Different sexual preferences in marriage: one partner vanilla, other wants BDSM

[Ksjs3]

Hi all
Does anyone else have a husband/partner who has completely different sexual needs to them?

My husband is very vanilla. Like, two positions, does the same thing every time, not interested in spicing it up or doing new things.

I on the other hand, really want to explore my submissive side. I wanna try the works - flogging, paddles, cuffs, bondage, clamps, toys, degradation and praise - list not exhaustive.

Ive tried gently broaching the idea of trying some of the more gentler activities - asked for choking, spanking, biting, tieing my arms behind my back, but he doesn't have any interest in any of it. Tried asking him to pick out lingerie for me to wear that he likes to see if that could get him interested in something new but nope. I told him I wanted a butt plug and he looked at me like I had two heads, and tbh that made me feel a bit shit.

Its really kind of frustrating because the sec just doesn't do it for me and hes not willing to meet me somewhere in the middle and try some things out.

I'm not really sure what to do about it, I cant even really have toys because I think they make him feel insecure.

Any advice please? X

Myself and wife do. She’s always said I’m far more adventurous and open compared to anyone she’s ever been with. She’s never had a partner that is into oral sex with a woman and even though ex’s have with her it was more her asking or returning the favour but I love it. Even positions or sex toys she said she never owned a vibrator until we got together or talking dirty, sexting etc. we tried quite a lot when first together but now having been together quite a while she just wants plain sex and not really interested in oral and certainly not anything adventurous which I do miss.

I’d look at my DH like he had two heads if he wanted to introduce a butt plug. Did you not have these conversations before marriage, or were you hoping he’d change? TBH, I personally don’t think that choking, biting, or spanking are “gentle”, and can understand how your DH feels about introducing them into the bedroom. Sounds like you need a partner on the same wavelength, and instead you married a vanilla.

Its more so that my tastes changed as I got older I guess. I didnt think it was strange for people to want to try new things in the bedroom?

How do you deal with it?

Agree that's part of the development as a couple. Tastes change, confidence and experience grow...why would people want it to stay the same?

It’s never going to be how I want it unfortunately but it’s working out what’s more important kinky adventurous sex or my marriage and marriage comes first. She knows if she ever wanted to try something that I’d probably be up for it though. Sometimes she feels abit adventurous and might want to do another position or be abit dirtier but it’s wouldn’t be anything out the ordinary 😂

I had a longish relationship with a partner like this. She was very dismissive of anything even slightly out of the ordinary that I may have wanted to try and just made me feel embarrassed for even asking.

Probably not what you wanted to hear, but her uncompromising sexual rigidity was a contributing factor in my decision to split up.

I know what you mean. It kind of makes you feel... dirty I guess? But not in a good way 😅

It’s a shame but I guess if the desires don’t match then the vanilla trumps the spice as both can enjoy the vanilla done well, but only one enjoys the spice and the other would feel uncomfortable or just wrong so that’s a no. Can you use some porn as an outlet?

Yeah absolutely agree with you. I'm super aware what I'm into is not for everyone and totally respect that he doesn't want to do it, its just frustrating. Porn and masturbation is the only way I can go, it just doesn't hit the same x

Enjoying this with someone else is 99% of the fun...agree it's not the same

M here.
Had a partner who liked BDSM and particularly Switch - which did nothing for me.
I thought the world of her and try as I might, despite being bigger and stronger, even an asked-for slap on the bum became a puny stroke.

It’s difficult as clearly you’re the one whose preferences / sexual desires have to be pushed aside. I wouldn’t feel comfortable knowing my partner was bored with our sex life so would be willing to try some of the things you mention. Though I wouldn’t be enjoying it in the same way knowing he wasn’t keen.

My ex was very vanilla too and I didn’t much enjoy sex with him. Whereas guy i’m in a situationship with is into porn and we definitely enjoy some of the things you mention wanting to do. I do feel very liberated having sex with him, and comfortable to try new things. I knew him via work before we started having sex so felt safe trying some new things with him. As it’s just a casual thing it makes it more exciting.

M here
I have found there is a huge amount of trust involved and especially the fear of if do this where will this lead they will want more and I will be able to stop .
There is a compromise which we navigate 7 / 10 regular love making peppered with 3 / 10 what my partner calls porn sex .
I definitely think for her going back to “ normal sex “ gives her the reassurance she needs .
I also think it’s a compromise and we should were possible try to give your partner the pleasure they crave and visa versa

Is the "porn sex" at her request or yours and what makes it so different?

She is aware I have a bdsm side to me and don’t get me wrong she enjoys this but is cautious not to allow this to dominate our physical relationship.
This would involve dressing up , spanking , orgasm control with toys me rimming her and using a butt plug / butt vibrator along with role play , she completely surrenders , during after care she is emotionally drained but very satisfied.

The big turn on for me is seeing how aroused you can get someone how lost they become in the moment

You describe him as ‘very vanilla’ and yet decided to use biting and choking as ‘gentle’ aspects of what you want him to do? I mean, seriously… how did you think someone not just vanilla but very vanilla would react to that? There are regular articles and discussions about choking during sex and how it’s dangerous and often used as a defence in murder cases, and a lot of even kinky people would baulk at the thought of biting their lover.

Ofc when i say biting I dont mean full on drawing blood, gentle biting is a thing. As for choking, that can also be done in a gentle way. I'm not expecting him to go hard when its not something hes used to, that takes time to build. But to have him try these things with me would be better than refusing outright.

Well I know these things are on a spectrum, but does he? And even if you spelled it out to him, these are two things that are likely to freak out someone who is very vanilla. You could have started with other things as an introduction.

From experience, bdsm with someone who isn’t really into it and who is just appeasing you is not worth doing. For me it is mostly about the psychology and power dynamic rather than the activities you do. I want my dom to want to dominate me and you won’t get that from someone vanilla. You might have a vanilla partner try some light bdsm and like it for the novelty value or because it really turns you on but I don’t think you will ever get deep into it in the way you want to with someone who basically isn’t interested and who even finds it distasteful/ weird.

I agree. If hes not into it I wont enjoy it the way I should and I wouldnt want him to feel uncomfortable

Asking someone to do things when they have no connection between that thing and sex/arousal can just feel weird to them. Them feeling weird about doing it will kill the mood for you too and it becomes a non-starter.
Both parties need to be inspired and have the right mindset, the mindset/intent is more important than the physical actions.
You provided a long list of things you'd like to try but I imagine if you could inspire him into dominating you with some simple "playfighting", it might make more sense to him and get him in the right mindset which in turn might be more enjoyable for you.
Tease him, wriggle away, make him feel a need to hold you down and assert control. Show him when he does this that it turns you on and you'll comply by doing what he wants.
If you can get those foundations in, you can then work on inspiring him to punish bratty behaviour and gradually those things in your list will start to make sense.

It's difficult from a submissive role to get someone to dominate you if they don't already have the inclination. You're essentially trying to lead and control them (topping from the bottom) which just feels conflicting and confusing to them.
It can be frustrating and slow but teasing and provoking a dominant reaction and inspiring him with things you might let him do if you were in particular situations might be a better way to go.

Do you know if he has a dominant streak in him? Is he possibly more submissive?

Thank you so much, this is really helpful!

I dont think hes submissive, though that could also work for me if he was. I'm gonna try your suggestion of teasing and encouraging responses to bratty behaviour though, it might work! X

Use some playfighting to figure it out either way. Get on top of him, make him feel vulnerable and tease him about it, he'll likely either enjoy it or try to turn the tables on you. Either way, you'll have made progress. Good luck.