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Original poster

please help - can i safely cosleep?

36 replies

crispiecrunchie · 05/03/2016 02:57

Ds is five months and we are really struggling to get him to sleep in his cot. He will sleep for up to an hour at a time in it but this last week he's waking ten minutes after he is put in the cot

I can't go on with basically no sleep.

He will quite happily sleep on one of us or beside us in the bed. However this mea s basically each of us spending half the night awake on our phone or watching Netflix.

I am really afraid to fall asleep with him due to risk of sids or suffocating him. I can be a bit over anxious and the lack of sleep is making it worse.

He is ff. I wanted to breastfeed but have up after major problems on the first week. That's another story and something that I feel bad about but we are at where we are at now.I know co sleeping is only recommended for breastfed babies.

We have a side car type cot. However, it has never been used with the side down as I worry about him rolling into our bed. He us pretty mobile for 22 weeks.

I have a 2.5 dc who have isn't the best sleeper so want to avoid any solution using cc.

I am sure I would get a great nights sleep if he could sleep on me or by me. However as a ff baby at 22 weeks can do this at all safely??

OP posts:
Original poster
crispiecrunchie · 05/03/2016 02:59

Should say have spare room so can do only me in bed or could do matress on floor. Don't smoke and rarely drink.

OP posts:
outputgap · 05/03/2016 03:31

Hi,

I personally wouldn't. From this web chat (www.mumsnet.com/onlinechats/george-haycock):

Where it has been looked at, the combination of breastfeeding and non-bed sharing is the safest practice and the combination of bed sharing and not breastfeeding is the least safe.

I had two terrible sleepers, so I don't have any brilliant advice, just sympathy.

CatsCantFlyFast · 05/03/2016 03:36

Could you try a sleepyhead?

CatsCantFlyFast · 05/03/2016 03:37

I'm an advocate of safe cosleeping however in the absence of breastfeeding I'm not certain whether it can be made safe enough for you

Original poster
crispiecrunchie · 05/03/2016 03:58

I can't find anything online about the age at which bed sharing is safe. I wonder if there is any advice on this. I feel as if it would help to have an end in sight.

I''ve bed awake all night and will swap with dp soonish so I can get four hours. I'm just not sure how sustainable what we are currently doing is.

OP posts:
Original poster
crispiecrunchie · 05/03/2016 04:01

Does the sleepy head go in the bed beside me or in the cot?

OP posts:
TheClacksAreDown · 05/03/2016 04:05

In your circumstances I would provided no one smokes or drinks whilst doing it and you follow the advice re bedding etc here www.lullabytrust.org.uk/file/-----internal-documents/Fact-sheet-Bedsharing.pdf

You can't go on as you are and your child is post the peak sids risk period of 2-4 months

TheClacksAreDown · 05/03/2016 04:06

A sleepyhead can go in the cot or on the Es by have one but suspect that the 0-8 months would be small for a 5.5 month old so maybe get the bigger one

Original poster
crispiecrunchie · 05/03/2016 04:19

Thanks I will look at lullaby trust advice. We get the odd few days when it improves and that sustains us!! for exams he might do three lots of 90 mins in cot. Keep hoping its just a phase. There must br some point eg at ten months where it becomes fairly safe tobed share and ff. If I could feel it was an option down the line it would be easier. Thank goodness I have a hugely supportive dh! Frustrated as he does sleep well. Just only on us

He is 80% for length and so would probably need the bigger one. Expensive though so will research further.

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Plateofcrumbs · 05/03/2016 04:24

Realistically you are probably creating more risk to all of you trying to function every day in a sleep deprived state than if you were co-sleeping.

Are you a heavy sleeper? As far as I am aware the FF/BF risk thing is linked to the fact BFing mothers are supposed to sleep more lightly and be more subconsciously 'alert' to their babies.

