Newborn only sleeps if held

[lauraSW]

My baby is 10 days old & just will not settle for more than 15-30 mins of placed in her carrycot or bedside crib no matter how deeply asleep when placed down. She'll sleep 2-3 hour stints on us.
I'm really not comfortable with the idea of cosleeping and on the one occasion i cracked and put her in our bed I didn't sleep a wink & she didn't sleep much longer anyway.
We've tried swaddling, a muslin with my scent, warming her mattress/grosnug, Ewan the sheep & even the Babymoov cushion (daytime supervised only) and still no progress.
It tough as we're taking it in shifts to hold her/sleep and can't sustain that once hubby is back at work. I don't feel safe holding her when I'm almost nodding off!
If anyone could suggest anything else we should try or tell me how they dealt with similar I'd really appreciate it
I'm spending my days in a daze fretting about hubby going back to work as I couldn't cope without him at present and I'm not getting anything done as my arms are constantly full.
It's also making me consider stopping breastfeeding so family will be able to help out. She's too young for a feed pattern to have established and so asking people to come over for a few hours won't help mid cluster feed!
It's really starting to get me down, I feel anxious and my heart starts racing if i hear her start crying when hubby has her for me to nap.
Any advice appreciated x

This is entirely normal I’m afraid! At ten days old, of course they want to be with you.

Try the Sleepyhead, many find it useful for that reason.

Google safe cosleeping and do that, that's not the same as nodding off holding her and will get you both some sleep. Typing this with my 4 month old asleep beside me where he has slept since day 1, my first son slept in a cradle until 4 months and it meant hours of getting him to sleep and constant resettling.

Oh and Google fourth trimester.

Yep, entirely normal, sorry.
Google the 4th trimester - this is where you are at the moment.
Currently your job is to sit and feed little one and recover. Forget about trying to do stuff around the house.
Family/visitors should be doing that for you and cuddling baby if needed before passing back to you for feeding.

It will pass. She's establishing your milk supply, so the first few weeks are about filling her teeny tummy lots and getting her used to life outside the womb.

Oh poor you, I remember those days so well. It's awful. I was totally against co-sleeping but following safe co-sleeping advice was the only way I got any sleep at all at that age. Good luck

Thanks all, to clarify, even in our bed she woke after 25-30mins so I don't feel cosleeping is the answer & with the bedside crib I'm right next to her but more relaxed she's in a safe space.
I mean she literally doesn't sleep longer than 30 mins unless laying on one of us/in our arms and the safety side of that when sleep deprived really worries me, any tips on settling similar little ones/gradually helping them settle off you would be hugely appreciated.

I've been there OP and I was also not comfortable cosleeping nor did it improve his sleep. We had a moses basket and DS would not lay flat in it. At all. Tried everything you suggested. We then tried a baby box. Same issue. I just cannot co sleep even now as I dont sleep at all which just means I struggle through the day.

Anyway, turning point was a sleepyhead. I know people worry about these but I cracked and brought one. It didnt work overnight, it still took persistence. But after a week maybe he would be lifted into it. We brought a next to me cot so I could breast feed through the cluster feeds and easily plonk him back.

That said he will not sleep in it in the day. Hes 5.5months old now and naps on me. Its a pain but I have tried EVERYTHING multiple times.

Goodluck OP.

This is normal. I had this with DS, and also didn't feel happy co-sleeping. However, in the end I did have to do it for a couple of nights just to get some sleep.

Just persist in transferring her into her crib as gently as possible once she falls asleep, and it will slowly get easier. She's only 10 days old. I found putting DS in a grobag/sleeping bag worked the best because it required the least disturbance.

I found that putting her down before she was totally zonked would buy me more time. So, she would be really drowsy when I put her in the sleepyhead thingy but not fully asleep.
White noise is also very helpful with keeping them asleep.
Do you feed to sleep? There's zero problem with doing that but my baby would wake up after half an hour because she needed to pee. If you rock to sleep after a nappy change, you might get more time with the use of your arms.

