does your partner help with baby during the night?

[sotough]

I am wondering how often most dads of young babies help out with night feeds/settling baby during night.
I am currently on maternity leave with a four week old DD.
Me and DD sleep in a separate room so that DH has a decent uninterrupted sleep. he does the last feed of the day at 11pm; and then doesn't see us again until he gets up around 7.30/8am. Once a week he is willing to do a whole night of feeds (usually one at 2.30am and then 6am.) so i can have a break. He reckons this is more than most working blokes do, when their wives are on maternity leave. I'd be interested to know if he's right about that. I'd like him to do more but perhaps i'm being unreasonable!

Towanmummies Sun 06-Feb-11 20:34:38
my DW is fab. DS had colic from 2 weeks-8weeks and we took it in turns during the nights, sitting up with ds in a baby carrier for 4 hours until the next feed then we'd swap. she works ft (luckily nearby) and would grab some extra sleep in the spare room when ds eventually went to sleep (usually sometime after 3am).
i've had pnd recently and she's been fab, people sometimes ask us who does housework etc and tbh the answer is usually NOBODY but while DS is so tiny there's more important stuff to do! she always tells me i only have to look after myself and ds and get out and about if the weather's nice. makes me feel better about being shit at housework atm.

Very I read that twice before I realised that you are part of a same sex couple, your DW sounds lovely.

My dd is 4 now but when she was born I couldn't believe how selfish my dh was whilst I was on mat leave. As I was bfing I slept with dd in our bed and dh was in spare room from 11.00 - 7.30 am when he would get up for work.

DD was a very hungry baby so was practically feeding her for most of the night. Never saw dh (even when dh was crying) so never got any help or anything throughout the night. Was like the walking dead for the first 8 weeks when I'd had enough and dd went onto bottles so he could 'help' with feeding but he still saw it as his right (as he was going to work) to be the one to have a decent nights sleep. Couldn't even sleep through day as dd never napped. DH was always saying how tired he was!! couldn't believe it and he kept a kind of 'sleep log' where he was noting how many hours I had a lie in at the weekend - still upsets me to this day and has totally put me off having any more dc.

Feeling deprived of 50/50 parenting after reading all those.

I have 3 ds's 4,3 and 22 months. All 3 ended up being c-sections, for various unplanned reasons. I BF all of them for at least 4 days, but then moved to bottle. I fed all of them every night. DH' "tried" once but fell asleep to the point where he was snoring and could have easily dropped baby, and never offered again, and always used that excuse when asked.

The only other night he was even awake was when our newborn needed feeding and our toddler was sick.

Hmm must become a more equal household, now the bedwetting and school illnesses are bound to start.

Must remind Hubbie that being a SAHM is a full time job too!!!!

I feel lucky, too. I ff, which I didn't expect, but the benefit is that DH has chance to get involved - which he does. He almost always does the late night feed (up to 1) and if we're having a bad colicky day with 9 week DS, he'll insist on sharing all the night feeds. We sleep in separate rooms in week but I only have to call for him and he appears. He is at work 8-6, but takes DS as soon as he comes in to give me a break. Either he bathes him, plays with him, drives him around if he's screaming, and I cook etc, or we swap. He's completely domesticated and doesn't need to be told what to do. He's also very very funny and he'll always make me laugh.

DH knows that looking after a baby - his son - is as hard work as going out to a job.

Towanmummies:

people sometimes ask us who does housework etc

Really?! As though it was necessary in any relationship for one person to do all the housework, and one to sit on the sofa?!

We are an equal partnership, but I do more with 6 mo old dd who is still bf. One of us will do bath but I always do bed as it involves a part of me that can't be detached. While I'm doing that he will finish off dinner, feed and walk the dogs, chop wood, light the fire etc. Then we take it in turns to resettle her in the evening, but then I do the night wakings. But to be honest I bring her in with me and we co sleep most if the night, and sometimes I get a lie in if she is still asleep when he goes to work.

He'll get up and do nappies if he is awake,and if she wakes early at the weekend we split lie ins.

There is plenty a dh can do that doesn't involve the baby.

Funny one this in our household, DP was more than happy to help at night even though I bf (I would express during the day to have a feed for night wake so DP could do if he wanted). We had a general rule that i would do two thirds whilst on mat leave and then we would do one day each at weekend, when I went back to work we did a week each as then at least we were both well rested for a week at a time (in theory). Of course there always had to be flexibility if one of us had an important day at work or a particularly early start.

