I've done EVERYTHING by the book since birth but baby screams until he passes out

[Raydan]

My 18 week old screams hysterically nearly every time we put him to sleep. We've been using the EASY method since he was born and the screaming is getting worse and worse (currently one hour and 10 mins into screaming - I've had to hand him to my mother).

We use a nap routine of lullaby with head stroking followed by reading the same story book and then a few mins of quiet sitting before being put down drowsy but awake...or that's how it's supposed to go. Now most of the time he instead screams until he passes out. Nighttime routine includes change of clothes and applying moisturizer.

He's not too hot or cold, he's not hungry, he's not overtired, he's not uncomfortable in any way. He's not scared of his cot as will happily lie there when he wakes up
It seems he just doesn't want to be told what to do and go to sleep. The screaming will stop immediately if we stop the routine and leave the room.

He has always resisted nap and bedtime but the resistance is now more frequent and more extreme.

I've searched online for answers and asked relatives who have lots of baby experience, but I cannot find a cause for this behaviour.

It's pushed me so far that I've just referred to my son as a "prick" so I'm definitely losing it. I would be very grateful for any advice on how to make him happy to go to bed!

No advice OP, but I'm in the same boat with my 17 week old DS. It's only sleep he fights, other than that he's such a happy baby. I've just been going with whatever works that day. White noise seems to be the best thing so far. Hope things improve (for both our babies) sooner rather than later!

1yo falls asleep at night on the breast. We cosleep, no tears. Eldest did the same. Don't try force a routine just for the sake of it imo.

SOrry Op, just to add that at this age you often need to move to a 4 hour EASY if things seem to have gone to pot but were working before. You can google example routines for timings

Hi RockinRobinTweets

What you said a out trying to figure out whether it's my baby or my approach is where I am. I just don't know the answer right now!

I've been researching sample schedules and have adjusted awake times which seemed to work for a day...

As others say the babies didn't get the memo about needing a routine but your own routine will evolve as they get older. If your baby is teething that may not be helping and teething granules at bedtime might help.

We didn't a routine until after 6 months

I can't figure out how to use the reply function on this website btw. Sorry about that - probably not at my finest following hours of being screened at and typing through tears

Really appreciate the advice from you all

I breastfed all mine to sleep until they were much older than that. DH never got them to sleep, that was fine by me as I quite enjoyed the being trapped under sleeping baby feeling. I did go slightly potty with my third baby who woke as soon as I put her down, but that phase didn't last that long (just felt like it!). I Co slept a lot too. I was a young mum and determined to just do whatever my body and baby needed at the time, screw the books. It worked out fine.

Babies are all so different. Seriously, I only have 3 to compare and I can't believe how different they were at every stage. I had one who adored her bed, but the others hated going to bed.

Please give yourself a break. Feed him or rock him to sleep. Whatever works for you both. He's very young yet and you can just ignore the haters. Or lie to them - coz I guarantee you that not one of their babies actually has/had the perfect routine. It'll all come together in time.

In the interests of full disclosure, some of my friends have babies up to the age of one who slept in their arms until they went to to bed themselves. It was frustrating at times, but it's for such a short time that it just doesn't really matter. It's much preferable to the stress of a screaming baby and an ever-more-stressed parent. And must babies figure out the sleep routine long before that.

Don't worry about childcare or how other people will get your child to sleep. It'll all work out. My most sleep-resistant dc would absolutely, categorically not go for a nap at home with me. Ever. Not once. We'd have to go out on the car or buggy. But at the childminder's, he'd literally crawl into the little bed and close his eyes as calm as anything.

I promise you'll figure out your own way. But in the meantime, do what works for happy relaxed parents.

Throw away the bloody book, it’s clearly causing your whole household distress!

The only constant with babies and sleep is change: no phase is forever. I’ve been feeding to sleep since birth and around 6 months he started to take himself off the breast awake after his bedtime feed. He’ll now go into his cot after feeding, have a bit of a roll about/babble to himself, and drop off. No tears or stress on his side or mine.

I know I might sound like a condescending twat (please ignore if this is the case), but I really think it’s easier if you assume your baby is teaching you to be the parent they need at exactly the same pace you’re teaching them to be a functional human being.

Hope thing still get easier however you decide to proceed!

Ignore the books, they just make you feel like a crap parent. I fed to sleep/pram to sleep dd for months. Even now at 18 months she naps often in pram. She's gone from being an awful sleeper,, waking every couple hours and only napping half hour at a time to self settling, sleeping totally through the night and napping 1.5 -3 hours straight. With babies everything is a phase, the bad sleep phase will pass I promise!

