pfb 5week old in cotbed in his own room...

[NameOfTheNick]

Am I. Bad mummy for doing this?
We have had a very grumpy baby last 2 nights where he wakes, has a feed, is still sleepy/asleep when put back down in his.crib in our room then wakes up straight away and starts crying and will not settle until he's picked up and then he closes his eyes then the whole cycle starts all over again with nobody getting Any hint of sleep.
So half hour ago I put him in his cotbed after feeding him and he's settled straight down even though he was semi awake and he's just gone straight to sleep.
Now I've had it drummed into me since being pregnant that baby needs to be in same room for first.6 months to help prevent sids, so now I'm panicking that he prefers the big cotbed in his own room to the crib in our room.

What do I do?

Hazey - I honestly don't remember where I heard this, so am prepared to be completely disproved, but I'd heard that co-sleeping was best if you bf (something to do with being more attuned to the baby). I'll happily be disproved though if I've got that wrong!

I've got a ds at 19 weeks, there's no way I could've put him in his own room, he's dc3 and I still couldn't do it, when he was newborn I really struggled sleeping with him in the room so dp used to keep him downstairs for an hour until I'd dropped off, once I'd gone to sleep it wasn't too bad, we now co sleep and he's still really noisy but it doesn't keep me awake.

Can someone explain how they know a mothers breathing is loud enough for a baby to hear? Lots of people are quiet sleepers, even my snory XP could breathe almost silently at times. Surely a non-snory person is impossible to hear?

Lots of people don't have room for a cot in the room though, doors and walls are often in the way. I have a bed and a tiny bit of space around it (I'd like to get my hands on the people that designed my house). Although it did mean that when the dc's went in the nursery from 8 weeks they were only 12 steps away.

Co-sleeping isn't a no no if you are formula feeding! It's better for breast feeders as the baby can just latch on but it's fine to co-sleep if you're ff. It's only a no no if you smoke, have a saggy mattress or have drunk alcohol and you shouldn't put the baby next to the father as they don't have the same instincts as the mother.

I have to say that I agree mostly with Monkeymoma.

OP, you are NOT a bad mother if you put him in his own room, of course not.

I have to admit that we moved DD2 into her room earlier than 6 months (13 weeks) but it was a little different as she was moving in with her big sister so I figured that hearing DD1 breathing would be the same as hearing ours. I, personally, wouldn't want to move a 5 week old.

She was often in with us after teething hit at 6 months but that's another story!

Do whatever you feel is best for you & your baby. I put DD in her Moses basket in the cot at 5 weeks after having very little sleep. She went through the night since 7 weeks. Sleep deprivation is the most evil thing. Everyone handles lack of sleep differently. I was a crying mess who could not function at all. Once I got a bit more solid sleep I was actually able to handle being a mother a bit better. Even though DD was in her room, I would still get up in the night & check on her, so never got full nights sleep, but I felt this was better than waking at every snuffle being ready to jump up & tend to her.
My advice is read all the information available but ultimately do what is best for your family.

Lexiesgirl you might be right in that BFing mothers are more attuned (I'm not sure) but its definitely not a no no if you're FFing.

"I have to admit that we moved DD2 into her room earlier than 6 months (13 weeks) but it was a little different as she was moving in with her big sister so I figured that hearing DD1 breathing would be the same as hearing ours."

I hadn't considered that! obviously fitting a cot this time will be trickier as the space where our bedroom furniture went in DS's room last time, now has DS and his bed in it this time.. I could always put the cot in the sitting room and we could take turns to sleep on the sofa.. I hadn't considered DSs breathing being an option, do people think it's the same? (just as an option)

robin - thanks, I take it back! And I really wish I could remember where I heard that...

We all have to choose which risks we tolerate and which we try to mitigate and it is your choice, but you already know that there IS a higher risk of SIDS if you put the baby in its own room. It's up to you, you can listen to the advice or ignore it. I don't really see what else anyone can say.

Exactly what Hidingintheundergrowth said.
I don't want to have to get out of bed myself so to have DD2 next to me in her basket where I can reach in makes much more sense. I know she's my last baby tho so she probably will stay in with us til he's 18

'she's'

I think the bottom line is, the advice is there for us all to read and it is based in research and statistics. There is no point in people on this thread trying to disprove it, and as others have said, it is not very responsible to make assumptions about what is more risky based on no evidence.

