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Original poster

Controlled crying - moving from attachment parenting to abandonment parenting?

445 replies

tinkerbellhadpiles · 03/04/2007 17:16

I know this is going to get a few people annoyed so I've put my special teflon knickers and fireproof boots on first. This is a genuine question:
I don't get controlled crying. I've spent a long time thinking about this (mostly at 2am when my DD wakes up hungry). If you put yourself in the place of the child, is this not a movement from attachment parenting to abandonment parenting
You spend all day lavishing attention on your child, when the little one cries you comfort him or her, sacrificing your time to do anything else in favour of looking after her.
Then seven a clock rolls round and you suddenly start ignoring her, until she learns that you just abandon her at nights and gives up and goes to sleep through exaustion or frustration.
To my mind controlled crying is an oxymoron, a child cries because they are out of control, frustrated, hungry or frightened. And if you are sitting there on the stairs sobbing because you can hear her (as a lot of my friends do) then you aren't in control either. Is it just a battle of wills or is there a genuine bit of science in here?
Seriously, will someone PLEASE explain how this actually works?
Incidentally, I don't have a much better solution, my DD (five months) sleeps 7-2:30, has a feed and sleeps till about 6ish. We just deal with it now and honestly I don't mind now I'm used to it. She did wake up every hour for a month when she got to three and a half months and I was fairly psychotic after a week of it and did pick up, put down and that worked to get to the above situation.

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FloatingInChocolateFondue · 04/04/2007 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flamesparrow · 04/04/2007 08:58

Believe me Trinity - I tried as many of the other methods that I could find, but they all involve some form of a parent being in the same room, and with DS parent = scream until cuddles happen. PU/PD was useless as he sussed that crying got him picked up (it didn't matter if he got put down again). CC was a last resort, and it worked (or it did til he got ill this week).

I have been soo much happier with a bit more sleep, he is gaining weight faster than he has in months, we are both happy.

loadsanappies · 04/04/2007 08:59

Morning..
You know, the interesting thing about all of this is that it probably doesn't matter. I'm pretty old and as a result most of my mates have children that are now approaching secondary school age. All these friends had different ways of parenting - from ap to she-who-cannot-be-named and everything else in between. The thing they had in common was that all the children are loved unconditionally and in abundance. To a boy or girl, they are all happy, well adjusted people. So, I don't worry too much, follow my instincts and say "each to their own"!

TrinityRhino · 04/04/2007 09:01

I would like to ammend my last post
from:
I don't think we should have to suffer years wihtout sleep but I seriously disagree with controlled crying and I know that others way will work for everyone

to:
I don't think we should have to suffer years wihtout sleep but I seriously disagree with controlled crying.

I don't want to argue with anyone...I like you flame

loadsanappies · 04/04/2007 09:03

But I massively agree with you, dejags!

cruisemum1 · 04/04/2007 09:03

am so interested in this thread as i seriously cobntemplate doing this with ds who at just 7 mths wakes anywhere between 2 and 5 times a nite and only settles on boob. am shattered today as a result of hourly wakins from 3am . something has to give and he sure as eggs isd eggs ain't gonna stop of hios own accord (though i live in naive hope). just scared that it willnot work with him as he gets incredibly worked up.

oranges · 04/04/2007 09:05

DS was a dreadful sleeper, and was not putting on weight properly. I thought I couldn't do cc till I fell asleep once and slept through ds's crying (neighbours said they heard him through the wall,crying solid for an hour but I was dead to the world).
From that point on, he slept like a dream. That one night's abandonment saved my career, my relationship and he even started eating more and gaining weight through the proper sleep times.

Flamesparrow · 04/04/2007 09:08

lol Trinity - squabblin over CC, breast n bottle, and even cloth vs disposables doesn't tend to affect me liking people

I used PU/PD on DD and it worked perfectly

Flamesparrow · 04/04/2007 09:10

Oranges - I stayed at my mum's for 2 nights, DH was left in charge and did a mixutre of sleeping through and leaving DS... and he got sleep.

dejags · 04/04/2007 09:15

why get so hung up on the controlled crying aspect of teaching your child to settle themselves.

There are so many ways to do it - do what you are comfortable with.

Personally I cannot see the harm in putting the baby down in their cot and then returning at frequent intervals (for reassurance) until they learn to drop off.

Here is what I did:

DS2 in particular was a crappy sleeper. At 8 months I had had enough of getting up, some nights up to 12 times a night.

First off we had him checked for any medical problems - turns out he had hidden gastric relux. So we get this treated. This helps, but his sleeping patterns are up the shitter so I am then faced with having to "teach him".

Night one. Put DS in his cot - he goes to sleep without crying (as usual). Two hours later he wakes crying. I go in tuck him in, whisper that I love him. He calms down, I go out. He whimpers for a few minutes then goes back to sleep. He wakes six times during the night, each time I repeat the above. I do not take him out of the cot, I do not offer a feed, I do not make a fuss.

