Page 2 | How does your partner initiate sex?

redbigbananafeet · 2022-06-19T18:00:01+00:00

Just that really. This is based on a thread earlier today about a lady not liking her partner feeling he has a right to touch her body without Consent, which I entirely agree with. But it got me thinking about morning sex. And I think a neck nuzzle, a stretch response and a hand creeping below is what we tend to do. I'm wondering if I need to up my level of checking for consent first?

ArcTan · 28/06/2022 14:18

LancashireLad · 27/06/2022 09:02

I hear that totally. It's a very tough place to be. And I completely realise that it could be either the man or the woman in the situation of being "sole initiator". But when it feels like you're the only one in the relationship trying to keep the sex side of things going it can feel really burdensome and dispiriting. Your self-esteem can hit rock-bottom at times.

We had conversations about it sometimes but it made no essential difference. She clearly heard where I was coming from but couldn't for whatever reason respond by initiating say once a month and it returned to virtually never. It leaves the questions, do you simply give up on sex altogether but still share your life with the person you love or find a sexually fulfilling relationship with someone else? Both fairly drastic steps.

I never wanted out of our marriage and there is no other woman for me and somehow I kept going. But I think the experience fundamentally changed who I was in some ways. As I say I still do basically all the initiating and my wife does respond happily and enjoys orgasmic sex with me and our marriage is a good, loving and solid one. But in this aspect it has been a long, lonely road for me personally.

I sometimes wonder how many other people, women or men are dealing with the same sad challenge in their relationship but can't really share it with anyone because it's not the thing you really talk about. This is the first time I personally have said a thing about it but somehow it has been helpful.

It's soul crushing. My desire to try has been ground down to a nub.

If. If we go to bed and have a bit of a kiss (which is rare) and I start gently trying to progress things I just get shut down. I genuinely can't remember the last time I was pounced on. I do remember the last time I got oral though - it was about 8 years ago, before we got married.😥

There's only so many times you can discuss the lack of sex in a relationship before you end up going in circles and end up nowhere which drives the wedge even deeper.

Like you said, giving up on sex to be with the person you adore or leaving to find a fulfilling sex life, thus losing your family and home plus the associated stigma is a very hard decision to make.

I've definitely changed the past 4 - 5 years. I'm always asking myself "What's wrong with me?" which has had a massive impact on my self esteem. I guess that works to my other half's favour as the liklihood of me having the confidence to seek relief elsewhere is vanishingly small.

To the OP - I think consent is a given in a relationship however, should one person not want to engage then the other should respect that. That's all fine and dandy. However, I think the point that I and others are trying to make is that if refusal is the status quo for a significant period of time, then the refuser cannot then be surprised when they wake up to find they've inadvertantly destroyed their relationship.

YouAreNotBatman · 28/06/2022 16:21

CuriousD · 19/06/2022 19:57

Most marriages require that both parties have a romantic interest in each other to be successful.

The fact that only I initiate indicates that I have a romantic interest in my wife, but she has no romantic interest in me.

Why stay in a marriage if you are unloved?

But we are moving away from the reason the OP made the post.

Person can have romantic, very romantic, feeling towards another person, without much or any sexual feelings.

FinnGermey · 28/06/2022 19:04

My partner prefers sex in the morning, so she will get up and make us both a cup of tea to drink before we have sex! 😆However, with 2 children in the house, the kettle has to be boiled early, usually at 6am!
But, this is never done as a surprise, it is always planned and usually after she has told me 'not tonight, save it for the morning'. I have told her numerous times I do not mind being woken up any morning for some bedroom fun, which she promises to surprise me with, but it never happens.
Otherwise she seems to have no idea how to initiate sex and has probably done items than 5 times in the 20 years we have been together.
I am starting to think that is not normal?

bathsh3ba · 29/06/2022 08:21

I don't think there's anything wrong with a physical indication you'd like sex within a committed or regular relationship, as long as you back off straight away if told not now. I think the signs are usually pretty clear. I like for my boyfriend to show me he desires me and he likes me to do the same to him. I'd say he does initiate more but usually he just gets there first and I'd have initiated a little while after if he hadn't!

Perplexed0522 · 29/06/2022 13:14

We either:

Plan ahead with a “let’s watch another episode of ‘x’ tonight and then have sex” (said with humour and smiles)

Or, “Fancy a quickie tonight?” (with a cheeky wink)

”Shall we have an early night?” (cringe)

Sometimes I will just say to him, “I’m feeling very turned on right now” and that will always lead to immediate sex.

Sometimes if we are lying in bed or lying on the sofa watching a film I will just sort of get on my hands and knees whilst hovering over his body and start kissing his neck and he knows that’s a green light!

Sex is never initiated by us just randomly groping each other. I would find it such a turn off. It would do nothing but remind me of teenagers who awkwardly fumble and manhandle each other.

Allthegoodnamesaregoneffs · 05/07/2022 16:43

nonstopsally · 27/06/2022 09:25

My FWB is a really good kisser, so it doesn't take much. But last night he was over and I got up to go into the kitchen, he held my shoulders, walked me backwards, lifted me onto the work surface and that was it (he's very tall and very 'big' so it works a treat) ;)

In bed, I just need to lay there and we're at it. Never had anyone who desires me as much as he does. So that's a mutual initiation. I reckon it's 50/50.

Wow, hope you don't mind me saying but that is a massive turn on, the idea of just being taken like that on the kitchen surface.

Wish my DP would do that to me, the spontaneity of it is such an amazing thought.

nonstopsally · 06/07/2022 02:10

@Allthegoodnamesaregoneffs

Guess I just got lucky with my FWB.

The same thing happened the other day. I was in my room getting dressed and he came upstairs (very quietly) and came behind me, next thing I had my hands against the wall and we were at it.

