I haven't had sex in six years

[dodaleta]

Hi everyone

First post and a bit deep.

I have been married for 15 years. Sex with my husband has always been bad, since we were dating. We only dated for a year before getting married. I was quite young and naive about sex so I didn't know any better but loved him so it wasn't that important to me.

He's always struggled with ejaculating, which in my naive and ignorant mind, I just thought he was one of those guys who lasted a long time (not a bad thing right?!) eventually I started thinking he just didn't find me attractive enough or maybe I was just so bad at sex that I wasn't able to make a guy come (although I had sex with other people before meeting him and that was never the case). As the years have gone by it got progressively worse to the point of him not being able to have an erection. Now I know that not being able to ejaculate is an actual medical condition that can eventually cause erectile disfunction.

He never wanted to even talk about it let alone see a doctor about it. I've stayed quiet and faithful for so many years that now sex is not even a part of our relationship. We don't talk about it, we don't think about it.

I recently turned 40 and feel like I have wasted my best years on this man and not having sex, but at the same time I can't bring up the courage to leave and I don't even know if I want to. I still love him and what kind of person would I be for leaving someone because they have a medical condition right?!

I don't know what to do or even think. This is so messed up isn't it?

I think the only thing that’s messed up is that you don’t seem to be able to (or haven’t so far) communicate properly about it. I know it’s a very tricky situation, but it would be much healthier to be able to talk about how you miss sex with him, how he feels about everything, whether he eventually would be willing to seek professional help? Without any of that, you are stuck where you are, with resentment growing on your part. And who knows how he feels about it all.

My sex life with my ex (of 25 years) was rubbish but I just accepted that was how it had to be. I now make healthy communication about expectations, boundaries and desires a priority in any new relationship.

Having experienced the rubbish side of it all, a sexually unfulfilling relationship is absolutely not an option and I would walk away for that reason alone. It is now that important to me because it’s central to everything else.

But it’s so hard to change communication/relationship habits. Good luck.

Not messed up at all and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Sex is a vital part of any marriage.
Medical condition or not, he's not able to provide you with what you need. There may be a totally understandable reason for this, but refusing to do anything about it is not acceptable. He's not being fair with you.
I'm in the same situation with my wife, and I feel let down. If the situation was reversed, I would do whatever it takes to make it right.

I am in the same boat with DW - its rubbish isn't it. I am in two minds of what to do really. Everything is blamed on me, doesn't like my dress sense, weight etc always some excuse. Self esteem is rock bottom, she refuses to talk about it and if I ask for reasons why its always me for one reason or another. I have changed for her to try (weight loss etc) and get that spark back - makes no difference. I think the excuses are just to put me off and buy more time. I am 43 and feel like my time is running out too but just stuck. All I can say is we deserve better 😓

What I will also say is that none of this is your fault, I wouldn't put any blame on yourself. He should be seeking help and working out a path forward, that fact that he isn't is worrying. And communicate with you too - will he change in the future is the big question?

Agree with much of the above, you need to make it very clear to him the impact it is having on you. That you need him to seek help and will support him as needed.
I have been in a similar situation with my wife and it has had a massive impact on my mental health. Like your husband is refusing to accept that there is an issue. But throwing away the marriage feels like a terrible step and so daunting. Wish you all the luck in the world resolving this x

If penetrative sex is out of the question then can you get some intimacy and pleasure from him using his hands and mouth, or is he not interested because he wouldn't get anything from that?

Totally fair point and I have to say, I have communicated extensively about it. I didn't specify that, my apologies. It was a point of conversation (constructive and not) and arguments for years and we never got anywhere we were divorcing, the house was out on sale. I got so tired of fighting, so so tired.

Does she also have a medical
Condition?

I'm not sure if it will ever change. It's such a hard thing for a man, to lose the ability to have sex. But he seems to maintain himself occupied with other things, obsessive exercise, numerous hobbies I can tell don't even interest him that much so all he wants to be is occupied. He's said so himself, that he "has other things in his life"

Spot on. It's not something he would even consider as there's nothing in it for him. That was an issue before we even stopped having sex.

He sounds extremely selfish. Does that reflect in other parts of your life together? When we did have a sex life i would often be happy to help my wife enjoy it without wanting to orgasm myself. For me i see giving your partner pleasure as part of loving someone, and you do that expecting nothing in return.

Ok thats interesting so quite a fit and active person. On the "medical condition" point he is not helping himself by not doing anything about it. Plus there are other things that you could do that is not reliant on that as someone else mentioned. My DW is the same regarding not talking about it, just expects me to live with it? She has not offered any solution to the situation. I too get on with her really well, I do not feel its worth leaving a marriage for it but it is getting harder and harder especially when you know others are having a fulfilling and active sex life, it makes me feel like something has died inside. Its a tough decision to know what to do next.

It does reflect in other parts of the relationship, but I would say when it comes to this, it is more about completely ignoring the elephant in the room, being intimate but not having sex would be acknowledging the problem somehow.

He is very fit and active, definitely. But that’s all he cares about, his physical fitness but not his sexual or mental health. You seem to also be hesitant to leave your relationship, would you say you have a good relationship too, aside from sex?

Yes I would say we do. We don't argue hardly at all. Its just there is no passion, excitement anymore, dare I say it but life is a bit boring? I think taking away the sex has caused that. How do you get on?

