Emptyandsad and thelastkingdom, on the face of* *It does seem incredible that we got and stayed together. I had left a near decade long relationship that had great sex, but turned out he was also having plenty of great sex elsewhere, my STBXH felt safe, we had been friends for sometime and did have an amazing connection/friendship. He insisted that he’d never had any issues before, and at that point he was obviously on his best behaviour and would be able to obtain and sustain an erection of sorts. I felt that no relationship is perfect and maybe I could settle for having a funny, intelligent partner who I knew would never stray.
Once embroiled in marriage and children, he pretty much stopped trying.
Viagra, and others all obtained but left to go out of date unopened. He once told me, in a kind of proud ‘gotcha’ type way, that a health professional had told him ‘not having sex isn’t a hanging offence and if your sexes were the other way round we wouldn’t be having this conversation, as a male partner demanding sex would be considered borderline sexual assault.’
In the last few years the only physical contact we had was holding hands when out of the house, where he would grab my hand roughly, like a parent might take hold of an errant child, and an occasional peck of a kiss. He would recoil from all other contact, as if I was giving out electric shocks.
There were many other issues in this relationship, but I don’t want to out myself, close friends know exactly why, but most others have been told a very diluted version, I can no longer untangle the web of cause and effect. Communication of all colours was withheld as punishment for any perceived misdemeanours I had apparently committed, which would include long periods of silence, exclusion from planned family events etc, so as you can see, it had become a toxic environment on many levels. Strangely, I also think that his refusal to give sex and affection made me want it more, if we’d had an average sex life (whatever that may be) I’d probably be more accepting of it now.
His apparent surprise and devastation just shows how far we were removed from each others reality. He thought I was happy (enough), I honestly thought he would be relieved. The only certainty is that I will leave the poorer from this relationship financially and with my self esteem in tatters.
I’ve just read this back and it sounds like a load of self indulgent drivel, so I apologise. Thank you for your kind wishes for a future relationship, my first port of call will be to lick my own wounds and enjoy my own company. I have never been unfaithful, but have always had plenty of offers. Now that I am in a position to proceed, there is literally no one on the horizon! But then I’ve never been 60 before, let’s hope I haven’t left it too, too late!