Partner has become selfish in the bedroom?

[Littleredhead95]

Name change as this is a very personal subject. 😶‍🌫️ So I've been with my partner for 6 years, I've always been into bdsm (submissive).. it isn't really his kink but we always made it 50/50 so I would help him indulge in his fantasies and I'm open to pretty much anything, he was always open to doing what I liked.. we bought the toys and well.. use your imagination 😂 we are pretty kitted out in the bdsm department. Over the last few years it has become all about him, I've talked to him numerous times about how I feel unheard and that I'm not satisfied In the bedroom. We have great sex but I feel like there's something missing, he won't even do the tame beginner level acts any more. I genuinely feel like this is a massive part of me that has been taken away.. It all came to blows the other night, I made an effort to get myself dressed up and looking good in some of my kinkiest clothes and went downstairs to the lounge in an effort to tease him a little before heading to the bedroom. He started pulling me towards him and was obviously just going to go for it there and then, I told him that we should go upstairs and "play" around like we use to. I went upstairs waiting for him to join me but he never showed up 😂 I went downstairs and there he was.. fully naked lying on the couch! I lost it, told him he was selfish and that I'd had enough of never feeling fulfilled with our sex life. I went upstairs, wiped the war paint off and got changed into the ugliest baggiest top I could find. 🙈 he did try to apologise but I couldn't even stand to talk to him so I just went to bed. We have had sex a couple of times since and he has still made 0 effort to do what I like. 🙄 should I just resign to a boring sex life?! I literally cannot make it any clearer when telling him what I want and I get nowhere! Before anyone says about just withholding sex It won't make a difference, he has a low sex drive and wouldn't be bothered In the slightest 😂 I on the other hand would be.. something is better than nothing 🙈

Thanks for reading if you got this far.. what are your thoughts?

Have you tried to have a conversation about it? It may be that he's just not into BDSM or 'tame beginner level acts' any more and doesn't want to do it. Having that boundary doesn't make him selfish. Selfish in the bedroom, to me, is when they don't even bother with foreplay etc to make sure you're having a good time. Does he do that?

@NotAgainBrian yes we have had multiple conversations about it, he has never really been "into it" himself but has always made the effort and seemed to enjoy it in the moment. He hasn't mentioned that it has suddenly become a turn off or anything in that sense.. it also drives me mad that he still expects me to help him live out his fantasies (that aren't really my thing but I do for him) and can't make the effort to reciprocate. That is what I mean by selfish.. you may not see it that way but it's certainly how I feel! He has never been selfish around foreplay and always makes sure I cum first but I still never feel satisfied as I'm missing a massive part of what I find exciting in the bedroom.. as I say, I feel like I'm missing something!

In the nicest possible way, I don't think he likes bdsm. If he did once, he doesn't now. You aren't to blame for his and maybe he should have indicated this sooner than six years down the line.

Also, I am very naive but surely if you're a sub then you'd not be cumming 1st would you?

@Holidayhouse1010 that is what I'm worried about.. as selfish as this sounds I can't spend the rest of my life having vanilla sex, doing whatever he likes while never being fully satisfied myself. I know I'm going to have loads of people saying how ridiculous that is and as I said above I know its selfish but I just can't do it! Regarding the not cuming first part due to being a sub isn't true, BDSM isn't all about just pleasuring your partner 😊

OP, this isn't his fault. He's not into it, he tried for a while for your sake but as time goes on he's realised it's just not for him. It sounds like you need to separate as I can't see any way for this to work.

I think it sounds like you don’t match up in that department but you need a very open discussion. He obviously really doesn’t want to do it.

So what are his fantasies? You say you are fulfilling these and also he has a very low sex drive. is he still asking for what he wants and yet not reciprocating or is it that his fantasies aren’t happening either (because of his low sex drive)?

Is everything else ok in your relationship? Do you live together? Maybe the relationship has run it’s course?

I know this isn't his fault, it feels incredibly stupid to end a six year relationship over this.. we have two children together and share the same hobbies, we are best friends but there is this massive hole.. I've suggested an open relation but he isn't Keane (I don't blame him). I just can't bare the thought of spending the rest of my life having a sex life that I'm not happy with. (I'm 27)

Would he take you to a swingers club or allow you to play with another dom, with him involved?

