crying it out... how old??

[pugsmum]

I have been trying everything but my DS 1month won't sleep in his moses basket.. The annoying thing is he only wakes twice. Nite for feeds and I wud have brilliant nights if I cud just put him down he is sleepin on my chest on the sofa so he don't sufocate!!!

The midwife said tht we could try leaving him to cry and we tried it once and it worked wonderfully , immediately after 10 mins e fell asleep and slept for 3 hours then again after his first feed....

But I'm sure I can't do this every time and I was unsure that I should b leaving him to cry at such a young age at the time I was so desperate I was willin to try anything. But it broke my heart to do it and I worried about it for ages!!!!

Okay where to start?

First of all, it's dangerous to leave a baby that small to cry alone.

I can't believe your midwife told you to leave him to cry.

Crying it out is damaging in itself, babies cry for all sorts of good reasons and if you don't respond, they learn that no one comes.

This is really, really bad for them. If he went off in ten minutes I doubt much harm was done but the thing is he will probably cry for way longer next time.

Even controlled crying, where you go and check on them every few minutes while they cry, is thought dangerous for babies under a year old - so not recommended. Crying it out is widely considered barbaric and terrible.

Please ignore your midwife, she is bonkers.
you sound quite young - stick around, we can help you with this stuff

Please, please don't leave him to cry. He could be ill, or choke, or be sick and that's dangerous if you're not there.

Babies do not normally sleep as well as yours does by one month old!!! I would expect much less sleep than you are getting at this stage. Please don't expect to have undisturbed nights, you might get one occasionally but the est of the time there will be feeding, and teething, and tummy aches and all that stuff to sort out. It's what babies do!

Follow your instincts on this one and don't do it again.

There isnt an age as far as I know because it's not something you're meant to do. Controlled crying isnt even done till much, much older than this. Babies of 1 month age are meant to wake up lots.

Never. Ever. NEVER!

Leaving a baby to cry for 5 or 10 minutes is not controlled crying or cry it out, calm down people. If they need to get themselves off to sleep, and it works, then no harm done. If it makes you unhappy then don't do it, but then don't be surprised if he doesn't sleep in his Moses basket if you don't give him a chance - it takes ages before they happily go off to sleep (if ever).

First of all don't feel too guilty about this. What you did was wrong but you were only following the bad advice of your midwife.

That being said, it's not a good idea to do this again 1 month old is far to young to be left to cry it out.

With regards to getting DS to sleep in his moses basket have you tried swaddling? This helped when we couldn't get DD to sleep in her crib. I used to swaddle DD then feed her to sleep and then after 10 mins or so gently transfer her into her basket.

You could also try warming the moses basket with a hot water bottle so that when you transfer DS from your arms to the basket the shock of the cold doesn't wake him up. N.B. don't forget to remove the hot water bottle once DS is in the moses basket otherwise you risk over heating.

From your post it looks like you have been sleeping on the sofa with DS. This is very dangerous and carries a SIDS risk. If you must cosleep with DS then you should do it in bed only, see here for details of how to do this safely.

Lukewarm, leaving a One Month Old baby to cry for any amount of time is wrong. Unless you are desperate for the toilet and he is within reach/sight at all times.

Your post makes very little sense.

He's a teeny tiny baby. A mere 4 weeks in this world. Cuddle him. He'll grow out of it.

It breaks your heart for a reason - it goes against your instinct and you should listen to that. It will serve you well.

NEVER

he doesn't even realise he is outside of you

for goodness sake cuddle him and respond to his cries

I don't think you have done any harm please don't worry - babies can cry whether you are with them or not.

I agree controlled crying is too young for his age but do think you need to work on getting him into his basket sooner rather than later - why not try the shh pat by the baby whisperer or similar, that way you are not leaving him to cry alone but comforting him when he gets upset and teaching him to settle happily on his own

Why getting into his basket sooner rather than later? He'll move into a cot soon which require "getting into" so may as well relax about it a bit.
As mums we're under so much pressure to get little babies to self settle. It doesn't happen naturally until around 4 months at least - before that it's just luck. So many things change in the first year that strict sleep training is futile as you'll just have to do it again after teething/illness/growth spurts etc.

Wwow ok... Well just to clafiry guy I didn't just leave him in his bascket and go out!!!!!! He was changed, fed, tempreture checked, everything I could think of checked and me and my partner were in the room watchin him strokin his head from time to time buut not makin to much fus!!!!

Also I don't expect to have an easy life and am aware of the sleepless nights but I can't put ds down in his moses basket for one second day or night he screams and then takes ages to console... Trhe longest I have put him down for is half hour!!!

Now I am panicking and feel extremely. Guilty... What have I don't and why was I given such bad advise

I feel as tho I don't want to ask her for advice again. Will this really have damages my little boy

Don't worry it's not the end of the world. Have you tried swaddling? That will make your baby feel nice and cuddled - much more secure.

