I've done EVERYTHING by the book since birth but baby screams until he passes out

[Raydan]

My 18 week old screams hysterically nearly every time we put him to sleep. We've been using the EASY method since he was born and the screaming is getting worse and worse (currently one hour and 10 mins into screaming - I've had to hand him to my mother).

We use a nap routine of lullaby with head stroking followed by reading the same story book and then a few mins of quiet sitting before being put down drowsy but awake...or that's how it's supposed to go. Now most of the time he instead screams until he passes out. Nighttime routine includes change of clothes and applying moisturizer.

He's not too hot or cold, he's not hungry, he's not overtired, he's not uncomfortable in any way. He's not scared of his cot as will happily lie there when he wakes up
It seems he just doesn't want to be told what to do and go to sleep. The screaming will stop immediately if we stop the routine and leave the room.

He has always resisted nap and bedtime but the resistance is now more frequent and more extreme.

I've searched online for answers and asked relatives who have lots of baby experience, but I cannot find a cause for this behaviour.

It's pushed me so far that I've just referred to my son as a "prick" so I'm definitely losing it. I would be very grateful for any advice on how to make him happy to go to bed!

Deadringer - I think you are onto something there!!

Ignore books. Ignore other people. Your baby is crying because he’s trying to communicate with you. In my opinion the best way to get a baby to sleep is whatever makes them calm and happy. It’s certainly not doing something that frightens them or makes them cry.

The definition of routine is different for everybody. My routine at about this age was watch for sleepy cues during the day and then feed to sleep - sometimes I’d pop her down afterwards and sometimes I’d just cuddle and nap myself. Nighttime we’d be aiming for about 7-8pm (depending on when she woke from last nap). Bath, clean clothes, feed in dark room, put in cot/Moses basket when fully asleep. Just because you breastfeed to sleep doesn’t mean the father can’t have his own way of getting him to sleep. Rocking, singing, bouncing or walking him around - whatever it takes.

Worrying less and going with what works for you all at the moment sounds good to me, OP. Also as pp said it is prime sleep regression time and I think whatever you do, sleep regression is a bugger and all you should be doing is remembering it’s developmentally normal, it’s nothing to do with things you’re doing/not doing, and it does end!

You sound like a thoughtful and conscientious mum - don’t let anyone make you feel you’re not doing a brilliant job.

Oh and also both of my dd’s were fed to sleep as babies. Both go to sleep happily lying down in their own beds now. Whatever you do now isn’t forever, as pp have said.

Could it be reflux OP? My babies had this, but I didn't realise with the first one. If so, this does reduce with weaning. Also, I had to give up dairy products (breastfed) and my babies improved.

Other than that - I'm sorry, there's no cause. My youngest was still being rocked to sleep for all hours at this age. I remember the desperation of still being awake at 1am with her and facing work the next day. It's exhausting but it does end.

Throw the books away.!

Personally I loved the baby whisperer & book was awesome. It worked for us. But you need to still adjust it slightly to match your baby.

I disagree with feeding your baby to sleep or holding them because that will then become a habit that you need to break.

Are you exclusively breastfeeding? The reason i ask is because you say your baby wakes up when the pram stops it if you feed him to sleep he quickly wakes up looking for more. I'm wondering if it's actually a feeding issue & he wakes because he was hungry. The same thing happened with me & he would sleep when he was in the car or the buggy & would fall asleep exhausted when I fed him, but they he would wake up screaming again.

I tried to yield & what I found was although I was producing lots of milk it wasn't great quality milk. Probably because I was knackered & not eating as well as I should be. I would suggest you consider this & see what you think.

I tried everything I could do improve my milk but in my case it didn't work so I reluctantly put my baby on a bottle. He thrives on it & slept like a dream there after. 2 day time naps & a big long night sleep. He is still a good sleeper now. He's 13. I did combination feeding with the next two & I breast them for 9 months, but with my daughter I had to give up the breast feeding at 4 months. I was gutted to do it but it was the right thing for her.

I hope you manage to sort this out x

Burn the book. You've discovered two ways he'll fall asleep - on the breast and in the pram. Maybe try a sling too? But pram is best, as it leaves you free to go to the loo, take a breather, make and drink hot tea etc. My DS slept in his pram for years as it was the only place he'd nod off. Turned out he had two unconnected medical problems that meant lying flat was very painful and made breathing difficult. Propped up was far better for him. He screamed for a reason.

He sleeps in a pram? Great. Let him sleep in a pram. You and he both need the rest. No probelm. Babies have thrived for aeons sleeping on dirt floors, in chests of drawers etc. He will too, in his pram.

I agree. Ignore books and do what works for your baby.
Dd only ever fell asleep when she was moving. It was buggy, car or jiggling. I did that for months. Yes it was a pain but when she slept, I got a few hours to myself. Now she’s 5 and I read her a story, say good night and leave her to it.

Thanks Verbena87 for what you said and everyone for the help. I'm in floods of tears because I'd felt like I was failing my child and tearing my hair out not knowing where I was going wrong.

He hates the routine and I hate making him so upset so it ends.

Raydan please be kinder to yourself. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! You are just like every other new mum, learning how to be a parent and realising that it's maybe not the Disney image of motherhood you were sold. It's the hardest but most wonderful experience you will ever have.

1. Throw away the book
2. Ignore "everybody has a routine by this stage": it's bollocks
3. Ignore this rubbish that one routine works for everybody. Never has, never will.
4. Stop putting unrealistic expectations on your baby that make you feel a failure and make you frustrated with him. They change so fast. I think it's impossible to get a tiny baby into bad habits and any habits the do develop will be a distant memory in 12 months.

widowtocricket - baby has had serious health problems so his weight is being very closely monitored and he's gaining a lot. I'm combo feeding.

