Illicit encounters (i.e.)

[soloinaduo]

M here. (loving open marriage)

Didn't want to hijack the "sex chat" forum.

Reading the sex chat posts, it's clear many F are in sexless, non intimate relationships and seek that missing element of their lives elsewhere, without wanting to break things up. Obviously, M are well known for doing exactly that since the dawn of time, rarely honestly!! (Stereotype!!)
I've met dozens of F via i.e. often just for coffees, and the majority are the same. Some are honest with partners about being on i.e. and others not. Many say it saves their marriage.
Do many mumsnetters take that next step and use use i.e. or similar? How has it worked out for you? I've met some really honest and lovely women on there, and rarely actually involving sex.....more "agony uncle"

Last contact was just before Christmas. He has done this before though and it’s after each time we meet. Guilt.

But, then returns and says he has accepted he has feelings for me or whatever. It’s making me very unhappy though. I think he wanted to remain friends but the sexual chemistry is too high. I think he finds me attractive and can’t help himself but he can ignore me after something has happened and he just isn’t fair on me. He made it clear he can’t give me what Im looking for but he still has sex with me numerous times (it was cruel tbh).

He will return. But, I can’t continue with it (the sexual side) as it’s affecting me badly.

I have been left alone and lonely. Obviously, divorcing the husband is costing me £££££. OM, of course, gets away with it.

There's only one reason someone (m or f) uses an infidelity based hookup site - and that's to get laid, not look for coffee friends.

The fact that OP has met 'dozens' of women from there that didn't go any further than coffee is because they didn't fancy him so he got friend zoned.

Also, every single person having an affair tells the affair partner that they're not getting any at home/that their marriage is broken/failing. In some cases that'll be true, in many others it won't be - they're actually getting plenty at home, but still cheating.

I disagree @cheshirebloke, I joined the group of women that Maybebe mentioned up thread. I have made some great friends there, people who I can talk to about my situation without judgement. I've met people who adore their partners and people who are committed to their families but who recognise that to bring their best to their main relationship they need to be happy themselves.

Esther Perel is an interesting read.
She makes the point that in Anglo Saxon societies, we’re at a unique point where we expect our partners to be everything- lover, co parent, friend, financial partner. No wonder marriages fail, who can be everything to one person, for six or seven decades?

It wasn’t always this way - we had wider social networks and our marriage was just part of that. Male infidelity was tolerated as long as he was discreet and looked after his family. (Female sexuality just wasn’t acknowledged, so some things have improved.)

I think a lot of marriages would be happier if the fairytale of “happily ever after” were acknowledged for that - a fairytale. Then some of the more nuanced discussions about how you can build a productive lifetime relationship with your partner might not be so taboo. And maybe not everyone who sought something outside of their primary relationship would automatically be labelled “a cheater”.

Great Post @legustanlosdos
OP is a classic time wasters if he just goes on a sex site and gets excited by the possibility of meeting someone but it doesn't happen.

I would tend to agree @legustanlosdos. My first relationship failed for reasons related to alcohol but the last one was because of a huge mismatch in sex drive.

I'm now single and content but miss intimacy so if an encounter came along, illicit or not, it would be lovely to find a lady with the same desire for intimacy, whether as a fwb or as a fellow single looking for some fun...

There do seem to be a number Of posts on here from men and women in sexless relationships where its only the lack of intimacy that seems to be the issue. Maybe seeking what is missing elsewhere would be the answer in some cases...tricky ground though..probably no right or wrong general answer...

Bit harsh.....but I guess you must know what you're talking about because you sound convinced.

Hardly time wasting, not everyone you chat to or meet up with will become a sexual partner. Finding someone you click with and who's circumstances compliment yours is as difficult as traditional OLD with the exception that you can ask those awkward sex and commitment questions up front!

I am reading Esther Perel’s book The State of Affairs and enjoying it.

I’ve often wanted to talk to other women about this sort of thing but the judgement on here is heavy. There are tonnes of threads on here re “husband is cheating” and the replies are the same old basic, reductive and unhelpful drivel eg “scum” “lowest of the low” etc etc

If you’re in a sexless marriage which is otherwise fine you have to get divorced or put up with it.

If you try to suggest any other viewpoint you are pretty much murdering kittens.

Interestingly sexless marriages aren’t a surprise to anyone and a thriving sex life with a marriage seems to be a surprise. What does that tell us?!

name changed for this

@Siameasy I am having an affair with a colleague at the moment. Sexless marriage and my sex drive is off the scale at the moment.

sex with AP is amazing and like nothing before. The things he can do are incredible and it’s all about my pleasure, which is a revelation.

We are very discreet and we can only meet up once or twice a month, always in hotels away from home. we both travel for work together so logistics are simple.

we have no plans to leave our partners. I am aware that we are in an affair fog and it can’t last, but not willing to let go of the mind blowing sex just yet.

My take...people are driven by the need for sexual encounter with another - and it really is easy to understand. But it's not the sex, it's the deception that creates the conflict. Most ppl embark on deception because they think they won't get caught as they indulge a fantasy. Reality has a habit of catching them up in the end.
So the need for discretion is mutually assured on IE or AM - it seems safer than the outside world. But it's where the a divide from an authentic life starts - and never being able to be authentic eats away at happiness in the end.

