NO SLEEP not coping!!

[Sleepless17]

Please please please offer me some advice!!

I have a 3 month old baby, EBF. The first month was pretty normal sleeplessness, waking every 2 hours as expected, sleeping in the moses basket at night and naps in pram or moses basket during the day.

By 6 weeks, we couldn't put baby down for naps - would only sleep on us. But, nights were okay and baby would sleep in moses basket so we were coping. By 8 weeks, baby would sleep 3 hours at a time for 2 or 3 sessions overnight so we were getting some sleep.

Unfortunately it's been downhill since 8.5 weeks. The majority of nights baby wakes every 45-90 minutes - not hungry, just won't settle, falls asleep the moment we pick up! Every 6-7 days we get a 3-4 hour sleep in the moses basket. The refusal to sleep unless held continues all day so we wind up holding baby for all naps but at night we just can't do it. The pram doesn't work, bouncy chair doesn't and not even the car seat - only being held. Baby sleeps for HOURS if held!!

This has been going on for well over a month now and we just aren't coping. I'm existing on under 3 hours of very broken sleep a night and am seriously losing the plot. My poor husband is trying to go to work and support me but we just can't function between holding the baby all the time and no sleep. I'm delerious with exhaustion most days, tearful every day and have shut down all outings, cancelled all time with friends, all baby groups etc because I just can't think. I've stopped driving even short distances because I don't feel safe to drive as I'm so tired. I don't even go to the shop for a pint of milk any more.

We have tried ALL the usual things - white noise, bedtime routine, swaddling, bigger cot, later bedtime, early bedtime, driving to sleep, feeding to sleep, putting baby down awake or drowsy, shush-pat, pick up put down, even allowing crying for short periods which just kills me. It's not reflux etc as baby sleeps flat on us. Seen the HV multiple times and GP. Baby is gaining weight and healthy. I'm not going to cosleep as that is an absolute no no for us.

Please help - things aren't getting better - just worse. I hear my friends babies sleeping 4-8 hours at a time and we celebrate if we get 3 hours once a week

I never said that the average person could timetogrowup. I wouldn't have been able to when mine were little, although a friend of mine used one.

But given that the demographic of MN is very diverse, OP sounds at the end of her tether and there aren't many actual helpful posts on this thread, I thought it might be something she may be able to consider.

Some people can afford them. Some not. OP hasn't given any indication of her financial situation, so I thought it more useful to make possible suggestions rather than bicker over why she won't co-sleep.

I bought a sleepyhead grande for DD2 when she was under 6 months old, she was fine in it in her cot, it wasn't too big. She used it for aaaages!

DC3 is 3 months and rapidly outgrowing the moses so will be going into the sleepyhead in the cot in the next couple of weeks.

Depending on how big your baby is, you might get away with just getting the big one straight away rather than buy one twice

I would suggest switching to formula.

waaaa - don't do that!

Damn it, I know I will get told off for not respecting the OP again, but this is so frustrating. There are ways to breastfeed at night in a way that enables everyone to get more sleep safely via cosleeping methods (either side car cots or bed sharing with necessary safety measures). Bf has proven health benefits for mum and baby and yet someone comes on and recommends switching to formula.

Scientific evidence suggests that if you do enable safe cosleeping and continue to breastfeed the health outcomes for both mother and baby will be much better than if you switch to formula. People will probably shout at me for being a breastfeeding nazi now, but these are the facts.

Switching to formula is no guarantee of better sleep. I know plenty of ff babies who woke more than my BF ones. I think you also need to be aware that people lie about how much sleep they are getting. you never really know how 'good' someone elses baby is, you can only do what works for you. I implore you OP to ignore the previous poster. Your baby is healthy and breastfeeding well, please don't give up on that.

A big hug for you OP. When we were having similar struggles with ours we tried to think of all the ways that sleeping on us was different to sleeping in the cot (e.g. temperature, angle) and then experimented with ways to try and recreate those conditions in the cot. Making the cot warmer ended up being a big help as there was quite a big temperature difference between our lounge (where I would feed) and the bedroom, so we put a hot water bottle under a blanket in the cot for 10 minutes or so before putting them in. Obviously a personal preference, but giving them formula at night really helped us too.

How does switching to formula help?

Well...ff babies are known to sleep for longer.

If someone is unable to consider cosleeping with a high needs baby like this, then switching to formula enables them to get sleep whilst someone else looks after the baby.

No evidence that ff babies sleep better.

They feed less often than BF babies in general. Though of course all babies are different.