It might be worth trying a sleepyhead in the side car cot, although we had to stop using a sleepyhead at 7 months because DS wanted to roll and it was disturbing his sleep. You could try a rolled-up towel under the cot bedding to create a similar effect so you could use the side car without fear of the baby ending up in you bed.

Metalhead · 05/03/2016 09:34

Hey crispie, I remember you from the conception boards! Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time with DS.

Does he fall asleep by himself if you put him in the cot, or do you put him down asleep? I ask because it sounds like it might be a problem with his transition between sleep cycles (apologies if you know this already!). DD2 suddenly started waking an hour after we put her down in the evenings because we'd always cuddled her to sleep because of her colic/reflux, and so she'd become quite dependent on being held whilst going to sleep. We started putting her down awake using the pick up put down method, and it seems to have stopped the waking. I'm not saying it's a magic solution (still doesn't work for her daytime naps, and she's admittedly been sleeping much better than your DS anyway) but might be worth a try?

Purpleboa · 05/03/2016 09:40

I always said I wouldn't co sleep. But when DD refuses to do more than a few hours in her cot, and neither of us was getting any sleep, I started to bring her in with me. She was around 7 months then so I felt it was safer than it had been when she was smaller. I fret about it a lot but it's the only way we both get some sleep! I do bf her though and definitely sleep lightly. I think having your baby next to you - whether bf or ff - does mean you sleep more lightly.

I'm terrified that I might crush her. But she's a sturdy little thing now and makes her presence very much felt! As a PP pointed out, the risks of me not sleeping and trying to function during the day are greater, I think anyway.

Oh and we have a Sleepyhead. So not making much difference I'm afraid!

Original poster
crispiecrunchie · 05/03/2016 10:16

Hello metal!! Overall, I know it will pass and its such a short time. He does have short periods of better sleeping. For example, some night I go to bed at 8 and sleep till half ten when dp puts him in cot. Sometimes he continues another hour. Then I might get a couple of hours broken sleep. Then spare room five till half seven. Other nights I go to bed at nine and get to sleep till four. It's just been a bad week with dd waking too. I think we will try the method you suggest. We've been picking him up so at least the other person and dd don't wake but for a few nights it would be worth it. The main prioritiy is safety. I think that after six months the risk of sids is extremely low. Car travel, sepsis etc are much higher risk.

I'm finding it hard to identify what the risk is. We could remove all bedding so get rid of that risk. Is it mainly that I might roll on him and suffocation? Anyone know if we could take the side down on the chicco next to me given not breast feeding? Its up now but we have the angel care monitor which I assume would go off if he rolled onto bed. He does like to roll to side or front but is extremely strong. He is almost commando crawling!!!
Purple, we had dd in with us some nights from 11 months but I still worried!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/03/2016 10:21

I co slept with DD. both of us in a double bed. Pretty much from birth. She was formula fed. (I can't bf!)
That's not to say there isn't a statistical risk. But the alternative was nobody got any sleep and my DH could well have crashed his car on the way to drop my eldest at school.
I think you have to do whatever you can to survive the early weeks and stay sane!

DrE678 · 05/03/2016 10:31

My youngest co slept in a Sleepyhead until 18 months. The bumpers prevent them falling out. DH and I would put our heads at her foot level so the duvet couldn't get near her. It worked well for us and I was also FF.

Original poster
crispiecrunchie · 05/03/2016 11:16

Thatts helpful DrE ours is a bit of a roller but sleeps on back fine in pram so wonder if that might help.

Wolfie what was you bed set up like. Having got this far I'd prefer a non co sleeping solution for next few weeks. However I am aware of the real risk of falling asleep with him surrounded by duvet and pillows (worst scenario for safety anyway) so wonder if I should change set up to at least avoid some risk if one of us does drift off.

Metal - as delighted as I am with him I definitely won't be starting a ttc#3 thread!! His elder sistr adores him. I hope yours are developing a nice relationship too!!

