Childfree Mumsnetters' Board?

[musixa]

There's been some discussion on this thread about the idea of a childfree/life without children board, so I thought I would raise the suggestion on Site Stuff

[[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4811166-to-ask-why-so-many-child-free-people-are-on-mumsnet?reply=126404125

My thinking is that the board would be a safe space for Mumsnetters who, for whether by choice or making the best of the hand they've been dealt, are embracing the childfree life, to discuss the issues that uniquely affect us - some examples I can think of are discrimination when it comes to workplace holidays; planning for old age and inheritance issues, how to cope when your friendship group only want to meet in child-friendly venues; family pressure to have children.

I would also hope it might stop so many threads like the linked one popping up, which often attract goady posters.

I hope you don't feel this is a step too far as a board suggestion and will give it serious consideration.

Before I had children I didn't know what this was like really, to constantly have to put a more vulnerable person's needs first.

I know several people who don't have children but who care for their disabled siblings. And there are lots of children who are carers for their parents.

Is that the new test for allowing childless/free people on the site?

I was echoing the OPs you've had children so...

@fitzwilliamdarcy No, just pointing out a fundamental difference in lifestyle and needs.

But it’s not a fundamental difference. Because you don’t have to be a parent to experience it.

Just as not all kids have parents who actually behave like that. I didn’t, mine abused me.

People can’t be divided up in the way you think just by virtue of whether or not they’ve had a child. It’s more nuanced than that.

So why cant these go in to chat / aibu / relationships ?

I'm being worked to the bone, twenty hours a day, no holidays, being bullied by male partners, all say it's fine as my time will come WHEN I have children

I cannot go to my sister in laws baby shower because I'm having a miscarriage, she will hate me, help.

I've decided I cannot do this anymore and would like to make my peace with it. Any advice.. (this would automatically get lots of people with children commenting)

I look after my niece and nephew every day, do drop off, pick up, but mum has decided to take her new friend to sports day, is that fair?

I am on local parish council, a child protection solicitor with multiple references and disclosure checks. I was gossiped about and heard people questioning why I would want to hang about like a loner at a village family day?

@fitzwilliamdarcy All parents make the choice to put another person's needs first. They might fail abysmally, but it is the deal when you have kids. If you mess it up the consequences are catastrophic. Some people have full time caring responsibilities, but not all.

Only mums have to put up with this much shite. Form a group for any interest say cycling and you'd be laughed off for suggesting they open it to people who actively choose not to cycle. It's just ridiculous.

As soon as the mums on this thread have expressed concern they've been immediately hit with personal attacks of 'odd', small-minded' etc. You only have to read the childless by choice Reddit forums to see the amount of venom spewed at mums. Why would we invite that in?

If I ask on Mumsnet for a hotel recommendation it's because I have 5 kids and I'm looking for other family's experience. If I was childless by choice I'd look on tripadvisor and be done with it!

There is nothing here that is not replicated elsewhere on the internet. The whole premise of this forum is parenthood and mostly motherhood.

Ah. So the gate-keeping is how much time you spend caring for vulnerable people. Full-time = acceptable. Less than full-time = not acceptable.

And if were true that "[a]ll parent make the choice to put another person's needs first" then MN would not be full of complaints about fathers / partners don't do their share.

None of these are examples of things unique to childfree people though?

I'm off to a hospital app so won't comment again but I don't actually care if mn have a childfree board or not I just find it fascinating the things that people presume are unique to childfree people. Like once you have had a child you are lugging around a 1yr old and a 3yr old for the rest of your life and are nothing but 'parent' from that day forward.

@Florissante Because parenting is full time? It doesn't let up and I think parents, especially mothers, do need specific support around that. I don't object to people without children joining in discussions, but I think the focus of the site should be on mothers particularly. As OP suggests, a separate board for people without children, addressing their concerns could be useful, if well moderated. Maybe the site needs to update regarding users as well.

Just becuase the board is there doesn't mean people will only use that board. Some people might just want a space without innocuous thread titles that are actually line eye threads or people moaning about having kids and just want to talk to people that understand on particularly hard days, due dates, death dates, christmas etc.

