Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Sleep

Join our Sleep forum for tips on creating a sleep routine for your baby or toddler. Need more advice on your childs development? Sign up to our Ages and Stages newsletter here.

Original poster

Should I let a 4 week old cry it out to settle to sleep

105 replies

crispaddict76 · 21/01/2018 22:38

Hi

My beautiful 4 week old boy is not settling for a nap in the day unless he is asleep on me or my OH. As soon as I put him down in his Moses basket or sleepyhead about 15 mins later he starts to stir and won’t settle on his own again. I’ve tried swaddling which has a mixed response. I have read and was told at antenatal that you cannot spoil a baby and that if the baby wants to cuddle then you cuddle them and meet their needs. However, we are being told by countless family members that our 4 week old can manipulate us from an early age and the words “rod for own back” have been said. So basically we are being told if we don’t leave him to cry and settle himself we will be creating all sorts of problems for ourselves and that he never will settle to sleep. I have tried to leave him to cry a few minutes and feel so guilty and he is crying real tears. Am I creating a rod for my back or should we be responding to him at this stage when he cries. And if we carry on responding to him will there be a point where he does start to self settle? Would be keen to know others views! Thank you xx

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 21/01/2018 23:55

No, do not do this.

Jenala · 21/01/2018 23:57

Responding to your babies needs actually results in more confident, secure children later on. The world is less scary when your baby knows mum and dad are always nearby when needed.

Your family is talking utter shit.

Another way of thinking about it - do what feels right. If treating your baby a certain way makes you feel sad or guilty, it's a sure sign that you shouldn't be treating your baby that way. Fuck everyone else. Cuddling a tiny baby that has only been in the world a few short weeks is never going to damage it. People talk such stupidity.

My 7 month old is quite happy to be put down now after spending his first few months either held, in the sling or cuddled in my bed.

MinnieMousse · 21/01/2018 23:59

Tell them "Cry it Out" is not recommended until baby is at least 6 months (and then only if you are comfortable doing it).

If there was nobody around when I needed a shower when my DC were babies, I put them in the bouncy chair in the bathroom. Sometimes they did cry but at least I could reassure them and be as quick as possible in the shower! As a bonus, sometimes the sound of the shower helped them go to sleep :).

Jenala · 21/01/2018 23:59

Sorry cross posted.

Aargh of course he stops crying. He stops crying because he feels safe in your arms!! He can't manipulate he honestly doesn't have the brain development to do that. They are so, so wrong. If you left him to cry and he eventually stopped it would be because he knew there was no point crying out for you. Not because he learns you won't be manipulated Hmm

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 22/01/2018 00:03

You can see now i hope that your family are being idiots.

Sorry to be rude but i do hope none of them have kids and with their attitude they would NEVER be looking after my child.

Two words spring to mind if they ever repeat any of that rubbish again.

Some people should not be around kids. 4 weeks old manipulating mummy. Heard it all now.

IGNORE along with any of their other advice, to come out with domething so crazy i seriously doubt they could offer any decent advice or tips.

eeanne · 22/01/2018 00:03

Leave a 4 week old to cry?! What?!

I’ve realized a lot of older family members can’t remember the difference between a 4 week old and a 4 month old.

A crying newborn needs something. End of story. Tend to your child’s needs and tell your relatives to read anything written about infant health and development within the past 15 years.

MountainVista · 22/01/2018 00:06

OP I think you've got the message and hope you feel supported to push back against unhelpful advice.

I just wanted to add, be careful how much you listen (or are forced to listen) to anyone who thinks your LO is manipulating you. It's hopefully easy to show that a newborn is incapable of it. But please also resist when baby is older! They don't play games, you are their everything and they love and need you.

Good luck Flowers

flutteronbynow · 22/01/2018 00:06

Never. Never. Never. No. Please do not do this. Your baby needs you to comfort him. Whatever the age, it is cruel not to.

sweetkitty · 22/01/2018 00:06

I wrote the exact same post 13 years ago Shock right down to the rod for my own back bit. Relatives telling me if a baby was fed and clean they should've left alone to cry.

I never listened DD1 slept beside me for a year (as did the other three). I wouldn't have changed it for the world. No metter what people say they won't still be in your bed at 5. It's a precious time and goes far far too fast. Don't listen to anyone else listen to yourself, do what feels right for you and what gets you the most sleep.

