I'm a moldie, so another you can probably put on your list of people who you have talked to who aren't friends anymore Rhubs. I am sorry that you and Custy feel hurt by moldie behaviour, but want to reassure you (even though I doubt you will believe me) that hurt was not intended. Mumsnet oldies who had complained that the site wasn't like it used to be (which I don't think anyone can deny even without having to make a value judgement on which was better) had been told on more than one occasion to fuck off and start our own site instead of complaining here, so we did. Well actually, Twig happened upon the already set up GF refuge forum, and e-mailed the people who had been on it and people who where on a facebook conversation at the time - it was random, and grew organically.
So whilst I do see the point of your analogy, I'd like to amend and extend it slightly. How about:
You have a group of friends, some members of that group have been in there from the beginning and they decide they don't really like some of the new group members. So one day a few of them happen to bump into each other in the private, members-only golf club. They decide it's a nicer place than the pub, and gradually mention to a few of their mates from the pub that they are now members of the golf club and they should join to. Then they realise that if they each invite too many people from the pub, the golf club will get too busy and they won't be able to play a round, so they start discussing (on a names only basis) who they would each like to invite. Bob's name is mentioned, as is Fred's and Steve's. Fred is popular and is mates with a lot of the golf club set so he gets in no problem, nobody really knows who Steve is so they say we'd rather not have him, and Algernon (an existing member) privately lets the person compiling the numbers know that he would have to leave if Bob was invited because Bob had shagged his wife. So Bob isn't invited. Other people express surprise that Bob's not there, but are told that there's a personal issue and that if Bob comes, Algernon leaves, and decide that even though Bob's a good guy, so is Algernon, and he was here first.
But they also think that they quite like the landlord of the pub and don't want to steal all his business, and let him know that they like him, but his pub's changed, and he agrees it has, but he quite likes it, especially the extra takings, but come back for a chat whenever you feel like it. They also don't want to upset Bob, especially as some of them still like him, and you never really know exactly what goes on in relationships, and Algy's wife might have had a good reason to shag around, so they decide to keep it secret.
This carries on.
Then one day the pub finds out about the golf club. The friends are hurt. Some of pub group start telling Bob that they reckon he was discussed behind his back and wasn't good enough to join the club. He doesn't know which of his friends thought this, so not only is he hurt, he's also mistrustful of those he considered friends. He ignores the fact that he slept with Algy's wife so some people might indeed have a legitimate issue with him. In fact, he's so hurt by all of it that he starts flirting with every golf club members wife, but still can't understand why anyone would possibly have a problem with him, because that's just how he is. Other people in the pub, lots of whom didn't like the stuck up old regulars anyway, weigh in to win up the situation more, and the golfers feel like they can't come back, which is a shame, because the beer was bloody good,