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Sparrowlegs248 · 05/03/2016 12:19

I CO sleep and bf. Ds has-been in with me since 7 weeks as hwe was waking every 40 minutes. Try her in the sidecar cot and sleep on your side facing her, in the recovery position. This means you won't roll. Put your duvet fromwaosrt down and wear a warm top. Then she won't tangle in it. Sleep deprivation is crap!

dinodiva · 05/03/2016 12:39

I'm cosleeping for exactly the same reasons as you - 5 month old DD is waking up really regularly and I was getting less and less sleep. Generally she falls sound asleep as soon as she's next to me! (Bloody separation anxiety)

We have a king size bed and I put dh's pillows along the edge of his side and then pop her down next to me - usually on top of the duvet with her head on the flat sheet next to me. She likes to spread eagle so I hold her hand and we get on just fine. She is big (91st centile) and not rolling yet so I feel pretty safe.

Metalhead · 05/03/2016 12:41

Haha, no chance of #3 here either crispie! I'm done! Grin DD1 is a bit meh about her little sister at the moment and gets annoyed by her crying (who can blame her...), but she does give her kiss goodnight and tells her she loves her. I'm sure things will get better once she can do more with her.

Original poster
crispiecrunchie · 06/03/2016 06:56

Hey thanks dino. He is rolling so need to be against wall or on mattress on floor. Are you ff too? Some nights its a bit better and I think I can stick it out.

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CatsCantFlyFast · 06/03/2016 07:02

Please do not put your baby next to a wall. It is not safe

Original poster
crispiecrunchie · 06/03/2016 08:23

Thanks Merkin. How do you stop baby falling out then? I thought pillows as suggested were to be avoided. It sounds like a hard mattress on the floor with no bedding at all is safest.

in any event we are going to continue as we are and and try other options to get him into the cot. If necessary I'll try attaching the chicco to bed rather than bed sharing. I don't think I can risk co sleeping just now as too anxious about it and already feel guilty/like a failure that breastfeeding didn't work out so the information on co sleeping is bringing that back.

It's just really hard being exhausted, knowing he sleeps great next to me but staying awake watching Netflix and drinking coffee several hours a night.

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QuiteLikely5 · 06/03/2016 08:31

You can buy these things which are great but not sure what they're called. Basically a tiny little rectangular thing with two raised edges, fully sized they are no bigger than a pillow so it fits perfectly in your bed. They mean your baby can't roll or go anywhere.

Fwiw I co slept with my son from birth to seven months and we were fine.

Yes there were a few anxieties about crushing but my bed was a king size and I will admit most of the time I was only half asleep but it was all worth it because me and baby were both suited to the arrangement.

Don't overthink it all, unless you are a deep sleeper, drink a lot then I believe you will be fine.

I do believe that nature intended mother and baby to sleep together anyway.

Obviously you will get others saying it's risky etc but millions of mothers co sleep very safely

Waypasttethersend · 06/03/2016 08:34

I've had 2 non sleepers but did bf (my ff baby slept) and ended up co sleeping accidentally by trying to do what you are doing which is really unsafe, it's just not sustainable!

Anyway also paranoid about SIDs as there was a case in the family.

For DD3 I bought the sleepyhead grande at around 5 months and it was like magic, thought it would be bollocks but was worth every penny she still sleeps in it at 20months and it's good for travelling.

I also got the Snuza Hero Go monitor, it attaches to their nappy so works for cosleeping. Obviously you can't just rely on a monitor but it gives a little peace of mind if you do end up with co sleeping as the only option.

It's hell I know you have my sympathies.

buntingbingo · 06/03/2016 08:37

Why does breastfeeding make it safer? My dd2 would only ever sleep with me. I kicked my husband out of the bed for a bit, she slept next to me with her cellular blanket and I only had duvet over me. I felt that it was safe. My new baby has a cocoonababy which at first I put it in the bed beside me then moved to bedside cot. But this baby is definitely not as clingy ad dd2 she just needed to be close to me (all the time and still does aged 4)