Page 27 | Sexless Marriages Support thread

Aishabibi · 2025-04-13T12:06:38+00:00

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again. my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

AlexandrinaH · 08/07/2025 14:36

Aishabibi · 08/07/2025 13:54

I found my FwB on IE. A lot of not positive encounters but better than FAB when i looked there; that was an intense place. I also had a more conventional ONS at work conference and although the sex wasn’t as good, I found it easier to not get feelings like I was starting to get with my ‘friend’.

all the way through I have answered my husband’s questions, and we have actually gotten on better without the frustration. And, last night, for the first time since NYE 2021/22 my husband and I had sex. It was hurried and quick (I’ll spare you the details - unless you want to hear them- in which case message) but it was good, so good. We have set a target for once a month, but no pressure as he has physically been unable to perform previously. I have said I’ll not look elsewhere while we see if it can become regular again.

I feel a bit hypocritical to have started this thread now we’ve actually had sex, but one swallow doesn’t make a summer (pun intended)

It’s not hypocritical at all - it’s good to read others’ experiences on how they are managing and trying to fix things or make them better.

My DH and I do have more frequent sex now, but we haven’t in the past and it’s forever a careful balancing act. We didn’t have sex for the first 5 months of this year, so it’s only picked up recently. I’m quite confident the regularity we have now won’t last.

Original poster

Aishabibi · 08/07/2025 14:42

Thanks @AlexandrinaH m glad you’ve been getting some action recently. I dream it might become more regular, but I suspect it won’t. Problem is, I want it more… peri has turned me into a horny beast…

OP posts:

HairyBear82 · 08/07/2025 16:07

Aishabibi · 08/07/2025 13:54

I found my FwB on IE. A lot of not positive encounters but better than FAB when i looked there; that was an intense place. I also had a more conventional ONS at work conference and although the sex wasn’t as good, I found it easier to not get feelings like I was starting to get with my ‘friend’.

all the way through I have answered my husband’s questions, and we have actually gotten on better without the frustration. And, last night, for the first time since NYE 2021/22 my husband and I had sex. It was hurried and quick (I’ll spare you the details - unless you want to hear them- in which case message) but it was good, so good. We have set a target for once a month, but no pressure as he has physically been unable to perform previously. I have said I’ll not look elsewhere while we see if it can become regular again.

I feel a bit hypocritical to have started this thread now we’ve actually had sex, but one swallow doesn’t make a summer (pun intended)

I don’t think hypercritical at all. Once in over 2.5 years doesn’t exactly mean you’re at it like bunny rabbits.

This has been a great thread to stumble upon. For me it challenges one of the great stereotypes of people being unsatisfied with the amount (or quality) of sex they’re getting and that it’s somehow only whiny men! Useful to see so many different stories, angles and points of view.

ThatAquaSnail · 08/07/2025 18:02

HairyBear82 · 08/07/2025 16:07

I don’t think hypercritical at all. Once in over 2.5 years doesn’t exactly mean you’re at it like bunny rabbits.

This has been a great thread to stumble upon. For me it challenges one of the great stereotypes of people being unsatisfied with the amount (or quality) of sex they’re getting and that it’s somehow only whiny men! Useful to see so many different stories, angles and points of view.

Show quote history

I feel like a "whiny man". I feel so useless and that all i do is moan about it. (on here not at home). Its so depressing.

Eric1964 · 08/07/2025 18:14

ThatAquaSnail · 08/07/2025 18:02

I feel like a "whiny man". I feel so useless and that all i do is moan about it. (on here not at home). Its so depressing.

Show quote history

We need a specific men's sexless marriage/relationship support thread, not necessarily on MN. We could have subtopics like: "Ice Baths: Do They Really Work?" or "A Good, Hard Kick In The Bollocks - It Could Change Your Life!"

Eric1964 · 08/07/2025 18:28

AtYourPleasure · 28/06/2025 13:26

Yep, sex brings a closeness that nothing else can, there's no doubt about it. My wife is desperate for me to be close to her emotionally, desperate for me to express my love for her (which I genuinely feel) but won't have sex with me. It's a blockage that benefits neither of us. - do you think if you could give her the emotional closeness she needs, she might in turn respond in a sexually positive way? Is this just stale-mate? You both need something the other struggles to give and neither of you are willing to break the cycle?

