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Original poster

Whats your take on this (no sex after huge build up)

79 replies

Longsight2019 · 22/09/2019 13:46

I’d appreciate your views on a matter which occurred over the weekend.

I’d been away for a few days and was looking forward to seeing my wife on my return. I knew she was going out that evening (rarely gets the chance - was pleased she was going to get some time to herself away from me and the children)

We’d been texting suggestively during the day and had agreed that we would DTD when she got home from her night out. Told her she looked beautiful etc (which she did )

I’d text her to make sure she was ok and told her that I planned on taking a viagra before she got home (recently bought four tablets and enjoyed it last time, so said to let me know when she was an hour away or so)

She text at midnight saying they were going to another bar, no timescale. So I took the tablet anyway and went up to bed.

I began to doze off but could feel the tablet having an effect so kept myself awake when at 12:40 the door went and she’d arrived home unexpectedly.

When she put the house alarm on it triggered a chime to let us know that one of the external doors was open. She realised that she’d left the garage access door open all afternoon so went outside to shut it. With all the chiming and noise I was concerned she’d wake the children up so registered my annoyance lightly by saying “honestly, I wish you’d be more careful with security and leaving doors open!”

When she came back up, she knew I’d waited up but didn’t even bother coming in the room where I was, instead entering the bathroom in total silence and began removing makeup.

At this point I didn’t know what to do, so left her to it for 10 mins. I couldn’t really hear what she was doing so I called her name and asked her what she was doing. I then asked her to come in the room.

We ended up arguing about the whole build up to her coming home, for her to then ignore me and show no interest in me whatsoever, even though she knew I’d taken a Viagra and we’d agreed that we were to have sex that evening. It made me
Feel pretty bloody worthless and like we just aren’t very well connected mentally.

Then our youngest daughter woke up and wanted her mum, so it became impossible to do anything.

I just feel that my wife lacks awareness in this area and that I’ve been left feeling frustrated and disappointed many times in similar circumstances.

Can you see why I’d be upset with this scenario?

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 22/09/2019 13:50

You taking Viagra is nothing to do with anything so remove that from the equation.

People have a right to change their minds about sex.

What do you mean she "lacks awareness in this area"?

She doesn't have to have sex with you because it seemed to be on the cards. You're not unreasonable to be disappointed but that's all.

Original poster
Longsight2019 · 22/09/2019 14:12

I feel she can be unaware that she gives all the signals by reacting suggestively, only to think little of removing the treasure at the end of the game. That’s what leaves me frustrated.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 22/09/2019 14:18

It's not a game though.

And sex is not a "treasure". It's an organic, mutual activity which should occur when the moment feels right.

Flirting by text might be her way of trying to keep you happy and she might think "Maybe I'll feel like it later...when the time comes"

But if she doesn't feel like it, that's HER choice.

Original poster
Longsight2019 · 22/09/2019 14:24

You’re taking me very literally. I’m fully of the opinion that sex is a mutual activity and nobody should feel pressure, but in my shoes on Friday night it felt like an unfair and unreasonable twist, unexpected due to our previous discussions which I can’t share on here.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 22/09/2019 14:27

Look...your post is very literal. That's why I'm taking it literally.

You and your wife had been sending suggestive text through the day and agreed you'd have sex later.

Then you didn't.

You feel she's unreasonable because A. she shouldn't lead you to believe sex is on the cars AND/OR B: you wanted sex and were sad you didn't get it.

You are being unreasonable because no matter how suggestive the texts or how many promises of sex were made, she can still change her mind.

As can you.

Original poster
Longsight2019 · 22/09/2019 14:40

Look.. I can imagine my wife’s reaction if I’d have come home and done the same. But that’s ok, because we can all change our mind. She exercised that right and it was upsetting. It was in my eyes unreasonable to do that.

Interestingly she had also since admitted that she thinks it was unfair under the circumstances.

OP posts:
maggie1862 · 22/09/2019 16:23

my dh takes viagra and does report becoming short tempered if no action when the chemical takes effect if no action ,maybe affects you like that too .

Original poster
Longsight2019 · 22/09/2019 17:04

Nothing to do with Viagra. Everything to do with communication, reasonable expectation, sexual desire, and simply being fair.

