Illicit encounters (i.e.)

[soloinaduo]

M here. (loving open marriage)

Didn't want to hijack the "sex chat" forum.

Reading the sex chat posts, it's clear many F are in sexless, non intimate relationships and seek that missing element of their lives elsewhere, without wanting to break things up. Obviously, M are well known for doing exactly that since the dawn of time, rarely honestly!! (Stereotype!!)
I've met dozens of F via i.e. often just for coffees, and the majority are the same. Some are honest with partners about being on i.e. and others not. Many say it saves their marriage.
Do many mumsnetters take that next step and use use i.e. or similar? How has it worked out for you? I've met some really honest and lovely women on there, and rarely actually involving sex.....more "agony uncle"

Rarely involving sex? Really? Did you not fancy them?

Maybe start a thread on here for folk looking for encounters or fwb type arrangements....there do seem to be a lot of people in similar sexless situations 🤔

What’s i.e. ?

Out of interest, what's in it for you @soloinaduo when it doesn't involve sex?

Some friendships are made on there....

The possibility it might when you first chat to someone, but the reality you don't have to cut all ties with everyone you'll never have sex with just because you won't.....if that makes any sense at all !

The thread title.

Yes, I see your reasoning, it's about connections and being able to have open conversations that you might not otherwise be able to have with people for fear of judgement etc.

I used AM and met someone on there. I met lots of men that were in the same situation (sexless marriage and not wanting to change things). Made some really good friends on there as well, some of whom I am still in contact until now. It's the possibility of having an open and frank conversation in a non-judgemental setting. Cheaters are getting roasted on Mumsnet but it's rarely a one side thing - usually the problems in the marriage start years before men make the decision to join the website like AM or IE or many others.

Dumb question but what websites are AM and IE..

Ie is in the thread title, am I'm sure is like a name but it eludes me at the moment

Hi OP - I started a thread a few years ago as a bisexual woman in a hetero relationship - so a bit different to your situation but still looking for something that my primary relationship couldn't provide. My aim was to find people like me who could empathise, support and not judge.

The response was amazing and I am now one of a group of like minded women and it is exactly the supportive and open space that I was looking for. It's really helped me a lot to be able to express my thoughts and feelings and the group has helped a lot of others too.

Unfortunately having this kind of discussion ON the actual MN boards seems to elicit a lot of judgeyness (unless you're on the sex chat thread weirdly 🤷🏻‍♀️).

Illicit Encounters and I think AM is Ashley Madison maybe?!

Maybebe, that's fantastic and yes, contrary to popular opinion, there is a lot of support on these sites. I'm guessing being on an MN sex board is self selecting in itself so we're a little more free here.....just a little!
The downside for the other sites is that men pay to be there (I get it !!) but I've also found it's them that need a lot of the support!!!

Ashley madison, it just came back to me :)

@soloinaduo we (the like minded women) formed our own group precisely because it's so difficult to find something already existing, that fits. We aren't necessarily swingers, we don't necessarily want threesomes so a lot of what's out there just isn't quite right. Being in a situation where you love and respect your primary partner but they don't fulfil everything that you want or need is a difficult thing to talk about in real life. So I applaud your proactivity!

Maybebe, I applaud your initiative, you've clearly helped many like minded women with their personal struggles, 👏.
There was no secret to our middle aged decision making evolution in our marriage; we just talked it out, over quite a long period actually, but we knew and understood ourselves so well, it almost seemed the natural progression for us. We still see ourselves going to the grave together !

I lived in a sexless marriage for over a decade. I married a man ten years my senior and had been very naive/inexperienced and shy back then (still at university when I met him). Being the stupid girl I was, my images of being a mother in a family with two cars
on the drive and a nice house were extremely strong and I think I was driven by that at the time. However, it became very clear that I was ‘turned off’ by my husband not just because he looked a
lot older but also things like connection, intimacy and desires. He was the most pathetic kisser ever and having sex with his was like having sex with a dead fish!!

I accepted it. As many do in sexless marriages. Years went by and, although I felt I was missing something, I didn’t do a thing about it. I just carried on being the mum, the NHS career girl etc. However, it was obviously affecting me more than I’d thought.

Roll on menopause and the sex surge. I couldn’t go near my husband still. Even though I was on heat. So, quite innocently, started chatting online to men to try and find someone who was more in line with me career wise. I had no intention of it being sexual initially! Well, one guy just blew me away. He is also in a sexless marriage. He didn’t want to meet. We did, eventually. We are very similar. Get on extremely well and the passion between us is intensifying. I ended my marriage. It was a wake up call! He didn’t and continued to feel guilty. So, it had to stop.

My only regret is that I didn’t listen to
my inner thoughts years ago and leave him! I was a people pleaser and didn’t want to hurt his feelings but hurt myself instead.

I would have really condoned affairs years ago but now I can see why it happens.

NorthAngel, thank you for sharing. That's a tough life lesson right there. We all appreciate your openness, and many will relate. x

It's very, very easy for someone on the outside to say affairs are always wrong/ anyone in a sexless relationship should just LTB and start over... but every situation is different. Sometimes discreetly meeting your own needs, while still staying committed to your home / family/ partner is the happiest solution for everyone 🤷🏼‍♀️

Finding a place that you can openly talk about it is difficult but so worthwhile!

Thanks and, yes, a massive life lesson!

@LikeMindedLady

Sometimes discreetly meeting your own needs, while still staying committed to your home / family/ partner is the happiest solution for everyone 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes, but most people can’t live like that. I developed feelings for the OM and became apparent that I’d been starved of a fulfilling/passionate relationship. OM felt guilt.

@NorthAngel Have you met anyone since?

Had a few dates and chatted on the phone to a few but nothing special. Trouble is, the OM blew me away! No-one else comes close.

Do you still speak to him now, or did you go NC? I hope you manage to find happiness.