does your partner help with baby during the night?

[sotough]

I am wondering how often most dads of young babies help out with night feeds/settling baby during night.
I am currently on maternity leave with a four week old DD.
Me and DD sleep in a separate room so that DH has a decent uninterrupted sleep. he does the last feed of the day at 11pm; and then doesn't see us again until he gets up around 7.30/8am. Once a week he is willing to do a whole night of feeds (usually one at 2.30am and then 6am.) so i can have a break. He reckons this is more than most working blokes do, when their wives are on maternity leave. I'd be interested to know if he's right about that. I'd like him to do more but perhaps i'm being unreasonable!

Dd sleeps through now but if she does have a sleepless night because of teething or illness dh always gets up with her. We take the mornings and weekends in turn

Pretty equally split here even though DC were BF and I am the one with the tits .

Both DC went through stages of being very hard to settle even after a feed and DH would often take over after I had fed them.

He was even better with our second as he appreciated that I now had 2 young DC to look after during the day and he didn't want me to be exhausted, despite the fact that he has a very busy, high pressured job.

When I was on leave and DH was working, I always fed DD during the night - was BFing so not much option really!

DD co-slept with me so that it was easier on me, DH slept on cushions in the study for the first 3 months!

He did much of the shopping, cooking and washing while I looked after DD though.

DD is 5 weeks on Tuesday and I do all the nighttime stuff. DH has offered to do a feed if I express but to be honest after having DD on my tits every 3 hours I can't face clamping a machine to them too.

I'm SAHM, DH needs his wits about him at work and I really don't see the point in both of us being awake when I can sleep during the day when DD sleeps. He does come and cuddle me whilst I feed DD and if I'm having trouble settling her he'll ask me what's wrong and we'll talk through what else I can try to get her to sleep. I've offered to make the spare bed up for him to sleep but he wants to be in with us.

DH also does any changing and settling when he gets home from work.

PS now DD is not BFing anymore, we take it in turns to get up with her if need be.

Breastfeeding so I did all the nightfeeds for the first 4-5 months. DP gets up in the morning with ds though and I lie in.

Now ds doesn't need feeding in the night, just a cuddle to get him back to sleep, so DP does all the nightwakings. I don't want to start feeding in the night if not necessary and it's too confusing for ds for me to go to him and not feed him.

DP is self-employed and not 9-5, so we have a lot more flexibility on catching up with sleep.

i am on mat leave with dd2
dd2 wakes hourly at the moment, and though she is ebf i do not offer the boob without seeing if she can be resettled first. dh pitches in with the resttling without complaint. he works long hours but has always fared better than me with broken nights.

My dd is 6 weeks. I do it all at night but that is because he needs to be able to operate at work - if he lost his job we'd be in dire straits. When I go back to work part time in September we will reevaluate, though I am hoping not to have interrupted nights by then.
At weekends I also do it all because I am mostly breastfeeding but I get him up at 8ish to take her downstairs if she is awake so I can have a couple of hours lie in.

Interesting, I'm sensing a very mild undertone in this thread of "look how much more considerate MY OH is compared to yours". Weird.

I'm still befuddled by why a BF mum would WANT their OH to wake up and watch them feed? Why? Just let the poor bloke sleep, especially if he has to go out to work the next day! However, if DH/DP has the magic touch with settling, and is happy to get up after feeds and help with that, then that's brilliant. My DH was a bit Paul Daniels like that, but I think somethimes that's just having a different body trying something new.

ANYWAY, what I actually came back on to say is that OH's can be supportive and helpful in many other ways besides getting up at night.

DH always told me he felt like a spare wheel the first few months, especially cos I was BF. However, every morning he brought me tea and toast whilst I was feeding, washed the dishes, and stuck a clothes wash on before going to work, and invariably every night he would do the cooking (bearing in mind I'm the able one in the house, this was very sweet of him, but BLOODY HELL was I sick of stir fry after a couple of weeks!)

Sorry, posted before I was done.

What I'm trying to say is that he became the enabler - he worked like a stage hand behind the scenes so that my life ran easily and smoothly throughout the day whilst he was at work, and so that I had as little to worry about as possible. I would choose that kind of support any day over getting up and watching me BF.

When on mat leave, I used to do the graveyard shift, except Friday & Saturday night so I could recharge for the week ahead and get some uninterrupted sleep. He would always have a sleep in the afternoon if tired.

Sorry ought to add I expressed/bottlefed, but my SIL expressed a feed so she could sleep. I do have an ex friend who insisted dh woke up with her and was very put out if he didn't keep her company and saw it as unsupportive.

NoWayNoHow you've brought me to my senses again. I was having a wee tired moment.

What you've said is exactly how I feel! I try to remind myself every now and again that there's a reason I'm on mat leave and it's my job to look after DD. No one said it was gonna be easy!

I don't think there has been any "my DH is more considerate than yours" type posts. If that is what you are reading then I would suggest you're not quite as happy with your arrangement as you claim.

I don't think anyone has talked about their DH's being awake simply to watch them feed, although I disagree that is always without benefits. In the early days when the DC might feed 1-1.5 hrs 2-3 time a night it was lovely if DH came and saw that we were all ok or offered a glass of water etc.

Those hours can be extremely lonely when you are exhaused and the feeling that the rest of the world is slumbering around you is a tough one. Personally DH's presence at those times, even if only for a minute or two was an enormous comfort and support.