OP posts:
DumbleDork · 22/09/2019 20:07

No one owes anyone sex. She was allowed to change her mind. For you to throw your toys out of the pram over it is, in my opinion, pathetic

HennyPennyHorror · 22/09/2019 22:16

There's no "fair" when it comes to sex! There's only...do I want to or do I not want to?

That's it. You sound entitled. Most unattractive in any man. Also, telling your wife off about the door was probably a big, fat turn-off. Maybe have a bit more finesse next time?

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 22/09/2019 22:23

Does this happen often or is it a one off?

busybarbara · 23/09/2019 02:19

"For you to throw your toys out of the pram over it is, in my opinion, pathetic"

Oh come on. If your DH said numerous times he was taking you out for a nice meal tonight and you said you were getting all dressed up etc then he turns up and says nah I can't be bothered.. you would be bloody pissed off or at least I would! Wouldn't make me "pathetic".

HennyPennyHorror · 23/09/2019 02:36

Barbara wtf?? "a nice meal" is in NO way comparable to having sex with someone.

Seriously...the weird shit people come out with regarding sex astounds me!

Sadiesnakes · 23/09/2019 02:59

Treasure🤢🙄

Sadiesnakes · 23/09/2019 03:05

Ignore busybarbara, she's mn resident bad male behaviour apologist.

Mothership4two · 23/09/2019 03:45

Sounds like you made a snippy comment and killed the mood. Alarms, arguments and small children wouldn't have helped much. It was in the early hours, she had been looking after home/kids for a few days on her own and it was after a night out - I expect she was tired. She is fully entitled to change her mind, as are you, and not unreasonable.

If this has happened before, maybe wait until you take Viagra? Fully admit have no real knowledge of Viagra. And maybe just talk to your wife about how you feel.

Frustrated at the time and disappointed, fair enough, but to think you should have been entitled to have sex - YABU

HennyPennyHorror · 23/09/2019 04:51

Sadiesnakes show us yer treasure love! Grin

SUCH a turn on.

DumbleDork · 23/09/2019 05:42

busybarbara how the hell are “a nice meal” and sex even comparable?! Confused

PutyourtoponTrevor · 23/09/2019 06:31

Maybe being told off for not actually leaving any doors open put her off

StarlightLady · 23/09/2019 07:03

Sex is not something women give to a man. Neither should it appear on a timetable or schedule.

The Viagra is a non issue. Many woman on the pill go withoutvsex for longer periods but they still take it so they are “sex ready”.

After a night out I may well be too tired. After an argument or heated discussion the mood would be broken so it would be a non-starter. Quality sex means passion and both people wanting each other there and then, whether it is a one off or within a long term relationship. If the passion is not there then no!

We all have a right to change our minds.

nunnun · 23/09/2019 08:20

Seems to me that you viewed sex that evening as your reward for 'allowing' her some time off, despite you saying here how happy you were about it. Coming home to an irate man who played up about such a triviality would put me right off.

DumbleDork · 23/09/2019 09:40

Maybe you should watch “consent is like a cup of tea” on YouTube Hmm just because you’d previously agreed on sex and had said you wouldn’t doesn’t mean she has to go through with it if she’s changed her mind. You wouldn’t expect to be made to go through with the deed if you didn’t want to, so why should your wife Hmm

Original poster
Longsight2019 · 23/09/2019 16:17

Proof that we all have a very different take on things. Almost every response jumps to conclusions and makes out like I feel I was entitled to it. I made it clear in my post that we had agreed willingly and flirtatiously that we would go through with it throughout the night.

Most reasonable people, men or women, would feel some frustration if you’d have been in my shoes and under all the prior circumstances.

If you want a fair and balanced view, don’t post your queries here. Awaits blinkered and overly direct response. Or likely she should leave (the bastard)

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 23/09/2019 16:41

I think the key was the argument you had, never expect sex to be still on the cards after an argument ( unless you've made up). As the alarm box chimes to tell you a door is open and she went out and rectified it, you rather shot yourself in the foot by saying a negative comments. Somehow, you could not hold back on the comment then argued over it, then expected sex to still occur. Next time hold back if it's not a big deal, don't make it one. Try to resist having a go, it's in your interest after all.

Sadiesnakes · 23/09/2019 16:58

Here's a direct response for you so, you sound like an entitled miserable prick, and using terms like "treasure" would turn me off FOREVER🤢.

Toddle off over to reddit if you just want to be told you are right.

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