I've done EVERYTHING by the book since birth but baby screams until he passes out

[Raydan]

My 18 week old screams hysterically nearly every time we put him to sleep. We've been using the EASY method since he was born and the screaming is getting worse and worse (currently one hour and 10 mins into screaming - I've had to hand him to my mother).

We use a nap routine of lullaby with head stroking followed by reading the same story book and then a few mins of quiet sitting before being put down drowsy but awake...or that's how it's supposed to go. Now most of the time he instead screams until he passes out. Nighttime routine includes change of clothes and applying moisturizer.

He's not too hot or cold, he's not hungry, he's not overtired, he's not uncomfortable in any way. He's not scared of his cot as will happily lie there when he wakes up
It seems he just doesn't want to be told what to do and go to sleep. The screaming will stop immediately if we stop the routine and leave the room.

He has always resisted nap and bedtime but the resistance is now more frequent and more extreme.

I've searched online for answers and asked relatives who have lots of baby experience, but I cannot find a cause for this behaviour.

It's pushed me so far that I've just referred to my son as a "prick" so I'm definitely losing it. I would be very grateful for any advice on how to make him happy to go to bed!

The best kind of thread on mn. Well done to you for listening to all the pp and for having a nice relaxed evening.

@Raydan I thought the baby whisperer had some good points but it simply doesn't work for most breastfed babies. My baby's routine is more like EAES(no Y as sleeping on me)EAEEES etc. And that's totally fine and normal too.

@InNeedOfALieInNow so glad I asked the question!

@Badgerthebodger thanks so much x

Great that you have stopped worrying about feeding to sleep. Just wanted to add another voice to the chorus to counter your ‘everyone I know’ comment - 6 mo here who does all her naps in her pram then feeds to sleep for bedtime and through the night. I’m a strong purponent of ‘do what works now’ and not trying to change things in anticipation of what may (or may not) become a problem in the future. If and when things stop working, then we look to do things differently.

@Trilllllian I've been reading up on Good Enough parenting. It's so insightful and really changed how I've been looking at things. Thanks so much for the tip!

No worries @Raydan. I had twins - no choice but to be 'good enough'. Hope you're feeling better.

@Trilllllian loads better thanks. Screaming has reduced (not gone but at least halved) and I'm not worried about messing everything up forever if I change tactics! DS much happier being listened to.

If you haven't seen the Psychology Today article on Good Enough Parenting it's worth a look. So very refreshing! we can forgive ourselves for not being perfect.

A psychologist introduced me to this when in similar position to you

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/freedom-learn/201512/the-good-enough-parent-is-the-best-parent

At 18 weeks you are most likely in the middle of the 4 month sleep regression, an awful period and accounts for a very unsettled baby. Seriously try to be patient, it will pass. It's good to try to get into routine, however you need to be flexible otherwise it's going to cause you more damage than good. It's not healthy to let a baby scream, it causes them distress, pick the poor baby up and cuddle him, feed him, do whatever he needs!

Through the first year babies change so much week to week that you just need to change your approach as you go, whilst trying to maintain some sort of routine (but NOT a rigid one!). I've seen Mums keeping to a rigid routine and it caused them so much distress.

Also, people here can say what their routine was, but every baby is different so what works for one might not work for another. I've had two babies 18 months apart and they are totally different! First was naturally a perfect sleeper, second I had to breast feed to sleep- BUT she is now 11 months and doesn't need that in order to settle anymore! Things change so quickly, and your baby will have changed hugely by the time he gets to creche!

Most importantly, be kind to yourself and don't compare to others. Everyone has a different baby, some may be easier than others but it's all a phase and it's NOTHING you are doing wrong!

My son used to do this. We found that everything we tried stimulated him, stopping him from falling asleep. I found the best thing was to hold him gently but firmly so he couldn't flail about, avoid eye contact and let him cry himself to sleep. He would often fall asleep mid cry. It sounds horrible, but he wasn't distressed (that was a different cry). We still did a bedtime routine, but moved it half an hour earlier, before he was overtired.

I followed this advice:
www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1477238/A-daily-dose-of-fresh-air-helps-babies-to-sleep-longer-at-night.html

However I followed this advice in 1999, this was 5 years before the above newspaper report.

It's interestingly finding favour again:
www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/02/03/return-old-habits-babies-encouraged-sleep-outside-fresh-air/
www.babysleepsite.com/how-we-sleep/fresh-cold-air-help-baby-nap-sleep-longer/

and has a scientific basis
jultika.oulu.fi/files/isbn9789514296673.pdf

Hi Raydan,
I'm so very sorry that what's basically bullshit parenting advice has led to your bedtime experience with your baby being full of stress and trauma for both of you.
I second everyone here saying that the whole routine/sleep training/self-settling thing is great... if it works for your baby, i.e. they are chilled with it. A vast number of babies aren't for the reasons already explained.
Your little one is still tiny, and he desperately wants to be close to you. Picking up and putting down is confusing for them- just as you come back and comfort them, you go away again. They have no cluse whatsoever what you're trying to achieve by this, and it's simply frightening when they're programmed to need, not just want, to be close to parents.

Please continue using the blessing from nature that is breastfeeding, and don't think you have to "get off it" at any future point. It has absolutely been the easiest way to get both of mine to sleep well past a year old (and past two years for my second). It won't work every single time for developmental or corcumstantial reasons, but it's generally reliable and importantly works with your baby's instincts, instead of against them.
A very lucky proportion of parents have sleepy, self-settling babies, the rest either persist with various sleep training methods until the baby or they give up. You don't have to follow that path.

Good luck x

Also, I lived in France for 5 years and it's rubbish that their kids are somehow super-well behaved or sleep extraordinarily well. What IS true is that they yell at them loads (and I saw plenty of smacking), do loads of sleep training (sleeping in separate rooms is normal despite SIDS), and they also tend to keep them up much later so they're completely knackered and sleep lots (but still with crying).

Love everything you said InFrance.. and completely agree. The books are a crock of shit. Feeding to sleep through breastfeeding and cuddling to sleep is blissful.. and they grow up so quickly!

I worried so much about always feeding my first baby to sleep because all the advice tells you not to - but all the advice is not specific to YOUR baby, and that's what settled her. So I finally ignored the advice and had happy bedtimes, and it was no issue long term because when I weaned her we found another way for her to settle. I worry so much less with my second and she is such a chilled out baby.

IMO the only baby advice that I have received that Is any good is 'this too shall pass'. Everything is just a phase and they grow up so fast.

Please don’t worry about routines. Just enjoy the cuddles and falling asleep in your arms. Before you know it that period of time is over and they are hairy, lanky, smelly teenagers. I look back now at that time it was just a very small period of time.