Original poster
crispaddict76 · 22/01/2018 00:12

Thanks so much everyone. I will continue to cuddle him (create a rod for my own back!) until this phase passes and think I’m going to start banning family from visiting until he is 18!!! xxx

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 22/01/2018 00:12

Tell them to fuck off mind their own business.

If you want sensible sleep advice now or later, I like this website/blog:
www.babysleepscience.com/resource-blog

NameChange30 · 22/01/2018 00:13

Cross post! Excellent plan Wink

mehhh · 22/01/2018 00:14

Definitely comfort him

I think some babies are probably needier than others, I had people saying this to me as well, I literally just ignored them and cuddled, whenever she needed me or wanted a cuddle I gave it her... my dd used to sleep on my chest all evening and I just let her lay there she loved it!! (And I miss it now), she's now 6 months old and settles her self all the time in her sleepyhead I haven't done any sort of crying it out at all, once she is tired I put her in her sleepyhead with some white noise and a dummy and she goes off herself

But definitely cuddle whilst still so small! X

wenchystrumpet · 22/01/2018 00:23

YES you need to look after your own mental health too. It's not cruel to let him settle in a cot if you are struggling and desperate.

wenchystrumpet · 22/01/2018 00:26

perhaps you aren't desperate, but then again perhaps you are. Four weeks of no sleep can push women over the edge.

wenchystrumpet · 22/01/2018 00:27

of course ignore your family if they are giving you advice you disagree with.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/01/2018 00:29

All the people I know who insisted on CIO and leaving their babies have worse sleepers now. Anecdotal nonsense possibly.

Glittabug · 22/01/2018 00:35

From birth my DD would not sleep unless she was on my or DPs chest. Consequently I slept sitting upright with her on my chest for about 4months. Personally I couldn’t leave her to “cry it out”.

If you are not sleeping while he naps, put him in a sling.

AssassinatedBeauty · 22/01/2018 00:58

If you have a DP, can they have the baby for 10 minutes in the morning (work shifts allowing?) so you can shower?

Also, if you're breastfeeding, you could make sure your bed is safe for co-sleeping and have a go at feeding lying down. Then you can nap whilst your baby is sleeping.

NotAQueef · 22/01/2018 10:37

I second the advice re a sling. If you need to get on and do stuff (rather than sleep ) then sticking him in a sling (a nice stretchy wrap at this age would be perfect) means he is close to you and you have your hands free

justforthisthread101 · 22/01/2018 11:04

Well done you. Right decision.

Although I will say, and probably get slated on here, that a shower was pretty key to my mental well-being so DD2 used to roar for 5 mins while I jumped in and out and threw some clothes on. She was in her bouncer in the bathroom with me but I did do it. I couldn’t cope with her, and her 16 month old sister, without it. But cry it out? No. It was ‘Mummy as a dummy’ for the first six months in our house and that suited us just fine.

LittleJack18 · 22/01/2018 14:02

Their little tiny brain isn’t capable of ‘manipulating’ you. I hate it when people use that word to describe your baby just crying because he/she needs you! It’s their only way on communicating with you!

They will learn to self settle when ready. My DS napped on me till he was about 4 months. He now self settles without me doing any sleep training.

AC14MUZ · 22/01/2018 14:06

My DS would only ever nap on me, the second I put him down he would wake and cry, this was pretty much from birth. Everyone would say not to let him nap on me and let him cry it out. I didn't listen to them, I let him sleep on me however much he wanted. He is 13 months now and crawling around like crazy, won't sit still on my lap for a minute, wants to be off exploring so I'm so glad I had all my cuddle time and didn't try to limit it! Good luck OP cuddle your baby as much as you can, they will soon grow out of this phase!

Hippydippydoo · 22/01/2018 14:11

I held my dd for every single nap until she was 5 months old. At that point she was more willing to be out down in her cot, and has gradually got better at napping in her cot.

You won't create a rod for your own back, you will create a very secure baby who knows he is comforted and loved.

Your families comments are ridiculous, a 4 week old can barely see a few centimeters in front of them, let alone understand and master the art of manipulation.

AutumnalTed · 22/01/2018 14:18

I fed my baby to sleep and cuddled him when he cried, every time. Even if he just grumbled I’d give him cuddles and offer him milk. He’s now 16 weeks so not that much older and cries unless I put him down in bed when he’s tired and walk away. Sometimes he just wants to be left alone. So not really a rod for my own back.