaks at around 8 months. Plus there’s crawling, weaning, teething added to the mix. I don’t think now is a great time to attempt anything but more cosleeping. Read up on safe cosleeping.

Yes it is extremely effective and will work within a week (maybe 3 nights) if you are totally consistent in how you do it.

I did sleep training at 7 months with controlled crying. I went in every 2 minutes though and never extended the time as I wasn't comfortable with that. It took one night - I still fed him when he woke through the night but that dramatically dropped too. Good luck OP.

Is there anyone at all who can take baby for 5-6 hours so you can sleep? Could you pay for a night nurse for one night? I'm not saying don't do it, but you sound so conflicted, and i really remember the cant think can't do anything sleep deprivation

You’re coming out of one sleep regression into another, plus separation anxiety peaks at around 8 months. Plus there’s crawling, weaning, teething added to the mix. I don’t think now is a great time to attempt anything but more cosleeping. Read up on safe cosleeping.

@TittyGolightly puts it perfectly.

Your head and heart will hurt more leaving your baby to cry

I wouldn't write off co sleeping. I was so scared of it from stories and HV telling me not to, but it's literally saved my sanity. He's 7 months old now and DP has been relegated to the spare room but we're all sleeping which to me is what matters! Google safe co sleeping for info. But if you don't drink or smoke you have already ruled out the biggest danger factors.

How do you put her down at the end of the day? I did some controlled crying with my DC but only at their original bedtime. For night time wakings I went to them immediately and soothed using whatever it took. This has the advantage of you being awake and stronger and better able to stick to the timings, and it also doesn’t wake the neighbours.
(The theory, based on Richard Ferber, is that a baby who has gone to sleep in mum’s arms who then semi-rouses in the night to find themselves along in a cot will be understandably freaked out and scream for their stolen mother, but if a baby has gone to sleep in a cot in the first place then they will not wake fully when they semi-rouse.)

The other thing though, is that IMO controlled crying is only reasonable if baby is old enough that you can tell the difference between cross “how dare you leave me in this cot when I want company. Come back here immediately!” crying and desolate “my mother has gone and I have been left all alone forever!” crying which requires immediate response.

Not gonna lie. I love controlled crying. Worked on both of my babies. They’re great sleepers ever since. I feel absolutely no guilt because if crying is harmful then they would have cried a lot more without it due to being so much more tired. But I don’t think crying is really harmful. I think attachment parenting was invented to torture women personally. I know I know some people claim to enjoy it, can’t understand it myself. Need my space and need my sleep.

A lot don't like it but it worked for me. Sorry but sleep deprivation is torture. I'd try it if it's that bad.

I did all the reading about controlled crying last week. Was determined to try it... I think I lasted maybe a minute (if that) before I decided I couldn't do it.. My ds will be 6 months next week. Ds decided to wake every hour last week starting the night before I went back to work. Although he also hasn't been sleeping great since June so around 4 months. Up every couple of hours, but touch wood we have got a 3 or 4 hours stretch once for the past two nights so hopefully he might be settling again. He is so much happier when he has had a good night's sleep.
I also can't get my head round Co sleeping as I'm terrified of it.
Are you breastfeeding or formula?
Hope you get some sleep soon 😊

I also can't get my head round Co sleeping as I'm terrified of it.

Where do you think the first human babies slept? How about other apes?

Humans wouldn’t have been able to exist for hundreds of thousands of years of sleeping with our babies was so dangerous.

Wow thanks for all your responses so quickly!! Very mixed response as expected haha. I will take it all on board. Thank you all so much.

Numberofthemouse - my gran is fabulous and comes round most days so I can have an hour or two between our daily activities and outings! But an hour or two doesn’t cut it at 4am when I’m losing my shit ha!

EvilRingha - I put DD down asleep, if I put her down awake she would just stare at me like “wtf are you doing, pick me up this instant”. I know this is something I need to change!

Smurf123 - oh god I feel for you! Luckily I’ve got a year off work, I’m dreading going back after a year of no sleep (at this rate that’ll be the case!). And my girl is now formula fed.

As for co-sleeping, I know it works wonders as she does sleep better next to me, and I know it an absolutely be done safely, however I can’t shake the fear I have. I know it’s irrational, but a close friend lost her DS at 4 months whilst co sleeping, not a smoker or drinker. Even though I’m in the “lowest risk” co sleeping category, except for formula feeding, I can’t bring myself to go to sleep properly when she’s next to me because I can’t help but be haunted by what happened to my friend’s baby. Again, totally irrational because so many mums do it and it can be safe, but that’s just me 🙈 Sometimes I bring her into bed with me and just enjoy the cuddles and a chance to relax whilst she sleeps rather than being up every 45 mins.

