Partner wants me to sleep with other men

[randomanon2]

I am F (45) and my partner M (39), only pays me any attention or affection when we talk about his fetish. He wants me to sleep with other men and even fall in love with them! We have been together for 15 years and have children. He never shows any affection and we just have a relationship where it feels like we’re friends. I don’t want this, I have spoken to him about it and he tells me it’s because he fancies me so much and it turns him on, the thought of him being jealous. I just don’t feel happy or content in a relationship which solely seems to rely on his fetishes. How would others feel about this? Thanks.

I'm broadminded. It's a no. Straight red. He's coercing you.

I just don’t feel happy or content

I would do something to make myself feel happy and content, like ditch him @randomanon2

I wouldn’t mind as much if he bothered with me when he’s not talking about the thing. He pays me no attention unless there’s conversation about other men. Makes me feel used and unwanted.

If I asked my wife to sleep with other men for my own gratification, I know that it would be the instantaneous end of our marriage - which seems an entirely reasonable reaction.

Listen to this,
https://www.bbc.com/audio/play/p0ns3q5d

Well I'm sorry this is happening to you. My husband actually had the exact same thing and it took several years for him to actually say that he wanted me to be with someone else. However he went about it differently and was never forceful and almost felt shame about it. I did end up going through with it and it was v enjoyable, hubby was also delighted. I know it's not something many people would consider but hubby let me make all the decisions with some slight guidance about what he liked.

Indulge him!
But under your conditions
Book yourself a spa day don’t tell him that,
Tell him you’ve found someone who you think is discreet & suitable,

oh & you’ll need money for a hotel room to meet your potential lover, (that’ll cover the spa day.

and you’ll need a new dress, shoes, lingerie and a hair do so obviously he’s got to provide for that,

and of course if your doing this for him he has to do something for you! A list of chores you want carrying out whilst your spending quality time with your new lover (spa) plus the house needs a good bottoming before you leave doesn’t it?

I feel you could be visiting your lover frequently!!

She's just said she doesn't want to. What is wrong with you?

She is saying to indulge him but just go to the spa alone and have a nice day out

I've never understood why anyone wants the person they love to have sex with someone else. Yes, I know there are people who do and I've heard all the reasons. I still don't understand. As a man once said to me though, it's about "seeing his woman be a slut". The other one was "if my wife is having sex with me it's because she loves me. If she's having sex with another man it's just about sex"

IMO that's a pretty good indicator that men only see women as sexual objects.

I felt the same as you for a long time, but husband explained to me that is wasn't about me being a slut etc but how he loves the idea of seeing me be pleased and he gets off on my pleasure

That's what he said to get you to do it.

He didn't get me to do anything, I decided myself. He helped me to understand from his point of view what he liked and how it would make him feel

Firstly, just because your husband has a cuckolding fantasy, that is NOT the same as coercion and it's not the same as swinging. Nothing you have said is indicative of anything orher than fetish.

If you don't like the idea, don't do it. And if you don't like how him talking about it makes you feel, he needs to know. How he responds to that is what should make the difference.

If you don't feel you're getting the affection you need, that's a seperate issue, and merits a measured conversation with him. If affection is transactional for him, you have to decide whether that works for you.

Or it could be "if I frame it in such a way... I'll tell her it's all about her pleasure and she might do it". You've no idea if he's actually thinking about you being 'a slut' in that moment.

You enjoyed it. Good for you. It just isn't for me - in a relationship I only want the person I'm with. I don’t want to have sex with others. Nor do I want my partner fucking someone else. Each to their own.

Complely agree and I'm definitely not the norm. Everyone should do what they want in their relationships as long as both are on board

Seriously???

Yeah why not?
he’s trying to use her, use him and treat herself to a lovely day out, just let him think it’s something else lol

Instead of setting boundaries and ending the relationship if they are not aligned your advice is to lead him on playing games, taking headspace and eating her time and energy???

And when she lead him on this time I guess you assume he will stop right? No that's just the beginning, the boundaries will continue to be pushed and pushed so your advice is to spend the next few years of her life leading him along, pretending, playing games instead of standing up for herself and walking away from an abusive ridiculous partner?

Had an EP say the same thing to me

Do you think then that he doesn’t fancy me unless he has this idea to think about and that’s the only way he can get turned on enough to bother with me?

Re-read your OP

You feel like you're friends.

He never shows you any affection.

What is in this for you?

I've just re-read your post OP. I missed the part where he said he wants you to fall in love with other men. What the actual fuck?

If that was my partner I'd be thinking he wants me to develop feelings for someone else so I would leave him.

As for making you feel used and unwanted... IMO that feeling never really goes away. You can put it to one side and try to forget about it and carry on, but it will always be there.

He sounds horrible. Get rid of him, you can do a lot better.

You can just brush off his fantasies, the same as you have been doing. Just keep calm and...you know...carry on
The lack of affections sounds like a bigger issue.