Whats your take on this (no sex after huge build up)

[Longsight2019]

I’d appreciate your views on a matter which occurred over the weekend.

I’d been away for a few days and was looking forward to seeing my wife on my return. I knew she was going out that evening (rarely gets the chance - was pleased she was going to get some time to herself away from me and the children)

We’d been texting suggestively during the day and had agreed that we would DTD when she got home from her night out. Told her she looked beautiful etc (which she did )

I’d text her to make sure she was ok and told her that I planned on taking a viagra before she got home (recently bought four tablets and enjoyed it last time, so said to let me know when she was an hour away or so)

She text at midnight saying they were going to another bar, no timescale. So I took the tablet anyway and went up to bed.

I began to doze off but could feel the tablet having an effect so kept myself awake when at 12:40 the door went and she’d arrived home unexpectedly.

When she put the house alarm on it triggered a chime to let us know that one of the external doors was open. She realised that she’d left the garage access door open all afternoon so went outside to shut it. With all the chiming and noise I was concerned she’d wake the children up so registered my annoyance lightly by saying “honestly, I wish you’d be more careful with security and leaving doors open!”

When she came back up, she knew I’d waited up but didn’t even bother coming in the room where I was, instead entering the bathroom in total silence and began removing makeup.

At this point I didn’t know what to do, so left her to it for 10 mins. I couldn’t really hear what she was doing so I called her name and asked her what she was doing. I then asked her to come in the room.

We ended up arguing about the whole build up to her coming home, for her to then ignore me and show no interest in me whatsoever, even though she knew I’d taken a Viagra and we’d agreed that we were to have sex that evening. It made me
Feel pretty bloody worthless and like we just aren’t very well connected mentally.

Then our youngest daughter woke up and wanted her mum, so it became impossible to do anything.

I just feel that my wife lacks awareness in this area and that I’ve been left feeling frustrated and disappointed many times in similar circumstances.

Can you see why I’d be upset with this scenario?

If you want a fair and balanced view, don’t post your queries here

So again OP you didn't get what you wanted so you get snippy.

Yes, ppl do have different takes on things, that's generally why ppl post on MN. Were you expecting universal agreement that you were right and she was wrong? I tried to give you balanced advice so you could see it from your wife's POV. I think most of the advice given is pretty spot on and, if you think this is unreasonable, you should read some other threads!

Almost every response jumps to conclusions and makes out like I feel I was entitled to it

Because that's what you are saying! "We’d agreed that we were to have sex that evening" and "we agreed willingly and flirtatiously that we would go through with it throughout the night" so you were expecting sex and feel you were entitled to it. But she changed her mind and that is a fully acceptable thing to do. Like I said before, you were understandably frustrated/disappointed but that's it, she was not unreasonable to decide she no longer wanted to have sex with you. If this has happened a few times talk to her about it and what you feel is the build up to sex that then doesn't happen.

As @DumbleDork has said, you really should look up “consent is like a cup of tea” on Youtube.

Sounds like a pretty run of the mill marital row with sex off the agenda as a result. Its always likely to bit hit and miss after an evening out on the lash to be honest. While I know it is pretty disappointing if a promise of sex is withdrawn, I wouldn't describe it as a big build up nor warranting a public rant against your partner. Just seek to make up and get it back on the agenda.

I fail to understand why someone posts on a public forum asking what people’s take is on something and then criticise others because they don’t like the responses.

The whole concept of “pre booked sex” sounds a passion killer in itself. I’ve not been in that situation since I was about 16, when boyfriend and I had to wait until we knew M and D were going out!

Your attitude would piss me off big time. Very unsexy.

wtf?? "a nice meal" is in NO way comparable to having sex with someone.

Sex is even better and more important. Which only makes my point stronger. If someone says we’ll do something later and then takes a last minute rain check, it’s not nice! It’s their right but you totally deserve to be pissed off whether you were promised a night out, a meal, a night in bed, a day off, a holiday or any damn thing.

The whole concept of “pre booked sex” sounds a passion killer in itself.

It’s pretty normal for a couple to discuss that night’s fun during the day before imo. It’s part of the build up. Doubly so if you have kids or commitments

I have never come across a couple prebooking sex before. Been with dh 34 years and have never done that. Will have to take a poll from my female friends! You might hope you'll both be in the mood but wouldnt expect it to be definite. It's a female thing imo to have to be in the right state of mind and 'feeling it' - negative comments and/or arguments would be a total passion-killer for me.

Ok well at least you have busybarbara onside.🤣

She doesn’t fancy you in the same way that she used to, mate. This is not unusual in a long term relationship. And neither partner owes the other sex if they don’t want it.

You can either do something proactive about it or get huffy with her and whinge about it on Mumsnet. Take a guess which course of action is more likely to work.

He wasn't just "pissed off" @busybarbara, he thought his wife was unreasonable (which she wasn't). That's the point most ppl are trying to make here.

People in LTR are always being told, by the know-fuck-all-brigade and professional therapists alike, to make time for sex - schedule it - despite the very obvious turn- off that is for most people. Here you are, following that common “wisdom” and guess what? It didn’t pan out. It takes a degree of pride-swallowing and humility to introduce pre-booked sex into your relationship so a brush-off will knock you back that much more.
My advice: tell her that if she wants to cancel the booking, it’s up to her to re-book. Her response will speak volumes.

I’ve heard it all now. Giving your partner a date when you are prepared to have sex That’s no different to the situation now. Just because she said no at the weekend doesn’t mean she owes him sex another day.