After three nights he sleeps through and has done ever since (sickness aside). I would challenge anybody to point out what is wrong with this.

cruisemum1 · 04/04/2007 09:26

dejags- you mean he didn't cry when you went in?! my ds would go ape!!!

cruisemum1 · 04/04/2007 09:26

and how old was he? is 7mths too young iyo?

kittypants · 04/04/2007 09:27

any tips for 15 month old who goes sleep with bottle in mouth and wakes all night?

TrinityRhino · 04/04/2007 09:29

cruisemum, ny dd2 also goes apeshit when we go in or she did right up till a month or so ago. she now no longer does it, no ideawhy, haven't done anything. she is 2 in 6 days

oranges · 04/04/2007 09:31

lol flamesparrow. My dh is a bigger softie than I am and the only reason ds was left to cry that night is because he was away on a work trip. He was horrified that ds had been left to cry, but soon saw the value of a good night's sleep.

ScottishThistle · 04/04/2007 09:35

Tinker, your Baby is 5mths old...I look forward to hearing whether you're still getting up in the night 6mths down the line & still don't agree with CC, it's really not that bad!...A tired emotional Mother is 10x worse!

I worked in a house with 5 floors, by the time I got up the stairs to baby's bedroom he had been crying for 3-5 minutes in any case as you do with CC.

dejags · 04/04/2007 09:45

He was always good at going down. Purely because I got him used to settling himself at an early age - when they are tiny, it's a lot easier and doesn't involve any tears.

Having said that, I wouldn't have had any qualms about putting him in his cot crying and returning to him at frequent intervals. I do not think of this as abandonment I think of it as help - babies need their sleep.

I really wouldn't like to say if a certain age is the right time to do sleep training. Each child is different - I have always instinctively known when to do it (usually a combo of me being at the end of my tether and some sign from the baby).

cruisemum1 · 04/04/2007 10:13

thx.

Gee72 · 04/04/2007 11:07

So our 5.5month DS (who settles himself just fine at night, has dreamfeed, then through till 7am) won't nap easily during the day.

If he's crying in the pram for 10 minutes while one of us stands and rocks it until he settles, he can't see us and likely can't hear us sshhhing over his cries.

If we put him in the pram and don't rock him he cries for 10 minutes then falls aleep.

What is the difference? Guilt?

3easterbunniesandnomore · 04/04/2007 11:36

dejags...tht may worked with yours...it doesn't mean it is the same for everyone though!
ES, the one we happily co-slept with for 3 years with no probs...well...he just would not settle unless inbetween dh and I from the first night he was home...gosh, believe me I originally tried, as I was under the impression that bedsharing is dangerous...but everytime I put him down in his basket he woke up and would not settle, even cuddled on my arm, until he hit our magic mattress....but m/w said that is quite common and it's fine and adviced on some literature..."3 in a bed" etc....so...co-sleeping worked fabulous for us...and he slept through at a really young age Only in our bed, rather then in his room.... he transferred aged 3 1/2 (y)in his own room so easily!

And Trinity, you care to share your magic tricks that work for everyone...because believe me, I am pretty sure I tried about everything with ds2 when we started having probs....and I mean...everything...but the only thing that worked in teh end was a mild cc form...

dionnelorraine · 04/04/2007 11:55

Controlled crying doesnt work for everyone. We did use though when our dd was 8 months. worked within 3 nights and she has slept through since! (99%of the time) So it did work for us! However I cried my eyes out! We had a camera monitor so I could watch her every move and dh had to take charge when we did this. But Im glad we did, she sleeps so well now. She is so much happier when it comes to bed time now. I was getting desperate, I was exhausted through having sod all sleep, our dd just wasnt settling and was so stressed out. But now she is 2 and I would do it again with any future children we have.
But as I say its not for everyone and doesnt always work

3easterbunniesandnomore · 04/04/2007 11:57

dl...don't think anyone is saying that CC is gonna work for everyone...
nothing ever does, does it...hence my comment to Trinitys mention she knows there are methods that will work for all...I'd be really interested in them...

dionnelorraine · 04/04/2007 12:00

Sorry, I havnt actually read the whole thread. But I see what you mean. I was just explaining me experience with it, which was a positive one. Not wanting to get into a debate though. Much to tired for that today!

3easterbunniesandnomore · 04/04/2007 12:02

tis alright...wasn't out for a fight or anything, lol...just thought I clarify it...

Blandmum · 04/04/2007 12:03

Nothing works with every child. Because if it did, the info would spread like wild fire and everyone would use it.

And I still think this thread titlae is offensive.

An equvalent would be

'Feeding,moving from the perfect breast milk to malnourishing your child with formula'