What am I doing wrong?

[stargirl1701]

DD, 5 months, screams every time we put her down for a nap. She used to sleep really well overnight but now spends most of that time screaming too.

Unless - she is moving, i.e. pram, sling, car

Or in our arms.

We have been trying to put her down repeatedly for 5 months now.

She has silent reflux.

What are we doing wrong?

[mathanxiety]

Does any of this look familiar?

'It is important to note that only extensively hydrolyzed casein or amino acid-based formulas have official indication for the treatment of known allergic disorders. Partially hydrolyzed formula is not recommended for the treatment of allergy'

[Natmu]

By the way I didn't get proper advice until I saw a paediatrician at the hospital. GP's are notoriously rubbish for things like this. We've now been referred to an allergy clinic for further testing as well so push for a hospital referral.

[stargirl1701]

I haven't slept all night

I'm lying next to her cot just imagining her screaming for half an hour. Alone. She was screaming for me. And, I didn't come. No-one came.

I just feel sick, physically sick. How could anyone do this to such a young infant?

[Natmu]

Stargirl you poor thing. I totally agree with you about crying it out. It wasn't your decision though so don't beat yourself up about it. It's happened once and it won't happen again I'm sure. DD will never remember the experience. It doesn't do any good to have an exhausted frazzled mummy who's wracking herself with guilt (I speak as one who knows).

How has your day been? I hope you have managed to get some rest. Have an unmumsnetty and I hope you fare better tonight.

[stargirl1701]

Today has been good, thank you for enquiring. I've been trying a new morning routine with DD and today she napped for one and half hours!!!! Only the third time I have ever managed to get her to nap longer than 10 minutes since she was born. I've not yet got a routine sorted for the afternoon so that's something to work on.

Tonight didn't go so well. DH struggled to follow the routine and, despite me asking, didn't want any help. So, she didn't fall asleep. I resorted to an old fall back of having her on our bed and reading boom after book till she went over. I still have to lift her for a dream feed later. We'll try getting her into her cot after that.

As for our relationship, things are strained. I think I'll be a while getting over the hurt. He is the person I trusted most in the world. He's been reading the links I sent him last night but hasn't wished to discuss anything just yet.

I really felt revived by my night away. It'll be a long time before I'll feel like that trust has been rebuilt enough to go away again.

[KatieLily12]

Things sound up and down star and I'm glad there's some good in there. What routine did you try?

My DP takes ages before he gets the routine and I have to constantly remind him not to talk/ turn lights down etc. Is that the case or deliberate resistance do you think? Would you be able to get someone to babysit so you can really talk? I know DP and I find it really hard to find time to chat things through. We often resort to naptime walks at weekend as our only chance!

[stargirl1701]

We are trying the night time routine from 'the no cry sleep solution'.

Massage with her eczema creams
Pyjamas and sleeping bag on
Read 3 books
Lights out
Lullaby CD on
Feed
Sleep We hope

It worked tonight. I'm rocking her now while keeping her upright for 30 min.

I don't think he is resisting, at least I hope not! He picked up the book last night and read some of it. We discussed a sleep log from it. He sent some links regarding CC (included in his email was the statement, written by him, that CC was unsuitable for babies under 6 months).

HV phoned today. She was pretty surprised to hear that DH had done this. She said we always struck her as a parenting team.

I co-slept with DD in the spare room last night. This is the worst disagreement DH & I have ever had (7 years together).

[KatieLily12]

I love NCSS. I've got LO into a 7pm bedtime. Only problem is naps and her not needing my bed time to be 7pm too!

It sounds like he's taking interest. Is he a fixer? Men often want solutions, now, do can't quite compute that babies don't quite operate that way.

Also I found having a baby has been the most unbelievable strain on our relationship. It's hard to connect when there's a tiny wiggly evil dictator in your household ;)

[stargirl1701]

He is a fixer

We just don't see eye to eye on this. She fell asleep after the routine tonight. DH tried to put her in her cot and she screamed. So, I picked her up and rocked her back to sleep. After she fell asleep I rolled her out of my arms onto our bed. She slept there very happily for 2 hours. DH came to try to put her in the cot again. Cue screaming. She's back in my arms. Kinda asleep.

I just don't see the issue with her being in our bed. She's tiny. He's wedded to the 'rod for your own back' and 'creating a clingy toddler' mantras.

The irony is, MIL did CC from a young age with him and he was the the poster child for clingy!

[mathanxiety]

This is hard for your DH but her needs to stop what he is doing before he drives you nuts. Tell him I said so ().

He needs to back off completely if he can't accept your approach and he needs to deal with whatever burr is up his backside about crying babies, whatever it is that is really bothering him -- your attention elsewhere/the thought that he can and should be in control and that if he isn't the baby wins and he loses/blow to his pride when the baby can't be operated by him like the TV or the car.

The baby isn't a dictator playing with him as if he's a puppet, nor is the baby a new someone who will push him out and take you over forever.

You will absolutely not create a rod for anyone's back nor will you create a clingy toddler by doing what the baby needs right here and now. What you will do is sleep.

I have 5 DCs and all of them had issues with sleep, DD3 especially. They all managed to sleep through eventually and they were great as small children and have all grown and done very well with friends, school, etc. since then. Not clingy, not whiny, just normal children all bursting with energy and curiosity. I do not for one moment regret doing exactly what seemed to work with them when they were babies. When DD1 was 4 she told me she was going to move away from home when she was 18 and have her own apartment, cat, car, tv, and would be able to choose her own clothes ans wear her wellies any time she wanted.

