I haven't had sex in six years

[dodaleta]

Hi everyone

First post and a bit deep.

I have been married for 15 years. Sex with my husband has always been bad, since we were dating. We only dated for a year before getting married. I was quite young and naive about sex so I didn't know any better but loved him so it wasn't that important to me.

He's always struggled with ejaculating, which in my naive and ignorant mind, I just thought he was one of those guys who lasted a long time (not a bad thing right?!) eventually I started thinking he just didn't find me attractive enough or maybe I was just so bad at sex that I wasn't able to make a guy come (although I had sex with other people before meeting him and that was never the case). As the years have gone by it got progressively worse to the point of him not being able to have an erection. Now I know that not being able to ejaculate is an actual medical condition that can eventually cause erectile disfunction.

He never wanted to even talk about it let alone see a doctor about it. I've stayed quiet and faithful for so many years that now sex is not even a part of our relationship. We don't talk about it, we don't think about it.

I recently turned 40 and feel like I have wasted my best years on this man and not having sex, but at the same time I can't bring up the courage to leave and I don't even know if I want to. I still love him and what kind of person would I be for leaving someone because they have a medical condition right?!

I don't know what to do or even think. This is so messed up isn't it?

Haha I got the same kind of PM 🙄 I just want to talk about this seriously with people. I can’t be the only one.

I think I’d be ok financially but I don’t have a support system around me and family lives very far away which doesn’t help.

I understand how it may seem that way but he’s not banging dudes. We’re never apart, there’s no “business trips” or nights out with “his friends”, we’re always together. He can’t get an erection so he’s not banging anyone, hence why it’s so hard to simplify it and leave. In a way, I kind of wish he was banging dudes, it would be a lot easier and straightforward, I wouldn’t hesitate to end the relationship.

Stay away from those horrible scamming sites like Illicit Encounters. Full of fakes and idiots. There's probably a thousand fake accounts for each genuine one.
There will be someone out there who will give you the attention you need and deserve. Not because they have to, but because they want to.
I need to listen to my own advice sometimes lol.

You say he is obsessive about exercise and has numerous hobbies. Unless you attend the gym with him and are involved in all his hobbies are you sure he isn't up to anything? Sorry, I don't want to upset you or worry you just cheats always have lots of hobbies whilst not being physically attracted to their partners so I really would do some snooping.

If he is just asexual I would suggest separating. 40 is too young to be stuck in a sexless relationship especially as he won't even discuss it. Or suggest you have an open marriage that might spur him into making an effort with you.

Yeah not into that. Also got a PM asking me if I wanted someone to watch me masturbate amongst other things 😂 I may be sexually frustrated, but I’ve come here to share my experience and discuss things with people, not to find a thing on the side.

We have a home gym and he works from home, he never goes anywhere ☹️

He loves cycling and kitesurfing and he does both with his brother (he lives five minutes away) and he listens to vinyls at home all evening after his exercise. Then we may watch something on TV together before bed.

We do a lot on weekends (at my initiative), like go to dinner, the cinema or live music shows and it’s always lovely, but yeah, no sex at the end of the evening.

That’s it. That’s our life. He’s never with anyone else other than me and his brother and parents. At least I see friends from time to time.

Something just does not add up. A young guy obsessed with fitness who isn't interested in sex. It isn't a medical condition if he perhaps has other interests that turn him on that he won't discuss with you.

You've 2 choices to accept this friendship for the next 40 years or to realise you deserve to feel irresistible, to separate and find someone who realises physical intimacy is an important part of a healthy relationship. Good luck

Thing is, I’m sure he’s desperate to do it to but he physically can’t, so it’s not really disinterest. It’s desperately trying to ignore the elephant in the room.

My husband wasn't interested in intimacy for nearly 5 years. We've recently started having some intimacy (no pentration yet). After years of saying everything is fine, he says he's realised he's had anxiety over it this whole time, he says he's never been good at it and the first few months when we got together he had ED-he says that has always stuck in his head.
He also said he was masterbating during this time, despite turning me down because it was easier and didn't require mental effort.
I feel it's only when I seriously spoke to him around 8 months ago about going our separate ways because of the lack of intimacy , that's when he began to take notice and tried to work on our relationship, opened up more and made an effort to please me.
We've started just incorporating intimacy in the bedroom and not full penetration so that there isn't pressure on him.

Maybe your husband is feeling something similar? He really needs to open upto you and be honest. If there isn't anything else at play then deep down he is probably feeling really bad about this as my husband said it made him question his manhood.

Hope things get better for you.

You deserve to feel desired, loved and cared for. It doesn’t sound like this was the case even when you had an active sex life.

Sex doesn’t have to mean penetration, nor does it have to mean both people reaching a climax. It’s sad that he doesn’t agree.

This sounds extremely similar to my situation and what I think is going through his head. He also says the same about masturbating, how that's easier.

You say you only mentioned it about 8 months ago, if you don't mind me asking, what happened during the previous 4+ years? Did you ever address it in any way or just lived with it?

How long have you been married?

I'd say I agree, but I am also desperate for penetration. Gosh, that sounds so awful and porny 😂but I really do miss it.

I am certain though, that he would be just as frustrated if we only did other things, but isn't that most men?!

It doesn't sound porny, it is natural to want those sensations. Do you use toys? With or without the DH? Do those satisfy your physical needs or not?

I have used those kind of toys in the past but they really didn't do it for me. They're so...plasticky, without a warm body attached to them. Think it depressed me even more, without any intimacy or connection to anyone. Vibrators are a different thing and a quick fix, but don't address everything either.

So it is the emotional connection, body warmth, passion and feeling desirable that you miss. Completely understandable, some difficult choices ahead for you.

'He also says the same about masturbating, how that's easier.'

So he doesn't have a medical condition, he can get erections and ejaculate he is just choosing not to with you?

Sorry op, agree with a pp some difficult decisions ahead for you. Imo his complete refusal to talk about it or do anything about it would be the biggest issue. Does he watch a lot of porn do you know?

@Janiie you make a really good point. There is definitely no physical issue. That leaves some possible reasons, 1) he has just lost his drive, 2) he has developed some hangup about the OP. Sees her as a mother to the children and not as a sexy attractive woman 3) has some form of performance anxiety for some reason, or 4) is worried about contraception and risking more children?

@dodaleta do any of those reasons resonate?

He had actually admitted that he never gets a full erection when masturbating, he remains quite soft but can still come. You can’t have sex with half an erection really. I suppose I could’ve specified that earlier.

There is a physical issue. He can’t get hard enough, ever.

we don’t have children btw

Ah right. That is unusual.

Anyway, time for some open discussion op. I do feel he isn't being quite truthful here. You say you got together young perhaps he has hangups or even hidden kinks that he hasn't ever faced let alone discussed? I've never heard of anyone masturbating with a soft penis. Happy to be corrected.

Good luck I hope he opens up to you and you can plan a way forward .

Have you suggested or tried a cock ring? Or pump to help him get / stay hard?

Yes, I did address it multiple times but it just made things worse. I still don't know why but he took the conversation as more stress to deal with. He used to also say things like our 2 children are young and he's stressed with work and finance. So I backed off and didn't want to push things too much.
8 months ago it just too much for me and I realised I can't live like that forever so I told him that.
We've been together over 8 years, and he was the same, never a full erection but it somehow worked just about.
I'm not sure how it will be if we have penetrative sex, but doing other things his erection is good.
I've also questioned in my head whether he's asexual, into someone else ,all sorts but he's a very supportive husband out of the bedroom. So I'm trying to be patient.