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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

"MI5 should recruit from Mumsnet..."

278 replies

KateMumsnet · 05/03/2015 10:48

Hello all

There's a rather fabulous story in the news today, which suggests that the security services could benefit from MNers' skills. What do you think - time for us to make a [false beard] emoticon?

OP posts:
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5
ipadmad · 05/03/2015 21:49

I think I'd be fantastic in the Intelligence Services and it would be my dream career. But sadly I've applied several times and been rejected - of course you never get feedback as to why. They don't know what they are missing!

WyrdByrd · 05/03/2015 21:50

Well, I'm up for it, especially if shagging Lucas North is a perk of the job! Grin

iklboo · 05/03/2015 21:51

AND I love poring over paperwork. If I'd have known it existed as a career when I was younger I'd have wanted a job in Forensic Documents.

2lol2lol · 05/03/2015 21:53

I'd crack under pressure after about 30 seconds.
I am about to get National Security Vetting, though (honest). So I could be fast-tracked on that part at least.

lavenderhoney · 05/03/2015 21:57

Ooh, I'd like to be a spy! I love all the smiley stuff:)

I have lots of practice already working at big corporates and all the political manoeuvring and having to get info out of people at all levels for my various bosses who were planning a revolution:) whilst appearing to be causally making tea:) or drinking cocktails:) I also don't mind looking incredibly blond and stupid for the cause. People think you can't possibky undertand and spill like anything:) it was just the same at baby and toddler groups and now of course, at the school gates:)

I can run miles, love technology, climb, shoot with bows and arrows ( ahem) and speak a couple of languages, plus I'm very good at cleaning up sick, and all my times tables, dressing up as a fairy etc and making up stories to amuse dc.

Where do I sign? Awaits knock at door from people in Burberry macs:)

BoffinMum · 05/03/2015 22:52

I would make a hopeless spy. I turn maps around to work out which direction to go in, I have a hurty food which would make it a bit tricky to track people around the globe, and I am scared of heights and big forrin blokes waving fists at me whilst saying things I don't understand.

On the other hand, I have excellent nerd knowledge on the difficulties of dealing with the kind of data collected by MQ-9 reaper drones (20 laptops' worth of data on one mission, people of MN, can you believe that?) and like many on here, I could probably come up with a nifty way of cataloguing the different data types and analysing the sound to noise ratio of the raw data in a drone if they left me with a pencil, a mathematician and a packet of hob nobs. Simples.

However I reckon the reason they need Mnetters is because we are great at being woken up in the night unexpectedly, and forcing our bodies into bizarre and contorted stress positions whilst freezing cold as we seek to persuade the reluctant to co-operate in the middle of the night. We are also good at lying brazenly, as evidenced by our adherence to the Tooth Fairy and Father Christmas protocols, and the defence of our sex lives when caught red-handed. We frequently have big bras to hide things down, and the foreign travel would be very appealing as this would mean nights away from home and frankly more sleep than we are used to, even on stake outs. Finally, our ability to sniff a house and know if something unorthodox or illegal has happened is second to none. Seriously, if we took over SIS we'd have world peace sorted in a raising of a parental eyebrow. You all know I am right.

shadow43 · 05/03/2015 23:14

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shadow43 · 05/03/2015 23:21

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BigChocFrenzy · 05/03/2015 23:53

I'd like to join their heavy mob Grin I box and lift heavy barbells, so I'm very scary.
I could be an interrogator too I love leather and handcuffs

shadow43 · 06/03/2015 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mujahijimmydean · 06/03/2015 00:18

I am your Hippo Butt- plus.google.com/u/0/110225901808689687772/posts

"MI5 should recruit from Mumsnet..."
RonaldMcDonald · 06/03/2015 00:27

I had a wonderful time at the seaside
Please thank uncle for inviting me.

redrubyindigo · 06/03/2015 00:30

I once met an ex MI5 agent he said he spent days sitting in van and peeing in a bucket whilst watching an empty house. Not glamorous.

Lweji · 06/03/2015 00:31

Did you believe him? Wink

redrubyindigo · 06/03/2015 00:35

Yep. I think so. I worked in an occupation not related in any way to spying or MI5 but needed security clearance.

AWholeLottaNosy · 06/03/2015 00:36

Hillarious thread!

And here's an article in The Guardian about it. With lots of quotes from some of you in it...

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/mar/05/mumsnet-james-bond-security-services-middle-aged-women

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 06/03/2015 02:27

Dear MI6,
Look no further. After rearing three children I am highly skilled in intelligence gathering. I'm very good at finding missing things. I can withstand sleep deprivation and noise torture. My time raising toddlers has given me extensive practical experience in negotiating with terrorists and unreasonable dictators. I have proven abilities in persuasion and manipulation - I have convinced a three year old to eat salmon because it was "pink fairy fish." I have amazingly quick reflexes, I can catch a glass of cordial as it is knocked over without a drop being spilled. I am fluent in many languages; baby babble, txtspk, teen girl OMG and adolescent grunt.
I am calm and clear headed during times of great stress, even the Game of Thrones Red Wedding.
PM me if you'd like to discuss further. I can be very flexible with regards to working hours, except on Tuesday afternoons as it is early pick up at school.
Sweary (or is it…)

knotswapper · 06/03/2015 03:05

Well I'm already overseas and working for another country's government (don't ask how I managed that ).

And I know cryptography. It's almost too perfect.

Thumbwitch · 06/03/2015 04:43

Nothing to see here either...

sportinguista · 06/03/2015 07:27

Saw this is on Sky News this morning they were quoting MN!

I have excellent powers of persuasion, You will eat dinner, or get it served up for breakfastGrin.

I can run in high heels, I used to do Ninjitsu and Kung Fu (although the high kicks might be slightly more challenging these days). I am implacable in the face of attempts to sway my decisions (I tend to go with " tough" repeated until persuader gives up. I can keep secrets mainly because they will be forgotten in the face of planning what to have for tea. Powers of deduction, I can usually figure out what's gone on even in face of complete denial. Finding lost items ditto. Honeypot, well I used to be pretty persuasive, DH certainly finds resistance is futile! Listening, I can appear to not be listening but don't be deceived!

On the downside, can't run as fast as I used to, would need to lose weight before leather cat suits were mentioned. Do look very distinctive, think bright red hair and facial piercings. I am middle aged though...

TwinkleThis · 06/03/2015 08:16

Bloody hell. Nine pages.

Nine pages and not one of you has mentioned becoming Miss Mummypenny?

Osmiornica · 06/03/2015 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImADonkeyOnTheEdge · 06/03/2015 08:45

Sign me up!

I've done more than my fair share of incognito work and my powers of deduction are as sharp as ever. I can tell when someone is lying a mile off and I am never wrong. My powers of persuasion are unparalleled AND I have firearms experience.

I would need Friday nights off mind, as I'd hate to miss Gardeners World!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/03/2015 08:46

I've seriously always wanted to be a spy. Not the James Bond, abseiling off buildings with a knife in your teeth type, but the 'Ruth Evershed', code-breaking, back-room intellectual type.

Miggsie · 06/03/2015 08:53

I quite like the idea - being a middle aged woman makes you invisible in society - brilliant for surveillance.