It’s difficult isn’t it - my twins were in nicu, one for two months, and in the whole time I was there I didn’t see a single baby who needed to be held all the time. They adapted to the fact that they couldn’t be held all the time, especially those in incubators like my little one who rarely got held at all until he was over a month old. There wasn’t a lot of crying, even in the nursery part with the less poorly babies. I’m not saying that this is good for the babies at all, it still breaks my heart that my boys must have wanted to be held far more than they were, and actually it’s only after they turned 1 that they even showed they liked being held. I still can’t settle them in our bed even if I wanted to, and it’s only now at 18 months that they want cuddles for any proper length of time more than a quick squeeze.

Then again, the nurses somehow got them on a 3 or 4 hourly feeding schedule and once they got home they demanded food whenever so who knows what witchcraft they employ!

I know it must be so hard but they’re small for such a short time, try and enjoy all the cuddles while you can. We had to sleep in shifts when the twins were small, that may be an option for you until this improves

Been there done that, it's totally normal OP, expecting it again with this one (due any day hence the hour of posting)

I never managed co-sleeping, my DH and I took it in shifts, he works the evenings and can't sleep in the day so I slept through the morning as best I could, still got 2 or 3 wake ups but could get a reasonable 6 hours that way. Binge watching Netflix got me through the nights and at about 6 weeks I started trying to establish myself sleeping at night again.

If you can handle it give baby to anyone that comes to visit, and sleep or have a bath screw everything else, I was very clingy with my DD and made a lot of hard work for myself in those first few weeks because I hated not holding her. Didn't help that when not feeding or asleep she screamed with silent reflux... my DM was about the only person other than DH I could handle giving her to for any period of time.

My DS is still like that at 5 months. I've no idea how to change it.

This is entirely normal and you are not doing anything wrong.

Obviously you are now half-insane from sleep deprivation. This is also normal.

At 10/11 days old there is no such thing as a right or wrong way to do things. Your baby hasn't read any of the baby textbooks and will not conform to any expectations. She needs what she needs.

As she gets older, she will start to sleep for longer. That happens with a different timescale for each baby.

We do understand that you mean she'll only sleep for 30 mins at a time (an repeat). This is just how it is unfortunately. Not for everyone of course, but mostly this is how it is. I recall nearly being pushed into pnd with my youngest when I was having hallucinations from tiredness. I'm pregnant again and this time I'm going to have 1 child at school and 2 at home (a newborn and 2 year old) and am terrified.

I can't cosleep either. I've had 2 children and always found the advice on here is to cosleep and found it quite upsetting (for lack of a better word) when that's the main thing suggested. For me I sleep less when trying to cosleep. I just have the fear of God in me. I have tried many times and it doesn't work so I get that.

My tips. Sleep when she sleeps. Every single time. You can't do this when it's not your first - make the most of it. Don't do chores and don't cook - that is DHs job when he is home from work. As soon as she's old enough put her in the sling for naps (if things aren't better). Look up sleep and awake periods - i think at this age they only need something like 30 mins awake between naps and any longer than this and they'll become overtired and struggle to sleep (this is what happened to us). Find a good way of getting her to sleep in the day (trying everything) - at this age I used to walk around holding her in my arms and just walking around shhing. Eat high energy foods - eggs, bananas, porridge etc. Mainly cling onto the fact that this will pass.

One question. Is she hungry do you think? Does she have lots of wet nappies and gaining weight? I struggled to breastfeed both of mine and when they had their worst sleep was when they were hungry. This is just my personal experience.

When it's the weekend you need to sleep and let your DH do the nights. I suggest sleeping in another room/on the sofa. It's the only way and you need respite.

I feel the same as you about cosleeping OP. I've been lucky that my baby was quite chilled out about being put down as long as she was fed. I put this down to me being forced to put her down in the cot when we were readmitted between days 4 and 7. I had to express a lot to encourage a stubborn milk supply in the first few weeks so I'd put DD in the basket while I did this, which took 40 minutes every 3 hours. I would chat to her while she lay in the basket and I think she just got used to being in there.

There is a lot to be said for not always cuddling baby to sleep then doing a transfer to the cot. Of my antenatal group there are two babies who have generally slept well all along (they're now 11 months) and it's the two who were sometimes put in their cot awake and who have never slept on the parents' chests overnight. This could be a coincidence but my hunch is that there's something in it.