@FlamingoFloss sex in public places and vanilla things like that.. obviously not within the public eye but the excitement of possibly being caught/heard 😂 we conceived our son while fishing which is one of our joined hobbies. Everything else in our relationship is perfect and yes we live together.

@Deargodletitgo no, he is completely closed off to those ideas.. I have suggested these kinds of arrangements before

I completely understand where you are coming from and it’s not like he didn’t know this when you got together. It’s really tricky as was obviously a part of you relationship from the start and now he seems to not want a part in it.
it’s even harder when the rest of your relationship is good and you have children together.

@FlamingoFloss I know.. it's quite a sticky situation! I'm planning on having a conversation with him tonight and not letting him worm his way out of it. I won't be pointing fingers or shaming him, I just need to know if we can make this work.. I don't want to force him into doing something he is uncomfortable with, I just want us to both be happy wether that's together or separate.. It would break me to have to leave him though!

I wish my wife was beam submissive! Peoples sex preferences / needs do evolve, but sex shouldn't be a reason to split imo. If that's all you have in a relationship that's pretty sad, but I totally get that it's important and he should be willing to meet your needs, there is a difference between being into something and being willing to try and please even if you're not that into it.

Okay so he just came back from work for a ciggy.. cheeky I know 😂 we live on site where he works. I told him we have to have a serious conversation later on and he wouldn't leave without me telling him.. I explained the situation and told him that I know it's not his thing but it is mine, we have great sex but I'm not ever satisfied after. I said that if he just can't do it anymore and that we're no longer compatible that's fine and we will have to work something out.. he said it's not that he can't do it and doesn't want to, he has just gotten out of the swing of things and needs a gentle nudge. To which I replied that I've been doing subtlety by slapping his ass hoping it would be reciprocated but to no avail and handing him my hair during the act telling him "hold this" 🙈😂 hoping he would get the message.. anyway I told him I don't expect it to occur every time but it should be 50/50 and that it isn't even 1/99 at the moment.. he completely agreed and has promised to give me a good seeing to. 🤭🤣 hopefully this will be the last conversation over the matter! 🤞here's to hopefully great sex and a happily ever after 🥂

@5thCommandment I get what you're saying and my relationship certainly isn't all about sex, we have two beautiful children, share an amazing hobby together (fishing) and are each others best friends BUT theres a saying - life is too short for shit sex. Now I'm not saying the sex is shit but it certainly isn't what I'm after 😂 anyway if you read the above comment this is hopefully all sorted, we will see! As for hoping your misses would give it a go.. have you ever talked to her about it? From what I understand the majority of women enjoy some kind of rough sex 👀 all the ladies I know anyway 😂 maybe I just have a dodgy friends group!

Please don't tell a strange man on the Internet that most women like rough sex.

OP, it seems to me like you are expecting him, or cornering him into doing sex acts he's not really comfortable with. Just because he's a man, doesn't necessarily mean he'll be into dominating you. Some men might find treating women in this way in bed to be traumatic. Even if they know you enjoy it and have asked for it, they are having to physically act out degrading acts on another person. My friend's partner used to have a girlfriend who used to be really into BDSM and he played along, but it affected him for a long time afterwards.

I love rough sex 🤷‍♀️

Wtf how dare you say most women like rough sex? You want him to hit you and pull your hair, you have young kids. He orob doesn't want to hurt you, it is hardly sexual to make him feel like a violent abuser. If you do split andge dora it to someone else they will find it assault! You are quite young too.

I'm a woman who doesn't like "rough" sex at all, I do not want a man to do anything that could even be interpreted as violent to me, in bed or otherwise.

Glad you sorted it. I think a straightforward conversation is always the best way. Although I've got to say, I wouldn't break up an otherwise happy family in the pursuit of a certain style of sex.

🤣 nothing wrong with a bit of spanking and getting your hair pulled!

It is sexual assault and there is a lot wrong with it. It is not normal to encourage men ti attack women during sex. Wtf??!

There's nothing wrong with it between consensual partners, sure. There's everything wrong with it if you're not into it and didn't ask for it. A man who spanked me or pulled my hair would be out on his arse faster than he could put his cock away.