I've done EVERYTHING by the book since birth but baby screams until he passes out

[Raydan]

My 18 week old screams hysterically nearly every time we put him to sleep. We've been using the EASY method since he was born and the screaming is getting worse and worse (currently one hour and 10 mins into screaming - I've had to hand him to my mother).

We use a nap routine of lullaby with head stroking followed by reading the same story book and then a few mins of quiet sitting before being put down drowsy but awake...or that's how it's supposed to go. Now most of the time he instead screams until he passes out. Nighttime routine includes change of clothes and applying moisturizer.

He's not too hot or cold, he's not hungry, he's not overtired, he's not uncomfortable in any way. He's not scared of his cot as will happily lie there when he wakes up
It seems he just doesn't want to be told what to do and go to sleep. The screaming will stop immediately if we stop the routine and leave the room.

He has always resisted nap and bedtime but the resistance is now more frequent and more extreme.

I've searched online for answers and asked relatives who have lots of baby experience, but I cannot find a cause for this behaviour.

It's pushed me so far that I've just referred to my son as a "prick" so I'm definitely losing it. I would be very grateful for any advice on how to make him happy to go to bed!

Do what works to get the whole family the most sleep and peace as possible now. If that’s feed to sleep then so be it. He’s a baby and wants comfort.

In a while (a few months or whatever that may be) you can slowly start to adjust what you do. Feed him until he’s nearly asleep and pop him in the cot. Then when that’s ok, feed him in the cot and so on. Gradual changes to the routine, but so gradual that he’s not upset or frightened.

Babies are hard. You’re doing great and you care and you’re wanting to do the best you can and that makes you a brilliant mum. Chuck the book, don’t worry about what others are doing or what you think you should be doing. Enjoy your baby

if we stop the routine and leave the room

This jumped out at me too. Stop overstimulating your baby just as you’ve fed him and got him all sleepy. He’s telling you he’s tired. Leave him to settle.

But you’ll find many posters are saying the same thing as me.. let him go to sleep on the boob etc. I’m not trying to be unkind but what you’re doing just sounds so unnecessarily stressful for everyone!

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@LaContessaDiPlump - the screaming starts during the wind-down routine of lullaby/book, not when we actually put him in the cot (although if he's screaming at that point he will continue to scream and I always try to calm rather than leave).

You might be on to something though in that trying to make it as relaxing as possible for him, I'm actually just over-stimulating and overtiring him

Honestly OP do whatever works. Let baby guide you regarding sleep as it changes constantly. I still feed to sleep at 17 months and my DS happily goes to my relatives/nursery 7.30-6 and naps fine with them. I know it's so hard and we spend so much time worrying if we are doing the right thing but every baby is different. I think you just have to see what works for your baby and make it up as you go along.

@MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig see my last post...I think you might be onto something there

Yeah, I wouldn't bother with lullaby/book at this age. Feed them and shove them in a cot, then escape for reference, DS2 is now 6yo and an avid reader despite our benign neglect!!

@MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig @LaContessaDiPlump to clarify, when I say "we leave the room", I mean baby and I. He calms down when we give up, not when I just leave him in the cot.

I still think you might be onto something though and will try to just have a quiet sit and put him down. Really was trying to avoid sleep to feed.

My DS is also 18 weeks. He doesn't go to sleep in his cot until I go to bed - about 10pm. He'll have a couple of naps between his bath and 10pm, but either in the pram or on me/my husband. I stopped fighting it - there was no point getting worked up about it, and much more enjoyable to relax. I have a sling, which he'll happily sleep in.

I did the easy routine (purely by accident) for about 5 days - he fell into it. And then fell out of it again (just when I thought we'd got ourselves a routine!) and I'm just going with the flow. I go for masses of walks, he only sleeps in his cot at night (and actually spends much of the night cosleeping) and he's pretty chilled.

Try a sling, if you want to have your arms free, or just enjoy the cuddles. You are never ever going to look back on this time and regret cuddling your baby.

Why avoid feed to sleep? I imagine the majority of babies across the planet get fed to sleep and they mostly turn out ok!

