Page 3 | Illicit encounters (i.e.)

soloinaduo · 2023-01-22T14:49:22+00:00

M here. (loving open marriage) Didn't want to hijack the "sex chat" forum. Reading the sex chat posts, it's clear many F are in sexless, non intimate relationships and seek that missing element of their lives elsewhere, without wanting to break things up. Obviously, M are well known for doing exactly that since the dawn of time, rarely honestly!! (Stereotype!!) I've met dozens of F via i.e. often just for coffees, and the majority are the same. Some are honest with partners about being on i.e. and others not. Many say it saves their marriage. Do many mumsnetters take that next step and use use i.e. or similar? How has it worked out for you? I've met some really honest and lovely women on there, and rarely actually involving sex.....more "agony uncle" [smile]

Violet90 · 30/01/2023 08:04

legustanlosdos · 30/01/2023 07:03

It’s interesting that sex is the one area of a marriage/partnership where you aren’t allowed any compromise, and yet it’s one of the easiest areas where solutions are available.

If you have differing views to your partner about money, or whether to have children, or how to bring those children up, it’s really difficult to compromise on those matters. And yet it’s acceptable to talk about them.

If one partner wants more sex, sex with another gender, kinkier sex, whatever- something their partner can’t offer, this can be solved quite easily by looking outside the partnership. It can be solved in a way that different needs with regards to money or children or parenting values can’t.

And yet it’s the one area where society says it taboo to look for these solutions.

I think it’s also interesting that even where people do acknowledge that looking outside marriage might be justifiable, a hierarchy of prejudices remain. Just look at this thread- an interesting discussion about men and women whose needs aren’t met in a sexless marriage. When an apparently bisexual woman implies she’s looked to meet her needs outside her relationship (presumably with another woman), she gets abuse and we have all of the deleted posts.

When you’re married there’s a huge emphasis on fidelity and monogamy, anything out of the realms of normal society expectations is frowned upon. I settled for a monogamous relationship but there are many times where I’ve questioned whether it’s for me.

Siameasy · 30/01/2023 10:52

I got the sex surge at around 45 too. I only heard of it on here. Agree with a PP I now dress “sexy” and work out a lot (to burn off energy-I feel up for it all the time). My DH is younger but I feel a bit like a predator.
Even seem to be attracting much younger men I’m talking 19. Cringe. Apparently they’re into older women. I wouldn’t go under 30 though.

Wherearemymarbles · 30/01/2023 11:40

I’m not sure society is that bothered by monogamy and I don't see much judgement if people in happy open relationships.

People do judge cheating much more. Personally I think it depends- a sexless marriage is understandable. Being happily married etc and bisexual - I’d judge

NameChangingIsAddictive · 30/01/2023 11:50

@Wherearemymarbles I'm confused!

Society isn't bothered by monogamy that you see. There's not much judgement of happy open relationships that you see. Cheating in a sexless marriage is understandable to you.

But, being in a happy marriage and bisexual attracts your judgement? So this can't come under the happy open relationship banner because the open part might be with a member of the same sex?

Have I misunderstood what you were saying?

Wherearemymarbles · 30/01/2023 12:03

If you are bisexual and in an open relationship and your partner knows you are having same sex sex No problem.

however if your partner doesn't know there is no excuse for that and shows a huge lack of respect and hypocrisy

NameChangingIsAddictive · 30/01/2023 12:08

That would apply whether you were cheating with the same or opposite sex though, and the grey area of being in a sexless marriage would apply too I suspect. Thanks for clarifying.

Reindeerinsummer · 30/01/2023 12:18

@Wherearemymarbles , you prove the point that @legustanlosdos makes.

Its "understandable" for someone in a sexless marriage to look elsewhere. But if you're bisexual it shows "a lack of respect and hypocrisy"?

Why the difference for different sexualities?

Violet90 · 30/01/2023 13:20

Wherearemymarbles · 30/01/2023 11:40

I’m not sure society is that bothered by monogamy and I don't see much judgement if people in happy open relationships.

People do judge cheating much more. Personally I think it depends- a sexless marriage is understandable. Being happily married etc and bisexual - I’d judge

I mean when you’re in a committed relationship, monogamy and fidelity is something people consider normal, if you commit adultery it is frowned upon and causes judgement. We are pushed into thinking we can only desire our SO and anything more than that is unacceptable. On the relationship boards when a woman has posted about being attracted to someone other than her husband she’s told it’s limerence and to focus on her husband. People who are in sexless marriages and seek sex out of their marriage are cheats etc. I don’t think humans are naturally designed to remain in monogamous relationships, that’s why people become unfaithful and seek connections elsewhere in many cases.

