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Original poster

What am I doing wrong?

76 replies

stargirl1701 · 14/02/2013 11:22

DD, 5 months, screams every time we put her down for a nap. She used to sleep really well overnight but now spends most of that time screaming too.

Unless - she is moving, i.e. pram, sling, car

Or in our arms.

We have been trying to put her down repeatedly for 5 months now.

She has silent reflux.

What are we doing wrong?

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 14/02/2013 11:29

Nothing!

Have you tried white noise? Slightly propping up one end of the bed so she's not totally flat?

Original poster
stargirl1701 · 14/02/2013 11:30

Yes. Yes.

OP posts:
Eskino · 14/02/2013 11:33

Can't she sleep in your arms then? Sorry for being obvious but nothing's better than a peacefully sleeping baby. It won't be forever.

Original poster
stargirl1701 · 14/02/2013 11:36

It's been 5 months. I want to have a cup of tea. Eat lunch. Go to the toilet.

She cries most of the day when she is awake. All I hear is crying.

OP posts:
Original poster
stargirl1701 · 14/02/2013 11:38

This morning, I'd like a shower.

OP posts:
AllBellyandBoobs · 14/02/2013 11:50

That's tough, you have my sympathy. My dd didn't have reflux but she would not sleep without being on me for about 6 months and even now at 2 she'll nap in her cot but won't spend the whole night there. She also cried a lot but thankfully that started to improve by 4 months or so. Has the doctor prescribed something for the reflux? From what I've read on here time improves the reflux but hopefully people who have experience of it will be along soon. As for your shower, just sit her in her chair outside the shower and sing to her while you're in there. She'll still cry but it won't do her any harm. Good luck

Original poster
stargirl1701 · 14/02/2013 11:56

Yes she's got medication. I'm really struggling. I've got a friend coming over this afternoon to take her for a while. She's had a good week - the new formula & medication seemed to be working but it all fell apart last night.

She maybe slept 3 hours, us less. She just seems to hate sleep.

I've never felt so incompetent in my adult life. I feel like such a failure today.

OP posts:
soaccidentprone · 14/02/2013 11:57

I used to put ds1 in his bouncy chair and leave him in front of the washing machine and go for a shower or bath. He'd be asleep when I came back down again.

AllBellyandBoobs · 14/02/2013 12:22

You are absolutely not a failure. You got less sleep than she did because you were looking after her, how can that be failing? Lack of sleep is torturous. I have a dreadful sleeper, we had a shocker last night thanks to teething so today we've watched too much tv which i used think made me a failure. I found that once I accepted dd was a poor sleeper and realised co-sleeping made the waking easier to deal with and resulted in a little more sleep for everyone, life became that little bit easier. You've got a challenging baby, it's not your fault or hers, just do whatever makes life a bit easier safe in the knowledge it won't last forever.

Frizy · 14/02/2013 12:25

My friend's baby has reflux (8 weeks), and she bought a matress that helps baby sleep at a steeper angle (uses it in the pram as well).

It seems to be working for her.. good luck though, she will sleep eventually!

AllBellyandBoobs · 14/02/2013 12:31

Oh, and for naps I used to either go for a long walk with her in the pram with a thermal mug full of tea and my ipod on (i couldn't stop and read or have a drink because then she'd wake up), or if the weather was bad i'd pop her in the sling and put a favourite album on and dance round the kitchen. She'd be asleep within 3 songs and i could then carefully recline on the sofa. I actually now look back on it all with fondness, plus I was fitter than I've ever been! I've piled weight on again since she's had a lunchtime nap in her cot and or walks ate done at dawdling toddler pace :)

AllBellyandBoobs · 14/02/2013 12:32
  • our walks are done... blummin' phone
SharkSkinThing · 14/02/2013 12:56

In had this with DS at around 10 months - not that he ever went down brilliantly in his cot anyway, he used to sleep on me or in the car or pushchair, and I felt the same as you - I wanted to bloody get on and paint a room, or read a book or whatever. I was close to having some sort of melt-down.

Sleep specialist told me it doesn't matter where they have their day time sleep - car, pushchair, sofa, whatever, so long as they get it. DS still falls asleep in the car and I carry him in and put him on the sofa. I used to walk him in the pushchair and then wheel him in back home and collapse on the floor/sofa. He would often wake up and finish the nap on me - you just get good at making sure you can reach the remote/biscuit tin/phone.

As others say - it won't last forever. Cut yourself some slack and make it as easy as possible for you, and one day it will get better, promise. xx

KatieLily12 · 14/02/2013 19:54

You are not a failure. You know your baby well enough to know that they need to be in your arms and they know you well enough to know they're safe there.

Reflux is exhausting. Our daughter has silent reflux and it makes sleep and feeds near impossible. Ignore the pressure to have a routine and look at small solutions. Mine are currently asking my partner to help me so I can set up breakfast & possible shower first thing then a decent sling to see me through the day. I have a packed lunch.

