Jo Frost’s “controlled timed crying”?

[TLH0307]

Please don’t judge...I just need at least 2 hours of sleep at night. I’m currently getting none with my 6.5 month old. That’s no exaggeration, she wakes as soon as I start to nod off, she’s been waking every 45 minutes now since she was 4 months old.

I hate the idea of leaving her to cry so I’m reluctant to do it, but the timed controlled crying technique means you only extend the period of crying by two minutes each time (if I understand it correctly? My brain isn’t functioning at present) and people seem to swear by it. Has anyone done it? Does it work? I can’t imagine leaving her to cry even for 2 minutes but we do so much activity-wise during the day that I really am desperate for just a few hours of sleep at least, I’m running on empty and not sure how much longer I can cope. She nods off as soon as she’s in my arms, so she is tired - just can’t stay settled in her cot.

I co-sleep from about 5am onward and she settles but only for 90 mins or so. I feel uncomfortable co-sleeping as I want her to be as safe as possible, so it’s not an option for me overnight.

Please don’t tell me it’s bad for them, be assured I will absolutely not leave her for any prolonged period, I’m about as anxious and overprotective as a first time Mum can be... 😣 I just want to know if anyone has done it and did it work?

Thank you, from one very tired, anxious, clueless mum (who already feels like she can’t do very much right, so please don’t tell me I’m awful for considering leaving her to cry for a bit). 😣

The thing that’s missing from that list is “requires sleep association at each cycle”.
Which is the root of the vast majority of sleep issues in babies.

I agree with you. And they could require that sleep association due to various things on that list such as feeling anxious or stressed, over or under stimulated, scared of something, hearing a noise... I could go on.

I've done it with my ds, only extended by 1 minute each time to a maximum of ten minutes as I couldn't listen to him cry for longer. Took a bit of perseverance but it worked and he's a great sleeper now. Listening to them cry is awful but in my book, being too tired to function and be a good parent is worse in the long run.

I firmly believe that some babies cry because they are tired though. And if you keep disturbing them they get even more tired. And then adrenaline kicks in and they get more tired and then they cry more. It can become a vicious cycle.

I know not everyone agrees with this but I put mine to bed in their own cot and if they cried for a few minutes (never longer than 7 as it happens but I know from experience even that can seem horribly long; usually it was three or four minutes because I timed it and wrote it down) then I'm afraid I let them do so. Obviously not if thry seemed ill or distressed. They always fell asleep promptly. Sometimes it gets to the point that them getting used to falling asleep in their own bed and self settling etc - even if that means a few minutes crying - is more beneficial than night after miserable night of broken sleep.

Op - your opening line - please don't judge me , I need at least two hour's sleep at night - says it all! No one would judge you for needing much more! Be kind to yourself!

I agree with Chipotle about them crying because they are tired. I had two criers and they were worse when tired.

The toddler taming book helped me realise that I wasn’t alone (it was pre MN) and gave some techniques to try. Controlled crying was what helped me, but I didn’t use it until they were over 12 months old.

Yeah my babies were total cries when tired kids and couldn’t sleep with me pestering them, they needed solitude (or rhythmic motion) to sleep.

Like pp we did the gradual withdrawal method, so very little controlled crying but a gradual edging away, each day a little more kind of thing. I had to sleep to function, I couldn't safely care for my pair during the day if I had no sleep at night.
Humans were designed to live in larger groups, sleep on the ground with much less comfortable mattresses in often much colder spaces than we currently have and accept a much higher infant death rate than we would tolerate now a days so I'm not sure that referring to the past is that useful.

I did controlled crying it worked a treat. Yes you feel like utter shit at hearing them cry but it within three days she was sleeping through. I know different kids take to it different ways but I was like you at my wits end and I had to take assertive action to t the rest I needed to be a fit mum. My daughter is a good sleeper now. If the technique appeals and you think you can do it, give it a go. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty either. Best of luck x

@crazycatlady5 no that’s not what I meant.
If they have a learned sleep association such as feeding or rocking to sleep, and that’s how they fell asleep at the beginning of their nap or night sleep, some babies will need exactly that same thing every 30-45 mins during naps and every 45 mins to 2 hours at night. They naturally rouse at those times between sleep cycles and they panic if they have not got the sleep association.
That’s why babies who go to sleep in their cot at the beginning of the nap or night sleep much better.

My son was an absolute nightmare with sleeping. I used to try rocking him to sleep etc. Within half an hour of putting him into his cot the little sod was awake and crying, queue the whole rocking rigmarole again. At the end of my tether with hardly any sleep I took the advise of my neighbour. To do controlled crying. Night One, it took him 2 hours to settle! I'd let him cry for a minute, then pop in and reassure him all was ok, let him hear my voice, but I didn't pick him up. By night 3 he'd settled within half hour and slept through the night!

