does your partner help with baby during the night?

[sotough]

I am wondering how often most dads of young babies help out with night feeds/settling baby during night.
I am currently on maternity leave with a four week old DD.
Me and DD sleep in a separate room so that DH has a decent uninterrupted sleep. he does the last feed of the day at 11pm; and then doesn't see us again until he gets up around 7.30/8am. Once a week he is willing to do a whole night of feeds (usually one at 2.30am and then 6am.) so i can have a break. He reckons this is more than most working blokes do, when their wives are on maternity leave. I'd be interested to know if he's right about that. I'd like him to do more but perhaps i'm being unreasonable!

i do all night feeding stuff but DH is helping with the toddler - he is nappy free after a spell of rashiness, but this taks a bit of work in terms of whipping him out of bed the second he wakes @ 6am for a wee.

i don't find night feeding a pain - its very hassle free compared with days with two older kids and baby (evn though they are generally easy)

I think my DH must just be amazing and I sort of hope he doesn't ever see this thread...

He 'did' the first week of night feeds because I was sore etc from C section... (in theory... In real life I wS far too excited about my baby to go a night without staring at her!)

He has always done the middle of the night feed (when she used to get up once at 3 and once at 7)

And now that she's 3 months and sleeps through he does the morning feed (probably) more than half the time...

I also get 'nights off' where I don't have to go out, I'm just supposed to get on with reading a book / having a bath etc while he sees to her (bath, feed, bed etc) but again, this doesn't happen as he envisions it... I don't suppose many people can hear their DH struggling with a crying DC and not rush to them... Lol

DH has been amazing from the beginning... Maybe I'm just lucky :p

I am bf baby so there is limits to what hubby can help with. However he will change babies nappy and go and get him when he wakes for me and also giv me reasuring hugs etc during those difficult nights when baby want to just feed feed feed.

I also feel i should tend to baby during the night as hubby works full time.
This I feel has also delayed baby learning to sleep through the night, as if he wakes I feel I cannot even let him grumble a little incase he wakes hubby, thus baby thinks he will always get picked up when he wakes and makes a noise.

I would just like to say as new user all the abreviated wording drives me nuts

This is a fascinating thread! It is interesting to read about the different experiences and expectations. In our relationship, newborns are mostly my responsibility, particularly because all my 4 dcs are/were ebf. The reason this makes them mostly my responsibility is because with my three ds booby would fix almost anything! :) however, with DD who is 11 weeks, she doesn't really comfort feed ever and so DH is always willing to settle her if she doesn't want to feed. (and often she will settle better with him anyway). I am hugely grateful that DD has slept through the night since about 4 weeks old, none of my ds slept through until 16 weeks at the earliest, and I think 12 months at the latest. With my DSs it worked out that i happened to be the one that copes better getting up in the night and once baby could wake, eat, burp and go back to sleep night feeds weren't much of an issue. If dc was sick or awake and screaming inconsolably, DH would be up and helping out in any way possible. When ds1 was wetting during the night DH was the one to wake up at 1am to take him to the loo. I've found that DH is so much more involved with the dc as they get older, and that is so crucial because research shows dcs need their mum most in the early years and for boys especially that changes gradually to dad as they get older. While pregnant with DD it was a lovely treat for DH to take all three ds out somewhere and I'd get some time to myself (I am a sahm and home ed the children, so never much "time off" for me). The important thing, though, is that I'm happy with the way things are, if I felt resentful about anything I'd make it a priority to sit down with DH and discuss it, and if I had good reason to be unhappy we'd work out some changes. For a happy relationship esp with dcs you both have to be on the same page about what to expect from each other, and willingness to help out whatever the situation needs to be at the heart of it because the dcs belong to both of you... If you are ebf you can't expect much help with feeding but for me it's always felt a privilege to be the one to feed my babies. :) (plus IMO expressing is more hassle than sticking the baby in bed next to me and going back to sleep while they help themselves to a feed!)

HH36

a) you'll get used to it quickly
b) you said bf for breastfeeding so you're doing it already!

DH is/ was pish at night. He is even more short-tempered than usual at 3am (kind of understandable).

When DS (now 2yo) was small I did everything as DH was working FT and DS was EBF and refused to take a bottle. As soon as I went back to work, DH went PT so we now kind of share it, although DS sleeps OK apart from when he's ill when I do the bulk of night time stuff.

When DS was 8mo I weaned him off the night feeds so that I had a chance of getting a full night's sleep before I went back to work when DS was 9mo. I had to force DH to be the one to get up to DS with cuddles and water and we had a lot of 3am arguments.

