crying it out... how old??

[pugsmum]

I have been trying everything but my DS 1month won't sleep in his moses basket.. The annoying thing is he only wakes twice. Nite for feeds and I wud have brilliant nights if I cud just put him down he is sleepin on my chest on the sofa so he don't sufocate!!!

The midwife said tht we could try leaving him to cry and we tried it once and it worked wonderfully , immediately after 10 mins e fell asleep and slept for 3 hours then again after his first feed....

But I'm sure I can't do this every time and I was unsure that I should b leaving him to cry at such a young age at the time I was so desperate I was willin to try anything. But it broke my heart to do it and I worried about it for ages!!!!

Op - I suspect that if your post read 'i cant get my baby to sleep without crying for 10 mins', you would have got some lovely supportive responses. It's the terms 'cry it out' or 'controlled crying' that inspire such passionate responses. And what you did wasn't cry it out anyway.

pugsmum - i can sense that you are feeling pretty desperate and i can't blame you if your LO is on you 24 hrs a day. Mine were never as bad as this but they did all wake very frequently and only my dd3 is a natural sleeper.

Is it possible you could get some help or an alternative set of eyes? Please don't feel that is in any way undermining your parenting skills. I just know, from personal experience, when I am struggling with any of my kids it helps for someone else to take over. I know it sounds weird but I think even small babies can pick up on anxiety and stress in a carer.

Another suggestion - putting him to sleep on you and waiting until he is in a deep sleep. Then when you transfer into to basket, do lots and lots of shushing and patting on the bottom ( if you hold him on side) or chest if on back. Eventually he may just drift off to sleep and it will get easier as he gets used to it.

Another thought, if the only way he can sleep is on your chest then presumably he is lying face down and not on his back. This is also common - a lot of babies struggle with lying on their backs - and sometimes it's to do with reflux etc. If you think he may have reflux, talk to your HV or GP.

Pugs - DS slept on me/DH until 4/5 months. But he did have reflux so was uncomfortable on his back until we got medication.
To get him to nap in the day, we used a baby carrier.

pugsmum, my second ds was like yours.
he used to scream ALL the time. in fact, it wasn't even a case of he would only sleep on me, it was a case of him just screaming for hours and not feeding or sleeping!

i honestly do know how hideous sleep deprivation is. trust me. he fed every 45-90 minutes day and night until he was over 9 months old!!!

This sounds like hippy crap I expect, but it truly worked for me.
Once I accepted that this was how he was, it got easier. I read a book called the happiest baby on the block, by dr harvey karp, who explains why babies cry a lot, and why they want their mum all the time.

and somehow, knowing WHY he was behaving the way he did made it easier to bear. knowing that there was light at the end of the tunnel (tho it didn't always seem it) helped too

and like a previous poster said, sometimes it helped just to get someone else in to help me. sometimes that was DP just taking him for half an hour, sometimes it was a friend coming in and holding him while i had a nap or did something with ds1. sometimes it was going to my mums and listening to what she thought and letting her have him while i slept on her sofa!!!

looking back on it now i can say it's one of the hardest things I have gone through in nearly 6 years and 3 children.
But I can also recognise that actually it's such an unbelievably short length of time in the grand scheme of things.
all the other stuff that needs doing... it can wait, esp if he is your first and you don't have other kids to take care of.

he needs you right now, and he is so, so, so very young still...

oh yes, seing baby carriers talked about

my moby wrap saved my sanity during the day

he slept really well in it, and it often kept him content when awake too. and it left me hands free to do other stuff, like making some lunch!

Oh shoot, I'm so sorry - that was me who said you sounded young, it was meant in the kindest way possible, I don't even know why I got that impression - maybe the text speak, which is beyond me, and I don't have a problem with - certainly nOT a dig at you in ANY way, but more just being concerned that you were on your own out there with a midwife telling you something a bit odd.