@Chamenangers this type of thing happens more than we think.
Are you in your 40s by any chance😆”sex drive off the scale”? I am and it’s like being on heat 😵

I don’t blame anyone in a sexless marriage for going elsewhere. I want to feel alive; life is short . You sound like you are getting alot from this liaison. My view is not necessarily popular but if my DH was being sexless, I’d go elsewhere for it. And despite the sheep mentality prevalent on here, things are rarely straightforward as “well leave then”.

After I had DC I was anti sex for ages and I had an inkling that DH did something with a colleague and you know what I don’t blame him. I hope it made him happy. I genuinely mean that as he’s a decent person and I was a horror at the time.

I ended up having an affair too (that started online in a similar forum to this). Sexless marriage for many years (my doing) and, like pp had mentioned, I was mid-40’s and got the sex surge of menopause (I think I hit menopause abruptly as my periods had been regular as clockwork and then nothing one month and nothing since).

I didn’t just get on well with this man sexually but also on every other level out there. Yes, a revelation!!! I’d been inexperienced before marriage and married someone too old and incompatible.

I ended my marriage after having sex with the OM. I went through a rough time with the menopause (didn’t take HRT). GP dismissed my symptoms (although I didn’t mention the horny mess I was in) as he thought I was too young. I was 45!

It did settle but I am still very sexual but single and lonely!! I fell for OM but he called it off when he realised it was unfair on me. Menopause really clouded my judgement and it’s something I would NEVER have done! Ever!!

However, looking back (I’m now 50) it is my biggest regret that I stayed in a sexless marriage!! I was 36 when I last had sex (which was crap) with my husband. There was no affection/intimacy in my marriage at all. I can see how this happened to me and how it happens to others.

Good luck 😉

PS. Nobody tells women about the sex surge of menopause! I had no idea!! I don’t think most women get it but it’s intense when it happens! Lasted over a year for me but has left me still with that need (which, I think, is the opposite of what most women experience).

@Siameasy yes I am late 40s and the surge is real!

I think if I wasn’t having an affair I’d be looking for illicit encounters.

AP has said he is in love but it’s probably limerance, can’t say for sure.

It went on for over 5 years for me so it definitely wasn’t limerence - it was a wake up call that my marriage was nothing more than a friendship. Big wake up call!! As time went on I wanted to be with this man more and more - it was a massive high when I was with him (even going for a walk around a lake) but a long, miserable low when I wasn’t. He wasn’t prepared to leave his marriage so it had to stop. I definitely came off worse.

Just be careful.

This is incredibly interesting. I am 45 and this sex surge is kicking in for me right now. I had never heard of it before it started to happen to me!!

DH has never had much of a sex drive since we met but we weren't too out of kilter. But whereas I once could cope with sporadic predictable sex, now my libido has surged all I can think about is wanting hot, mind-blowing passionate sex. Which he's not that interested in. ☹️

I was 45 when I first noticed it. I hadn’t heard of it either and didn’t discover that it was ‘a thing’ until I’d ended up in the arms of another man!! However, my marriage had been sexless (and lacked all other physical things) for over 10 years - no attraction was the bottom and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him that I wasn’t physically attracted to him. I didn’t realise how much I was starving myself of affection and passion!!

I remember feeling very horny all the time! My choice of clothes changed (to show more off) and I thought about sex all the time! I still couldn’t go near my husband though!

They tell you about periods and pregnancy at school and skim over menopause (hot flushes, mood swings) but nobody mentioned a sex surge!! I’m still sexually charged 5 years after my last period but alone!! 😢

I had to end my marriage. I had to.

@Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
I do think I’ll leave DH eventually.

I am aware that this is not unusual (my situation). A cliche actually.

I think the whole thing highlighted issues in the marriage that were brought to the surface. I‘m not sure if the menopausal hormones were the catalyst behind this but one thing I can say is that I feel deep sadness now that I allowed myself to live in a sexless marriage (with no affection or intimacy) for such a long time. I’d been such a goody two shoes when I was younger that I hadn’t experienced anyone else and didn’t realise that sexual incompatibility exists. I really wish I could go back to being 21 again!!

The fact that OP has met 'dozens' of women from there that didn't go any further than coffee is because they didn't fancy him so he got friend zoned

I had a look on IE, I think anyone would be incredibly lucky to meet “dozens” of women, there are only a few hundred actual live profiles on there

It’s interesting that sex is the one area of a marriage/partnership where you aren’t allowed any compromise, and yet it’s one of the easiest areas where solutions are available.

If you have differing views to your partner about money, or whether to have children, or how to bring those children up, it’s really difficult to compromise on those matters. And yet it’s acceptable to talk about them.

If one partner wants more sex, sex with another gender, kinkier sex, whatever- something their partner can’t offer, this can be solved quite easily by looking outside the partnership. It can be solved in a way that different needs with regards to money or children or parenting values can’t.

And yet it’s the one area where society says it taboo to look for these solutions.

I think it’s also interesting that even where people do acknowledge that looking outside marriage might be justifiable, a hierarchy of prejudices remain. Just look at this thread- an interesting discussion about men and women whose needs aren’t met in a sexless marriage. When an apparently bisexual woman implies she’s looked to meet her needs outside her relationship (presumably with another woman), she gets abuse and we have all of the deleted posts.