Show quote history

I've been reading and re-reading this post, wanting to respond, but not quite finding the words. You could be right, there could be stalemate and, if so, one of us has to make the first move in order to break it. I'm in an emotional quagmire at the moment but I try to hold on to possible visions of the future, one of which is regular physical affection of a sexual nature - skin-to-skin contact - but not necessarily full sex, or at least only very rarely. Could I cope with that, for the remainder of whatever time I have on the planet? The truth is, probably. I adore my wife. Seeing her happy means the world to me. But to get to such a situation - or something better, even - is going to take some very difficult conversations.

I've said it before, and it bears repetition: sex may mean different things to men and women, but we suffer equally in sexless relationships.

Sadcafe · 08/07/2025 18:29

Aishabibi · 08/07/2025 13:54

I found my FwB on IE. A lot of not positive encounters but better than FAB when i looked there; that was an intense place. I also had a more conventional ONS at work conference and although the sex wasn’t as good, I found it easier to not get feelings like I was starting to get with my ‘friend’.

all the way through I have answered my husband’s questions, and we have actually gotten on better without the frustration. And, last night, for the first time since NYE 2021/22 my husband and I had sex. It was hurried and quick (I’ll spare you the details - unless you want to hear them- in which case message) but it was good, so good. We have set a target for once a month, but no pressure as he has physically been unable to perform previously. I have said I’ll not look elsewhere while we see if it can become regular again.

I feel a bit hypocritical to have started this thread now we’ve actually had sex, but one swallow doesn’t make a summer (pun intended)

A sexless marriage is broadly defined as less than 10 times a year, so having had sex once absolutely should not make you feel hypocritical , lots of people have found a lot of positives from this thread so glad you started it. Onwards and upwards( pun also intended)

AlexandrinaH · 08/07/2025 19:04

Aishabibi · 08/07/2025 14:42

Thanks @AlexandrinaH m glad you’ve been getting some action recently. I dream it might become more regular, but I suspect it won’t. Problem is, I want it more… peri has turned me into a horny beast…

Oh my god! Same here 😂

AnonAnonmystery · 08/07/2025 19:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

ThatAquaSnail · 08/07/2025 19:14

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

🙁

CATomas · 08/07/2025 19:45

Menopause seriously diminished my wife's libido. I get it. However, she suggested whenever I felt the need, she would assist me in my self-pleasuring. She was eager to do this and it works. She enjoys it very much. And she surprised with with her verbal contributions to the event. It is actually quite satisfying.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 08/07/2025 20:10

Hi, in a bit of a bad place right now.

Like others, I've also been caning it in the gym to distract.

And DH recently agreed to counselling. A step forward. We had a loooong talk about how I cannot be long term in a marriage where he has made a "silent" unilateral decision that our sex life was over.

He said he got it. He would look up a counsellor, book us a session. I thought we were making progress.

....that was 3w ago. Since then, nothing. And I have realised - again - that this is just not a priority for him.

How many more times do I need that to smack me in the face? I'll turn 46 this summer, and fuck me, this is my life.

I can't believe it. Again.

HairyBear82 · 08/07/2025 20:13

CATomas · 08/07/2025 19:45

Menopause seriously diminished my wife's libido. I get it. However, she suggested whenever I felt the need, she would assist me in my self-pleasuring. She was eager to do this and it works. She enjoys it very much. And she surprised with with her verbal contributions to the event. It is actually quite satisfying.

See that shows a level of self awareness on the part of your wife at least of the impact it has on you and a willingness to help a shared problem not a you problem.
A world away from your partner burying her head in the sand or making false promises. Personally, that’s an aspect I’ve found frustrating and demoralising.

CATomas · 08/07/2025 20:15

It does the partnership no good if one party is frustrated. That is so distracting and destructive.

Eric1964 · 08/07/2025 20:34

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 08/07/2025 20:10

Hi, in a bit of a bad place right now.

Like others, I've also been caning it in the gym to distract.

