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Original poster

A typical mumsnet debate???

132 replies

tiktok · 27/04/2007 12:10

Anyone recognise the shape of a thread (I am omitting details)

OP: I am doing something with my child that is not what planned to do, but it is something I have ended up doing because of circumstances. Now, I feel like a rubbish mother because it is not what other people say I ought to do. Please, is there anyone with experience who can tell me it's ok to be doing this?

Various posters: Yes, it's fine, I did this and my kids are wonderful and everything in my garden is rosy. Don't listen to people who tell you not to do this thing.

Other various posters: What you do is your own business, and of course you are not rubbish, and many people have been in that situation. But you should know that if you continue doing what you are doing, XYZ might happen. If you are fine about XYZ happening, then of course that's ok. But from your post, it appears as if XYZ is not what you wanted to happen.

Other other various posters: Bish Bash Bosh! The OP doesn't want to know all that! She wants fluffy kittens and lovely stuff! You are all very smug! Bish Bash Bosh! And anyway, XYZ didn't happen to me!

Other various posters again: But the OP is not the only one reading this - she needs to know about XYZ, and so do other people who come on here and lurk, now and in the future.

Other other other various posters: You are being horrible to the OP - she wants fluffy kittens and starlight, with added chocolate! And sugar sprinkles!

OP: some of you are horrible, and I didn't want this horrible argument....it's made me feel worse.

Other various posters again: oh dear....this is the internet and these things happen. Soz.

Other other other various posters : See what you have done with your decision to withhold the fluffyness?? Yah boo nasty smug people !

OP posts:
Original poster
tiktok · 27/04/2007 13:11

Thanks, Cash.

I am (usually) only ever snippy on Mumsnet when I am being snipped to...just like in RL. Or if someone is spinning a load of pompous ill-informed bullshit, when they get what they deserve

I was asked which planet I was on, and accused of doing something in someone's imagination 40 years ago (!), which was a bit odd, and both of those comments needed a come-back.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiktok · 27/04/2007 13:12

at lulu - you;re right, too many hours!!

OP posts:
lulumama · 27/04/2007 13:13

c'mon, am dying for a group hug !! LOL!

Dimpled · 27/04/2007 13:17

tik - have no idea which thread inspiried this but seems pretty spot on to me - oh you need a bit where someone flounced.

And with that I have had enough of mumsnet bullies and bitches. I am off to another forum where my thighs are appreicated - boo sucks to you all!

(oh and then someone usually complains about swearing.)

GColdtimer · 27/04/2007 13:51

Well, seeing as I contributed and probably fired up the original debate I just wanted to put my twopenneth on here. The way I see it is like this:

OP asked if anyone else had had this (mixed feeding) experience and if they could give her some reassurance as she was being made to feel guilty.

Fluffliness (and given her situation was the right thing to give), shared experiences and support was given alongside some very sound advice from the likes of tiktok which I think she took on board. No offence taken at this point.

She then reassured everyone that if bf stopped then that was fine by her.

That really should have been the end of the story imo but it wasn't.

The debate continued, alongside comments like "why someone would choose to feed their baby inferior milk is beyond me" etc, etc. I think that is when it should have stopped and moved onto another thread imo because it certainly wasn't going to help the op when advice had been taken and acknowledged.

wildwoman · 27/04/2007 14:04

I know I can't but I am retracting my statement. I really admire the time and effort MNers like tiktok spend on helping people here so I appologise if my last post sounded bad. I am sooo over sensitive about the feeding debate in general becuase of my own experiences and jumped to conclusions. I am going to stay away from those threads until I can read them without tears welling up feel free to kick me off one if you spot me hanging around!

Ladymuck · 27/04/2007 14:09

But the google search thing seems to be a bit of a red herring on ff v bf? There are thousands of sites on those issues (many of which I suspect hire firms in order to be futher up the rankings on those topics) and I've certainly struggled to get a google search on the topic of mixed or formula feeding that gets a MN reference in the first 50. Admittedly I now understand why certain posters seem to constantly bang a drum about certain issues if they are always looking to address a significantly wider audience than the OP. But if that is the aim it might be eaiser in the context of a thread for them to note to the others on that thread that that is what they are doing. Yes MN is top of google searches for many things, but not for this topic.

And in terms of Tiktok's analogy that if a poster asks for support on the best way of beating their child, then I agree that this is an example where posters will go further than advising on the choice of tool. But child-beating is very different from infant feeding.