The best thing I read on this, is that if you choose to ignore the advice, then you need to feel very confident that you will not blame yourself in the event of a tragedy occuring. I would blame myself as I would feel that I had not taken every precaution I could have done, and therefore for me it is a no brainer to keep my beautiful girl in with me, as I did with my first. We also moved furniture out to accommodate her.

Incidentally, I read somewhere the advice is now 12 months but I can't remember where. Has anyone else read this?

oh gawd don't say that! 12 months!! (I will find a way but I don't have to like it!)

My babies were in their own beds in their own rooms from about 6 weeks as none of us had got any sleep with them in our rooms! All that snuffling, fidgeting and snoring was not conducive to good family sleep! They didn't die, we got some sleep and we weren't jumping up to comfort them seconds after they stirred which meant they learnt to self settle within a few minutes.

They are now 10, 9 and 5 and perfectly healthy. They have slept through the night since 11 weeks, all of them.

As for why people are keen to move them out early now, I think there is much less talk of SIDS, it feels more 'theoretical' than it used to. I watched Anne Diamond and others telling their stories so many times, it is imprinted on my mind.

I think there were more cot deaths in the past, then research was undertaken and the guidance came out. People followed the guidance, the number of deaths fell (according to FSID website, down by 70% since 1991), the subject has therefore became less talked about and now the guidance is getting forgotten/ignored/dismissed because people don't believe the risk anymore.

I agree PullUpaPew, because we HAVE this advice, it SEEMS less likely to happen if we don't follow it IYWKIM

someone always rolls out the "our parents/grandparents didn't have this and we're fine.." bollocks, which is bollocks, SIDS was very common in previous generations prior to all the research that has been done, My grandmother lost a daughter she would not have lost had she followed current guidelines and my mother has quite a few friends who lost children to SIDS. I am lucky enough to not know anyone who has lost a child to SIDS but that doesn't make me complacent!

I do not jump up to comfort my baby all the time. Both of mine slept through from 11/12 weeks. Both are great sleepers. Lets not start saying sleeping in their own room makes babies a better sleeper. BigusBumus I am glad all your children are healthy but it doesn't detract from the fact that a baby sleeping in their own room is a risk factor for SIDS.

it was SOOO common for women of my grandmother's generation to loose a child in infancy

Not to scare OP and definately not trolling either I promise. But, my lovely friend is in hospital with her precious 5 week old dd who stopped breathing last night. Thankfully she was in with her mummy (whos a nurse) when it happened. Also her tests have come back clear for infection etc and the dr thinks she went into spasm from reflux!? Anyway, if they weren't together then I dread to think of the outcome

i hope your friends DD recovers quickly and is home soon MamaM...

Hope your friend's baby is okay
If it helps to have a positive story, MIL found DH blue and not breathing as a baby and he's fine now, no longer has any long term complications due to it (did have childhood epilepsy which was probably connected, but that is long gone)

MaMaM - hope your friend and her baby are ok and get home soon.

I had both mine in a cot with side down pushed up against my bed for seven months. We had to move furniture out to do it. For me it made feeding easier and seemed more natural than leaving them on their own. I really don't understand how mums who complain of being completely exhausted can then say they are woken by a shuffle. I could have slept on a washing line during a hurricane during the early days. I woke to 'wanting food' noises like fist sucking etc, but apart from that I was flat out as soon as feed over.

OP. You're not a bad mum for making a decision, having weighed up the pros and cons and deciding what is best for your family. Personally, I wouldn't have put DS in his own room so little (he was in our room for six months). But it is your choice. Welcome to the joys of parenthood!

Thelobsterswife, thank you. I know that saying "my babies were fine so yours will be too" is completely wrong which is why I didnt say that. I took a gamble which to some is a terribly abhorrent thing to do. Same as I think smoking is a gamble etc etc and about many things. I took the risk to move my babies out of the room. For some sad sad people it's terrible that they die of SIDS. But the majority don't. Same as driving to my mums on a 2 hour journey with 2 week old DS and we DIDN'T CRASH!! If you acted upon every single risk factor for your baby you really wouldn't have any life left !