Perhaps you could speak to your DP and mention you would love to have that in your relationship or maybe you could just initiate that kind of sex? Nothing wrong with you taking your man (presuming you're a woman) and going behind him, slipping your hands in his pockets, having a little feel, that usually works a treat.

Good luck.

:-)

Estherpologist · 06/07/2022 07:13

My STBX used to initiate sex by getting out of bed before 7am and going to the bathroom for a pee. I'm sure it was very sensible, but jeez it broke my heart every time, even if I was in the mood.

LancashireLad · 06/07/2022 07:52

Estherpologist
😂I can relate to that - and definitely so would my wife who rolls her eyes every time I excuse myself pre-sex to pop to the loo! By the time I come back she's reading a book or doing a crossword...

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 06/07/2022 07:58

We just have an intimacy dance that starts at any time of the day, it's like an atmosphere of explicit and implicit verbal and physical flirting. This means that sex can occur at any time, we've had to pull over on motorway journeys, etc.
We both initiate freely and equally.
Occasionally work stress does interfere as does bickering or thrashing out disputes.
We're just about to start TTC, so that will be sex round the clock.😂

Catullus5 · 06/07/2022 10:15

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 06/07/2022 07:58

We just have an intimacy dance that starts at any time of the day, it's like an atmosphere of explicit and implicit verbal and physical flirting. This means that sex can occur at any time, we've had to pull over on motorway journeys, etc.
We both initiate freely and equally.
Occasionally work stress does interfere as does bickering or thrashing out disputes.
We're just about to start TTC, so that will be sex round the clock.😂

You mean you dance like
this?

(Safe for work!)

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 06/07/2022 10:24

Catullus5 · 06/07/2022 10:15

You mean you dance like
this?

(Safe for work!)

Show quote history

😂
Quite.

Estherpologist · 06/07/2022 15:54

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 06/07/2022 07:58

We just have an intimacy dance that starts at any time of the day, it's like an atmosphere of explicit and implicit verbal and physical flirting. This means that sex can occur at any time, we've had to pull over on motorway journeys, etc.
We both initiate freely and equally.
Occasionally work stress does interfere as does bickering or thrashing out disputes.
We're just about to start TTC, so that will be sex round the clock.😂

Don't worry, that'll all stop after you have kids and stumble into middle age. 🙄

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 06/07/2022 16:14

Estherpologist · 06/07/2022 15:54

Don't worry, that'll all stop after you have kids and stumble into middle age. 🙄

Show quote history

I've got 2 already.
The new wife wants a baby or 2, I'm well into mid-age.
I've not slowed down yet.
We've always had this passionate sizzle.

notlongtoo · 07/07/2022 22:24

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Woodsie54 · 10/07/2022 08:41

It is quite simple a lovely sexy french kiss. It all happens after this...........

PermanentTemporary · 12/07/2022 06:14

I initiated for ten years with my late dh - we had a drier spell after ds was born and I think he decided that not initiating was a,way to reduce pressure on me. I found it hard work tbh as I always had to decide to have sex and start off without feeling very aroused. In the end I started using written porn to get aroused before going to bed. We still had sex a lot less than he would have liked but at the time it was the best I could do.

Current partner - usually it's a look, or a kiss will turn sexual. We've only been together 18 months so it's very hot at the moment.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/07/2022 16:47

Slaps My arse
bit we are FWB so it’s a given really

Sunnytwobridges · 26/08/2022 18:59

My ex would grope me while sleeping/awake
He would constantly talk about sex when we were on the phone
He wanted to see nudies

I never initiate so I dont know how I would do it lol

Sclover0604 · 27/08/2022 01:40

I’d hate to be in a relationship where my partner felt he couldn’t touch me without first asking for permission! Surely in a loving relationship ongoing consent is is implied unless 1 person specifically says otherwise. I find it so sexy when my partner wakes up in the night and cuddles close to me and when the cuddle gets more intimate I know it’s his way of initiating - and I do the same to him. Both of us would have no problem at all with the other saying no, they were too tired, not in the mood etc. but it wouldn’t occur to either of us that we should ask for consent before touching the other!

AgnestaVipers · 27/08/2022 11:50

Sunnytwobridges · 26/08/2022 18:59

My ex would grope me while sleeping/awake
He would constantly talk about sex when we were on the phone
He wanted to see nudies

I never initiate so I dont know how I would do it lol

He sounds like a sex pest.

germsandcoffee · 28/08/2022 11:00

I initiate by rubbing his/her thigh usually.
I soon find out if it's ok to carry on 🤷‍♀️

Spritesobright · 08/09/2022 23:38

Normally it just starts with a cuddle. But the other night DP said "shall we have sex now so we can get on with watching our series"? 🤣
So now we've agreed next time is going to be the whole shebang - music, candles, bath, etc. NO SCREENS!

totallyoutnumbered · 09/09/2022 00:10

We've only been together a couple of years so still at it all the time. But initiation usually involves brushing past eachother throughout the day with a cheeky grope. One of us will at some point say "you're getting it tonight". Not Mills and Boon but it works for us as a couple. I see romance as taking out the bins, a foot rub, bringing my favourite sweets from the shop and forehead kisses. Once the kids are firmly asleep then it's game on 🤷🏼‍♀️

Onlytemporaryfornow · 25/11/2022 16:21

DH is always willing and eager, so it doesn't take much! We got in the habit of morning sex when our kids were small. Now I just say "fancy making me some tea & toast?" and he's downstairs in a flash 😄
I will often wake him up at night to have sex which he loves.
He is always telling me how beautiful and sexy I am and how much he loves my body, so he defintely helps me feel sexy.