A typical mumsnet debate???

[tiktok]

Anyone recognise the shape of a thread (I am omitting details)

OP: I am doing something with my child that is not what planned to do, but it is something I have ended up doing because of circumstances. Now, I feel like a rubbish mother because it is not what other people say I ought to do. Please, is there anyone with experience who can tell me it's ok to be doing this?

Various posters: Yes, it's fine, I did this and my kids are wonderful and everything in my garden is rosy. Don't listen to people who tell you not to do this thing.

Other various posters: What you do is your own business, and of course you are not rubbish, and many people have been in that situation. But you should know that if you continue doing what you are doing, XYZ might happen. If you are fine about XYZ happening, then of course that's ok. But from your post, it appears as if XYZ is not what you wanted to happen.

Other other various posters: Bish Bash Bosh! The OP doesn't want to know all that! She wants fluffy kittens and lovely stuff! You are all very smug! Bish Bash Bosh! And anyway, XYZ didn't happen to me!

Other various posters again: But the OP is not the only one reading this - she needs to know about XYZ, and so do other people who come on here and lurk, now and in the future.

Other other other various posters: You are being horrible to the OP - she wants fluffy kittens and starlight, with added chocolate! And sugar sprinkles!

OP: some of you are horrible, and I didn't want this horrible argument....it's made me feel worse.

Other various posters again: oh dear....this is the internet and these things happen. Soz.

Other other other various posters : See what you have done with your decision to withhold the fluffyness?? Yah boo nasty smug people !

You accused me of 'subtle slagging off', Fio....not an attack on my views, or especially personal, I agree, and perhaps just one of the 'haphazard' comments you say you are prone to, so best forgotten now, I think

Tiktok, I am always struck by the warmth of your posts, they are full of compassion and understanding. On the very rare occasions you have had to take issue with a poster it has been because they have made incorrect assertions that would be misleading, and you have still responded with grace and humour. You give so much of your time to help others, and you should know how appreciated it is. Mumsnet is not a yes man club. People who post on here will get different viewpoints, and that is to the credit of MN and the intelligent ladies who use it . Adults should be able to hear all views/information. If you are in such a delicate state that you only want to hear fluffyness and kittens then you should not post on an internet forum, IMO.

But in some threads we actually learn something too

Thanks, Cazee....I think it's in the nature of an open forum that you don't always get what you wanted, you're right, but I feel a bit when people get upset about what they read, especially when no one has actually been nasty, or intending to be nasty. Sensitive and vulnerable people do take things v. personally - it helps if they remember 'it's just the internet' but when you're in the middle of a problem, or not used to forums, you don't think that way.

That thread wasn;t about someone being "oversensitive" though was it. I do think there's a "right audience" idea, and that it makes sense to try and live by that online as well as in RL. It is harder online as you don't have someone's situation but there are threads that I don't go on and post the real world view because I know its not appropriate or helpful for the person in that position. I've learned that the hard way. If someone has posted very clear reasons for being vulnerable, then I think a bit of empathy can go a long long way.

I do agree in part with what the "you have to give them the facts camp" are saying but on the other hand I do think it is somehow belittling someone's feelings to talk of care and empathy and fluffiness and kittens. In this particular case the OP had been through and awful time - a stillborn baby and a miscarriage in a year and imo what she needed to hear (after the warnings about mixed feeding were taken on board and acknowledged) was "enjoy your baby and try to stop worrying". I don't think this amounts to fluffiness to be honest. It probably comes down to balance and I think in this case the balance was wrong.

But the op didn't title her thread "I have had a terrible time, finally have a beautiful daughter, may ff her, am I doing ok?", rather the title implied she wanted to mix feed, and didn't understand why there was "pressure" to bf exclusively. I have just now read the whole thread, and I don't see a single post that said anything negative about her at all. Lots of warmth and compassion, but facts were shared.

twofalls, I don't want to disparage people who offer support - the 'fluffy kittens' gibe shd not be taken too seriously, and I did bring it over here, rather than continue on that thread, in case people were further upset by it.

