How does your partner initiate sex?

[redbigbananafeet]

Just that really. This is based on a thread earlier today about a lady not liking her partner feeling he has a right to touch her body without Consent, which I entirely agree with. But it got me thinking about morning sex. And I think a neck nuzzle, a stretch response and a hand creeping below is what we tend to do. I'm wondering if I need to up my level of checking for consent first?

As a guy ( for reference ) I find it a wee bit difficult to decipher consent messages.
To be absolutely clear I keep my hands to myself and always ask for permission before any touching.
Not sure what I'm trying to say actually..

Wife doesn't.

I do all the initiating.

It has brought us close to divorce.

How did you initiate? For the record I am not out to shame anyone. Just genuinely interested. I've always been happy but a recent thread made me think.

I'm assuming he means that he always initiates rather than how he does?

We get into bed and start touching and kissing each other. It's usually a mutual thing. He maybe initiates slightly more. We have sex most nights but the nights where I'm exhausted or not feeling well he understands and won't initiate.

Most marriages require that both parties have a romantic interest in each other to be successful.

The fact that only I initiate indicates that I have a romantic interest in my wife, but she has no romantic interest in me.

Why stay in a marriage if you are unloved?

But we are moving away from the reason the OP made the post.

Whaaaaaat..? Of course there needs to be consent but isn't the point that consent can be implied and ongoing and can be withdrawn any time? If you're happy with what's happening where on earth is the lack of consent?

Ways DW and I have initiated:

• "what shall we do this evening?" "Let's watch a film and then have sex?" "Sounds good".
• she flashes me
• she grabs my balls
• I feel her boobs
• "Let's try <insert sex act> " (a bit like let's play Monopoly)

All very direct. And also non-sexual touching that becomes sexual, but over time we've found that the direct approach works best and neither of us gets in a huff at being asked or getting turned down.

The point is that we very clearly consent to each person touching the other person's body, or we're pretty much directly asking for consent by suggesting sex. But it's all very natural.

What’s the other thread ?

It was about 'Husband touching me all the time' or groping or something similar.

It was this one I think.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4571555-sick-of-dh-touching-me-whenever-he-feels-like-it

I think this a quite sad really that one partner doesn’t like the other partner touching them, it really is end of relationship stuff, I’d don’t ask my current partner if I can touch her, and does not ask me either.

By logical extension one partner would have to get “permission” to even initiate touching let alone sex, that’s like sex by appointment only ( maybe it should be ? )

Threads like this always make me think.
I never initiate it.ever he haven't for 6moths now. The only thing hat upsets me is knowing we won't get pregnant I hate sex even reading the posts that say I feel her boobs makes me want to crawl into a hole and die. I've never had a serial bone in my body I miss kissing but the memories of my teenage self doing hat but anything further makes me want to heave

I have some red shoes with very high heels - only one purpose for them.
Sometimes I put them on and walkaround till he notices.
He will put them somewhere prominent if keen.
(ps We do also talk to each other.)

I love the idea of the high heels. Might have to try that!

I think you cant beat starting off with a kiss and see if that can lead into a snog..

Married for 14 years.

last night I went in for the kill….tried to cop a feel of his balls…he declined and said he was too hot. Consent withdrawn and I moved away…isn’t that how it works?

In answer to op everything from a kiss getting steamy to copping a feel.

Reading this has made me realise that I don't really initiate at all with my current partner. We are quite tactile with each other throughout the day, fair bit of touching, hand holding and always kiss each other goodbye etc. When we go to bed I'm still quite tactile - like to cuddle up etc with no expectation of sex. But I've now realised that my partner becomes very passive and it's only when dp wants sex that she cuddles me back, otherwise she turns her back on me and becomes little spoon. So it's effectively my partner initiating every time by responding to me being tactile back - often it's just stroking my arm. Luckily I'm pretty much always up for sex (we don't live together and only get to see each other a couple of times a month).

The counter to this is that even when dp isn't in the mood for sex, I'd still rather like a cuddle and a kiss in bed. Can only think she avoids that because she feels like she'd be leading me on?

