Partner has become selfish in the bedroom?

[Littleredhead95]

Name change as this is a very personal subject. 😶‍🌫️ So I've been with my partner for 6 years, I've always been into bdsm (submissive).. it isn't really his kink but we always made it 50/50 so I would help him indulge in his fantasies and I'm open to pretty much anything, he was always open to doing what I liked.. we bought the toys and well.. use your imagination 😂 we are pretty kitted out in the bdsm department. Over the last few years it has become all about him, I've talked to him numerous times about how I feel unheard and that I'm not satisfied In the bedroom. We have great sex but I feel like there's something missing, he won't even do the tame beginner level acts any more. I genuinely feel like this is a massive part of me that has been taken away.. It all came to blows the other night, I made an effort to get myself dressed up and looking good in some of my kinkiest clothes and went downstairs to the lounge in an effort to tease him a little before heading to the bedroom. He started pulling me towards him and was obviously just going to go for it there and then, I told him that we should go upstairs and "play" around like we use to. I went upstairs waiting for him to join me but he never showed up 😂 I went downstairs and there he was.. fully naked lying on the couch! I lost it, told him he was selfish and that I'd had enough of never feeling fulfilled with our sex life. I went upstairs, wiped the war paint off and got changed into the ugliest baggiest top I could find. 🙈 he did try to apologise but I couldn't even stand to talk to him so I just went to bed. We have had sex a couple of times since and he has still made 0 effort to do what I like. 🙄 should I just resign to a boring sex life?! I literally cannot make it any clearer when telling him what I want and I get nowhere! Before anyone says about just withholding sex It won't make a difference, he has a low sex drive and wouldn't be bothered In the slightest 😂 I on the other hand would be.. something is better than nothing 🙈

Thanks for reading if you got this far.. what are your thoughts?

OP, and others: fine to engage in consensual activity on your own terms.

The issue is saying confidently to a man you don’t know that ‘the majority’ of women enjoy rough sex.

Tell partners what you like. There are too many porn addled men, men with dodgy attitudes to women etc, and you have no business speaking on behalf of ‘the majority’ of women and making them think rough sex is what most women want.

@Cowlover89 I find it mental that people get so defensive about women liking being treated like a naughty girl 😉

Haha its crazy isn't it 😅

I don’t think a bloke trying to choke a woman is ‘treating her like a naughty girl’. I think it verges far more onto ‘rape murder attempt’ and it was never a thing before some much weird ass porn.

Weird referring to yourself as a girl in the context of this- is naughty woman not as sexy to you? Ew.

I think its very clear the abuse has led to these odd kinks. This causes harm to other people too. Mn should delete this now.

What a ridiculous comment.

Hardly. I enjoyed kink well before I went through the trauma.

@MarshyMcMarshFace I didn't say "here's your green card, go and spank your misses".. okay so if you turn to good old Google it says up to 60% of women fantasise about being dominated, that's a pretty high statistic.. some would even go so far as to say the majority. 😬 go and tell google to stop telling people the truth too while you're at it! People also keep leaving out the part where I told him to speak to his misses about it 👀 I'm pretty sure that men are smart enough to read this and not go "littleredhead95 said it's okay, imma spank the Mrs."

Imagine a man coming on here and saying his wife doesn't want to do certain sex acts .. He'd be told to stop trying to force her and called every name under the sun.
It really doesn't matter that he used to be into it, he obviously isn't now. It goes both ways, stop guilt tripping your husband into sex that he doesn't want!

@my82my show me the part where I said "he doesn't want to" or where I'm being forceful 🙄 If you can't speak to your partner about your sexual wants/needs/desires then I pity you!

I don't think anybody is denying that those of you who say you like rough sex do actually like rough sex. But when you say "the majority of women" or "all my friends" you are giving the impression that virtually all women are into this. A number of PP are pointing out the dangers of this, for both men and women.

Right I think we are finished with this subject.. I can't say right from wrong. I'm sorry If I offended anyone!

60% of women questioned for that poll like rough sex.

Not quite the same as 60% of all women

I was thinking the same.

Still when the ED starts happening the OP won't care as long as she getting her hair pulled.

