How can I improve an unsatisfying sex life with my husband?

[Frah]

I have started to realise my husband is actually really bad in bed. We have fairly regular sex, at least weekly, but he hasn’t given me an orgasm since a long time before our eldest child was born. They’re 11yo!

a friend of mine, also nearly 50, recently had a ONS with a much younger work colleague and described it as the best sex ever and I just felt jealous. Like insanely jealous and keep fantasising about good sex.

How do I get my husband to change? I have tried to get him to go down there but he says he doesn’t like it, tried going on top but he says it hurts so we end up either missionary or doggy every time. He won’t entertain a frank chat about sex and I’m feeling resentful. Any advice?

Aside from screaming from the rooftops?

Looking back even further, how were things before you were married? Has he always been “reluctant” to go down on you? Has he ever said why? Don’t like it is not really an explanation.

Normally in situations like this l would suggest some oral only sessions, but that sounds a non starter.

I wonder if maybe you need to take matters into your own hands a bit so to speak? Have you tried stimulating yourself during sex to show him a bit more how you like it (and to get some of your own pleasure out of it)?

We all talk about frank conversations, and I am really lucky in my relationship, but I know previously that partners would have just taken it as an affront if I suggested anything that might suggest they weren't doing a brilliant job- and i get that it is probably embarrassing if they think it has been fine.

Or maybe suggest some introduction of a toy?

Have you had a talk with him about things that turn him on, does he like lingerie, does he prefer body hair or not, have you tried introducing toys.
Its very easy to judge but not knowing too much i cant really comment

Surely the issue is not about turning him on, it’s about what he should be doing to turn her on.

At present, it’s selfish sex from a male.

I was thinking he may just be prudish or has he had a bad experience in life, i once met someone who was really quite shy in the bedroom just didnt have any imagination

You have options. You could see a sex therapist. You could try suggesting things that you’d like (if you haven’t already). You could buy some toys to use. It could also be worth a trip to the doctor. It may be that your husband has low testosterone if his sex drive isn’t what it once was.

Does he ever ask you if you've had an orgasm / a good time?

Next time he has an orgasm remind him you'd like some of those as well!

He hasn't been shy telling you he doesn't like oral (I assume that's what you meant by 'down there') so you should be equally forthcoming and tell him you don't like having sex that only benefits him.

His sex drive is fine, he wants it 3-4 times a week and gets something from me at least once a week. He masturbates regularly (no secret and I don’t care). I think I’ve only just realised he’s just selfish and always has been. I find myself yearning for better, especially after hearing my friend share some details. It’s opened my eyes to how bad it’s gotten.

he won’t want to talk about it, if I say this he’ll get moody and I’ll get silent treatment for days. Last time I tried to guide his fingers he got in a huff

Gosh that’s really not healthy and that’s not right. It definitely is a selfish issue. I don’t think many people, if they were being honest with themselves, enjoy the physical act of giving oral but the enjoyment comes from seeing the other person enjoy themselves. I’m a fair bit younger (in my thirties) and all the men I’ve been with would make sure I orgasm, if not from penetration than something else. So I don’t know if it’s a generational thing too. I think younger men have been taught much more about female pleasure. My DH was even taught about the clit and female oral sex as part of his sex education in school! To be honest, do you see him changing? If not and this is something that’s important to you you might need to have a serious think about where the relationship is going.

Yes! This! If a man does something I don’t like or find uncomfortable I tell him. I’m not going to continue having sex with someone who doesn’t care about my pleasure.

You’re right, he is older and not sure he knows as much as he thinks. He hasn’t expressly said I’m not giving oral just doesn’t and winces if I try and guide his head down. Not sure it will get better … a serious chat needed I think

I know my ex partner used to tell me he was always quite particular when performing oral sex, had a thing about body hair. Has he ever mentioned anything like that previously

Definitely have a Frank chat, OP! You deserve good sex. It sounds like it’s all about him at the moment and that’s not what it’s meant to be like. Don’t let your frustration build, just have a chat about what you’d like. Good luck!

Unfortunately, op I don’t think us men do sublte hints and if he is getting weekly sex at 50 then hes is doing far better then the national average so he has no reason to belive its not great.

I also do genuinley belive for as selfish as men can be and you read it on here alot I dont think any man wants to be a crap shag! In our heads we think were ace until the day of realisation comes. In which case we can all be better.

Id go for the angle that you used to feel more conected when you both reached a climax and that hasnst happend now for a while now and you like to get back to that if he sulks Id genuinley stop having sex for a while as he is being a silly little man-child. If he takes note I'd surgest bringing a suction toy like the lemon or womaniser into the bedroom and giving that a go. He would be a fool to turn it down as it makes you happy and the device takes the pressure off

We had a good chat last night about our sex life, Turns out he wants to do some different things too, which I agreed could be fun. I told him I needed to orgasm as well, and that I would like him to go down on me to get me there. He didn’t actually object at all and accepted that it may not be the nicest taste for either of us and he would like more BJs so would work for them as it were. And then he did….. it was AMAZING!

thank you all for the courage to have the conversation, wish I’d done it years ago.

fabulous news.

Did you give him that feedback - he'll be more enthusiastic to repeat if he knows that you enjoyed it.

He got the message LOUD and clear. He also got something he wanted to after

turns out he was enjoying the regularity but was also a bit bored of the routine.

most situations like this just need clear communication from both sides. It's the not talking which makes a problem so much bigger

You’re right @yorkshireteabagman I had assumed so much of what he thought. I’m hoping our sex life will get better now we’re more open. I’ve agreed to try some new things, I’ll almost certainly be asking for more advice. He wants sexy, flirty messages during the day sometimes for example… I fear I’ll be too awkward and pull off putting faces.

Nice, OP! Sounds like you guys are going to have a fun time ahead

I hope so, I really hope so. He was very sweet last night, said he’d got stuck in a bit of a rut and was kind of going through the motions a bit. He thought I liked it like that. He explained his reluctance to go down was based on a few times it tasted really bad but he couldn’t say that for fear of offending me. Apparently when he’s been huffy, it’s because I’ve snapped at him.

Idk if you or he’d be into trying these but there was an article/blog I read by a woman who tried all the foods that people always say alter your taste.

Basically none of them worked but she stumbled upon MBerry tablets/miracle berry. They look like vitamins and you let one dissolve on your tongue 20 mins before and they contain miraculin, which temporarily changes how your taste receptors perceive acidity, making sour foods like lemons taste surprisingly sweet.

… idk she said her boyfriend said she tasted like berries!

could be fun

@Frah Sounds like a positive outcome. Id strike while the irons hot and buy a suction toy anyway!

OP. I’m pleased things are progressing. Life is too short to settle for bad sex.

l’ve been extremely hesitant in replying in this vein, as last time l responded on something similar l received abuse.

l’m a bi female (my bi side discovered in later life), l assure you that there is nothing nasty or unpleasant in going down on an healthy woman, far from it. He says you tasted “bad” on some occasions. Not a pleasant remark by any stretch of the imagination. You may have had an off day. But it is not the norm. He should be enjoying the taste of you and your responses.

Hi all,

sorry to hear you’ve had negative responses @StarlightLady. in his defence, he didn’t say it quite so bluntly and I have reacted to him by being a little paranoid.

we have sat down and had a very open conversation about sex this weekend. Turns out he’s felt the same as me about it feeling a little stale and predictable. He didn’t know I wasn’t climaxing ever, and was sorry. We wrote down a list of things we want to do/try without judgement and then agreed from each others list. He’s up for everything on mine, I’ve said no to a few of his. We had some great sex after reading the lists. I’m so glad I raised it