Actually, looking back at past relationships, I can't really remember actively initiating sex in any of them - it's always been my partner at the time who's taken the lead. Not sure if that's because they've got used to me always being in the mood and assumed that, or if I've just assumed they're not up for it when they haven't initiated.

He puts MTV RnB on...

I do all the initiating. Well, 99%. Not my preference but that's how it is and has been in twenty five years of marriage. My wife might initiate once every two or three years (no exaggeration).

But we've got a rock solid marriage, love each other to bits and have good, mutually enjoyable sex at least twice a week which is probably the most satisfying we've ever had. There's plenty of non-sexual bedtime cuddling as well which is great with no expectation of anything else necessarily.

But when it comes to sex it's always me who initiates, which I accept now, although for a lot of years it was really tough-going pretending not to mind when I longed for her to initiate sometimes and she never did, and feeling like a sex pest when I suggested sex and she said no, etc. It was a desperately lonely, empty feeling.

I'm way out of the other side of that now. I accept and love her for who she is (and vice versa), understanding a lot more now of what makes her tick as a person, mentally, emotionally and physically.

But - to answer the question - on the rare occasions she does initiate: WOW! She goes straight for it. She doesn't ask permission or anything like that. It's like an overwhelming tidal wave of feminine desire. And do I mind? Absolutely, totally not. It's fantastic. Maybe that's because it happens so rarely. Although I don't think I would honestly ever mind if she did this every single day. But maybe that's just me, as I've always been a randy beggar really. Or maybe it's because we've been married a long time, really do love each other and assume that consent is a given unless one of us makes clear otherwise.

For my part, when I initiate, I can honestly say I've always put the ball in her court as far as whether we have sex or not. I ask and am clear about what I'd like us to do and would she like to do that as well, or maybe something else? "Yes" or "No" is up to her. Often it's "Yes" , which is great.

Apart from the ethical (not to say legal) rightness of that, sex can never be the amazing, mutually enjoyable lovemaking experience it can be if both parties are not 100% up for it.

I used to but always got turned down- he was always too tired. I would love him to cop a feel tbh.

My marriage was like this after the first few years, I did all the initiating, it’s a bit depressing after a while TBH, it sometimes feels like if you don’t do anything, there will be no sex ( which is how if finished up), women really need to initiating at least 25% of time or else it just feels like you are putting them under pressure somehow when they really don’t want to.

I hear that totally. It's a very tough place to be. And I completely realise that it could be either the man or the woman in the situation of being "sole initiator". But when it feels like you're the only one in the relationship trying to keep the sex side of things going it can feel really burdensome and dispiriting. Your self-esteem can hit rock-bottom at times.

We had conversations about it sometimes but it made no essential difference. She clearly heard where I was coming from but couldn't for whatever reason respond by initiating say once a month and it returned to virtually never. It leaves the questions, do you simply give up on sex altogether but still share your life with the person you love or find a sexually fulfilling relationship with someone else? Both fairly drastic steps.

I never wanted out of our marriage and there is no other woman for me and somehow I kept going. But I think the experience fundamentally changed who I was in some ways. As I say I still do basically all the initiating and my wife does respond happily and enjoys orgasmic sex with me and our marriage is a good, loving and solid one. But in this aspect it has been a long, lonely road for me personally.

I sometimes wonder how many other people, women or men are dealing with the same sad challenge in their relationship but can't really share it with anyone because it's not the thing you really talk about. This is the first time I personally have said a thing about it but somehow it has been helpful.

My FWB is a really good kisser, so it doesn't take much. But last night he was over and I got up to go into the kitchen, he held my shoulders, walked me backwards, lifted me onto the work surface and that was it (he's very tall and very 'big' so it works a treat) ;)

In bed, I just need to lay there and we're at it. Never had anyone who desires me as much as he does. So that's a mutual initiation. I reckon it's 50/50.

I have a marginally lower sex drive so she waits for me to initiate so as to not pester.

We are very direct: "would you like an orgasm?" or "shall we have sex later?" etc.
Occasionally, if we wish to avoid the subject at all, we have a code which is: "I'm really tired tonight."