[KatieLily12]

Apologies if the dictator comment offended. It was meant tongue in cheek.

I think there's an issue with the difference between how you view her cries. You see them as communication whereas he sees them as a problem. Would he read something like Sears Attachment Parenting? It focuses on the positive rather than training as is based on good research (if he's the type that needs to look it up).

In traditional non western cultures there often isn't a word for spoilt when it comes to children. They carry their babies, respond to their needs and view this as part of a journey. Attachment theory supports this and is essential to how we learn to be independent people.

I hate the rod for your own back nonsense. It's complete twaddle and undermining for good sensitive parenting. Do you have similar minded parent friends, perhaps with older children that might help him see he's being a little Neanderthal?

[stargirl1701]

No. I'm afraid everyone around us, regardless of age, is a Cry It Out advocate. Early weaning too But, I'm standing my ground!

I got an inkling of what the issue about the weekend is. He feels he did a good job. DD was happy and he managed without me. Therefore...you're gonna love this...I should praise him!

One minute he's telling me to stop speaking to him like he's a child in my class, the next this. Grrrrr!

[KatieLily12]

Oh Lordy

Good for you for holding your ground. Let me guess, early weaning so they sleep better eh? I've had that advice twice now and both times been pretty blunt in my replies. Why are people so obsessed by how much my baby sleeps? They don't set their clocks developmentally till 14 months so everything up till then is practice. You do it so they learn but teething etc knock it all out.

Investigate some parent groups for your sanity!

[stargirl1701]

I don't understand why people think I should ignore the guidance that's available. I just don't get it.

But, I'm seen as a bit odd I use cloth nappies, I bf, gave up then relactated (retrograde step according to MIL), we have her in our room, we are waiting till 6 months for solids, I use a sling - all a bit kooky!

[KatieLily12]

Nope, not kooky. GREAT parenting. If they get all 'its weird' or 'hippy' point out its SCIENCE. Biology and psychology supports you.

Shuts most up in my experience.

The only time I feel bad as a mother is when I'm greater with the routines and rods brigade. I have no patience for that nonsense but it does eat away at me something dreadful. I love pointing out LO has slept most of night since week 4 and sleeps right next to me as she has since was born.

You're doing great. It just seems a bit unfortunate that you're surrounded by very different parenting styles. Each to there own but sounds like you're not being left to do your thing. I'm still stunned a friend came to help your DH make a parenting change. That's unbelievably interfering. I thought in laws were bad enough!

[stargirl1701]

Indeed Not sure how to tackle that.

Thank goodness my HV is fab!

[stargirl1701]

Damn. Having a shitty afternoon. I got her to sleep on our walk this morning. Awoke as soon as we got home. Got her to sleep in the sling at lunchtime. Awoke as soon as I sat down. Won't sleep now. Screaming again.

Why does she hate sleeping? Why?

I'm crying too.

[KatieLily12]

star she's just taking her time to learn what we all know: sleep is awesome. Some babies really do just take longer.

You're doing a great job xx

[stargirl1701]

Thank you We did the routine (on my own tonight) and she feel asleep quickly. She's lying on our bed again. I'm bloody starving though - hope DH comes home soon!

Thank you

[KatieLily12]

My LO sleeps by 7 now which is amazing but she sleeps on me. We just got a pram and are practicing her sleeping in there and in the crib rather than just on me or on me in the sling. Hoping we can start having a go in the evenings.

[BecAndAlex]

Sounds tough, but you are certainly not a failure. I don't have a lot of experience of these things, but my friend had a bad time with both her children. Have they ruled out lactose intolerance?? Eczema and reflux can go hand in hand with lactose intolerance. Maybe trying a lactose free / hydrolysed formula may work??

Everything is much harder to deal with when you are tired, so take all the help you are offered. If you can sleep everything will feel less stressful. Do you have help at home? Could you and your partner / DH work on a rota, or give you weekend nights off??

It will pass, and you will look back in years to come and be proud of yourself for getting through it xx Hope it all settles down soon x

[mathanxiety]

Have you managed to make any headway towards seeing a pediatric allergist?

[stargirl1701]

We have been referred to a paediatrician by the GP. Just waiting for the appointment... I want to ask about CMPI & lactose intolerance as the reflux + eczema could be an intolerance. Just waiting...

And going mad

It's been a better day today but an awful night last night - 2 hours sleep

[Orenishii]

Stargirl i feel for you but i just wanted to say that you've had some great advice on this thread, and your instincts for your approach is ENTIRELY what your DD needs. I know it's hard, that lack of space, and i have a four month old asleep on me right now. Really do look into getting a bedside cot - we use the Gulliver from Ikea (£60). One side comes off and it's wedged between the wall and our bed. Early evenings, he's on me but I take him up at 10.30 and we go to sleep holding hands.

As for creating a rod for your own back/clingy child? Utter rubbish. Tell your DH to read the Continuum Concept. Children that know they have a secure base from which to explore, knowing they have the loving arms of their parents to return to, are much more secure creating wider independence.

Chin up love. It will not be forever. Co sleep, enjoy it, keep her close, create that bond and trust and know that she'll be in her own bed much sooner than you think...or maybe end up wanting :)

[stargirl1701]

Thanks O! I'm feeling more positive today. HV phoning tomorrow to see how things have been. I've got my afternoon mums coffee and one mum there has experience of silent reflux. Her DS had it. She's having a much easier time with her DD

Just listening to DD scream with DH for the last 20 min and trying to stay downstairs. My night off