What are your top tips for dads going on paternity leave?

[RowanMumsnet]

Hello

As you may know, the government recently announced plans for shaking up parental leave, with a new system of shared parental leave coming into force for those whose babies are born after April 2015. You can find more details about that here and here.

In the light of this, the Department for Business, Industry and Skills are looking to compile information for fathers who take paternity leave.

How do you approach being at home on your own with an infant, or with a baby and older siblings? Does it affect your sense of self, your approach to your career? How do you approach things with your employer, and - if you intend to go back to work - what things can you do (or ask for) that help to make sure that your career doesn't stall or suffer? What support do you need from the other people in your life, and what arrangements can you make (long term and day-to-day) that mean you get the most out of the time? And just how do you identify the best baby-and-toddler groups?

Thanks
MNHQ

honeydragon

My DH runs his own small business . He didn't take any time off when our two were born because he quite simply could not. If your DH was in the same boat then don't feel bad. Sometimes that is just what has to happen.

My DH couldn't even take weekends .

If you are able to enjoy paternity leave you are very, very lucky.

like you we were fine with the situation, it was what it was, just others opinions that grated.

I think PL is marvellous, but just like ML people shouldn't judge you if you don't take the lot, go straight back of don't take it at all

MrsHathaway DW woke the first night when DS cried and so did I. He was already being ff - that had never been an issue, health reasons - and I got up. She got up too and I told her to get back to bed and I would see to ihim.

When I got back, job done, DS asleep, she asked me if he was all right and I said Yes, why wouldn't he be? and she went off to sleep, or pretended to, because a few minutes later she got up - and now I pretended to be asleep - to see for herself that he was in fact just fine.

And after that, having accepted that I was capable of doing all that was required, she either slept through his crying, my getting up, and my coming back to bed, or put up a phenomenally convincing pretence.

And from six weeks he slept through - which I am well aware is very young indeed, I can always make other parents envious with that - and never woke us at night again. Getting him up in the morning, that could be an issue down the road, but I guess that applies to all children.

Happy days, thirty years ago . . .

Beta

One if my "school friends" was a SAHD, we'd often take our boys out together and sometimes have coffee and breakfast, after school drop off. Some of the mums were really judgey about it with me. Despite the fact that his WOHM dp was a drinking buddy and they'd see us out together often as well.

six weeks

Honeydragon - "we'd often take our boys out together and sometimes have coffee and breakfast, after school drop off".

I bet that got tongues wagging.

Bless her - sounds like what I expect I'd have done. Maybe the hyper-alertness is a bf thing.

Sorry Penguins

Yes, it did, our cosy chats of Danishes pastries bitching about the Alpha mums and gossiping about the PTA had all the makings of a sordid affair.

It did depress me that only a few other parents would join us, but most wouldn't because they judged the family set up they had.

Whilst I think it's fantastic that men are being encouraged and given the time to take paternity leave - I really, really, really, genuinely and honestly do - I am very, very, very genuinely and honestly irritated by this:

Does it affect your sense of self, your approach to your career? How do you approach things with your employer, and - if you intend to go back to work - what things can you do (or ask for) that help to make sure that your career doesn't stall or suffer? What support do you need from the other people in your life, and what arrangements can you make (long term and day-to-day) that mean you get the most out of the time?

I wonder how much hand-wringing the Department for Business, Industry and Skills does about women who leave their jobs to go on maternity leave?

BIWI

WTAF?

But unless I have got it wrong what you are quoting is from MNHQ, not from BIS, isn't it?

How do you approach being at home on your own with an infant, or with a baby and older siblings?

Dh just does the same as any woman, if not better. He looks after three children really well, and doesnt find it particularly taxing. He prefers it to working

Does it affect your sense of self, your approach to your career?

Dh isnt bothered about work really as it is a means to an end to him.

How do you approach things with your employer, and - if you intend to go back to work - what things can you do (or ask for) that help to make sure that your career doesn't stall or suffer?

He was going to take paternity but it hadnt came in at the time so he quit his job. He does full time care and I returned at 2 weeks.

What support do you need from the other people in your life, and what arrangements can you make (long term and day-to-day) that mean you get the most out of the time?

DH has no family help. He meets up with other dads and their children, especially one of his closest friends, and they take the children places in the day.

And just how do you identify the best baby-and-toddler groups?

No big deal to him. He attends soft play coffee mornings and that type of thing. He is rarely the only man.