Issue doesn't seem to be hunger as he doesn't wake up once he's down...it's getting him down. As soon as he realises that it's bedtime he freaks out.

Babies are meant to fall asleep on the breast. They're nourished, comforted and feel safe.

Your baby is so little still. Enjoy the cuddles and focus on sleep training later (much later!!) if you still want to.
Does your son take a dummy? Because this would be a good option so he can suckle on something for comfort even when you're not there.

Honestly, the fucking books! I know so many brilliant parents who have been made to feel inadequate or unsure of themselves or as if they’re failing by advice written by people who’ve never met their babies (and in some cases have no kids of their own) - by all means take on board advice that resonates with you and works for your family, but feel free to ignore (and/or burn ) the rest.

I’ve worked in education most of my adult life and genuinely think the way you get parenting ‘wrong’ is by failing to meet basic needs - if kids are safe, cleanish, fed, talked and listened to, and loved, you’re doing it right. The precise details of how you do those things aren’t usually very important.

I’m a huge fan of routine but at that age we kept it really simple and did bath, massage and feed to sleep (bottle). Books/lullabies made DD hyper so we didn’t bother. Gradually she started being drowsy rather than asleep at the end of her feed, eventually she was awake. But we had that association of feed then put down to sleep going so it never caused any problems for us. She’s slept through consistently from 6 weeks and is now 1. If feeding to sleep works then do it! And do not feel guilty, it’s always trial and error in the early to find out what works for you and your baby.

I am so glad you posted on here because you have had some brilliant replies. Stuff the routine and do what works for your baby, let him lead the way, if he wants to feed to sleep, do that, he won't be doing it forever.

That sounds very sensible OP. I fed or walked DS to sleep for the first year of his life. He still won’t settle for a daytime nap in anything but car or buggy for me but has been sleeping fine at nursery since 9 months, they started by pushing him in a buggy then laying him in the buggy without pushing then moved him to a cot, at 21 months now he just lies on his sleeping mat with all the other toddlers - I have no idea how they manage it but they do!

EB123 - I'm so glad I posted too! Was driven demented trying to "solve the problem"

For me the key was getting my children to learn to go to sleep themselves. Putting them in the cot when they are already asleep, lulling them, driving them around etc just makes a rod for your own back. They have to learn that cot equals sleep and feel secure.
I used to swaddle my first and put him down awake after he'd been fed. If he cried, I came back and stood by his cot or rubbed his back, but didn't pick him up or stimulate him. I kept doing this until he realised he wasn't being left and that was that. I did this with all three children and it worked. At night, keep all stimulation to a minimum. Keep the room dark, don't talk to the baby, just feed and put the baby back down. If he/she cries, go back in after a few mins, rub their back , then leave.

I'm sorry if I sound smug, but I read Penelope Leach and followed her instructions to the letter. I worked. She maintains that you must teach a baby the difference between night and day and teach them to self soothe without making them feel abandoned. I had a cuddly toy that each of them had at bedtime too. At 18 months my first child threw it in the BIN and that was that!

cherrytrees123 - have been following a very similar routine. Issue is that as soon as he realises the routine is starting he begins screaming, i.e. during lullaby or story, not when I put him down. Once he's calm and in the cot he's fine - I always aim to put him down awake. He just seems to not want to go to sleep so fights the sleep triggers hes being given by the lullaby/story.

I wonder if he's overtired? What would happen if you miss out the lullaby/story, just feed him and put him in his cot? Feeding will make him sleepy. Perhaps he is overstimulated or overtired? I do sympathise, it is such hard work looking after a baby.

@cherrytrees123 please see above. Issue is not with being put in the cot which is why I'm so baffled and struggling.

I've adjusted awake times appropriately for his age so he's not under/over tired. Not hungry. Not cold/hot. Not scared of cot or being alone - will happily babble away alone when he wakes or on nights he is put down awake without a fight.

No issues with day and night. Is given dream feed and then makes once around 3am, which seems reasonable at his age. Normally goes straight back to sleep and on the occasions that he doesn't, he's left to babble and fall asleep himself.

Sorry but why are you so fixated on your baby doing as it’s told? He’s 18 weeks!. At this age they sleep on the boob, being rocked or in the pram. Of course he’s screaming when you try to insist he goes to sleep like a much older baby does. And it’s normal for a breastfeeding mother to be the one to get him to sleep at this age. By 11 months he will be a totally different baby and much more able to settle.
You’re expecting far too much I’m afraid and this crying is actually unnecessary .
I’ve had 3 kids and they’ve all slept eventually.. without any kind of strict nap routine etc

@cherrytrees123 sorry was typing while you were posting. He will go straight down after a feed with little issue - I did it tonight. I've been trying to avoid feeding to sleep though and use a wind down routine instead...

@Oly5 I'm not here for your negativity. Nearly everyone else has been wonderfully helpful and KIND.

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread.

It seems he just doesn't want to be told what to do and go to sleep. The screaming will stop immediately if we stop the routine and leave the room.

This jumped out at me. My two DSs were about the same age as yours when the world started to seem to be too much at bedtime, and that includes cuddles. I had to put them down (warm, full, clean nappy) in a cot and leave. If I held them or cuddled them it kept them awake and they too would scream until they passed out. It didn't work for them and frankly I hated it too, so give your boy what he clearly wants and leave the room early on. Obv if he cries for >5 min go back and reapply milk, but I'll bet he'll be out like a light by then.