Is this a me problem or him problem (oral sex)

[Choco23]

Been with DH 15 years.

Recently been dissatisfied with sex as not much foreplay (never goes down on me etc) and I mentioned this to him and my need to feel desired to get me in the mood rather then a kiss and straight to sex.

When I brought up the subject he finally admitted he's never willing to go down there as the times he's done it he didn't like the taste even when fresh of the shower (said it tasted sweaty and a bit like urine). I definitely wash down there and partners in the past have gone down no problem.

I'm glad he was honest but feel quite upset as obviously a personal thing to hear. I said all women secrete so it's never going to be completely odourless and he said he'd prefer a flavoured lube or something so there's no taste at all.

I'm not saying that I'm not a strong taste maybe I am but I shower daily and always make sure downstairs is taken care of.

AIBU to think this is unreasonable of him? To expect a shower first and still not be ok with it?
Or AINBU to think this is an unrealistic expectation?

(I don't have BV as checked before anyone suggests)

They said He might not want to give you oral but he can do lots of other things for you

They did not say "withhold everything until he gives in and does what you want". You just fabricated that part and then got mad about it. Weird.

Yes I know that but it was just a suggestion. If my husband didn't want to go down on me because he said I smell of urine and taste stale I would know there's a serious problem.

Evening, everyone. We've moved this over to the Sex topic now. It didn't feel much like an AIBU and hopefully the OP will get some more frank responses over here.

Well if it tastes bad and smells a bit sweaty and like wee then you are going to assume the taste is sweat and wee.

Have the responses so far not been frank enough 😂

🤣🤣🤣🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮

I think it's very different to a situation where the sexes are switched. A lot of women can't orgasm from PIV alone. Men can. If my partner didn't do oral then I'd never orgasm while being intimate with him. That seems really sad. I couldn't do it.

I'd try the lube and go from there.

Well now we need to cut the pleasantries surely.

Wash ya fanny the second before and squirt some of the cherry lube on! No farts and certainly no peeing before oral
smh

🤷🏻‍♀️😂

@Unwantedadvice serious problem how? With me downstairs or our relationship generally?

it sounds like you’re not sexually compatible!

no one is obliged to do anything sexually that they don’t want to do. He is not being unreasonable to not want to. However he would be unreasonable if he expects to receive oral but not prepared to give it!

you are well within your rights to bin him and move on as sexual compatibility is important, and a bit pants if you’re feeling dissatisfied each time. but the fact you’ve been together 15 years sounds like this has been going on for ages!! Is there anything recently that has made you bring it up with him now? Have you tried to raise it with him in the past?

@mightydolphin how about hands?

It takes an age that way. It's a dealbreaker for me, personally.

@Wigtopia supposed it would come back as he did it in the beginning. We've had 2 DC and just been getting through the early when sex wanes and we are both always tired. I have got my libido back more recently and want to be more adventurous but when I brought this up he mentioned said reasons why he doesn't do it. I have young children and feel like it would be selfish of me to bin the marriage and their family unit for the sake of me seeking oral sex.

I suppose now his comments have also made me feel like another man wouldn't be interested in doing this either if I taste so off putting (my interpretation of his comments not what he said)

It’s weird that you think I got mad, sounds like your doing a bit of your own fabricating 😉
I simply misunderstood which is why I asked what they meant

*early years

Quite the opposite here!

No, you misunderstood. I would ensure he explored other ways to give pleasure. I assume he has hands?

The difference is the man gets to orgasm through PIV. More than half of women don't. So it means no orgasms for the woman

@Choco23 totally respect what you’ve said, children etc.

But the point about thinking your taste would be off putting to other men… you mentioned that he didn’t like doing it with previous partners, and that your previous partners have not had issue giving you oral so do not see this as a you thing or anything wrong with you or your body.

Please don’t see it as anything wrong with you. If years down the line you and he were to split up for whatever reason (this or something else), I would hate for you to get with someone else then feel awkward or embarrassed about receiving oral from someone else because you have negative thoughts in your mind about your self from your DH. There will be lots of men out there who will hate giving oral, lots that will not mind either way, and lots that absolutely love giving it.

Ijust have heard so many women who feel ashamed or embarrassed about natural smells etc so will shy away from receiving.

if your DH is not going to do it at all, I wonder if there is any sec toys out there that can simulate oral that he can maybe “administer” to you so that he is in some way involved? 🤔🤔

🤮🤮🤮 tell him to wash ffs

Why do some men think it's okay to have stinky cocks. Would be a total dealbreaker for me

@Wigtopia thank you for your kind reply.

I have tried sex toys in the past but not in a big way. I never really understood them as it felt like a form of assisted masturbation with OH involved. I always thought reaching climax with a partner was much more intimate and gratifying but maybe I will look into this - worth a try...

"I suppose now his comments have also made me feel like another man wouldn't be interested in doing this either if I taste so off putting (my interpretation of his comments not what he said)"

Well, this isn't true. I just don't think your DH likes giving oral (I think some men don't particularly like vaginas - I had a partner once who had the same excuse about not liking it. He said a previous partner's hygiene wasn't so good but he never showed any interest in trying with me. I really don't think he particularly wanted to be 'down there' with any woman).

I also think that women are often made to feel bad about their natural smells - but there's no reason why we should be 100% scrubbed and 'disinfected' for fear of being called smelly or dirty.

Like a lot of women, I've always felt embarrassed and worried about being given oral. Eventually, I just thought, 'Well, if he's down there and staying down there (and coming back for seconds) he must be enjoying it/me so I'm going to stop worrying about it".

I'm sorry you're going through this and feeling bad about yourself.

If you get a toy work out what works for you and then show him exactly what to do. He should be involved with getting you off however that needs to happen. Start demanding that your needs get met as well as his. If he doesn’t want to do oral that’s ok, but then you (both) need to find something that does work, not just forego your pleasure because it’s inconvenient and he wants to get on with what works for him.

start expecting more OP

It has taken 15 years to get him to have this conversation?????

As a 40 something female who is well past the curious stage, let me assure you that there is nothing unpleasant about going down on a freshly showered woman, so please have no concerns there. And as a PP has said you don’t need to be “scrubbed and disinfected”. Feeling a partners responses is, in my view, a pleasure in itself.

Some people on this forum may have heard me say this before, that in the past l have been criticised (someone even called me “shitty”) for having a little conversation before l have sex with someone new for the first time. To be candid, no oral, no entry. If someone wants to share my body (no one has to for goodness sake) those are my “boudoir rules”.

lt’s a lot more awkward here though as he appears to have done something of a U Turn. Vibeys are fun, but that is a whole different ball game and arguably best used solo. He has the means to deliver and share the celebration with you, it’s selfish and self centred. The way forward though is complex.

let me assure you that there is nothing unpleasant about going down on a freshly showered woman, so please have no concerns there.

That's a really stupid reply because it’s a matter of opinion. Some people like it, others don’t. OPs husband obviously does find it somewhat unpleasant so you can’t assure OP of anything.

Whilst he’s allowed decide what he’s willing to do or not do, obviously you can decide that you don’t want to continue a marriage without it OP, if it’s a dealbreaker for you.