Other stuff?

Nobody I have encountered thought it was strange. Dh has never been treated as he is incompetent, butI think it is because he is really good at parenting so noone doubts him. I would say there are times he is bound to be tidier than me, and I take that in to consideration. We started young so birth didnt effect me much and I definitely dont agree this would automatically make me more tired. I easily sleep when the newborn is, why wouldnt I? Same as having a baby hasnt made me incapable of working, going on nights out, going away with my friends or anything else. I had children, I am not dead Nearly all previous posts I disagree with when thinking of our family Dh never worries about money or being the breadwinner, it isnt the 50s!

He has lots of friends, and lots of people to hang around with but he is very social. We hang around with a lot of the people we always did and neither of us are baby bores, or ever had a conversation on nappy types or whatever you here people discussing on here. We just discuss going out, people we know, different takes on issues and stories in the media. Just the usual as you do with your friends.

Sorry for long post, but I cant abide the lazy stereotype of disinterested, incompetent dad, and baby obsessed martyr mother.

I am laughing at the idea that Mrshathaway believes women cant sleep through their babies cries. Of course they can if dad is on charge, cause you just switch off.

Andrew - yes I'm quoting from MNHQ. But this thread reflects what they the Dept of BIS is asking. If it's just MNHQ who are choosing these questions, then it's even worse.

cream I never could. I can't sleep through any noise DC1 makes, even now that he's well into school.

Besides, we were talking about newborns and I corrected to bf mothers. Weird hormonal shit goes on in a bf mother's body when a newborn cries.

I breastfed for 9 months with middle dc. Slept like a log on my nights off. I needed it!

Fair enough; my mistake.

Some new mothers can struggle to sleep through their newborns' crying.

Reading this with interest as we're looking at splitting leave (I'm taking 6 months, then DH will take 3, and then from there I have no real clue).

It's tricky trying to work out where we stand because the new changes coming in are good, but neither of our employers have a bloody clue! I had someone from HR this week tell me they're still finalising everything and to bear with them. DH's employer is the same. It's incredibly frustrating because his employer has an excellent maternity package, whereas mine is just legal minimum, so if we knew what his employer was going to offer we could plan things a lot better.

(And these aren't small companies either, we're talking a national company in my case, and a multinational in his.)

...sorry to go off track!

Maybe do a "class" instead of a toddler group, if you are worried about unfriendliness. Gives it a bit more shape.

NCT to make friends beforehand.

There are Facebook groups for local parents springing up everywhere - use them to find other dads on pat leave or SAHDs. And don't worry if initially you think when you meet them that you have nothing in common. You think all the mums at the school date would hang out together if all other things are equal? It's about making the effort to build a relationship because you're in this situation together...

And do get out to groups or the walls will start to close in on you...

Morebeta, that makes me feel so sad as I really enjoyed my mat leave.

NCT for friends is a good idea for dads.

Go to lots of baby groups once, just to try them out and see which one you like.

Expect work to totally forget you've been rather busy doing other things lately, and may still have very disturbed nights. They were so glad to see me back they piled on the work.

By the way, I am the mum and breastfed on demand for the first 6 months. I never ever had a night off, but from day one often slept through my baby crying. I relied on my husband to wake me. I'm a deep sleeper and was exceptionally tired.

DH took additional paternity leave. It was fabulous.

He found classes (music, swimming, Gymboree) better than drop in groups for social stuff, but our NCT group was also immediately and very openly welcoming to him at the weekly meetups which he enjoyed. And they did a lot of outings - including lots of lunches with DH's friends in town where he could catch up with friends and show off his baby.

I think we're both better parents for the experience.

Hahaha at the man 'worrying about being the breadwinner'. Really? Why do you assume the man is the 'breadwinner'?

I'm looking forward to some patronising guidance from BIS next year.

Anyway, fwiw, DP went back to work a month ago after 5 months Additional Paternity Leave. He enjoyed it about as much as I enjoyed maternity leave (which is to say, ups and downs).

The groups thing is a fallacy I think, or is in our corner of not very metropolitan S London. DP went regularly to a singing group, and 2 playgroup sessions a week, and always found someone to chat to and there were always a few dads too. My NCT group also hung out with him, and not just charitably either. I suspect the more 'bumps to ones' style groups would have been a bit more tricky, but those tend to focus on the birth/newborn bit anyway.

Everything else- exactly the same as it is for women on maternity leave. Why wouldn't it be?