Original poster
tiktok · 27/04/2007 14:47

Thanks, wildwoman....I think being sensitive does lead people to see things that are really not there (like you said the OP was given the ins and outs of mixed feeding and that people tried to make her go back to excl bf....and none of that was there!!) and there is a real tendency to read between the lines.

It's 'cos feeding is so emotional.

But that shdn't stop careful and sensitive info-sharing.

OP posts:
GColdtimer · 27/04/2007 14:53

It is emotional and I think very easy to forget how sensitive you are in those first fragile weeks as a new Mum, without having gone through what the op had gone through in this particular post.

My dp doesn't know who cried more in the first 6 weeks, me or the babe! I was utterly obsessed with bf and would talk to anyone and everyone about their experiences (dp said my obsession with breasts was worse than a teenage boys). I do look back now though and wish I could have relaxed about it all a bit more (and ironically bf might then have worked!).

I think all of that is easy to forget in the midst of offering practical, sensible, supportive but perhaps not always welcome, advice.

wildwoman · 27/04/2007 14:54

OH phew I thought you were ignoring me! Thank you for understanding.

FiveFingeredFiend · 27/04/2007 14:55

Your all being horrible mumsnet is full of quiches these days

wildwoman · 27/04/2007 14:55

lol

Cloudhopper · 27/04/2007 14:57

FWIW tiktok, I have seen the thread, although didn't dare post on it. I think it was a very unfortunate turn of events, and I don't think you did anything wrong.

I'm not part of any clique but I hope this doesn't stop you from posting your very lovely and well-meaning advice.

Enough arse-kissing now, or I will get a name for myself.

Original poster
tiktok · 27/04/2007 14:58

Fluffy quichies with chocolate and sugar sprinkles???

OP posts:
Original poster
tiktok · 27/04/2007 14:58

My arse is numb from your kissing, cloud......

OP posts:
Cloudhopper · 27/04/2007 15:00

Oh Christ, I thought I had learnt my lesson about being too obsequious.

Wotzsaname · 27/04/2007 17:14

tiktok, you probably didn't feel that last kiss from me then?
FFF I like a nice quiche, not too eggy!

AitchTwoOh · 27/04/2007 18:02

pmsl to note that if you google 'mum advice mixed feeding' you get my blog whinging about how rubbish i was...

ladymuck i think that to expect every poster to check google before posting The Truth about an issue while being mindful of the OP's state of mind is a bit much. i definitely found MN through google and it was around the time when my bfing was failing and i was looking into weaning, so i am definitely aware that on most issues threads from MN will come up. and i very often went through more than 50 googled pages, such was my tearful obsession with the subject. which you can read all about on my blog, arf, arf...
neither the OP nor anyone offering support was doing anything contentious on that thread. truth is, some people came along and took the opportunity to work out some of their own issues regarding the well worn bf v ff debate and that's when things went, if you'll pardon the expression, tits up.

AitchTwoOh · 27/04/2007 18:04

and twofalls, having been through the same thing as you, i am ever mindful that the issue is a sensitive one. i actually did mix feed and late ff, but i wish someone had been more explicit with me about the fact that i could not expect to formula feed indefinitely. sorry to hear that you had a grim time, it is the pits, isn't it?

Original poster
tiktok · 27/04/2007 18:22

Aitch, you mean 'breastfeed indefinitely', I think

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 27/04/2007 18:27

LOL, yes tiktok.

Califrau · 27/04/2007 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GColdtimer · 27/04/2007 20:01

Thanks Aitch, yes it really is the pits and I remember all those horrible feelings all too clearly. I did have loads of advice (bf counsellor nearly started paying us rent) but it just didn't work out for us and I remember feeling so wretched. One year one, although I would have dearly loved to have done it, I do wish I hadn't given myself such a hard time and just gone with enjoying my little girl (which in a clumsy was is the point I was trying to make originally).

I read your blog by the way and was so relieved to find some other ff BLW-ers and to know that I wasn't alone!

AitchTwoOh · 27/04/2007 20:08

there are LOADS of us, twofalls! we're just not allowed to talk about it...

Rosylily · 28/04/2007 15:03

Well I was noseying at that thread because I was wondering about the pros and cons of using a bit of formula because I hate expressing, it's a drag. I had to wade through a bit but I got the info I needed and I'm glad it was there. (going to persevere with expressing)