DD is 6 months and still in similar position!
At that age I propped myself up with pillows to sleep half sitting up; had a BF cushion with pillows under it either side to prop me up so you can nap knowing DC won't fall (get yourself a travel neck pillow too).
This early I imagine you're feeding all day every day so try to get as comfortable as possible.
I now have a beside me crib where she'll sleep for 2 hours at a time and still up for shoogles or feeds back to sleep.
Myself and DD found it most comfy for her to sleep chest to chest but now I cradle her at a massive 17lb and 66cm!

Completely and utterly normal. At 10 days old they don’t even realise they’re seperate from you yet. You don’t fix it because there’s nothing to fix. You just roll with i.

Normal for us too. With both of mine screamed all the time and refused to sleep from 2 weeks old to 10 weeks then suddenly seemed to settle down (relatively speaking - still didn't get more than 3 hrs at a time at night for ages). I used a soft sling during the day and often dozed with them on my chest during the night.

With the first one I blamed myself and thought I was doing everything wrong. Then with the second I just went with it a bit more and tried to ride it out.

Nearly went a bit bonkers with lack of sleep myself. Mum's with babies that won't settle for weeks should get some kind of medal or support payment or something!

Mine is 10 weeks old and she was the same as most babies are. I refused to co-sleep (paramedic with some experience of attending co-sleeping accidents). I was awake most of the night and hubby slept in different room, got up early before work and took baby away from me for 2 hours between feeds then again after work. We did this for first 5ish weeks. Now baby sleeps 3-4 hours in Moses basket in our room, feeds then another 3 hours so feeling much better. Ewan the dream sheep is too quiet to really be effective. Download sound sleeper on your phone and play white noise louder than the Ewan. Not deafening but louder than Ewan. She still only settles with white noise (fan). Sleeping in shifts and separately was the only way we got through. I expect we will continue to sleep separately

Thank you for the advice everyone, she's been doing a little better in the day and will have the odd nap of up to an hour, night time is still the main issue as she seems to wake after 30 mins.
I will definitely try the white noise app. If she's wide awake she'll happily stare at Ewan but he doesn't seem to help her doze off/stay asleep.
Hubby goes back to work after Easter, he works 10 hour days with a one hour motorway commute either side of his work day. I'm very conscious that I don't want him to continue sleeping in shifts as I'll be worried sick about him driving sleep deprived. Baby is currently doing well EBF with good weight gain but we're considering we may need to change to FF next week for family support during the day time depending on how the situation evolves. We'll persevere with trying to get her down for longer in the meantime in the hope of avoiding this.

Play white noise loudly and wrap her up all snug it does work. She might not sleep for hours on end but will sleep longer than she does at the moment. I'm still doing it 7 weeks later helps with colic babies too. X

Does any one have any tips on how to get past it? Mine is nearly 6 months and I have nights I can't put him down as he'll wake and cry instantly.

This is entirely normal for some babies . It isn't anything to do with you Laura , it gets better.
It is easy to think that you have child rearing cracked if your baby feeds and sleeps well when in fact it is more to do with your baby.
Press on, do what feels easiest for you and try not to get desperate... work on surviving today and not fretting about the future.. it will happen .
What Really annoys me about these threads is how unprepared we all are for the reality of having a tiny human to care for. Most pregnant women attend some sort of antenatal class and yet they still concentrate on the pregnancy and delivery (which after all one has very little control over )and leave new families to flounder once Home. It's a massive bugbear of mine, and don't get me started on the shameful lists of 'necessities' bought through all good motives before people have even met their child , pure commercialism.

I got to the point where I was holding DD and passing out due to exhaustion, so I figured that safe cosleeping was better than keeling over and dropping or smothering her. I stripped all pillows and duvets off the bed, dressed warmly with DD in a sleeping bag, and we slept together in the middle of the mattress with my arm around her to help her feel secure. This was an absolute last resort on days when I was so tired I couldn't cope.

I'd encourage you to think twice before taking a risk with products such as sleepyhead. The Lullaby Trust says sleep positioners are unsafe and are a SIDS risk. Imo a tired parent is better than a dead baby.