I'm really sorry if it came across as critical. I felt really sorry for you, and wanted to help, and have no problem whatsoever with your typing. I'd have said that earlier but have been out most of the day...sorry x

Sorry am typing in a big panic with ds on my lap. And saying text speak is beyond me means it's beyond my capability and I feel a bit old!!!

Please don't get the wrong idea. You've totally misunderstood my thoughts and intentions.

Hope you do stick around.

Me and my big mouth. Have I really seen her off with one pointless comment?

Bugger.

OP - please come back!

Can I please hi-jack and ask thisisyesterday when her ds stopped screaming?

Our ds is 5 months and could never be put down in the first few months - he can now for a few minutes if not ill, tired, hungry. He does however still scream a lot.

OP, it is really hard work but please consider getting a wrap sling, it really helps lots of babies to sleep!

well, part of his problem was that he was/is intolerant to dairy and egg. so cutting those out of my diet (was BF) helped a lot, i can remember posting on another forum when he was around 16 weeks saying that things had improved a lot and i'd had an enjoyable day!!

however, he was still very high needs. a proper velcro baby!
cutting out the dairy and egg stopped the long periods of prolonged inconsolable crying though, so i was left with a baby who was more content as long as he was being held or amused by someone, or fed.

at around 9 or 10 months we used the no-cry sleep solution to try and sort nights out, which worked and I guess he just gradually became happier and happier as he got older
definitely improved with each developmental milestone. ie, when he figured out how to sit up he was happier for a while, then once he could crawl, then once he was walking. I suppose it was all new stimulation for him?

he is 3 now and the easiest of all 3 of my boys!!!

Thanks thisisyesterday - you have given us some hope. Don't think it is allergies with us. HV always makes me feel like it is my fault for holding him too much, rather than the other way around.

Pugsmum, my DS1 was an extremely demanding baby- nicest way to put it! Remenber the once being at my friend's house while she serenely breastfed her baby to sleep while I had to braestfeed, standing up, whilst jigging.... to get mine to sleep. He's now a very lively, very bright, demanding toddler. Some babies are just like that- they knowq what they want and are determined (fair enough!) to let you know about it .

This too shall pass.

crying it out

sassy - have you read this thread?

If you have, do you think that link was supportive or judgmental?

The OP hasn't returned as some of the comments upset her despite appearing quite desperate. - I don't think your post was very helpful.

OP; if you have done everything possible to make your baby comfortable and he is still going for it despite your best efforts, there is nothing wrong with leaving him in his cot (or other safe place) to fuss for a few minutes. My DS is 9 weeks, and currently before he goes down at 6:30, fusses in his cot for about 2 minutes before going to sleep. And he sleeps really well. I know he is fed, clean, warm and not in pain. Rocking/soothing makes him worse. I stand outside his door and wait for him to finish before I leave, and I will continue to do this because there's nothing wrong with it.

I've left him in his cot before when he's been bellowing his lungs out, too and he was about 2 weeks old; because I was so tired and emotional and lonely (DH at work). I would far FAR rather do that than do something stupid like shouting at him or worse. If ten minutes of him crying means you come back calmer and more in control, then so be it.

Forgot to add OP; some kids fuss themselves to sleep. It happens; it's a phase; he'll get through it. As long as he's not crying for hours on end and you're leaving him alone lol! As I mentioned above, my DS tends to get really overtired at night and has a little shout before he goes to sleep.

amijee
Yes I read it. Did you? It isn't even in the slightest bit judgemental! Makes me think you didn't. I would never post anything judgemental. The general premise is that studies that show that babies are affected by being left to cry have been done on babies that are left to cry constantly ie, neglected- but people have misconstrued the findings and now we have mums believing that if they leave their child to cry at all it will be psychologically damaging. I like to look at the studies undertaken rather than the rhetoric that gets banded about. There is usually a big discrepancy between the two.

Good link sassy very informative.

I hope the OP is reading this and won't be afraid to post again.