We did CC at 14 months with DD. Probably should've tried it before that because we were hallucinating with exhaustion. She either woke every 45mins for a resettle, or she woke up once but for 2-3hrs. She wouldn't take milk. She wouldn't let DH settle her. It was hell. She was utterly miserable all the time because she was so tired.

We let her cry for 1 min, then went in and shushed her until she calmed down (she went bananas if we touched her, hence not co-sleeping). Then left her for 2 mins, then 3, then 4, etc. We agreed to stop increasing the time at 10mins, but we never got that far.

First night we got up to 8mins. She slept through. Next night she wised up a bit and, after initially going down quickly, kept waking up. We did CC every time she woke up. Third night we got to 6mins and she slept through. After a week she'd stopped crying and started chatting and singing to herself before falling asleep.

Now she's 4 and sleeps like a log. I won't hesitate to do it with DS (8 weeks) when he's older if we need to. Everyone - especially the kid! - benefits so much from decent sleep. It doesn't work for every child but if it does then it's a few days of horrible bedtimes and naps, and amazing after that.

@TLH0307 i've done controlled crying since 7 weeks. LO is now 7 months.

We put her to bed at 7:30, she normally cries/whinges for 10mins or so on worst day then goes to sleep and wakes up around 8am

@DieAntword

Not gonna lie. I love controlled crying. Worked on both of my babies. They’re great sleepers ever since. I feel absolutely no guilt because if crying is harmful then they would have cried a lot more without it due to being so much more tired. But I don’t think crying is really harmful. I think attachment parenting was invented to torture women personally. I know I know some people claim to enjoy it, can’t understand it myself. Need my space and need my sleep.

100% agree with all of this!!

I put DD down asleep, if I put her down awake she would just stare at me like “wtf are you doing, pick me up this instant”. I know this is something I need to change

Haha! That’s exactly what my DD does, either with a little wail and a hurt cry or she’ll lie down and start playing with her hands as if to say “okay, we can’t possibly be going to sleep because i’m Not in your bed.

We were never planning to co-sleep. She made it over face to face with me on the 3rd night and she’s been in our bed ever since. ☺️ But I love it to be honest.

I feel much better after reading these! Also had a chat with my mum who did cc with me and my brother and sister...we’re all fine, so to me it makes sense to just do it! At the minute some days are so miserable, no sleep is bad for everyone. And now I’m back at work very soon - as a police officer, driving with lights and sirens at speed - I NEED sleep, simple! I know there’s bugger all wrong with DD when she wakes up because she immediately falls asleep as soon as she’s picked up and wakes when she’s put down, so I don’t feel too much guilt at the thought of leaving her for a few minutes. Tough love it’s called, right? 🤷🏼‍♀️ She is so loved and has undivided attention and a million things to do during the day, so I can’t beat myself up for wanting a small amount of sleep, enough so that I’m not bloody hallucinating 😂 Thanks for all your responses xx

i've done controlled crying since 7 weeks. LO is now 7 months.

7 weeks?!

I think if you are going back to work soon, I’d definitely do it now. So that your DD doesn’t associate you being away more during the day with this new night time approach.

We did it at 6 months, took 3 nights and then he was sleeping through, bliss!

@crazycatlady I did it around 10 weeks with my first. He’s 2 now, no sign of problems. His paediatrician said “it’s probably easier the younger they are” and basically approved it.

His paediatrician said “it’s probably easier the younger they are” and basically approved it.

How shiny was his crystal ball?

Her. She didn’t have one and I’m not sure what you’re getting at.

My DD was the same. She had undiagnosed CMPA and only ever slept 40min at a time. Once we got the CMPA under control at 5 months I had to go back to work. I did controlled crying. Actually my mum did the first week as I was on a short break with her at the seaside.

DM is a clinical child psychologist specialising in early years development (has done published research on separation anxiety and nature/nurture). I add this to show she know what she was talking about, did it with me and my brother, and it does NOT harm babies at all. It worked. It was really, very hard the first few days. But my mum persisted (I was ready to throw in the towel and continue cosleeping) and it paid off. Go for it. No sleep was torture and I was a walking zombie.

I add this to show she know what she was talking about, did it with me and my brother, and it does NOT harm babies at all.

Nobody can absolutely guarantee that. Levels of clinical depression in teens and adults is higher than ever before. I don’t think there is research looking at whether there’s a causation, but it’s hard to believe it’s absolutely impossible that ignoring a tiny baby’s innate biological needs (which is all they have at 7-12-26 weeks) is going to have a positive effect on their brain.

Well there has been no research results suggesting otherwise. Research is about disproving a hypothesis.

Cc was great for ds and us. I can honestly say i have never once missed 'nught time cuddles' = hideous shattered sleep.