I found though, that I couldn't sleep if DS was stirring even if DP was happy to do the feed so would end up taking over... tbh I think he would get quite upset about that as he wanted to do more!

Although I am happy to admit I am a massive control freak I do think it was me more than DP who was the problem during this early night waking stage.

Ah, well, I don't think there is a right answer, it is just whatever feels comfortable for you, but, if you do want more help, then I would suggest asking and if you don't get it, kick up a fuss.

I always found that lack of dinner when he arrived from work, because I was too busy with DS, prompted DP to get the message quite nicely!

DP still pretty hands on and DS 2 next week, so think I am one of the lucky ones...

I'm the one with boobs so DH didn't do much when the babies were little. When I decided to stop BFing at night (at about 9months) he was the one who re-settled them until they got used to not being fed at night.

Now, with school aged children, we take it turns in an ad hoc way if they are ill or need the toilet.

Because I am the one with boobs we only have two children - I didn't want to do that nighttime thing again!

I did every single feed. Hubby worked with heavy plant and have farm to manage.

Both boys slept in their own room (worked very well) They woke up on time, I jumped out of bed (even after c-sections) fed them, back in bed and so on.

Even so, I'm still annoyed that hubby never did the 10.30pm feed when I was feeling so tired and ill. Completely selfish!

My DH is a very heavy sleeper but he was somehow programmed not to wake if the baby cried, but to wake up instantly if I did - which did happen though, not that often!! As someone else said, it was ok and made sense for me to wake up, grab the baby and breastfeed, but it was something else to change nappies and settle an unwilling baby 3 times a night; it helps to feel there is someone else there who can & will share those things, regardless of how busy they are the next day...

My dh always gave DD at 11 pm, he didn't see her otherwise during the week as he works long hours. I did the middle of the night feed but luckily she dropped that at 8 weeks old. Hope DD2 will be the same.

He always gave DD a bottle at 11 pm, I mean!

I do all nightfeeds as BF, DS is 4.5 months, I've not had a night's sleep since he was born, he's a greedy begger. I do all the cleaning, washing & shopping, DH does probably half of the cooking although I make his lunch to take to work. Gutted now I've read this thread.... he's making a mug of me! I'm going to have him read this the minute he gets home. No wonder I'm so tired I can barely speak :o

am reminded of my dad who came to visit us when ds1 was born, and listened to dh say how happy he was to get paternity leave. dad looked amazed and said in a nasty way that in his day there was no way a new dad would would be hanging round a his wife and new baby, why on earth would he bother? dh just stared....

to me it depends on your situation- dh works 16 hours a day and is permanently tired, so I never expect him to get up- and he can't bf anyway! he does get up sometimes but really i wopuld rather he got up with the early risers - I have been up at 6 for over 4 years without a break. am EXHAUSTED.

my other half is useless! he barely did anything in the first few weeks and made such a fuss doing night feeds he would keep me awake anyway so no point! he does nothing around the house now ( lo is nearly 5 months) and hasnt fed little one for months! he only does nappies if i really ask him to but again makes such a fuss its more hassle than its worth, he comes home from work, has a shower and plonks himself on the sofa with a cup of tea and spends the whole night playing with his i phone totaly ignoring me and baby, so frustrating! his days off are awful, he stays in bed until 11 and sleeps through anything and then proceeds to make a complete mess around the house and not pick up after himself and then buggers off back to work the next day! grrr its like having two kids! rant over!

jesus alfiesmummy does he actually realise he has a wife and child? not wanting to stir it up but what do you get out of a relationship like that?

God, alfiesmummy your partner sounds really lazy and inconsiderate. And that's an understatement. Don't let him get away with it - stand up for yourself!

I think I'd go crazy if DH didn't help me at night, during the day, whenever needed really. When DS was newborn we had real issues with BF so in the night I expressed and DH tube fed. Once the BF was sorted DH always did the bedtime feed of EBM, and if I needed him in the night to help settle DS he did. Once DH went back to work he carried on. Now (thankfully!) DS usually sleeps through. But if he wakes up, then usually I'll get up and BF him. If that doesn't work, I'll usually hand him over to DH.
DH is better than me at surviving with no sleep, though like a lot of people on here, he sleeps fairly deeply and I wake if DS wakes so I don't think it's ever happened that I've slept through a whole night when DS has got up to deal with DS. At best I wake up and prod DH in the ribs!