I have tried absolutly everything, swaddling, hotwaterbottle, rolled up tshirt that's smells like me, rockeng, bouncing, u name it I have tried it.....

Also I sleep on the sofa because the bed comes away from the wall in the night and I am worried he will fall down the gap I don't feel safe either.. On the sofa I wedge myself in propped up on the pillows so I can't roll and face him out on my chest so nothin can go near his face .

P.s I am unsure wat the 'you sound young' comment was about???????

I am feeling very worried what will it have done to ds.......

Pugsmum - you definitely have not done him any damage and to suggest this is just scare mongering.

The one thing I have learnt about parenting is this - there are hardly any rights or wrongs. You just have to do what feels right for you.

As for crying - we all have different thresholds for it. And there are also a variety of situations when we have to let even a young baby cry ( driving, checking in to board a plane, attending to older children who are doing something dangerous are just a few examples)

I sympathise that your ds will not stay in a moses basket - some babies don't. Could it be that he is uncomfortable lying flat on his back? My younger two had quite bad reflux and didnt like lying flat. Have you ever tried a vibrating chair or swing? - they are a bit more upright. Or even a hammock?

As he gets older, things will definitely improve. It's just very hard at the moment and I understand that.

Cry it out - Never. Although I wouldn't class 10 minutes as CIO. I'm pretty sure when DS2 and 3 came along there were instances were they had to cry for up to around 10 minutes as I couldn't physically stop and pick them up - especially if we were on our way somewhere and they were in the pram.

And yes - I've used Controlled Crying in the past (and would use it again in the future). But not until at least 6 months old.

I used to leave DS3 in his moses basket crying, it took approx 6 minutes for him to fall asleep - I never once considered that CIO

Please don't worry about it - he is fine, it's really not going to harm as a one off.

I'd be wary about a hot water bottle as it can cause overheating but the rest all sounds really good. (Or do you mean just putting the water bottle in the basket for a few mins to warm it up before you put him in?)

Don't go - mumsnet is great for advice, yes people will be honest with you but we are nice as well, honest

I don't know that you sound young but you do sound like you don't have a lot of support - sorry if this isn't right.

Well wait, yes sleeping on a sofa is more dangerous than in a bed, but it sounds as though the OP is doing it safely, and the bed isn't an option. As long as you make sure there's no way the baby could roll and get trapped between or against the sofa cushions I don't see why it would be unsafe. It's just because sofas are smaller that this is more likely to be unsafe than bed sleeping.

Though it would probably be even better if you could make a safe bed space e.g. put the mattress on the floor maybe, or get a bed guard or convert his cot so that it extends the bed and acts as a bed guard?

Please please don't sleep on the sofa with him. If he settles with you, on you, does he stay asleep if u put him down?

Also have you looked at the possibility of co-sleeping? There are ways to do it very safely, but main factors are parents don't drink, smoke or on medications. Light bedding etc etc.

Pugsmum,

Please do stay here as you will get great advice and support. I do understand that when you feel have tried everything and get so many different types of advice that you can feel a bit under attack when more advice comes in but people here do want to help both you and your baby and have the best intentions.

It is really hard when they don't settle but some babies are just harder to settle than others especially at this age. It's not your fault if he's crying and you've tried everything - they really don't know that they're outside of you. Some babies do cry a lot more than others, I don't think anyone knows why this is and it's hard if that's the case with your little baby.

You sound like a great mum who's doing everything for her baby and in coming on here you may get some advice which really helps and even if it doesn't you'll get the emotional support of those who have been through it themselves. The main thing is that your DS knows that his mummy loves him and it sounds like this is the case.

I did find with my DS that I had to rock him long after he fell asleep before putting him down to ensure that he was really asleep, any earlier and he woke up. If it makes you feel any better, my DS is 6.5 months and has never slept through the night and a good/great night is 3 wakeups. I have never done controlled crying as I don't believe in it but understand why you would if your midwife gave you advice! Even though he wakes up all the time, my DS is so contented and happy during the day that I've learnt to live with the distubed sleep, he'll sleep through when he's developmental ready to and with some babies that can take a long time.

Sending you the biggest hugs

don't worry you haven't done anything to him! it's not ideal to leave a month old baby to cry but you haven't scarred him for life

I know what it's like to have a baby who won't be put down to sleep, I have one. He'll happily play on his own when awake, but asleep - no way. Sometimes he'll only sleep latched on!! But he's 14 weeks now and last night spent the whole night in his basket, apart from 2 feeds for the first time ever!

Our bed's not against the wall but the moses basket is right up against it so if he fell out of bed he's just fall in the basket!

Wow - that swing is a bargain! pugsmum - there's your christmas present from grandparents sorted