I really don't understand why this would be such a problem for some people. just don't go on that board, or hide it ffs.

It really doesn't affect you.

Really? I dont go to that board, it doesnt appear in active or trending that I have noticed.....

Its easy to ignore

People who have chosen to be childfree and planned the whole of their adult lives in the expectation of this might well have useful, practical advice to share with people who didn't plan to be childfree and are having to adjust their expectations.

There are already spaces here for people living with the emotional impact of enforced childlessness which don't need to be duplicated, but there are other impacts are common to all those without children, regardless of how they arrived in that position.

I read 1 as being the age old “you have to work the holidays/cover parents but you’ll get your turn when you have kids”. If you don’t ever intend to or can’t have kids then this is an experience that’s different than if you do.

I read 3 as being “I can’t deal with endless rounds of IVF and just want to stop and be at peace”, which inevitably attracts loads of people giving advice on how they managed to conceive and/or parents suggesting adopting. Again, this experience is different for those who won’t ever have kids to those who struggled to have them but did have them.

I read 4 as being the age old “why is that single adult around kids if they don’t have one, they must have weird intentions”. Happens to almost all men but some women. Does not happen to parents with their kids at the place where kids are. Again, exclusive to those without.

All of these could go in AIBU but I can see why childless/free posters would rather have their own board where they can hear from others in their position rather than parents justifying not working holidays, recommending conception techniques and saying that you really shouldn’t be at an event for kids if you don’t have one and it’s not weird for mums to be protective of their kids, you’ll understand when you have them etc etc etc.

*Last one should be 5, not 4.

Then people can ignore a child free one too instead of getting worked up and suggest it undermines the entire premise of the site 🥴

I'm no children not by choice and I have been told multiple times on MN that Im not welcome here, that I must be grooming my nephew if look after him, that it takes a village to raise a child but people without children aren't welcome in that village, that anyone who couldn't have children offering to babysit must be wanting to sexually assault the children etc etc etc

It's all very well posters saying there is an infertility board but that's normally focused around people trying to conceive who have fertility issues. It's not really the right place for people like me who are 8 years past that stage.

And it would be really nice to have a place where people struggling to come to terms with not having children could have a thread where they talk about things they can do to cope with it and it didn't immediately descend into "my aunties cousins nephews sister had a baby after going on holiday so there's still hope" to a poster who has just had a hysterectomy. And sometimes when people talk about the positives of not having children, to help people come to terms with it you get accused of being a child hater, or a parent basher.

exactly, this is call mumsnet for a reason. if you don't have children (for any reason) just use aaaaaallll the forums which are not for mums??

Agree @Catchasingmewithspiders. I’m a weird hybrid as I was probably always childfree but I’m also infertile (hysterectomy). The two experiences overlap as you still grieve the absence of choice, I suppose. And it’d be nice to talk about that without it always coming back to how childless people should be grateful because they have so much money and time to themselves.

I literally had someone argue with me on a thread about childlessness that I had to be absolutely minted because unlike her I didn’t have 3 kids. After I’d posted twice saying that no, I really do struggle to afford to live because one salary doesn’t always get you very far even if you don’t have kids. She ended up telling me that at least my money was “all for me”. Please tell the mortgage company, water company, electricity company, supermarket etc that?!?!

Just bizarre.

The vast majority of threads on MN that aren’t on the parenting board have nothing to do with being a mum though.

This is why I’d prefer a site rebrand to a board. You’re never going to get away from people going “haha it’s called MUMsnet!!!!”

Has some sort of message gone out to get all the 'but you don't have kids, why are you even ON MN, isn't Reddit better for you?' posters on one thread?

Step parents get targeted a lot on the step parenting board, as an example

So maybe you can answer the question I've asked people several times on MN and never received an answer to.

If I should not be on MN because I don't have children how soon after I had a miscarriage was I supposed to deregister

Because there are conception, infertility and adoption boards on here and no one says they are for second child conception. So there is a general acceptance that people who are trying to become parents are welcome

So how long after my miscarriage was I allowed before I was supposed to de register?