Wherearemymarbles · 30/01/2023 13:33

I agree humans probably arn’t wired for monogamy and through the ages men died from disease or fighting and women from disease or childbirth so a monogamous relationship for most probably didnt last more than a few years anyway.
So it comes down to the question of whether you think someone you love has the right to know if you want to have sex with someone else.

I agree that circumstances around cheating are endless shades of grey but for those being cheated on are pretty black and white

Siameasy · 30/01/2023 14:49

Violet90 · 30/01/2023 13:20

I mean when you’re in a committed relationship, monogamy and fidelity is something people consider normal, if you commit adultery it is frowned upon and causes judgement. We are pushed into thinking we can only desire our SO and anything more than that is unacceptable. On the relationship boards when a woman has posted about being attracted to someone other than her husband she’s told it’s limerence and to focus on her husband. People who are in sexless marriages and seek sex out of their marriage are cheats etc. I don’t think humans are naturally designed to remain in monogamous relationships, that’s why people become unfaithful and seek connections elsewhere in many cases.

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I agree and the fact that the Disney marriage is such a rarity and so coveted bears it out.
If a long standing couple boast that they’re still swinging from chandeliers everyone wants to know “how do they do it”. That’s because we know it’s just a dream for most people

rebeccapike910 · 13/04/2023 15:59

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Original poster

soloinaduo · 14/04/2023 14:43

This reply has been deleted

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What a strangely timed response after 60 or so replies over a couple of months....🤔

No problem, you guys are in charge and it's your forum.

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PinotPony · 14/04/2023 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Who is "we"?! You're clearly not from MNHQ.

everywhichway · 14/04/2023 16:08

PinotPony · 14/04/2023 15:24

Who is "we"?! You're clearly not from MNHQ.

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This looks suspiciously like some self-appointed vigilante moderator to me...

NotNowGertrude · 14/04/2023 16:23

When you enter a relationship most couples have a discussion about being exclusive or monogamous & an agreement is made between them. It isn't society that makes this rule, it can be whatever you both want it to be. But if one person decides they don't want to live by this agreed rule anymore part of being an adult is discussing this. Changing your mind & not telling your partner & removing your partners choice of informed sexual consent is disgusting behaviour IMO. All just for a shag? Seriously? Finding out your partner has cheated on you destroys people, I thought I would die from the pain when I found out. I will never understand how sex makes it worth doing that to another human being

KevinFromMotherland · 14/04/2023 16:42

Perhaps @soloinaduo has not been around for a few months and missed the active threads furore.

Original poster

soloinaduo · 14/04/2023 17:14

KevinFromMotherland · 14/04/2023 16:42

Perhaps @soloinaduo has not been around for a few months and missed the active threads furore.

I've been around, just wasn't aware this thread had been involved...
My bad.

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KevinFromMotherland · 14/04/2023 17:32

It probably wasn’t @soloinaduo BUT perhaps there are more watchers now.

rach971 · 14/04/2023 18:21

Been really interesting stumbling upon this thread and reading the replies. Me and my partner have had a discussion a while back and he knows he can't necessarily give me everything that I want and need so has said I can go out and get that elsewhere as and when and if I want to. I haven't, yet, but I know the option is there and I wouldn't need to feel guilty. He wants to be monogamous as he isn't interested in going elsewhere. It works for us but I can see why people would judge

SomeVelvetMorning77 · 15/04/2023 13:33

Really interesting reading. I'm a 45 year old man who spends FAR too much time (and negative energy) wondering how much longer I have to supress my sexual appetite as my wife's has disappeared. Hugely frustrating and really gets me down.

Original poster

soloinaduo · 15/04/2023 15:20

SomeVelvetMorning77 · 15/04/2023 13:33

Really interesting reading. I'm a 45 year old man who spends FAR too much time (and negative energy) wondering how much longer I have to supress my sexual appetite as my wife's has disappeared. Hugely frustrating and really gets me down.

Cover the basics first mate; make sure you're still attractive to your wife, and remember needs change with age, eg. emotional support ...do you still find her attractive?
ie is full of folk hiding from facing up to a changing reality; but it works for many.
Be sure you're sure before venturing in ......

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jaystone · 16/04/2023 07:37

I've always wondered about this site or sites also but I do think they maybe full of boys and fake profiles and it's not cheap but I'm guessing some have had great results by the sounds of it.

jaystone · 16/04/2023 07:38

Bots not boys 😂😂

Original poster

soloinaduo · 16/04/2023 22:19

jaystone · 16/04/2023 07:38

Bots not boys 😂😂

..... 🤔 you were right first time 😂

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NaughtyCheatingWife · 16/04/2023 23:27

Those sites definitely work! I found my 2 fwbs via married dating sites. The men on there are usually serious as they pay a fair whack to be on there.