Do you share sexual fantasies honestly with a partner or hold back?

[tanoshi]

When you share fantasies with your partner are you truthful or do you hold back?
There's no need to describe the fantasy, just wondering how honest we all are. With FWB I'm more honest but in a LTR a little reserved for fear of judgement.

My life partner knows that my sexual desires do not align with hers, but in every other way we are happy and compatible.
My fwb shares and enhances my sexual desires but we each have no interest in each other’s private lives.
Thats the answer we all have found works for us.

We don’t tell each other anything. He definitely wouldn’t say if I asked him. And he would never ask me!

I have an overactive imagination and I fantasise about all sorts of things with all sorts of people including many I know. Sharing them with anyone would be way too awkward.

I'll go out on a limb here and say that I have been fairly honest in articulating fantasies and ideas to partners. However, I don't feel that has been reciprocated, despite attempting to create a safe space to do so.

I think there are several reasons: shame, years of patriarchal conditioning, and the possibility that a woman's capacity for fantasy greatly exceeds the male capacity. What is a fantasy does not have to be realised and can stay in the erotic space. Where I think men like to act them out (make reality) more if they can do so.

Fair to say we have never shared our sexual fantasies, have on occasions thought it would be interesting to do one of those quizzes for want of a better word, where you both fill in your fantasies/ sexual likes and it shares those you both agree about

I doubt there's any evidence that women's to fantasise exceeds men's. Men can be perfectly creative. The reason who historically there were more male artists, writers etc is because of sexism but it doesn't follow that men are less creative than women. I'm male and I've always been a massive daydreamer about lots of things, not just sex. It's quite useful as it helps think my way through all sorts of situations (mostly not sex) as I can visualise them. It can also be very soothing.

I'm sure there's a gendered difference in how men and women articulate them.

I agree though that there's a difference between fantasy on the one hand and desire (ie things you want to act out) on the other. For me though the (sex) things I fantasise about are all very private, it's a space I can retreat to and I rarely ever want to share them.

Both. Some you can share and some you can't. Yeah....

@Catullus5

I would say it has nothing to do with creativity. I would agree that they are equal; I do believe that the capacity for erotic fantasy is very different, and women's is far more explicit and complex than most men would ever know.

Tangential to this thread but why do you say that?

@WillyCroakit How are you defining "erotic fantasy"? Are you suggesting there's a gendered difference in what is regarded as erotic, or the ability to imagine situations which haven't (or have) been experienced? Do you think that's nature or nurture, and do you think it's true outwith hetrosexuality?

Fantasy is a fantasy, if it’s achievable then go for it and make it reality, if it’s not then it staying as a fantasy is completely fine, wether it’s shared or secret, if it keeps you excited and happy then what’s the problem

Thanks for the replies and input. Perhaps a relationship isn't such a safe place to discuss fantasies after all and may even be suppressed or the safe place is ourselves.

For a start women have a greater range to play with than heterosexual men do not fantasise about other men .In some research I read perfomed in Boston USA heterosexuals identifying males were shown various sexed images and nearly 100% of men were only aroused by women

The same images were shown to heterosexual females and approx. 50% were attracted to females and the attraction rate to male’s was much the same as the male’s attraction rates to women

There was another study that I can find where it also included animals mating and the arousal rates for women were far higher again than the males in the study.

This alone gives a greater capacity to create different fantasies and scenarios without even going near brain differences between the sexes

Was the survey 100% American males? If so I wonder what European men would score on a similar survey? I for one would reduce it to 99% if 100 men had been surveyed

@mnmnddddd

I’d class exotic fantasy as anything that is intentionally arousing as lord of the rings is fantasy, but I don’t think Gandolf and Frodo do much for anyone, but I suppose there’s the elves lol.

Whether there is a gendered difference in what is erotic is a good question as there will be a cross over as were not all the same, but I do think that when you listen, read and watch erotic material designed for women by women it is very different. In its style and even the way it is shot is different.

It is why I believe that erotic audio and text is far more popular with women than men as I was alluding to the capability to create a world in your head appears to be much greater and men more visual and in the realm of reality. If you look at the list of most common fantasies, they do differ between the sexes with a couple that certainly don’t appear on each other lists.

Regarding nature nurture does this seem to affect men more in we seem to pick up more distinct kinks from our childhoods or is it that we are more able to act them out or discuss them easier?
Are we conditioned into different power dynamics by the patriarchy or is the realm of fantasy the true outpouring of the erotic self and the sub / dom aspect is evolutional and not parochial?

I am a man and I say this from a place of ignorance, but as a genuine question when I heard about some of those studies, I essentially understood it to be an anti rape mechanism i.e. the body responds to stop physical damage. Am I wrong on this?

@Puppupyayyoo

I have to say, in all the articles, papers, and books I've read, I've never heard of that theory. Unfortunately is sounds like a very male construct (not you) to stop and control exactly what I am talking about. I do believe men use language and behaviour to control and suppress what they don't fully understand, which is why women keep it to themselves in the main. The amount of us on here is an example of why @tanoshi won't get. 7 out of 8 responses are all men.

Thanks for responding but not something I am making up

Research conducted in our laboratory and in other laboratories has revealed that (1) women's genital responses to visual and auditory stimuli are strongly affected by the presence of sexual cues, but that (2) specific sexual cues (e.g., gender of actors, the presence of sexual violence) often have little impact on the magnitude of the responses-that is, similar genital responses are observed to very different sexual stimuli. In addition, (3) women's genital responses do not strongly correspond with self-reported sexual partner and activity preferences, or (4) with self-reported sexual arousal during the presentation of sexual stimuli. Taken together, these facts represent a puzzle, especially considering that men's genital responses are highly affected by specific sexual cues and strongly correspond to stated preferences and self-reported sexual arousal. One hypothesis to explain female low cue-specificity and low concordance (relative to men) is the preparation hypothesis: Women's indiscriminate genital responses serve a protective function. That is, they do not indicate or necessarily promote sexual interest and motivation, but rather prepare the vaginal lumen for possible sexual activity and therefore prevent injuries that may occur as a result of penetration. We review evidence for and against this hypothesis. We conclude that the evidence is favorable but not entirely convincing, and more work is required to reach a firm conclusion. We offer directions for future research.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32026221/

@Puppupyayyoo

I did not mean to imply that you were making it up, and if it reads that way, I am sorry. I had just not read about it. The paper you have posted is talking about arousal concordance and discordance and applies to the preparation for penetration theory. It mentions SV, but prep for PIV does not necessarily mean prep for R . Respectfully, I don't want to discuss it further on a thread about fantasies,

Always I tell her something based on truth.
Depending on the reaction I can adapt or add as much as she will enjoy. Women rarely describe to the same level of detail. Shame really!