The OP got a ton of support, and no one was to know that she would get upset by the way the discussion went when it was not directed at her, and we had no way of knowing she would be really very upset by the term 'OP'....when it became clear this was the case, I bowed out, and so did others.

The thread is still going on, and I will not return....even though someone is making a plea for information about how to mix feed successfully - and saying the thread made her feel she was doing something wrong. She does need to know what is doing may have an impact on her milk supply - maybe someone can go and explain?

Perhaps some people with very strong views need to moderate their posts so that they don't appear quite as patronising and superior?

Whose op?

Ps imho thedogsbollox post was thedogsbollox so to speak.

You are right Cazee, but my point is that at the first point she came back and said, this is upsetting me (don't you remember that ultra sensitive time when even when there is no criticism, any implied criticism can send you over the edge) the debate regrettably continued down a ff vs bf route and actually intensified. I don't think it was helpful at that point. But I have said that just once or twice before so will stop saying it now!

And Mahmai, spot on. I just wish I had thought of that line when are I agreed with her earlier

I think a lot of the "problems" arose with that particular post because, IMO, the thread title and the opening paragraph conveyed slightly different messages. A lot of the answers referred directly to the thread title, but I think reading between the lines of the opening paragraph, the OP was merely looking for some support to validate her position.
Moral of the story? Choose your thread title carefully!
To answer your original point Tiktok, you have described a very typical thread pattern. I've seen similar in many topic areas - it often puts me off adding my bit.

fortyplus, to whom are you referring?

Hmmm...but if someone says mixed feeding is suiting them fine, and they are doing something that will not permit mixed feeding to continue, the in the main gentle and sensitive posts which pointed this out were entirely justfied....surely?

The posts - mine included - which pointed this out were careful to say 'it's your choice, you may not feel this is an issue, but if you do etc etc etc' The debate then went off in a typical way....

Fortyplus, do you mean me when you suggest I moderate my posts? It's hard to tell when you refer to 'some people'! If so, can you give me an example of when I am patronising and superior...genuine request. I am a stickler for trying to say the right thing in the right way.

you know that it wasn't a bottle at night or anything? the baby was four weeks old (bfing not fully established until around six weeks) and the OP was doing one bottle formula, then one bf. she said she was happy with mix feeding and wanted to keep doing it, and all that myself and others were doing was saying was that wouldn't be possible, really.

i agree that the ocnvesation should have stopped or moved when the OP said she was happy for her bfing to stop, but that needed to be ascertained first, surely?

had one of the people with 'strong opinions' said 'look, if your child is so precious to you then why aren't you making the effort to bf, given that it's the best food for her?' then i could see your point but no-one siad anything like that.

there was some unfortunate talk of 'inferior' food, which wasn't ideal although by that time not remotely aimed at the OP, but the posts were overwhelmingly supportive to her choices. even Moondog said that she should do exaclty what she wanted and to enjoy her baby, fgs.

You are right Aitch, she did. Perhaps that says it all?

But what she wanted to do wass mixed feeding, twofalls.

She was more than halfway down the road to having that choice disappear.

We all said she should do what she wanted! Once she said she didn;t mind fully ff, no one told her what to do at all - and that included me!

tiktok, I was conceding the point that even moondog sent hugs and kisses

couldn't agree more, fio. do you know what, though, i always think of that sort of thing (starting a new thread, drawing a line etc) as being done by one of the old hands here rather than a relative newbie like myself so it kind of wouldn't enter my head to do it, iykwim? it seems like one of the things a prefect would do, not a general duffer like myself.

I know, twofalls....and I was saying it didn't 'say it all'

No it doesn't say it all at all. I was just being flippant and it was an entirely pointless post. Blame it on the 3 nights of no sleep due to very poorly baby.

OK - hope your baby gets better soon