Your minds are clearly made up on all of this but choking during sex us incredibly dangerous.

You may think safe words will be enough but the time between it being fun and loss of consciousness can be very brief and if your partner doesn't notice then there can be serious consequences.

It's why legislation has been brought in specifically to deal with non-fatal strangulation.

"fantasize about being domineered" is not the same as liking rough sex, though. You can fantasise about something without ever wanting to play it out in reality.

Also this sentence is utter madness: "I should probably learn not to come to mumsnet for advice as you get so many catty comments! Thanks to the ladies that understood what I meant, enjoy your spankings! 😜 also if you're happy to settle for the same sex day in, day out then good for you.. we are all unique!"

If that was aimed at me, what I said was in no way "catty" (but good to see that you're consistent in the misogynistic way you talk about women - "naughty girl"??). I just said that you are mistaken to say most women like rough sex. It ISN'T provably true (and I suspect that it is in fact false). When you say, with zero evidence, that most women like right sex, you hand men an excuse to pressure women. "Most women like it, what's wrong with you?? Just try it, most women like it! Come on, just a bit of choking, you'll see, you'll love it just like normal women do".

I understand what you mean. I just disagree with you.

Not liking rough sex is not the same as having the same sex every day though, is it? You could have a different style for every day of the year and still not like being hit. Also it sounds like you like the same type of sex day in day out. So much so, that you want it all the time. So not really sure how that's a point against what I'm saying

OP I understand where you are coming from. But I think you are wrong pressuring your partner to do things he is simply not wanting to do. He just doesn't like it and doesn't need it. He's allowed to have his boundaries and not to cross them, even if it is for your pleasure. So your choices in this situation are to accept that this is what your sex life is, or leave since he will not accept an open relationship.

A partner who does not share your interest in being kinky is not being ''selfish''.

He is probably simply bored with acting sex scenes that he does not really enjoy and sex ends up feeling like a chore to him.

And no the majority of women do not enjoy ''rough sex''...

It usually is best for people who are into kinks/fetish to pair up with others who share the same interests rather than to try to make someone who is basically vanilla into a kinkster.

I am also wondering if this posts are real... the emojis overload, the obvious immaturity...

I'm not denying that some women do like rough sex. I was just asking how on earth we got here. How can women be so enthusiastic about their own abuse and humiliation. It's obviously influenced by the culture we live in. If we lived in a culture where women were equal and violence against women wasn't seen as cool and sexy and women were actually allowed to have a sexuality outside of the male gaze, no one would be begging to be choked!

Can you imagine if a man had come on here complaining that his wife didn't do want he wanted her to do to her?

They would all be saying he's a selfish wanker and LTB.

I think I would have a low sex drive with someone who described my desire as ‘vanilla’ and ‘tame things like that’ too.

Alongside most of the ‘kink’ community, the sneering way you regard other people’s sexual desire comes across loud and clear.

Your desires are not more ‘interesting’ or ‘wild’ or whatever else you fondly imagine them to be than other people’s.

I like being spanked and hair pulled because it feels amazing 🤷‍♀️ my partner knows what I like. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it.

OP you don’t speak respectfully of your partner and you act like a spoiled brat when you don’t get your own way. You’re not exactly showing yourself in a great light here.

Maybe he’s just had enough of trying to get into your lifestyle. Whatever the issue, you need to sit down with him and have a very serious discussion, rather that trying to shock and insult posters who have taken the time to respond to you.

I’ve been to a lot of gallery’s / museums this summer and trust me, kinky sex has been around long before the invention of porn. I think people’s concerns here aren’t for those who genuinely enjoy rough sex, and many women do, actually genuinely do (not just to please a man) but some women go along with it as they think men expect it now as it’s so common in porn. I think this is where the danger lies, women not confident enough to say no, I don’t like this, I don’t want to do it.

But this post is about consenting adults and I agree no-one should be forced to perform sexual acts they aren’t comfortable with. This guy has agreed to get back to it but if you find yourself back here in a few months OP then I think it’s probably time to realise that you’re not sexually compatible (and many couples aren’t).