If you're not breastfeeding then I wouldn't cosleep. Sorry. That's a big no for me.

Just remember that they are only this tiny for such a short time. She will only need her mummy like this for a little while and then you'll miss her waking for your cuddles.

I was very worried about cosleeping as I was on tablets that made me drowsy, so here's what I did.

I put him in a cot and pushed it right up against my bed, and dropped the side right down so I could put my arm in.

He could touch me and see me and smell me, and I couldn't possibly roll on him - although I did wake up with a dead arm occasionally and was once so tired i tried to put a dummy in his eye, but I NEVER managed to roll on him.

It worked for us really well (until he rolled, he was in a moses basket on my bed)

Tittygolightly, while I do see your point, that's actually not how species survival works.

We only need to have 2 offspring make it to adulthood to ensure the propagation of our dna. We could have 10 die and two survive and the human race would have still made it this far.

In fact, we still have problems with the rhesus factor in pregnancy because ONE child (the first one) is not affected.

@TittyGolightly that's all well and fine and I'm glad for you that it worked / you felt comfortable with it but there are risks with it. We are told that baby sleeping in their own cot is the safest place for them. Yes I'm terrified of doing it, doesn't mean it isn't right for others. For me Co sleeping would result in even less sleep as I would be constantly worrying about the risks regardless of how small they may well be. Op already said she doesn't feel comfortable co-sleeping, sometimes it is nice to hear that someone else feels the same way which is why I said it.

I used controlled crying with my 2 and it helped massively. I couldn’t function in the day and found I was grouchy and had no energy to do anything with them. They were safe and instead of leaving the room I sat next to the cot in sight so they knew I was there. Once they settled well with me there I then started to leave the room once they were in bed. It took a bit of work initially but it worked and saved my sanity. I felt that I was a better mum during the day for it as we were all well rested.

We did this with dc3 at 7 months. Like yours, he was waking every 45 minutes and we just couldn't cope with so little sleep. We got the big guns out and did everything at the same time in an all or nothing approach.

So we did the timed controlled crying as you suggest, 2 mins then 4, then 6 etc. Longest we ever got to was 16 minutes and that was only once.

We also got rid of the dummy, as he would wake up looking for it and not find it or be able to get it back in himself.

We put him in his own room in case it was us waking him up.
I also worked hard on daytime sleeps as I'd read that the better they sleep in the day, the better they sleep at night. So I walked and walked and walked with the buggy to make sure he stayed asleep for at least 2 X 2hr naps a day.

By night 3 he was waking just twice which compared to every 45 minutes was bliss so we kept it at that until he slept through. He's now 6 and an excellent sleeper, has a story, then reads to himself for 10 mins, puts his own light out and goes to sleep until morning.

We did a much more gradual approach. It still involved some crying but it did not involve leaving him to cry. The idea is that you gradually teach them to go to sleep by themselves by giving them reducing amount of support. So with my ds1 we went from feeding to sleep, to rocking to sleep, to holding to sleep, to lying next to him, sitting near him, to sitting further and further away until out of the door! It is a much longer process but I was happier as I never left him crying alone. I also increased the times between when I fed him at night as I was breastfeeding every 2 hours or so!

I used the book ‘teach your child to sleep’ as a guide and it was fabulous. The book also gives different techniques you can try (including controlled crying) so you can choose the technique that works for you and your family.

We did a bit like lorisparkle but always in the cot. It wasn’t a zero-crying approach but you never leave them cry alone iyswim. So they have to go to sleep in the cot but you’re there patting them, then when they’ve figured that out, for the next couple of nights you sit next to them but no patting, the next couple of nights you sit on the other side of the room. So you’ve been with them while they learn.

He's now 6 and an excellent sleeper, has a story, then reads to himself for 10 mins, puts his own light out and goes to sleep until morning.

Could have said the same about my then 6 year old. But we didn’t do any sort of sleep training.

Ahh I love this idea of gradually doing it! I can totally work with leaving her to cry in her cot for a bit while I sit next to her but don’t hold her! I feel like this could work better for me. Phew! Thanks ladies x

It is so good when you feel that you have a plan you can work with. I did take much longer but I found it fairly flexible and if ds was poorly or we were on holiday I could take a few steps back to comfort him and then quickly go back to him sleeping through whereas my friend found she had to do cc more than once.

Good luck!

I know it is so hard but it’s really worth remembering why babies wake and cry in the first place. It’s not as simple as ‘clean, dry and fed’. They cry because they need you whether that is just a cuddle. It’s rough but it isn’t for long in their little lives.