I know I'm very lucky that DH is such a hands on dad, does lots with DS at the weekend too so I can have time on my own (but also because he feels he misses out during the week). We take it in turns to have lie-ins. But I really wouldn't allow him to be any different! We are both parents, yes I have the boobs but that is the only difference. I'm back at work part time now but I still have a full-time job so to speak, half of it happens to be childcare. So at weekends we are both on duty.

I did all the nights for the first six months or so as DS was breastfed so it had to be me really - and certainly when DH had to go to work the next day and I didn't it was only fair. When we night weaned DH did it all which was pretty tough, and now he probably does more than me just because his side of the bed is nearest the door!

(DS is 2.3 but still wakes up lots and wanders into our room)

DP does the night nappies (and most of the nappies during the day!) and I do the feeding as DD is breastfed. Sometimes he sleeps through the feed and sometimes he stays awake and we chat and have a play with DD. She only wakes up once a night (11 weeks) and I honestly think anybody, working or not, can cope with that.

I do most of the housework and he does most of the winding and comforting (not much needed as DD is actually quite amenable).

I don't see this as him "helping", he's just raising his child. As a result DD is totally smitten with her daddy which I think is great. I think it's just natural to want to be involved with your children, whether you are a man or a woman.

Ive found my experience of DH varied with each of our babies. My first was a boobaholic who didnt sleep though the night until she was about 2. (I remember posting here on 'sleep is for the weak' years ago). There was little he could do in the middle of the night apart from giving me a hug or smiling weakly at me as I swapped DD to the other side in sleep deprived delerium. We both gave up on trying to involve him in the nightime parenting as it just felt a bit stupid him being up when he could be sleeping. Yes I did resent it a bit...but I got used to bf'ing in my sleep. He did try very hard to settle her but she just wasnt interested... until she weaned and Daddy became the preferred parent for the night time routine. Now she cant get to sleep unless DH is with her....ha ha ha! Nowadays if she wakes in the night / is sick / wets the bed / has a nightmare ... .he is the one who gets up and sorts her out.

My beautiful DS arrived in May 2 months early and stayed in SCBU for a month getting into a nice routine. He came out and managed to stay on the routine despite our chaotic household. DH has got used to holding him and settling him in a particular way and my DS sometimes will not settle unless DH is holding him much to my amazement and delight. I guess my advice to you is to try and get your DH to find his way of settling baby during the day. Once he has his own method he will find it easier to transfer that skill to night time. Start small and work up to longer and longer. For me that happened as I had to leave my son with DH while I took DD to school in the morning. By the time I get back baby is invariably sleeping and DH is late for work again! Night time weaning does help to even out the inequity in roles (imho).

Hope things get easier for you!

DH doesn't help at night, and with DD2 he has been sleeping in the spare room as she is a terrible sleeper and wakes every couple of hours (even at 16mo).

But he gets up in the morning with the dd's during the week, from whatever time they're awake (usually around 6.30am) and I catch up on some sleep until he goes to work, at about 8am. We also share sleep ins at the weekend.

When he's not at work, looking after the dd's and housework is shared equally.

DP was pretty involved through the night with DD and I'm expecting he will be the same with this one. I would BF and settle and then he would do some settling after I fed for subsequent night feeds. DD was up every 3-4 hours for a feed and would often take ages to burp & settle in the night so it was exhausting. I didn't mind doing it at all, but I would get very tired (esp in the first month) and he was happy to help. We used a big blow up exercise ball to sit on and gently bounce.

DP also took responsibility for pretty much all bathtimes - he was very reluctant (afraid) at first, but we started it together & he got his confidence up and he was brilliant. I felt (and DP later agreed) that this was really important for their bonding and he occasionally still thanks me for pushing him to do this. Also gave me half an hour to sit down quietly and have a cuppa tea or just a little quiet time after being home alone all day.

We were apart when DD was 2 - 5 months so I did it all on my own, but by then it was a doddle (she had got over whatever post feeding problems she had)though I did often fall asleep during a 3am feed - not ideal, but there was no other option. I also started (intentionally) co-sleeping when DD was about 6 months which made night feeds a lot easier.