And DH recently agreed to counselling. A step forward. We had a loooong talk about how I cannot be long term in a marriage where he has made a "silent" unilateral decision that our sex life was over.

He said he got it. He would look up a counsellor, book us a session. I thought we were making progress.

....that was 3w ago. Since then, nothing. And I have realised - again - that this is just not a priority for him.

How many more times do I need that to smack me in the face? I'll turn 46 this summer, and fuck me, this is my life.

I can't believe it. Again.

Therapy/counselling for yourself, to help you decide what to do. That's what I'm doing. Good luck.

Newtonotts · 09/07/2025 04:54

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 08/07/2025 20:10

Hi, in a bit of a bad place right now.

Like others, I've also been caning it in the gym to distract.

And DH recently agreed to counselling. A step forward. We had a loooong talk about how I cannot be long term in a marriage where he has made a "silent" unilateral decision that our sex life was over.

He said he got it. He would look up a counsellor, book us a session. I thought we were making progress.

....that was 3w ago. Since then, nothing. And I have realised - again - that this is just not a priority for him.

How many more times do I need that to smack me in the face? I'll turn 46 this summer, and fuck me, this is my life.

I can't believe it. Again.

That's what I really struggle with. We talk about it, try to find ways to improve on bothv sides, agree to try to work on it.. and then nothing....

It's clear sex is just a much lower priority for my wife than it is me, but it is getting to the stage where it seems to have been completely deprioritised below absolutely everything else.

I guess the topic will rear it's head again soon, we will have the same conversation and then nothing will change yet again. I don't know what to do

AverageGuy · 09/07/2025 08:14

Just sending virtual hugs to you all.

I'm so glad I got out... Reading all your posts makes me realise I made the right decision. No, it wasn't easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but not being in that toxic atmosphere has definitely improved my life.

Not that my sex life is anything to shout about right now,... pm's open! 😁

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 18:53

Seeing this thread really made me think and I basically decided no sex for the rest of my life was the better choice for me than leaving a man that absolutely adores me. He makes me laugh every day is an amazing father amongst all of the other incredible things about him.

So you guys prompted that discussion. Long story short we decided that scheduling sex twice a week was worth a shot before giving up entirely. I was afraid of getting back into the cycle but if we try then I can truly say I've done everything I can.

I've asked him to make a note and he can decide the days! Just don't tell me but I will ask that I have a hint on the day so I have something to look forward to...! I'm recent in a new job secondment posting that is incredibly intense so it all helps!

Upshot is last night we had amazing sex and I've been floating on air all day...! I've explained that it isn't actually about the sex it's about the desire and as I posted previously I know he's been in the mood the last few days so last night that little guy was raring to go. 🤣🤣🤣

Don't want to brag because I know how you all feel. But thought I'd share something positive as it's not as though I can discuss this in IRL!

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 18:54

Newtonotts · 09/07/2025 04:54

That's what I really struggle with. We talk about it, try to find ways to improve on bothv sides, agree to try to work on it.. and then nothing....

It's clear sex is just a much lower priority for my wife than it is me, but it is getting to the stage where it seems to have been completely deprioritised below absolutely everything else.

I guess the topic will rear it's head again soon, we will have the same conversation and then nothing will change yet again. I don't know what to do

Show quote history

That is EXACTLY our situation. Cycling round and round and round and round so much I want to puke from the spinning.

See my post above. Something you could perhaps try?

Newtonotts · 09/07/2025 19:59

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 18:54

That is EXACTLY our situation. Cycling round and round and round and round so much I want to puke from the spinning.

See my post above. Something you could perhaps try?

Show quote history

It's good to hear that it can be worked through, maybe there is hope for us all yet!

We've discussed the schedule idea before, she wasn't keen as it made it feel too forced apparently. I think it might be worth another try though as waitling for it to happen organically clearly isn't working!

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 22:51

I was reluctant myself to be honest because spontaneous is always more fun.
BUT that said it can be good to get back on the horse so to speak. And get back into the habit.

Also desire for men tends to happen before sex.

For women it's after (and from my experience that's very true!)