It's horrible as you feel everyone else is fm doing so much better than you but reflux means your baby needs much more comforting than most.

I'm glad to hear your friend came to help. That's really a sanity saver.

Ignite typos..... Guess who I have in my arms!

Original poster
stargirl1701 · 14/02/2013 20:46

I ended up at the GP this afternoon. GP was very concerned about both of us Grin DD's eczema has flared up badly and is weeping so new regime for that.

I do feel under pressure. To have her sleeping in her cot. To have her sleeping through the night. To have her feeding on a schedule. To have her in bed long before 11pm. To have her napping alone during the day. Well meaning friends and relatives saying if you did all this she wouldn't be so unmanageable. Just leave her to cry. I can't imagine that. She's hysterical if I go to the toilet.

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ClimbingPenguin · 14/02/2013 20:55

eczema and silent reflux, the poor thing. The world can get screwed with those pressures, if you feel you need to justify yourself then her medical conditions are your opt outs. Some babies aren't programmed to respond to CIO to get them doing those things, let alone ones with discomfort and pain.

DS (DC2) was very clingy and it is very hard. Even at 16 months he wakes every 3hours and I feed him. He is however able to play by himself now and the 9/12 month clingy phase hit him hard and took a long time to come out of. I know that may seem like ages away but she will come out of it.

He screamed if laying flat in the buggy (fun until he was old enough to sit up), screamed when in the car seat until about a year. He has eczema also. He had that cry where they get more worked up and reach melt down which takes ages to fix. Some babies get relaxed after some crying, some don't.

Have you read up on all the different reflux meds so you know which ones to try, even well meaning GPs might not know them.

BlatantLies · 14/02/2013 20:55

No real advice other than to make sure you keep reminding yourself that it will get better. I know it doesn't feel like it but it will. I promise Grin

Original poster
stargirl1701 · 14/02/2013 21:03

GP decided to refer us to paediatrics today as she wasn't sure what to try next with the silent reflux.

I think I need to adjust my expectation. This is not what I thought it was going to be like. I keep think 'she should...' or 'babies are supposed to...' It's not helping.

I'm going to stay at my Aunt's on Sat night so I can get one night's sleep. First overnight away. Gulp.

OP posts:
ClimbingPenguin · 14/02/2013 21:08

have you read 'why love matters' (quite a sciency book about brain development) or any attachment parenting stuff?

It's a good way of seeing there are a lot of people who don't believe in the stereotypical babies should mantra.

Original poster
stargirl1701 · 14/02/2013 21:12

Yes. I have it. I read it about 3/4 years as part of my job (teacher). I had 3 children in my last class attend a nurture base part time.

OP posts:
ClimbingPenguin · 14/02/2013 21:18

well done get back in touch with that side of things.

and accept any help you can, for me it was people doing my cleaning or cooking us meals not holding the baby so I could do those things.

ClimbingPenguin · 14/02/2013 21:19

and ask for help

ClimbingPenguin · 14/02/2013 21:22

be honest with your friends, family, random mothers at playgroup about how you are feeling. Someone told me when we are depressed the only thing that matters is your support network.

Although the random mothers can't help much practically, their concern and asking after you means a lot.

Also things like going out for a 10/20 min walk every day by yourself is a good way of giving yourself a little re-set and some alone thinking time. DH had to nearly kick me out some nights but I always felt better.

I have started a gratitude/good thing diary to help refocus myself onto the positives of what happened. By the evening we have forgotten that magical moment that happened in the morning.

Changing expectations will happen, but is a process and doesn't happen just because your rational brain tells yourself to.

HelloBear · 14/02/2013 21:30

Currently got DS (dc2) asleep on me after ANOTHER failed attempt of getting him down at 'bedtime' ha ha ha!!! I'm surviving on about 3/4 hours sleep as he will just NOT go to sleep on his cot. It is so frustrating!!!!

He has excema also, this is part of the problem as he scratches like mad Sad

We also have a rubbish sleeper 2 year old, so I have definitely done something wrong!

BUT I promise it does not last forever, you will get through this and it will be a very hazy memory. You are doing a great job, please, please, please do not beat yourself up about what you think you should/shouldn't be doing wrong. You know your child best so you are the expert.

Oh also all those people who say they have wonderful sleepers...sometimes they lie!!!!

RefuseToWorry · 14/02/2013 21:45

Dear stargirl1701,

Well done for asking for help on this forum.

Well done for going to see your GP.

Well done for arranging to go to your aunt's for some sleep on Saturday night.

All of these things will help you to gain perspective in a potentially overwhelming situation.

When I had my 3rd child, who was my worst sleeper by far, I decided that I'd stop trying to be super-human and promised myself that if anyone offered me help, I'd take it.

I hope your GP helps you find a paediatrician who can really ease your little one's eczema and silent reflux, allowing you some precious time for that Brew!