No she doesn't which makes me even more frustrated. A medical problem I could understand and work with. My wife just has a low sex drive, with no motivation or desire to do anything about it.

Same with mine, it just seems wrong to withdraw something that is an essential part of a relationship to me that makes you feel closer as a couple. I am sure she wouldn't be happy if I stopped listening to her, ignored her or stopped doing any chores / school runs etc. Its not the same but its how I feel

This is the same with my marriage - my husband has no interest in sex unless I let him do certain things to me (I won’t elaborate!). It’s all but killed our marriage, and any affection I had for him. I’m too financially tied to him to leave (not just your usual mortgage etc, it goes beyond that).

We just about get on, but it’s soul destroying. Lack of sex has caused so many small issues but there’s no point talking to him - I’ve tried, and I told him a month ago that I’ve initiated it for the last time and now it’s on him. Nothing since then.

Such a common story, it is depressing. What makes it all the worse is when the other party won't accept there is anything that needs fixing. Of course everyone has there ups and downs of needs, but when one parties needs change suddenly and the other is left without it has a terrible impact on self confidence and general happiness in the relationship, especially if you respond to physical intimacy as an expression of love.

That’s exactly it - head in the sand. Even denied a few weeks ago that I’ve even tried talking about it over the years - and it’s been years (about 2008).

I definitely feel unloved and ignored.

It’s Such a shame that so many of us are in this position. I can’t remember the last time my wife tried it with me but if I ever bring it up I’m made out to be the worst person in the world. I tried to say once that I can’t be in a marriage where I rarely have sex it just isn’t fair and my wife said am I willing to split our family up just for sex. I’ll be honest it made me feel guilty and like I’d done something wrong but I feel like sex should be such a normal part of life.

@DixonD Well I don't want to do certain things, I am happy for bog standard vanilla 😅 Nothing is on the cards at all, it doesn't even have to be penetrative sex. But no - head in the sand like someone has mentioned. You feel like no one wants you, that they are even repulsed by you. I too have tried talking and got nowhere, all I got was the blame for various things - weight / dress sense etc which I know is a load of rubbish. I changed all that and now its a different excuse, I have pretty much given up trying. When I posted about this last someone PM'd me and told me to get on illicit encounters! I was tempted but not sure if its what I really want.

They are all absolutely within their rights to decide they’re never having sex again, for whatever reason (shame in discussing it with professionals, not enjoying it; not thinking it’s something valuable enough to salvage in the relationship); but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it.

Please don’t apologise! I really wasn’t apportioning any blame. I just meant there is clearly no healthy communication around the matter and that is the real shame. It sounds like you’ve tried and he’s showing you his cards. You don’t need to agree. It sounds like he won’t change and it’s not your job to try to change him. You’ve said how you feel. Now you need to figure out what your reaction to all of that is. Aside from the lack of all the delicious things (touch, intimacy, connection, endorphins etc) his (and the others mentioned) lack of willingness to even try to understand your point of view must be very hurtful. I wouldn’t want anyone I claim to love to feel like that.

If you’re not happy, have a real think about that. Ending something is bloody scary and sometimes very difficult (I’m still untangling many messes) but I am so happy I get to wake up every day feeling free and able to choose to do the things (or person 😉) that makes me happy. It makes me panicky to think I put my happiness on hold for so many years and I couldn’t even tell you why!

I’m 52 and, like you, was very naive and young when I got with my husband (stbx). We also had a ten year age gap (him older). It wasn’t a medical issue in our case but the fact our sex life was terrible. He was terrible! He lacked passion and affection. It became more and more obvious as time went on and we drifted into a sexless marriage. I also lost interest in him, in that way. But, I loved him in a different way - more like a brotherly love. Sex was never discussed. We had no affection in our marriage. Not even kissing (which I love). He actually thought I was frigid!!! It was him that was making me feel that way. I couldn’t see it.

I hit menopause at 45 and got the sex surge. Yes, sh*t hit the fan and I suddenly realised the way I was living. I also ended up with someone else - an affair. Wrong. Very wrong, but I realised what I was missing and had missed. This man absolutely woke me up and I started to realise I’d been a fool for staying in a sexless marriage for so long. By this point we’d been in a sexless marriage for over 10 years. It’s been over 16 years now. I ended my marriage immediately after realising what was going on and after I’d kissed the other man for the first time. I soul
searched for a long time but everything pointed to the fact I was living in a soulless, sexless and deprived of affection, marriage.

Yes, he was a nice person but I’d always suspected he was a bit odd. He definitely wasn’t like a real man. I felt very bitter in the end - for the amount of years I’d stayed in the marriage. I started to realise why I’d get frustrated with him and my life at times. I lacked something massive in my life.

Don’t stay unhappy. Life is too short.

Is he watching porn and masturbating?

If he has a medical condition fine but reading here and relationships it does tend to be that the wife or husband not interested in sex is getting their kicks elsewhere. It would be highly unusual for a youngish fit bloke to not want sex. Do you think he sees you more like a friend than a partner?

I would talk to him again, say you want intimacy so either he talks about what turns him on, how you can both reconnect and have a sex life or you separate. Life is too short to be rejected by someone who is supposed to love you.