Question for men - could you stay in a relationship without penetrative sex??

[roinndosgrion]

I have gynae issues which cause me to often not be able to have sex. There is a chance that I'll have to stop completely and it's making me so sad . Sad for myself but most of all for my relationship of nearly two decades. He is only mid 40s. How can I expect him to go without penetrative sex forever??

He says it doesn't matter but then gets frustrated and withdrawn when I can't do it. Oral has always been a big part of our sex life and I am happy to still do that.

I'm interested to know honest opinions if other men would stay etc.

@DifficultSexLife I'm sorry to hear about your wife and your situation. Can I ask, if your wife enthusiastically participated in non PIV stuff with you such as giving you oral, do you think you would still feel the same way and be seeking elsewhere?? Thanks for replies

While that’s a hypothetical question… I guess so.
However it’s complicated
Men like to be desired too
Enjoy DW being sexy flirty and fun
Its not just the mechanics of PIV
Currently communicating about sex is a real challenge and quickly gets emotive
We don’t want to breakup but it’s hard to envisage years more of sexual frustration.

A (simple TURPS) prostate operation was delayed by Covid. I was very unwell and had an emergency operation. Now I has been 3 years with catheter. Not only unable to pee but NO libido. Do not even want or think about sex.

We have been married over 40 years. We carried on an active sex life until the catheter was fitted.
Why are we happy? Dunno; we just are.

100% agree with the men want to be desired comment, I’m always amazed by the number of comments on this forum from women who say their husbands/partners are not interested in sex another and it does sometimes make me wonder if they still make their partners feel desired ?

My wife had to have an operation to cut tumors out of her womb. Fortunately it was successful and she is back to her old self, but penetrative sex is now very painful for her. We were told by the surgeon it might take up to six months before she could. In fact we waited longer so we wouldn’t cause any injuries. But when we have tried it, I can see it’s hurting her so we stop. A few times she has said she’s fine, but I can see she’s gritting her teeth and having a hard time of it, so I stop. We don’t try at all any more so instead we try to make the best of non-penetrative sex. I’m disappointed that life has turned out this way, but what can you do? It’s not her fault at all, and for better and for worse etc. I’m lucky to have her.

Thanks for your reply @Undercoverforabit . Can I ask how long it has been and are you still close?? I think the two things I'm most worried about is us losing that closeness and also him meeting and falling for someone who can give him penetrative sex.

I really appreciate and commiserate with your sad and difficult situation.
There are things you are worried and concerned about, and others things that may or may not happen.
For me, be kind to yourself. Only worry about the things that you can control or influence. So while you can’t stop him falling for someone else, you can improve your communication with him (as you have already said). You have been together for a long time, and that is a testament to each other and your family unit. You are both still together and you don’t want to lose that closeness. Sex changes over time in a long relationship but you can find ways to keep the closeness. Oral and non PIV sex as has been said, but you can’t change his desires for PIV yet you still worry, because you might lose him. It’s difficult to see an easy way out, but it’s inevitable that each of you will have to make compromises to each other, accepting each other. And that does require lots if patience and lots more understanding but above all respect for each other and communication.
I have no answer for you, just as I have no answer for myself…..
(happy to DM if it would help)

@Undercoverforabit I agree with what you have said, for me I too am lucky to have my wife and family. Can’t imagine life without them…..

It has been three years, and yes, I would say we are still close. We enjoy doing things together, but not in each other’s pockets, and we laugh a lot, fool around and have fun. When we found out she had to have her operation I’d have given anything at all for everything to be all right with her, so I can cope with this, even though it is disappointing.

@DifficultSexLife Thanks for replying. I'm sorry about your situation too. I know what you mean about trying not to worry about things I can't control. I'm a worrier by nature and find that really difficult at times, not to worry and ruminate.

Ultimately, I think I need to communicate more authentically with him. I wish though that he would communicate full stop!!

@Undercoverforabit Thanks. It sounds like you and your wife have a good relationship. My situation is a little different in that my medical problems are not life-threatening, so I think maybe he finds it more difficult to be understanding. I did have a scare over something unrelated to sex though and I saw how much it affected him, but for the non life threatening stuff he does not seem as understanding.

Our kids are older so there isn't that really keeping us together. I just hope we can make it through this. It may not be forever I cannot have sex, but also there's a chance it could be, and it will probably be at least a couple of years given how long the wait lists for surgery are.

