Suddenly wondering about my sexuality at 51

[Unsureofmyself74]

I have been married for 25 years and it’s always been a bit rubbish sexually. I have had good sex with men in the past though.

I have always fantasised about women when masturbating and enjoy reading lesbian erotic. I have watched lesbian porn too but not so much anymore. But my fantasies are always about women.

I am just confused as it has always been something I assumed formed part of my fantasy life as was never really interested in real life. But now I wonder if I am suppressing something - or maybe I am bisexual? I just don’t know. I can only ever orgasm when thinking about women too.

Anyone else? How did you know? Was it actually acting on it? I don’t know if I do want to act on it. Can you just have a fantasy life that turns you on but not act on it in real life?

Happy to take Dms too if someone doesn’t want to discuss publicly.

Very interesting comments from @Gymbunny2025 about attractiveness of female body, which must be why it has featured so conspicuously in art through the ages.
The comment about crushes has surprised me. Somehow I missed that stage. I liked some women more than others but did not connect that with a sexual attraction until recently.

There's quite a few naked blokes in the art world too - think of all those Renaissance sculptures! 😉

The female body is very nice but I think that the reason why it's featured so prominently in art is probably because most of the artists have been heterosexual men. I agree with the above comment about statues.

I'm pretty sure that, for some people at least, our 'tunings' can drift over the course of a lifetime and we can find ourselves fancying people who're quite different than we did in the past. This might include people of a different sex to that of our previous objects of affection too.

It's currently more usual to imagine that we've got a 'sexual orientation' that is constant throughout life. This might be a good characterisation of some people's patterns of desire, but maybe doesn't apply to everybody.

I find women (well a certain type of women) intensely sexually attractive & often fantasise about them- but like others would really not want a relationship with a woman, just sex. I think maybe for some straight women these purely sexual feelings develop as we get older as we’ve just spent so long exposed to sexualised images of the female form- after a while we start to get turned on by the female body just out of habit. So it’s a learnt behaviour rather than a true sexual preference.

I’m in a relationship so am not envisaging acting on these thoughts - fantasy only. Plus I am doubtful it would be at all easy to meet women for no strings fun sex- I mean, if it was, men wouldn’t complain about how difficult it is to meet women, would they? (I can daydream about it though!)

I find ‘two women’ pornography really shocking though. It always looks so painful and stretched and acrobatic and kind of like a gynae exam - and what’s this craze for licking bums? Is this a male fantasy thing? 🤢 And the women are always so young! (I’m really not at all attracted to 20 year olds.) So I am intrigued to know what the lesbian pornography that some PP have enjoyed watching is - isn’t it all like that?

@BlakesTyger I agree! There is a large subset of 'lesbian' porn that is aimed at men. It's often very graphic, lots of penetration, v young women (with painful looking nail extensions!) etc 😆 IME women find different things erotic to men. More sexual tension, a bit of context etc. There are some sites aimed more at female viewers, Bellesa is one.

Lesbian porn is very much aimed at men. I am usually discreet about my bi side with others as many men then expect you to become a male entertainment centre.

I discovered my bi side in my 30s, at the time it took me by surprise, looking back, it shouldn’t have been so surprising. The signs were there.

This thread has descended into a conversation about lesbian porn.

I remember when l felt like that. The “whoops, really, me?” moment came later. Back at school in my later teens, a group of us used to do what we called “kissing practice” allegedly to make us better kisses for the boys. We were kidding ourselves, let alone the others.

Nah! not yet they are still teasing us.😉
Give it till supper time to really get going. 😙

Most probably! They'll be two bottles of wine in by then!

Yep and banned by bedtime.

Story of my life!

And I thought all those stories you write are from your life..!

I could’ve written this. Not the being married for 25 years but everything else! I’ve only ever been attracted to men and can only see me ever having relationships with men but I’ve fantasised about women for as long as I can remember. I’m just not sure it’s something I’d want to explore in any real sense, and even if I did, I wouldn’t know where to start.

I think that's where I am. I had some experiences with men in my 20s but it's best left there. I fantasise now, which is nice. I wouldn't tell my partner though. She wouldn't be tolerant of any bisexuality in our relationship.

@Unsureofmyself74 Anyone else? How did you know?

I would be wondering how you can't know...

When I was young, I knew that if I saw a sexy photograph of a woman, I would feel sexual arousal. So on that basis, I knew I was straight. Looking at a sexy photograph of a man did not cause the same feeling.

Coming back to this thread as I’m thinking about exploring these feelings again. Is anyone any further forward? There was another thread which talked about a group chat I think but I’m not sure if anything ever came of it.

I think it was a illuminating discussion until it strayed onto lesbian pornography which is largely marketed at straight men. It lost it's way after that.

I don’t believe that sexuality is fluid for everyone - that’s a bit of a sweeping statement. It’s certainly not true for me. I’ve only ever been attracted to men and I can’t stand watching two women in porn (not that I go looking for it mind 😂). It literally does nothing for me whatsoever.

I agree with @shuggles

I am 46 and I have been experiencing feelings of attraction towards women since my early 40s. It's been steadily growing stronger for me, although I have not yet had an in-person sexual encounter with another woman. I don't know if I ever will have one but I certainly find the idea of it arousing.

I was well into my 30s before l really “woke up” or was “woken up”.

Reading this thread I am fascinated to hear that several women are interested in sex with a woman but can't imagine living with one as a main romantic relationship. What's going on there then?

I recently exchanged messages with someone on MN who claimed to be a woman in her 40s experiencing feelings of bisexuality. She said she was on one of the bisexual threads (presumably this one). We exchanged some very steamy messages for about a week. She abruptly deleted all her PMs and then disappeared. Then approximately 2 weeks later, I received another PM from someone with a similar username. The first message was very similar to the one I received from the aforementioned woman who disappeared.

Suffice to say I questioned if she was the same person, and she then went quiet. Fortunately I didn't reveal anything that could be considered outing. I am aware of the possibility (or indeed, likelihood) that it may not have been a woman who I was talking to. If it was, then her behaviour was very off-putting. It's certainly put me off having any further such conversations. If it was the same person, they must be very naive to think I would forget about conversations that took place within the last 2 weeks. Did they think I was going to forget that they disappeared and that we would start sexting again like nothing had happened? I assume that's what they were hoping for, but I won't be obliging.

Yes @moderate , I did not consider this kind of relationship when I was younger. I knew that some women were like this but shrugged those off as weird or sex mad.
My opinion has now changed. Now I am older I do enjoy a close friendship with a woman.