She doesn’t owe him the sex. She owes him the effort to re-arrange. She owes him the outward sign that she is still interested. Or she owes him the hard truth.

But she doesn’t even need to promise to rearrange her body, her rules. She gets to decide what she does with it and doesn’t need any pre agreement with anyone

Fair enough. And that will be interpreted as as a casual disregard for his hurt feelings and her regarding intimacy with him as low priority - and that’s not an unreasonable interpretation, whether it’s true or not. Sexual intimacy is a delicate chemistry and you disrupt it at your peril.
Or you could just trot out stuff like “her body, her rules” which doesn’t really help people navigate the minefield of needs, feelings, vulnerability, mid-understandings, trust, resentments and all that jazz.

As a bloke who has had to start taking V because of being discovered with a congenital heart problem, this does ring a bell.

But I'm afraid the bell is that sex doesn't happen automatically when you take V any more than it does without. Be prepared to take it and not get sex. The main components of success are unchanged - love, compassion, feelings, timing etc etc.

You can't get those from a tablet, no matter how much you would like to.

So let me get this straight @Jabbercocky, are you saying she should have, on the night, said something like "I am not really in the mood tonight anymore darling, let's have sex next Tuesday"? What happens if she doesn't feel like it when it's next 'booked' in? Doesn't seem much different to what has happened and isn't working for the OP. Not sure why the onus is on her anyway to make plans for next time. In my experience, the female brain doesn't really work like that, it's very much how you feel in the moment and negative comments or arguments are very much going to kill that moment.

Talking about 'booking' it in just makes me feel that it sounds like a transaction and he's paying for her services that she has to 'rebook' if she lets him down.

*mothership4two” you put it much better than I could have done, that’s what I was trying to convey

^busybarbara
Oh come on. If your DH said numerous times he was taking you out for a nice meal tonight and you said you were getting all dressed up etc then he turns up and says nah I can't be bothered.. you would be bloody pissed off or at least I would! Wouldn't make me "pathetic".^

Correct.

Additionally, had the OP been a woman, and had it been her husband who unexpectedly changed his mind, I can't help but think that this thread would be ringing with howls of righteous female indignation.

Although I must also concur with the poster who points out how extraordinarily unwise it is to nag a woman just before sex!! If my wife spilled a can of paint over the carpet, I'd look the other way.

jabbercocky
^Fair enough. And that will be interpreted as as a casual disregard for his hurt feelings and her regarding intimacy with him as low priority - and that’s not an unreasonable interpretation, whether it’s true or not. Sexual intimacy is a delicate chemistry and you disrupt it at your peril.
Or you could just trot out stuff like “her body, her rules” which doesn’t really help people navigate the minefield of needs, feelings, vulnerability, mid-understandings, trust, resentments and all that jazz.^

Magnificently put.

Respecting women's feelings and needs does not automatically require the feelings and needs of men to be casually screwed up and tossed into the bin.

Respecting women's feelings and needs does not automatically require the feelings and needs of men to be casually screwed up and tossed into the bin

Where did you get that message? OP is basically saying his wife agreed to have sex and then changed her mind and that was unreasonable. And most posters have said she wasn't. Which is correct and legally correct. They both had the right to change their minds. No feelings being tossed into bins, just an answer to his question.

Really think you should look up “consent is like a cup of tea” on Youtube too.

Additionally, had the OP been a woman, and had it been her husband who unexpectedly changed his mind, I can't help but think that this thread would be ringing with howls of righteous female indignation

What b**cks and very skewed thinking. They were both entitled to change their minds - as has already been said. No-one has the right to demand sex if the other party is no longer interested.

The nice meal/sex comparison doesnt really wash, the closest one would be sex/sex! However, if my dh suddenly decided he didn't want to go out for a meal, while I may be disappointed, if he had a legitimate reason then I would understand. She had a legitimate reason, she no longer wanted to have sex.

Another analogy, although clunky, would be: if I made my dh a lovely meal and he had been messaging/calling all day telling he how he was looking forward to my lovely meal, but when he sat down he said that actually he wasnt hungry anymore, I would be disappointed and maybe frustrated but I wouldn't expect him to eat a meal he didnt want. That would be unreasonable.

As already said, I think OP should talk to his wife about his perception of these build ups. I would also advise looking at his attitude to her and his expectations that she would be unaffected by negative comments and arguments. He asked for opinions and he got them.

People are conveniently overlooking that he took a Viagra based on the agreed notion that sex would happen. Being stuck with the effects of that throughout the night leads to an uncomfortable night’s (not quite) sleep, so in this circumstance at least, a rebuttal is more than just a ‘no’ it’s a ‘no, and enjoy the next six hours with that throbber keeping you awake’. So a little extra consideration from her might have been nice.

As for the comments saying it’s wrong to expect her to re-schedule sex after taking a rain-check; I never said I was a fan of scheduled sex. Like most people I find it a very distant second best to spontaneous, mutually needful sex but trawl the boards ladies!!! The forum is full of men and women with all sorts of sexual compatibility problems and life issues that mean the spontaneous sex just ain’t happening and therefore needs deliberate attention. Doing nothing tends to lead to nothing changing.

You can be dismissive of scheduling as much as you like, but if you’ve ever booked a romantic weekend away, got your hair done and worn your sexiest underwear on that promising 3rd date, arranged for the kids to stay over grandma’s on your anniversary night out - you are effectively building a degree of scheduling into your sex life. You just call it something else.

Jabber He could have had a wank couldn't he? Ffs a woman's body is not a convenient "fix" for the effects of Viagra!