@LaContessaDiPlump I'm struggling to remember why I've been so strongly against it! After reading all the advice above it seems to be the easiest thing to do. Did it tonight, he was out like a light.

Why are you not feeding to sleep that just insane at this age.
Need to go with the flow, they can sense when you are trying to impose something and are tense. Routine sounds way too much, things change all the time just do what works not what a book says.

I (formula, so slightly different) fed both of mine to sleep until they weaned off milk. Then they were ready to lie down themselves and go to sleep with me sitting with them. Never bothered with a routine with either, just followed their lead.

Both went to a childcare setting at nine months old. Both napped there when put down with no problems. Honestly your child will be totally different with the nursery setting staff, so don't worry about trying to get him into a routine just for them.

Feed to sleep!

If you have a breast fed baby, breastfeeding is the answer to most of your babies problems.

I fed my DS to sleep almost every night for 16 months. DP gave the odd bottle of EBM so I could go out once a month after six months. DS slept through from 11 months. All that bad habits and rod for your own back stuff.. in the nicest possible way; is a complete pile of shite.

Raydan Hooray!!! Jolly good - babies who sleep are happy babies, and they have much happier parents too

Your friends routines are most likely not as snazzy as they say.
It's not cruel not to have a routine, it's silly and futile to try and push a routine on a baby that doesn't want it. Watch baby's sleep cues, get to know their personality. If they like routine they will fall into one. They really aren't puppies to be trained they are mini people with preferences and personalities

Aww Raydan, that’s good to hear. Fingers crossed for tomorrow night!

I'm in the garden having a gin and eating chocolates with the DH now. Thanks again for all the help x

Chuck the book and respond to what your baby is trying to tell you.
It's ok to cuddle.
It's ok to safely co sleep.
It's ok to feed to sleep.

Stop discussing routines and sleep with other parents because every child is different and at this age continuous sleep shouldn't be a goal.

I still feed my three year old to sleep and it works just fine. He stays at his grandparents and goes to sleep just fine for DH when I go out.

Did you know that at night breastmilk produces hormones that helps your baby to go to sleep? Your body is actually designed to feed babies to sleep.

Oops, cross posted.

I'm glad bedtime went well. Enjoy your gin and chocs!

@gallicgirl ha no problems, thanks!x

I tried EASY too and it didn't work. I tried some other books. My lesson; done babies magically fit the books. Mine were much easier to get into a routine when I started weaning, but they are all different. And you can train babies out of most things later. BF DD to sleep until she was over two (far too late, but there were extenuating circumstances), had a hellish couple of months trying to get her to sleep without, but it got better.

I’ve just come back to this thread and I’m absolutely bloody delighted you’re in the garden with chocolate and gin!

I could tell you lots of things about how we did it, and what worked for us, but will try and keep it short.

DS is lactose intolerant and was undiagnosed for the first 4 months of his life. He screamed, screamed, screamed and screamed some more. Some days I thought fuck this I’m off. Some days I had to put him down screaming in the Moses basket and go and have a cry in the kitchen. I literally got to the point where I thought I couldn’t be this baby’s mum because I didn’t know how to look after him. I thought I was the worst mum in the entire world and I had somehow done something that was so terrible that my baby should probably be looked after by someone else.

THANK GOD the health visitor arrived during one of these episodes, promptly took DS, said it wasn’t normal to cry and scream like that, drove us to the emergency GP appointment she had made and had DS fully checked out. I had been to the GP 8 times before this because I knew something was wrong but nobody would believe me. He was a different baby as soon as he was on the right milk.

This has now gone very off topic but I know how hard it is to have a baby who isn’t very well and I wanted to say (in the most long winded way possible) you are doing an AMAZING job and you are a fantastic mummy.

Listen to your gut instincts. Around your baby, they’re usually right. My son only naps in his pram and takes a long time to settle at night, but sometimes we co-sleep, sometimes we nap together, sometimes I time it so we’re out for a drive when he’s in need of a nap.

Babies don’t need routines, or books, or “what everyone else is doing”. They need their mummy (and daddy!), to meet their needs. How you do that and what works is entirely up to your family. I hope you enjoy your chocs and your gin, you sound like a fab mummy

Wahay to the gin and chocolates!