I think this is how long is a piece of string question, if you look at the relationship board there are regular posts from women in relationships where the man had ED & if it’s a new relationship the woman is generally told to dump the man & I think the same thing should be true for men really, newish relationship & women cannot have sex then dump her.

but in longer relationships I think most people would look for alternatives - if the rest of the relationship is still strong

This is not quite the same as it was the man's sexual function that became impaired, but the couple's love and care for each other meant they carried on and found new ways. For me that's entirely what sex is about.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jun/24/this-is-how-we-do-it-sex-is-less-frequent-since-my-accident-but-weve-discovered-new-tricks

I think communication is more of a problem than your medical issue. There is not much you can do yourself about your medical other than leave it to the experts. Communication is the real key to success. You've still got your libido so you could both treat this as a excuse to experiment to keep your mojos going. Hopefully your partner will know just how disappointed you are too about not been able participate in penetrative sex. You say neither of you are good at communicating but now is the time to put that right. Also maybe stop PIV all together for now so he can't be disappointed about not finishing something that he's started?

@Catullus5 Thanks for that link, I'll check it out.

I bought a book on techniques for non-piv stuff, which was interesting, but I was too shy to tell him I bought it. Maybe I could just use the techniques anyway!!

@Anotherbloke1 Thanks for replying. Unfortunately things have not improved since I first posted. I've been avoiding him a lot (which I know is not ideal). He said last night that he will never 'forgive' me for my reactions to these health issues 'reducing us' to this. I replied that he is not taking any responsibility for his part for hurting me by looking grossed out when I tried to talk about it with him, and of huffing when I couldn't do it. Now he has switched to ignoring me. Great. Luckily the dc are on holiday at their grandparents.

Yes, you are right, I think it's communication. Either that, or he is just an asshole and trying to make out he isn't, or I am, or both!!

Any ideas what to say to get through to him?

He sounds stubborn (something we can all relate to).
You may not feel like it but whilst your kids are away, cook a nice meal, bottle of fizz and both sit down to talk over a meal. Think you both may need to accept you've gone around things the wrong way. He needs to accept your as upset as much as him about sex but he also needs to know you need him for support.
It's not like he's been neglected as you've already said you give him oral & foreplay. Try spicing that department up, different techniques, massage, prostate play etc. If he ups his game and accepts his responsibility then bring sex toys into the equation male only if you can't use any. Hope for the sake of your marriage he acts like a caring husband.

He said last night that he will never 'forgive' me for my reactions to these health issues 'reducing us' to this

This is not right at all. He's forgetting that you're the one suffering the health issues.

What does he mean by your reactions anyway?

@Catullus5 I'm assuming he means me avoiding him recently. I have been noticeably avoiding him compared to usual, it's true. It's not ideal, but it's how I deal with things if I get overwhelmed.

Whilst we can all give our opinion to how we’d feel if we couldn’t have PIV again, everyone is different and whilst some may say they’d accept it, there will be people who can’t. There is no right or wrong answer.

We all have our limits. And having a discussion while you're overwhelmed won't work.

Does he know that's how you feel?

Yeah I've told him that I feel overwhelmed with both the medical problems I'm dealing with and the relationship stuff.

He doesn't want to have any discussion, he is the type that would rather gauge his own eyes out! I feel like he just wants us to not discuss it and go on as normal, whatever that means, but I am scared for our relationship, if it will survive the long period (could be years, with NHS wait lists) of no sex. I feel he is just sticking his head in the sand about it, and that's why I find myself withdrawing from him.

Well, if you’d asked younger me I’d have said no. As I’ve got older (I’m only early 40s lol) it’s become about more than penetrative sex as that not happening has gradually led to a lack of intimacy and nothing ever happening, except on very rare occasions and, without fail, always instigated by me. This is (seemingly) for no reason at all, or at least it’s never been made clear to me why.

Long story short, I’m in a relationship without penetrative sex and I’m still here. Obviously kids complicates that as it’s not just about me.

@runnerjp Sorry about your situation. Not sure if I understand, do you mean that initially your partner could not have penetrative sex for medical reasons, but then it just dwindled to nothing at all?

@roinndosgrion sorry, I sort of took the question at face value. It’s not medical for her, although clearly some mental health issues will affect her sex drive. We’ve just become a sexless marriage.