18 weeks is still pretty early. Stop worrying so much about the book. Try to keep a rough routine but Don’t sweat it. You might just have a kid that needs assistance soothing to sleep. Some people find you can use a dummy as a switch others turn to rocking and walks outside. Try a variety of different approaches and see what works for you baby. Some need different things to others. Try to remember in a few years the current expert will be debunked too and your best guide is what feels best for you both

DD1 was like this. Had to be in constant motion or feeding to sleep. In the end we found out that she had a dairy allergy and reflux. Does your baby seem more settled if sleeping in a tilted position as opposed to flat in the cot?

@Raydan " Been told by a number of ppl that it's unfair to not have child in routine and just can't figure out where I'm going wrong."

I can tell you exactly where you're going wrong. You're listening to other people, and you don't have other people's child. Find what works for you and your baby. Even if you feed to sleep, rock the pram for an hour...it doesn't matter. What works now won't be what you're stuck with forever.

Everyone I know has managed to get a sensible wind-down and sleep routine going and I'm just trying to do the same

They are lying, mostly. Or reporting when things go right.

You are slap bang in the middle of the four month sleep regression. Just do whatever it takes to get decent naps/night sleep for now. You’re not still going to be feeding him to sleep when he’s off to uni.

Sympathies, it's so hard and tiring. My first baby was like this. Never napped during the day and took hours to get off at night. It turned out she had reflux. She would occasionally nap in the buggy, because it was reclined and not fully flat. The acidity is much worse if they're flat on their backs. Might be worth investigating.

Don’t beat yourself up Rayden, every individual baby is different. It is early days trying to establish a routine. Like others suggested I would ditch the book, relax and let whatever routine happen.

Your little man has had everything given to him when you were carrying him. He is trying to find his way 💐

Re reflux. Baby had dairy and soy allergy and refulx. I've given up both and reflux has eased. We have both pram and cot tilted.

The screaming isn't in the cot, it's in our arms. I'd never leave him crying on his own.

OT but are you in France? You might enjoy the book "Why French children don't throw food", I read it recently, it's by an American living in France and it had a section on routine among other things.

I've been so worried about setting bad habits forever that I've been persevering with the routine since it seems to work for everyone else but it's really upsetting the whole family and just not working.

On the advice that nothing is forever and it's all going to change in six months anyway I think I'll just feed him to sleep followed by dummy in mouth (this has been my MO when desperate and it works).

PLEASE let this work. I'll report back. Thanks for all the help x

Oh you poor thing, it's so hard when you think you're doing it all wrong. Mine have both been determined non sleepers even when "everyone else" seemed to be doing the baby whisperer, Gina ford, or some other book.... I was so much happier with DD2 when I didn't open a single baby book and just chillled out, fed her to sleep on my lap while watching tv for the first six months year ... you'll make changes when you need to, babies change so quickly in the first year, so just go with the flow for now and do whatever keeps you and our baby happy. No book, no routine, no "helpful" advice or pressure from other people should be making your baby cry for hour. Feed and sleep and co-sleep (safely) and don't beat yourself up about it!

I don't believe that we get our babies into a routine, we just think we do. In reality, they feed when they need to and sleep when and how they want to. As parents we accommodate that and work our routine around them. As pp said, nothing is really long term with babies, they change all the time. Put the books away op, and listen to your baby.

OP you say the screaming is while you are holding him and stops when you stop the routine. Does that mean when you put him in his cot he stops? If so I'd ditch all the lotions, noise etc, quick bath if he'll tolerate it, breastfeed then put into cot. Sometimes babies cry because they are tired and just want to be left alone. Took me a while to figure that out with my first! Obvs if he's distressed don't leav him for ages though

Iamstegosaurusthethird - if he's screaming it will continue whether in our arms or the cot. I've never left him to cry/scream in the cot for more than a moment. I pick him up and hold him until he's calm and then put him down again.

OP I’m here to reassure you that if you think all your friends’ babies are sleeping happily through then they are lying to only telling you about the good nights! Once I told my friends about what a total nightmare DS1 was I heard all sorts of stories back. (He’s 12 now and still doesn’t sleep!)

Who is the routine for- younor baby - do you want to run your life like that - I know it’s vey reassuring for many mums; but I don’t think the baby will care if he isn’t put in a routine. Any routine is borrowed time anyway as hey change so quickly.

I found that it felt like being set up to fail because of that - no routine works for very long.

Google ‘good enough’ parenting if you want to regin a middle ground