Everyone has to do what is right for them but I am uncomfortable with the idea that if you are not working you don't need sleep. Sleep deprivation can be utterly debilitating and has a major impact on the the enjoyment of time spent with the baby during the day.

My DD is 26 months now. I breastfed for eleven months and apart from two nights I did all the night duties.

It worked quite well for us and is probably what we will do next time - although this may be slightly tricky to pull off as there won't be the chances to sleep when baby sleeps with a toddler around!

TBH the most challenging part for us has been my return to work and when DD is unwell - DH doesn't wake up - it would take more than a juggernaut I swear - and so I deal with it but it does mean DH gets short shrift sometimes in the morning and he doesn't know why.

BUT he will always offer me first refusal of a lie in on Saturday or Sunday.

We just always try to make sure we are a team!

noway - i'm not getting that undertone. for a parenting relationship to be successful, both parties need to be involved from the beginning, otherwise you tend to get 'aibu to want to slap my dh because he does nothing with the children' threads a few years down the line...

each couple need to work out how they divide the parenting in their own relationship, (and we will all be happy with different amounts of sole responsibility) but a mother who even at the bf stage is aware that the dh has drawn a line between man's work (paid outside of the home) and woman's work (24/7 and pushing all-nighters) needs to know whether the 'woman's work' is valued by the chap concerned. if it is, fab.

you could set the clock by ds1. he woke every 120 minutes exactly and screamed the place down. for ten months. if dh hadn't been responsible for the settling, i would probably not be here now. (why we went on to have dc3 is anyone's guess!) that's not ' my dh is better than yours' competition, it's pointing out that mothers of babies often need support from fathers of babies. and shouldn't be afraid to ask for it. or even demand it if necessary.

When I was on Maternity leave I would go to bed at about 8:30pm and my DH would stay up with DD until Midnight. Then from midnight until 8am I was 'in charge'.

DD would usually want a 02:30 and 05:00 feed so I could usually get a good 5 hours of sleep in before I was interrupted. DH never slept in after 6am so would take DD off me if I was having trouble settling her. I probably ended up getting more sleep than him in the early months

Dh is much better at night than I am and he always got up to dcs at night.
They were EBF but he would take them off me after the last dream feed at 11ish and put them to bed.
I didn't feed either of them at night after the first six weeks though, it would have been a bottle if they'd started that!
Has your DH got a long commute or is he just being selfish?

DP and i do one night off, one night on as our 15 wk old DS is,well, quite hard work, won't bw put down till 11 pm, wakes to feed at around 4 and takes 1+ hours to resettle. This arrangement is great in that we both have the chance for one uninterrupted night out of two, but not so great in that we have not slept in the same bed since DS was 5 weeks old :(.

OP - your DH gets 8 - 8.5 hours sleep a night AND a lie in at the weekend. He's got it made IMO! So having a newborn hasn't really messed with his life at all. Knock it on the head now or he'll still be taking the mick for many years to come. Yes he will be tired at work but surely he should have expected that.

My DH does one night time feed which I express each morning meaning we're both up once. I do any extras as well. He does the late feed meaning he gets a six maybe seven hour stretch and I get a disjointed six or seven hours. That works quite well.

Well also bf here, so most of the night wakings were down to me. In the early days DH would take the baby in the evening whilst I got some sleep upstairs. He would pace the floor with said baby strapped to his front until they showed signs of needing feeding again.

Unfortunately, both of my children were not keen to give up bf at night, leading to a little haggardness on my part. So DH does other stuff around the house when I'm really knackered, takes them out at the weekend so I can nap, that sort of thing. We also take turns wit lie-ins at the weekend. Our oldest is now 4.5, and was sick last night so we shared the wakings (thankfully our toddler has chosen now to start sleeping through...). DH is a much heavier sleeper than I am, but can be roused with a swift poke and a hissed 'go and see to DS'.

You need to work out a set-up that works for your relationship.

It really varies, even between children in the same family.

DS was bottle-fed so I (DH) shared the night feedings and settlings with DW about equally. Actually probably ended up doing slightly more over time as I was better at settling him (don't know why, just one of those things!)

DD on the other hand was bf, so DW did a lot more of the night feeds apart from one bottle feed in the middle of the night in the early days. I did the nappy changes and settlings but much less than DW overall. On the other hand, I also did anything that needed to be done with DS in the night when DD was little (e.g. joyous things like remaking the bed after he'd wet himself, or coaxing him back to his bed at 5am)

As RC says, you just need to find something that works for your relationship. FYI, whatever this is, incidentally, you'll both think the other one has it easier...!

DH does week ends (Fridays and Saturdays) and most of 11pm feeds. He puts DS to bed more or less every other day.

This is a very sore point in our household. Currently having real problems with DS and my husband who does all the cooking and a lot of the housework simply refuses to do nights. He is working and it shift work but nothing too crazy, 7.45am till 3pm and 3pm-9.30pm. He's a care worker. Last night was very tough indeed. DS is 21 weeks now and didn't sleep a wink last night from 11pm till 5.30am. I'm also the only driver so I worry about being unsafe to drive. I love my husband dearly but I do resent this massively and at times it has made me question us as a partnership.

I've just re read my post and I sound very ungrateful. Don't get me wrong, I completly appreciate how lucky I am having a husband who can cook, but i would rather do the cooking in return for some help in the night but he just point blank refuses....