So if she can be persuaded to give it one last bash it may be worth it.

Good luck!

Newtonotts · 10/07/2025 05:25

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 22:51

I was reluctant myself to be honest because spontaneous is always more fun.
BUT that said it can be good to get back on the horse so to speak. And get back into the habit.

Also desire for men tends to happen before sex.

For women it's after (and from my experience that's very true!)

So if she can be persuaded to give it one last bash it may be worth it.

Good luck!

That's interesting about wha you say about desire, it does seem they we differ in as much as she has to work to try to turn the desire on and I have to work to try to turn it off.

Inspired by you though I have asked how she'd feel like an early night tonight and got a positive response. Fingers crossed for this evening and I'm hopeful that nothing happens today to change it!

TuesdayFilmClub · 10/07/2025 06:35

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 18:53

Seeing this thread really made me think and I basically decided no sex for the rest of my life was the better choice for me than leaving a man that absolutely adores me. He makes me laugh every day is an amazing father amongst all of the other incredible things about him.

So you guys prompted that discussion. Long story short we decided that scheduling sex twice a week was worth a shot before giving up entirely. I was afraid of getting back into the cycle but if we try then I can truly say I've done everything I can.

I've asked him to make a note and he can decide the days! Just don't tell me but I will ask that I have a hint on the day so I have something to look forward to...! I'm recent in a new job secondment posting that is incredibly intense so it all helps!

Upshot is last night we had amazing sex and I've been floating on air all day...! I've explained that it isn't actually about the sex it's about the desire and as I posted previously I know he's been in the mood the last few days so last night that little guy was raring to go. 🤣🤣🤣

Don't want to brag because I know how you all feel. But thought I'd share something positive as it's not as though I can discuss this in IRL!

That's amazing that scheduling seems to be working for you. Twice a week too, we didn't even manage that at the hight of our sex life!

Like a previous poster said, my STBXW never like scheduling it. We discussed the situation, agreed this needed to change, then straight back to how it was.

Since we decided to split, she has said in passing that she is looking forward to having a physical relationship again. Reading between the lines, I don't think she was ever really attracted to me (or maybe she was early in the relationship), so it's no wonder we rarely ever had sex.

FuckNugget69 · 10/07/2025 07:20

Oooh that's fantastic! It's a baby step in the right direction.

I'm sure you've already done this but I find my friends saying it's the little moments of non sexual physical touch that helps a lot with the desire.

A hand on the shoulder as you walk past.

If you need to walk ahead of her a hand on the small of her back as you go past (yet to meet a woman this doesn't work for!)

A hand on her hip as you reach for something beside her if you're standing up.

Nothing at all that can be perceived as sexual but ways you wouldn't touch a friend of the opposite sex. Reflects that you're in an intimate relationship. Which is true to an extent even without the sex.

Speaking typically - as us women on here are not - I think women do tend to get out of the habit more than men and sex goes off their minds. So sometimes it's nice to be unconsciously reminded how nice just the feeling of being touched is.

So, in short, see if you can get some basic contact in before hopefully getting that fun early night 😊😉

FuckNugget69 · 10/07/2025 07:24

TuesdayFilmClub · 10/07/2025 06:35

That's amazing that scheduling seems to be working for you. Twice a week too, we didn't even manage that at the hight of our sex life!

Like a previous poster said, my STBXW never like scheduling it. We discussed the situation, agreed this needed to change, then straight back to how it was.

Since we decided to split, she has said in passing that she is looking forward to having a physical relationship again. Reading between the lines, I don't think she was ever really attracted to me (or maybe she was early in the relationship), so it's no wonder we rarely ever had sex.

Show quote history

Haha! Yet to see if it works but going to try.

We said we'd aim for twice because that way if something major comes up (we have a myriad of disability in the household) we should still be able to do it once. Instead of once a week where it's easy to miss a few and get back out of the habit.

DH always loves when we do but seems to forget how much between sessions!

@TuesdayFilmClub that makes me sad for you. The attraction is very much needed. I sincerely hope that the next woman you meet is attracted to you. We all deserve to be with someone that sees and appreciates it.

Hopefully that won't take too long for you..!