I am expecting DC2 in Spetember so we'll prob re-live the whole bloody charade again over the next 18 months!

MustShowDH - I don't think you are a mug...why do you feel like that? If you were at work full time then you would need a little more help (but I think you're still on ML no?)

My husband rarely gets up in the nights, and never in the week unless she has vommed everywhere or something and I really need his help (and he gets sent back to bed asap while I deal with the rest of it) and sometimes does at weekends but it's usually me. And I usually have to poke him to wake him up.

During the week he works 7am - 11pm ish sometimes later and I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning (well actually we have a cleaner but in between her coming I obv do things), laundry etc. TBH my husband wouldn't be able to do any of those things anyway as there is no time in his day. At the weekend I don't make him do them either as he needs a break, and it's my job. He does wash up after dinner if he is home during the week and at weekends and occasionally cooks too.

I agree with those who say parenting should be 50/50. With all 3 dcs my husband has done an equal amount of night feeds, with ds3 (9 weeks) he's done the vast majority of the work as I was quite ill and needed as much rest as possible whilst recovering (Doctors orders). But in the 10 years we have been together dh has always been fantastic with everything, he cooks (everyday, I'm useless in the kitchen) and does more than his fair share of the housework whilst working FT.

I'm always shocked by those who say "I do everything because DH has to work FT". Part of a marriage/relationship is working together to build a home for your family. SAHM does not = servant, it's stay at home mum.

However, since being on MN, I do realise how lucky I am to have my DH, I would have to give several of the husbands of women on here a kick up the a**e.

I slept away from DH and did every week night alone, it was very hard but I only woke him on two occasions. Then on Friday and Saturday night he looked after DS. I didn't want his job to be affected by tiredness and I relished the weekends to sleep for 10hrs a night. It seems silly for two people to be up at the same time. We take turns with lie ins now at weekends (lie -in = about 8am!)

My dh NEVER did ANY nights and he won't for the second ds either
I breastfeed so didn't really see it as an option. I even sleep in the spare room so he didn't wake up. But what is the point in having two tired miserable parents!!!

I'm another one hubby in spare room me the breasts and baby in our room

Not ideal but no point him being awake to plus is a miserable with no sleep I'm much better. He haste work long days I can sleep. I honestly don't mind

Just wish she would go longer than two hours....

I coslept with my last DC because he was the first one I breastfed, it made sense. We used to enjoy me sneaking into DH's single bed in the nursery!
By the time you are on child 3, it's more a case of him sorting out the other kids than doing his fair share with the baby.

i'm always amazed when i read threads like this on MN.

DH when on paternity leave always shared the night feeds (FF baby so easier i guess). As soon as he was back at work then he would do the last feed at night (between 10pm - 11pm). I would do the middle of the night feed (anytime between 2-4am and it was only ever one feed in the night - very lucky there!) and then be up for 7am.

However, DH would then do a middle of the night feed on either a Fri or Sat and i would be up for 7am.

Thankfully at 7 weeks both DC dropped their middle of the night feed and slept through (ie, 7-7) from 11/12 weeks so i didn't have a long period of broken sleep. He also (and still does) empties the dishwasher, laundry baskets, washes up, hangs up washing - all without me asking on the weekends and in the evenings when back from work. He feels its only right and fair - i agree .

sorry that third para wasn't clear - basically whoever was up in the night then had the lie in the next day.

Oh cobblers, that's great. But actually it was only 7 weeks and so really not that much of an issue. You were very lucky/clever .

It's when it goes on for months and years that it becomes an issue.

I bf so I had to get up in the night. However, I did stop worrying about disturbing DH. Intially, I used to feed DS to stop him from crying so that he wouldn't disturb DH. Would instinctively jump out of bed at the slightest whimper.

As time went on though, I realised I had to leave to to try to settle himself so allowed him to make more noise. Dh huffed and puffed about how tired he was despite not having to get out of bed countless times in the night but I think he understood it would be better in the long run.

my DW is fab. DS had colic from 2 weeks-8weeks and we took it in turns during the nights, sitting up with ds in a baby carrier for 4 hours until the next feed then we'd swap. she works ft (luckily nearby) and would grab some extra sleep in the spare room when ds eventually went to sleep (usually sometime after 3am).
i've had pnd recently and she's been fab, people sometimes ask us who does housework etc and tbh the answer is usually NOBODY but while DS is so tiny there's more important stuff to do! she always tells me i only have to look after myself and ds and get out and about if the weather's nice. makes me feel better about being shit at housework atm.

oh i'm definitely not clever but did get lucky - i'm very aware of that .

and yes you're right it was only 7 weeks but my point (perhaps badly made) was that my DH would always get up (and anticipated having to do so) and do late night feeds whatever the period of time it went on for.
With DC1 we had always assumed, like most people, that the nights would be interrupted for ages.