Hi pugsmum if you're still here. My DD was the same. She too had to sleep on me for the night time sleep and for day time naps. I remember feeling so low and desperate (at day 4... it was my first in my defense!!) that 'this wasn't what it's supposed to be' (well meaning friends and relatives commenting) that I thought I was doing it all wrong. After getting my mum over for the night and having her take DD, DD slept for 4 hours which I couldn't believe! I had been trying to persist with putting her in the basket. I asked mum what she had done and she had slept with her. It seemed so simple but I hadn't thought of it . You figured it out on your own so for that you're one step ahead of me!

By about week 6 I was able to let her go to sleep on me and transfer her to this which I kept on the bed next to me (was very cosy with 3 in the bed!). May be a solution for the risk of the bed moving? I could still keep my arm around her and my face resting next to her. She was also swaddled. From there I started to see some small improvements, moving to a cot next to the bed, then the cot across the room, then finally the cot in the room next door.

For day time naps after a time I also used a swing and it was truly a lifesaver. You may be able to hire them to at least try to see if it works for your DS. I don't know what I would have done without it!

For a 'light at the end of the tunnel' type hope for you, she is now 10 months and will have a 2 hour nap in the morning in her cot, a 1 hour nap in the afternoon in her cot, and will sleep 11 hours at night in her cot. On her own :).

I know that it seems never ending at the time and sleep deprivation is a truly awful thing but your DS will grow up to be very happy, secure, and confident having a mum that obviously loves him and tries to do the best for him - which is what I guess we all do and why we're all here, regardless of our chosen methods!

Best of luck and enjoy your lovely cuddly DS :).

sassy - i apologise - i misinterpreted your link.

Maybe have been helpful to clarify your post with the web link as I thought it was yet another dig at anyone wishing to let their kids cry it out.

My fault for not reading your link properly x

amijee No worries.

Goodness me- As someone said earlier- scaremongering springs to mind. You poor thing. a lot of people on here are giving you very unsound and unhelpful and innacurate advice. In particular Catchthewind. Of course there are the extremes where children are left to cry for long periods and are not nurtured and loved- and yes , this would be damaging. But we are talking to someone here, who is obviously caring and loves her child and wants what is best. As long as your baby is being loved and cared for then short periods of leaving it to cry, will not harm your baby. I have been a maternity nurse and am a mother I have looked after hundreds of babies and each baby is very different, some babies can't sleep without crying first, some babies sleep anywhere, some babies can be put into a routine from a young age. I am sure your midwife didn't mean for you to put your baby in it's basket and leave it for hours on end- I expect she was just suggesting leaving him to cry for a short while to see if he will settle. It is ludicous to suggest a baby will be damaged for life from periods of being left to cry. It's all about balance. Trial and error, and remebering that babies go through phases, and by the time you read this, for no particular reason, he may be happy in his basket now. Good luck-

it is very harmful to leave a baby to cry. its a massive adjustment having a baby and its so exhausting but you will adapt to this. just go with the flow, rest when you can and enjoy giving your baby the love and nurturing that it needs from its mummy.

1 month babies don't go to sleep on their own. my 3 year old does not go to sleep on his own, has never slept through and he's really, really nice and he knows his mummy loves him.

congratulations on your baby. ditch your midwife- they are usually stupid, harbingers of doom

kalo12
Do you know which book you read that out of? (not meant sarcastic, is a genuine question)

Kalo12. I too would like to know where you heard it's harmful to leave a baby to cry too ?
Making bold and unjust statements like this can be harmful. You need to clarify what you mean- ie- is it harmful to leave a baby to cry for a few minutes while you answer the door ? I don't think so. Can it be upsetting for a baby to be repeatedly neglected when crying for long periods?- yes. Is it OK to leave a baby to cry it out so that after a short unsettling period they learn to self soothe and have a good healthy sleep routine? of course not- ( although I would wait until the baby is older-) - some babies cry before they sleep whether they are in your arms, in a pushchair or car seat.
Some one month old babies do go to sleep on their own without crying- and are happy to be in their cot and nod off and sleep independently for ever after.