But it doesn't sound like the baby is waking up hungry. However it sounds like the OP really needs a break, and using formula at least allows proper tag teaming/friends or relatives to help out until things improve.

Just to be clear: if OP wants to move a bit/entirely to FF then that's fine. Of course it is.

But to push it on a clearly fragile new parent as if that'll magically solve her sleep woes? Not helpful and dishonest.

Nobody "pushed it" Highlove. It was suggested.

Our baby slept through the night for the first time after spending the entire day outdoors for the first time. You could try going out, sitting in the park for ages walking around etc.
Spending the entire evening feeding relaxing with him/her on you might help as well.

If not a dummy?

Oh yes hot water bottle is a good idea.
Formula can help as someone else can do the feed whilst the OP sleeps.
Although her choice if she doesn't want to.
I did this just to get more than a few hours sleep every now and then. It really helped.

Ok I'll rephrase. To suggest to an understandably fragile new parent that it'll magically answer her sleep woes without being open that it might help, it might do nothing or it might make the situation worse. (I'm really not some crazed breastfeeding pusher or anti-formula. Both mine had formula top-ups when tiny and were/will be mix fed from 8-9 months. I do though think it's often pushed at mums in the OP's situation like its a magic bullet. It's not and might involve more work and take away the easiest way there is to settle a fractious baby. That's all.)

Whatever. I think good advice from welshweasel Give it a try but don't do anything you can't undo, and it might just give you a short-term break. Things can change very quickly when they're so little; I hope things do for you OP.

If the OP is concerned about the risks of SIDS for cosleeping (which can indeed be done safely) then I doubt doubling that (albeit small) risk of SIDS by moving to formula is going to help much.

I just reread the OP again.

No mention of a dummy? Seriously - get a dummy!

And never mind if baby rejected a dummy a while back - the tongue thrust often makes people think that. In my experience they do often accept it as they get a bit older.

Our DD didn't take a dummy until she was 4 months old. I tried pretty regularly but something just clicked.

She settled herself to sleep at night from that day on. I appreciate it might not be the answer for every baby but could be worth preserving.

Persevering*

Why are co-sleeping warriors so intense on this post? It's clearly a no-go for the OP. Would people be this rude if having a conversation in the real world?

Yes BF does have health benefits but co-sleeping is not advised as the safest sleeping method even for BF babies.

Leave the OP to make decisions about her parenting without having to 1) justify herself or 2) explain in explicit detail on a public forum why she has come to those decisions.

People can and have offered advice other than "co-sleep. I did as it's the only way I could BF long term".

OP if you've ordered a sleepyhead I do hope it gets you some respite and if you haven't tried a dummy then try again. If baby has a strong sucking reflex then it can really help.

I think there is some debate as to what people mean by 'co-sleeping'. My partner is a giant, he's a heavy sleeper and a snorer, and he likes as glass or two of good red wine at the weeknd. For that reason we were not going to be able to traditionally co-sleep in the beshargin sense. However we had a snuzpod attached ot my side of the bed, and he was in a slewepyhead in that, which helped brilliantly. Now that he is nearly a year we use a montesorri floor method and if he gets upset in th enight I just leave my bed and pop into DS's for a feed. I can sleep while he bfs liying down and it settles him to sleep. I could not have coped without this solution for us, but I still don't think of it as us all co-sleeping, if that makes sense?

I can understand why people are interrogating, as it is SUCH an obvious solution to this problem and it may be that there is an easy solution which also addresses whatever the OP's worries are.

If despite all of that the OP is still resolutely anti- co-sleeping, then I think the solution is going to involve a lot of patience, but it's not impossible. At 3 months, the baby is very close to the 4 month-ish transition towards adult sleeping patterns, and everything changes at this point anyway. If BFing is well established, then it wouldn't harm to give the baby a dummy to help with comfort (although be prepared for the problem becoming the reinsertion of said dummy multiple times a night! STILL- if it GETS THE BABY TO SLEEP in the first place, and not lying on mum, the you can presumably deal with that?

I really feel for you OP. You sound quite shattered and I sympathise. If nothing else, can I reassure you that it DOES pass. And then it gets bad again, and then better again, and you do get through it

breastfeeding has more than health benefits

unicef has different views on cosleeping than the nhs

cosleeping does not necessarily mean bed sharing

Why are co-sleeping warriors so intense on this post?

On MN co sleeping is pretty much the answer to all of life's problems.

Sleeping is pretty much the answer to most of life's problems. People are trying to help OP achieve that