We share - night on/night off.

I bf for 9.5 months, so definitely did my share of night feeds. Dh would like me to say that he was in charge of winding in teh very early days.

When annoyed after getting up in teh night, I used to find bouncing back into bed and sighing loudly: "Oh for Fuck's sake!" very satisfactory.

When DH was on paternity leave he got up with me and baby, changed nappies, helped settle etc. He did this on weekends once back at work.

When he went back to work, he would stay up with me until baby was settled, or until 11ish, whichever was ealier! He is also a very light sleeper (unlike me) so was very good at waking me up to tell me baby was crying!!!

Both mine were bf and I had no problem doing nights, with the knowledge that DH would help out with any particular trauma (sick, awake for HOURS etc). I DO believe that the person who isn't working should do most of nights. I work now, and know how hard it is to operate if I have a distrurbed night.

Now they are older (nearly 2 and 4.5) DH gets up in the night if necessary, rather then me. I am a REALLY heavy sleeper (convenient!), so if one of the DCs gets up with a nightmare or something, he tends to sort.

We shared the first time. I didn't want him too tired to drive safely to work, so would hold back if I could until 5, when I'd tank DS1 up and hand him over so I could get my head down for 2 or 3 hours without a tiny baby on me. DH would take him downstairs, calm him down or take him for walks in the baby carrier. I think they went to parks at 7am and sat on the swings.

This time round... For a start, DS1 is now a rather demanding nearly 3 yr old, and since we moved house has wanted to sleep with one or both of us. DH is in the spare room with him (though tonight, hooray! DS went to bed in his own room) and keeping him happy, as he's quite disturbed at night at the moment. I'm co-sleeping with DS2 and find it's easier if DH isn't in the bed with us, but god! it's isolating in the middle of the night when you're crying because the wretched baby doesn't want milk and doesn't want to sleep. It's put a real wedge between myself and DH, not having him around to share the new baby and the fresh hell that he brought with him... Also, DH doesn't have the inbuilt radar that most mums have, that jerks them awake if their child so much as farts in the next room . Last night, I was sat downstairs breastfeeding blearily and heard DS1 wake up and start crying. DH was in our bed, a rare occurance, and totally zonked out. I had to go up and kick him before he'd go in and comfort DS1. I was just so resentful that he didn't have the same horrible trip-wire consciousness that I'm cursed with, these days.

I breastfeed so fair enough, DH can't do that, and he is brilliantly patient with DS1 during the day. But I miss him at night.

I had four sections and bf all four babies, DH would help me get up and onto the chair....he would also wake me up if I fell asleep on the chair and give me babymoons whilst looking after the others and then times when I would only see the baby to feed whilst I caught up on sleep for a few hours her e and there.

Wow, this thread has made me realise how lucky I am.

My DH works from home and when DS was born he did ALL nappy changes for the first few weeks (days and nights) and then left the feeding to me. Understandable, as only I have boobs. The first few feeds he even stayed up with me to make sure everything was OK, and I had water and snacks. Eventually I had to tell him to go back to bed to get sleep, so he could work during the day! He was soooo smitten with our tiny little baby, he just didn't want to leave him!

Practically it's a good idea to divide it between you if possible, so that the baby will respond to either of you. As I was BF, I did it all initially (DD was in our room beside the bed.) Then when DD was 6 months-ish, I decided to do a last feed around 10.30, then only offer water during the night so DH could do his share. (We did agree this first!) He felt once DD was starting to have solids it should help her manage without milk during the night, he could see how exhausted I was and I felt like I was struggling. So that's how it worked. Only took a few nights, and she was waking less often when she realised the milk bar was closed. (She wasn't actually having a proper feed, just a comfort thing.) And she fed better during the day then, too. Night waking became quite boring for her - nobody sang, no toys, etc. Just offering her water in her cot, and settling her with her cuddly. Her needs were met, but there wasn't much to wake up for as long as she wasn't hungry.

So you were attached to the baby in case it needed feeding and he was attached in case it needed changing? Think I would go mad if stuck to my DH for that long!